Parenting Blog

"Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild."- Welsh Proverb
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"“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." -- Carl Rogers

"Our wounds can heal and become our source of power." -- Gail Larsen

Sages say that raising children is one of the best paths to enlightenment because it stretches the heart and teaches us to love.  Parents have daily opportunities to dig deep in search of patience  and compassion.  Luckily, we're strongly motivated by our love for our children, so we stretch.  READ POST

My Aha! Parenting Moment last week came while my son was home for winter break. He had an operation on his knee and couldn’t do much besides lie on the couch and read. So he spent a fair amount of time playing computer games, something he doesn’t have time for at college. Now,  I loved having him home, but it took a lot of time to wait on him hand and foot while he was healing. I have to admit I was happy when he was occupied with the computer and I could focus on my own work.

So I would look up from writing at my computer and see him playing a computer game, and then feel guilty.  True, he’d already spent the morning reading philosophy for school.  But shouldn’t I do something with him?  Play chess, or make a photo album, or help him revise his resume to look for a summer internship? If only I wasn’t so busy, I knew I could interest him in something better for him than playing computer games.

Then I read a new study from the Kaiser Family Foundation. The study found that the average 8 to 18 year old American now spends practically every waking minute — except for the time in school — using a smart phone, computer, television or other electronic device.

So is technology use terrible for kids? Well, we can’t really study kids who don’t use technology because they don’t seem to exist in this country. Although one of my son’s friends doesn’t have a facebook page, and she did get perfect SAT scores, so my study of one supports the theory that kids do better without technology.

But in the Kaiser study, the kids who use technology three hours or less per day seem to do ok.  Presumably, that leaves them time for other passions, schoolwork, and relating to their families.

Excessive technology use, on the other hand, is associated with bad grades, depression, bad family relationships, and kids getting into all kinds of trouble. Of course, this is a chicken or egg problem, since maybe the kids with the problems are the ones most likely to retreat into technology addiction – but either way, the technology use isn’t helping.  

So the amount of time the average kid is spending with technology, which is every waking minute, really is bad for them. The authors of the study said they were shocked by their findings.

My Aha! Moment came when I started thinking about the study finding that more than 70% of kids have a TV in their bedroom, and about a third have a computer with Internet access in their bedroom. That’s what shocked me. I have to admit that I think my kids  spend too much time on their computers. They’ve always needed my help to resist the addictive lure of computer time, whether with Facebook or computer games. And while I consider myself a relatively permissive parent about many things, I know that a ton of money gets spent figuring out how to make my kids, and all kids, want to spend more time playing computer games or just hanging out on Facebook.   

So in the same way that I’ve taught my kids to eat right and brush their teeth, I’ve given them help to learn how to keep technology addictions from cutting into more productive time, whether that’s for schoolwork or reading or even sleeping, which experts say virtually all kids spend too little time doing.  So the idea of letting my kids have a computer or TV in their bedrooms seems roughly analogous to letting them have a drug dealer in their bedroom.  Why would I not protect my child?

Then I thought of my son playing computer games while I worked.  Aha!  Kids by themselves can’t handle that computer addiction. We know that. Reading or chess or artwork are all hard work.  Rewarding, yes, but hard.  They just can’t compete with the lure of the screen. Parents need to set that limit.  But we’re busy, as I was, on our own computers.  So we let our kids play one more computer game.  We let them retreat into their bedrooms, glued to their screens, so we can get one more thing done.  Who among us has time to play a game of chess with our kid, or make a photo album?

You’ll be happy to hear that the Kaiser study also showed that in homes with rules and limits on technology, like no television during meals or in the bedroom, young people used less media.  So parents who are brave enough to set limits about when and where kids use technology ARE effective in protecting their kids. And they’re rewarded -- with kids who do better in school, who are healthier, happier, and who relate more warmly with their families.

And, of course, it isn’t just setting limits, it’s actually spending time.  These parents might be getting another reward too. Working with your kid on his resume is a perfect time to talk about his future.  That photo album is great opportunity to ask your son about that cute girl.  And even that game of chess gives ample opportunity for your son to open up about what’s on his mind.

Excuse me while I close my computer and go spend time with my son.  READ POST

I had an Aha! Moment yesterday,  when I was speaking with a reporter about parents yelling at their kids.  

