Parenting Blog

"Understanding alone cannot prevent disrupted connections from occurring.  Some will inevitably happen. The challenge we all share is to embrace our humanity with humor and patience so that we can in turn relate to our children with openness and kindness. To continually chastise ourselves for our "errors" with our children keeps us involved in our own emotional issues and out of relationship with our children.." -- Daniel J. Siegel

This is Step 6 in our series Ten Steps to Unconditional Love:  Lighten Up and Show Up. 

Loving your child unconditionally starts with loving yourself unconditionally.  Have you made mistakes as a parent?  Join the club.  They aren't mistakes if you use them to guide you toward a better way in the future.  In fact, you can't simultaneously feel bad about what you've done and feel good enough to do better.

Whatever is happening in your relationship with your child, whatever mistakes you've made, however ugly your child is acting, it is never too late.  You can always transform your relationship with your child into a happier, closer, connection.  Here's how.

1. Lighten Up.  Most of our upsets with our kids stem from our own fear. (What if he NEVER learns?  What if she gets in big trouble and ruins her life?  What if I'm truly a bad mother?)  But fear never helps us make good decisions, it makes us rigid.  All humans make mistakes; that's how we learn.  You can always choose a new course now and start moving in a better direction.  And the truth is, most issues with kids are developmental, meaning that as the brain matures, the child matures.  So lighten up, let go of the past, and trust that your child will be ok.  Just say to yourself, "He's getting better parenting than I did, and I came out ok."

2. Show Up.   If you can stay centered and pay attention, you can respond with love and creativity to whatever's going on with your child.  Of course you'll find yourself off-track, but you can apologize, suggest a "Do Over" and try again.  You can even use the inevitable little rifts of life as opportunities to get closer.  But to do that, you have to be willing to summon up your humility and humor.  Don't worry.  Kids don't need perfect parents.  They need us to model compassion, self-forgiveness, and repairing the mistakes we humans inevitably make.

3. Focus on connecting with your child, which means start where he is.  If he's in a place that hurts, he'll be acting ugly.  Summon up your patience and your courage and go in there after him.  Let him vent and love him through it.  Don't take it personally.  Don't try to teach him any lessons until he feels better.  Don't get lost in the dark in there with him.  You're the one who's supposed to have the candle, remember? Bring your child back into connection with you, and he'll be a whole different kid.

4. Enjoy your child.  Often we're so busy managing our children that we forget what kids really need. Children need us to enjoy them.  That's how they learn they're of value.  That's how they learn what joy is, what makes life worth living.  So resist the lure of computer, phone and TV to sit on the couch whenever possible, and focus on the invisible tasks of parenting:

Creating engrossing dinner table conversation...Healing hurt feelings...Empathizing....Giggling together....Tummy time with the baby...Floor time with the toddler...Bedtime snuggles with the elementary schooler...Couch time with the tween...Walks with the teen...Family game night...Helping children think about the world and explore their emerging passions... Supporting kids in solving their own problems...Pillow fights...Star-gazing...Listening.... Laughing...Lighting candles...Connecting....Making miracles.

So show up, and lighten up. Let the past go.  Take the pressure off. 

You don't have to have all the answers.  You don't have to fix your child or the situation.  All you have to do is stay present and try to choose love instead of fear.  Your child doesn't even need the red cup, or whatever he's crying for; he needs your loving acceptance of him, complete with all his tangled up feelings. His disappointment, rage, and grief? They're all ok, part of a rich emotional life, and they will all pass without you doing a thing.  Just love him--and yourself--through it. Unconditionally.