“Doesn’t everybody yell?” she asked.  And it hit me. Yelling is the new spanking.

Most parents today know that spanking our kids produces worse behavior in the long run.

But yelling? Of course we yell.  It’s just one of those things that all parents do, that we may feel a bit guilty about, but we can't really see a way around, because how else do we get the kid's attention?  Isn’t that just being honest about our feelings?  We aren’t supposed to bottle it up inside, right? That’s not healthy.  And it's for their own good, after all.  They have to learn. They need to know we’re serious.  And it’s not like it hurts them.  They barely listen; they roll their eyes.  And, of course they know we love them.

But the truth is that yelling scares kids.  It makes them harden their hearts to us.  If your young child does not seem afraid of your anger, it’s an indication that he or she has seen too much of it and has developed defenses against it -- and against you. The unfortunate result is a child who is less likely to want to behave to please you. And as kids harden their hearts to us, they become more open to the influences of the peer group and the larger culture. The more often we get angry, the more defended they will be, and therefore the less likely to show that it bothers them.  But whether or not they show it, our anger is nothing short of terrifying to young children, and it pushes kids of all ages away from us.  It practically guarantees that they’ll have an “attitude” by the time they’re twelve, and that yelling fights will be the norm during their teen years.

So I sent the reporter a list of 14 ways parents can manage their own anger so they can stop yelling at their kids. 

The reporter wrote back “You are SOOOOOO good- can you come and move in with me for a week.. pretty please!!!”

I was amused, and flattered, of course, but also a bit demoralized.  I like to think that parents read that list and immediately stop yelling.  This lovely reporter made me realize that most parents, like her, probably think that what I’m describing is impossible.  My 14 steps may sound good on paper, but without me by her side, how could she hope to manage her anger?

I guess most parents do think it's impossible not to yell.  But believe it or not, there are households where parents don't raise their voices in anger to their children.  And I don’t mean an emotionally distant, with-holding, cold household, either, where no emotion is expressed.  We all know that’s not good for anyone.  

I mean homes where the parents are aware enough to breathe their way through their own emotional upsets so they don’t take them out on their kids.  To do this, parents have to BELIEVE that OF COURSE  kids will act like kids – that’s their job --  and the parent’s job isn’t fighting with their child, but helping the kid learn to manage their own emotions so they can have better relationships and do a better job solving the normal problems of life.  

John Gottman, author of The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, has done extensive research on friction in families. He says that the degree to which we can act as "emotion coaches" for our kids, rather than responding to their challenging behaviors with anger, is the degree to which kids are emotionally healthy.

So how do you become an emotion coach? Gottman’s research has identified five steps.
1. Become aware of child/teen's emotion
2. See it as opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen empathetically, validate feelings
4. Help child/teen find words to label the feeling
5. Set limits while generating options

That’s all there is to it.  The hard part, of course, is that we get our own feelings triggered in the process of interacting with our child’s upset, and managing our own emotions is a challenge for most of us.  But if we don’t manage them, we end up yelling.

Which brings me back to the reporter.  She KNOWS yelling isn’t helpful.  But she thought she needed me by her side to help her stop.  Her own private emotion coach.

And that was my AHA! Moment.  The bad news is, we all really do need our own private emotion coach to stop yelling.  But the good news is, that we all have one – ourselves!  I often tell parents that our primary job as moms and dads is actually to learn how to parent ourselves and coach ourselves emotionally.  If we can do that,  we’re more available to be constructive and loving with our kids, and being an inspired parent comes naturally.  

The other AHA! for me here is that we all need something we can remember to Do, not just something not to do.  In other words, you may have noticed that it’s more effective to tell a kid “Balls are for bouncing outside” rather than “Don’t bounce that ball in the house.”  We work with the momentum of the energy, and just redirect it, instead of trying to stop it. And we parents, instead of just telling ourselves “Parents shouldn’t yell” might be more effective with ourselves if we use the reminder “The parent’s job is emotion coaching our child.”

That’s the kind of self-coaching that eventually has us realizing that it’s been months since we yelled at anyone.  If you’ve been yelling at your kids, you may wonder if you can ever have that kind of Aha! Moment. But I guarantee you that if you start being your own emotion coach, as well as your child’s, you can. I’ve seen it work.  Not just in my home – it's true that I haven't yelled at my kids in years --  but you don’t have to be a child psychologist to stop yelling.  I’ve seen lots of parents make this transition.  It starts by believing it’s possible, and making a commitment.  Wouldn’t that be a great New Years Resolution?  READ POST

My Aha! Parenting moment last week came when my husband called me three times to email him something at work. He often works on a computer at home and then emails himself documents so he can access them from the computer at his job. A couple of times a year, he’ll forget to send himself something important, so he’ll call me and ask me to email it to him.  Luckily, I have a home office, so it’s easy for me to go to his computer and email it.  

Last week, this happened not just once, but on three different days. My husband was very apologetic about interrupting my work.  He was grateful I was able to help him out.  But I found myself wondering if maybe he would have done a better job remembering to take care of this task himself I wasn’t so available to help him.  After all, the advice parenting experts always give parents is not to “rescue” kids if they forget their homework or their lunch, so they’ll “learn a lesson.”  

Smiling, I fantasized a scenario in which I would tell my husband that I loved him very much but couldn’t email him the document, because that would just encourage him to continue this irresponsible behavior. He might THINK I would be helping him if I emailed his important document to him, but it was really for his own good that I wasn’t going to send it. I knew it wouldn’t be easy right now that he didn’t have the presentation he needed for his meeting, that he had worked so hard on, but I was sure he would learn an important lesson from this experience. I knew that someday he would thank me for helping him learn this valuable lesson.

I considered what my husband’s response might be.  Disbelief, of course, and then begging.  Then anger.  And when I continued to hold to my position, he might even conclude that I don’t really love him. After all, if I really loved him, wouldn’t I do everything in my power to help him when he asked me for help?  

I had to laugh at this scenario.  Of course I would never do this to my husband.  And for exactly the same reasons, I would never do this to my child.  I’ve had the opportunity, although never three times in one week. But probably twice in my son’s high school career, he called and asked me to email homework to him so he could access it at school.  And probably once a year while my daughter was in middle school, I walked the five blocks to her school to drop off something she’d forgotten at home. If I’d said No to them, they might indeed have learned the lesson not to forget their work.  But I’m afraid they would also have learned another, unintended, lesson, about being unsupported in the world, and not being lovable enough, important enough, to their mother that she would do them a small favor they desperately needed. Would that have been worth the cost?

I asked my 14yr old daughter what she thought of the standard parenting advice not to rescue kids in these situations.  “Is the favor easy for the parent to do?” She asked. “Obviously, you wouldn’t leave your job to go home and get something the kid forgot.  But you mean the experts say you shouldn’t walk in the other room and email the kid his homework, or walk five blocks to the school?”

“That’s right,” I told her.  “They say that trains kids to let you wait on them hand and foot, and not to be responsible.”

“Anyone who says that is an idiot,” she answered.  “Teenagers need to know they can count on their parents. Parents who follow that advice will raise teenagers who won’t come to them when they’re in trouble. Besides, asking for help is a life skill everyone needs.”

So why IS this the standard parenting advice?  We think we’re teaching kids to be more responsible.  Instead we’re teaching them that they can’t count on their parents.

And it isn’t just the forgetting things issue.  Most parents punish their kids with “consequences” so they learn lessons, unwittingly teaching them the wrong things.

So, have I taught my kids to be irresponsible by rescuing them occasionally?  I don’t think so.  They’re both straight A students. They do their homework the minute they get home.  They seem to forget things less often than I do.

Now maybe you’re wondering what would have happened if my kids forgot something three times in one week.  And then three times the next week.  Wouldn’t I refuse to rescue them THEN?  Wouldn’t I make sure they suffered the consequences, to learn a lesson?

Actually, no.  I would work with them to help them develop a habit to help them remember.  Like always printing out homework the night before, packing the backpack, and leaving it by the door.  Putting a sticky note on the backpack if something needed to be added, like lunch from the fridge. And never going to sleep until they emailed whatever they’d been working on.  

Which is exactly the habit I’ll be working on with my husband this evening!  READ POST

“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots, the other is wings.”  -- Hodding Carter  READ POST

My Aha! Parenting moment this week happened when a reporter asked me about the four different parenting styles that psychologists say describe most parents.  These were originally developed by Diana Baumrind about fifty years ago, and are accepted by most child development specialists today.

The four styles are:

1. Authoritarian- These are parents who have high expectations of their kids, which is a good thing, research shows.  That’s how kids get good grades, learn to manage themselves responsibly, and stay out of trouble.  The problem with these parents is that they don’t offer their kids much support.  It’s pull up your socks, straighten up and fly right, my way or the highway.  These parents were usually parented this way themselves, and think they came out fine, but research shows their kids end up rebellious – and looking for love in all the wrong places, like the peer group.

2. Permissive- These are parents who offer their kids lots of support. Nothing wrong with that at all.  The problem with these parents is that they don’t have high expectations.  Some of them believe that’s a good thing – they wouldn’t want to get in the way of their child’s natural development.  Others just can’t bear to have their child face something difficult even for a moment, so they make a lot of excuses for their kid.  Most of these parents are trying hard not to repeat their own parents’ tough-love parenting style, so they go overboard in the other direction.  Don’t get me wrong – you can never offer your child too much respect and empathy.  But you can certainly prevent them from learning responsibility and developing confidence in themselves by always rescuing them.  And if you let your child walk all over you or other people, what are you teaching him about relationships?  These kids are often self-centered and spoiled.  Worse yet, they’re often miserable and insecure because they haven’t been helped to learn internal discipline to accomplish anything.

3. Uninvolved- There have always been parents who can’t give their kids the love and attention they need, either because of alcoholism, narcissism, or just external pressures like needing to work two jobs to support the family.  But these parents seem to me to be even more prevalent today, at least in some communities, where we rationalize thrusting kids into daycare at ever earlier ages for ever-longer hours, and then as they grow up we push them into the arms of their peer group, so that we have little or no influence on them by the time they’re teenagers.  These parents sometimes vanish into drug addiction or abandon the family, but there are plenty of seemingly normal families where the parents are too focused on their own work or social lives to engage deeply with their kids.  It’s not unusual to see these parents lavish money on their kids instead of attention.  This is always a message to the child that he isn’t worth loving, and if both parents are uninvolved, you can pretty much count on the kid having substance abuse or other major issues.

4. The final parenting style, is, of course, the one Baumrind’s research showed raises the best-adjusted kids. The Authoritative parents offer their kids lots of love and support, like the permissive parents.  But they also hold high expectations, like the authoritarian parents.  Age-appropriate expectations, of course – they aren’t expecting a three year old to clean up her room by herself.  But they may well be working with that three year old to help her clean up, over and over and over, so that by six she really can clean up her room herself.  These parents are involved -- even demanding.  They expect family dinners, lots of discussion straight through high school, good grades, responsible behavior.  But they also offer their kids complete support to learn how to achieve these expectations.  Their kids, not surprisingly, stay close to them – they often describe one of their parents as the person they would most trust to talk to about a problem.  These kids are usually high achievers in school, and they’re also the ones that teachers describe as responsible and well-liked, simply nice, considerate kids who are a pleasure to have around.

Where’s the Aha! Moment in this?  Well, the reporter asked me to describe how each style of parent would handle a couple of specific incidents.  For instance, what do you do when your child brings home a bad report card?

Authoritarian- Yells at kid, and without any discussion grounds them until next report card, which had better have improved grades. End of discussion. Maybe a tutor is hired, which is presented as a punishment, and maybe substituted for an activity the kid loved, like playing basketball.  The kid is left de-motivated, angry, and has to figure any improvement out for himself.

Permissive- Listens empathically. Accepts child’s excuse that it’s all the teacher’s fault, and asks the child to please try to do better next time.  She may tell the child she believes in him, or even make a suggestion about working harder – but she doesn’t give him any real help in figuring out how to change things, in the form of new structure so he can actually accomplish real change.

Uninvolved- What report card?  Or, if they do see it, they don’t notice that it’s a Xerox and some of the grades have been changed.  Don’t laugh – some of my son’s friends did this routinely in high school.

Authoritative- Asks child whether he’s surprised by the report card, and lots of other questions about what happened. Listens empathically.  Asks child what he thinks he can do to learn the material and bring his grades up. Agrees on a plan with the child: No more texting, chatting, listening to music, web-surfing or tv while doing homework. (Most kids can’t handle these distractions; they’re a privilege, not a right.)  No more TV during the week to allow extra study time for catching up with the work.    READ POST