Parenting Blog

I had an Aha! Moment recently when I received this letter from a reader:  "Dr. Laura, I appreciate all the emails about how to stay calm and inspired. I find they really help.  But what about those times when my kid does something really awful -- and deserves what's coming to him?! Won't he misinterpret it if I stay calm then? How do I teach him a lesson?" – Claudine

Now, because we do a better job when we’re calm, rather than frazzled, I do talk a lot in my daily inspiration emails about how to manage our own moods and emotions. I tell parents that we need to take care of ourselves so we have something inside to give our kids.

But this letter made me realize a basic fact about human emotion.  When we’re right, and the other person is wrong – and let’s assume for a moment that in this case, this is a fact, not just our opinion --- we WANT to let the other person know that. If they blew it, did something awful, don’t they deserve what’s coming?  And if it’s our kid, it’s our job to teach them. Shouldn’t we be showing them how upset we are? How else will they learn their lesson? 

Well, let’s double click on this.  Maybe we should start by thinking about how people learn lessons. What happens when you really blow it?  Let’s say you get a parking ticket. Or somehow lose your credit card as I did this week.  Or forget something really important at work, that endangers your job.  Does it help when your spouse or boss yells at you?

If you're intent on punishing your child, you'll be interested to know that research shows kids don't behave better when they're yelled at or punished.  Like the rest of us, kids who feel threatened go into "fight" or "flight" mode. Learning shuts off.    Eventually, if it becomes a regular occurrence, they develop new negative behaviors -- lying, sneakiness, tuning us out, disrespect. So when we yell at or punish kids, we don't prevent a recurrence of the behavior.  In fact, we lose influence with our kid.

I'm not suggesting you just let your kid continue doing whatever is driving you crazy.  I'm suggesting you adopt a strategy that will actually change his behavior.  I know it isn't as satisfying as yelling when you're angry.  But long term, it's a lot more gratifying in every way.

So, (you guessed it!) start by calming yourself down.  Then:

1. Meet your child's deeper needs. All behavior comes from the attempt to meet basic needs. What's causing this problem behavior? Is it a need for more connection from us?  More control over his life?  More recognition?  A more orderly, peaceful home? Clear limits? More sleep?

2. Help your child develop a competing impulse. For instance, If she wants to clobber her little brother, strengthen their relationship so she feels more protective of him.  (And in the meantime, be aware that pediatricians say never to leave a child under the age of five alone with a little one.) If she lies to you, explain that every lie cuts a cord in her relationship to you.  (See how much more effective these strategies are than yelling?)

3. Help your child develop a new habit. If you want her to remember something, whether it's her jacket at a friend's house or brushing her teeth, adopt routines to insure she develops the habit.

 4. Work with your child to find a win/win solution.  This is where you get your own need met, by making things different. Tell your child his action upset you and you want to work together to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's the recurring problems that most often push us to the breaking point, so it's worth solving them. And the only kind of solution that reliably lasts between humans is one that meets the needs of both people.  No, you're not giving in. You're not backing off your own need, remember?  You’re getting your own need met, AND teaching your child how to have a good relationship with another person – by finding win/win solutions.

5. Wait.  Most problem behavior, from dumping his milk on the floor to missing curfew, is age-appropriate.  You'll be pleased to know that by next year he'll have outgrown whatever problem behavior is driving you crazy -- and will have found several new ones!

The Aha! For me in this is that ALL of us want to be right.  That’s the way the human brain works.  But when we insist on being right, it means the other person has to be wrong.  And when someone feels wrong, they’re on the defensive.  That’s fight or flight.  It means learning shuts off.  So if we insist on being right, our kid CAN’T learn a lesson, and we're sabotaging both ourselves and our child.

t's fine to show our kids we’re upset, as long as we don't attack them.  But instead of modeling temper tantrums, we can model healthy emotional self-management.  Rather than railing against our kid, we take responsibility as the grown up.  We work with our kid to solve the problem. Yes, our kid learns lessons -- the most important ones!  That’s the kind of parenting all kids deserve.

My Aha! Parenting Moment last week came while my son was home for winter break. He had an operation on his knee and couldn’t do much besides lie on the couch and read. So he spent a fair amount of time playing computer games, something he doesn’t have time for at college. Now,  I loved having him home, but it took a lot of time to wait on him hand and foot while he was healing. I have to admit I was happy when he was occupied with the computer and I could focus on my own work.

So I would look up from writing at my computer and see him playing a computer game, and then feel guilty.  True, he’d already spent the morning reading philosophy for school.  But shouldn’t I do something with him?  Play chess, or make a photo album, or help him revise his resume to look for a summer internship? If only I wasn’t so busy, I knew I could interest him in something better for him than playing computer games.

Then I read a new study from the Kaiser Family Foundation. The study found that the average 8 to 18 year old American now spends practically every waking minute — except for the time in school — using a smart phone, computer, television or other electronic device.

So is technology use terrible for kids? Well, we can’t really study kids who don’t use technology because they don’t seem to exist in this country. Although one of my son’s friends doesn’t have a facebook page, and she did get perfect SAT scores, so my study of one supports the theory that kids do better without technology.

But in the Kaiser study, the kids who use technology three hours or less per day seem to do ok.  Presumably, that leaves them time for other passions, schoolwork, and relating to their families.

Excessive technology use, on the other hand, is associated with bad grades, depression, bad family relationships, and kids getting into all kinds of trouble. Of course, this is a chicken or egg problem, since maybe the kids with the problems are the ones most likely to retreat into technology addiction – but either way, the technology use isn’t helping.  

So the amount of time the average kid is spending with technology, which is every waking minute, really is bad for them. The authors of the study said they were shocked by their findings.

My Aha! Moment came when I started thinking about the study finding that more than 70% of kids have a TV in their bedroom, and about a third have a computer with Internet access in their bedroom. That’s what shocked me. I have to admit that I think my kids  spend too much time on their computers. They’ve always needed my help to resist the addictive lure of computer time, whether with Facebook or computer games.And while I consider myself a relatively permissive parent about many things, I know that a ton of money gets spent figuring out how to make my kids, and all kids, want to spend more time playing computer games or just hanging out on Facebook.   

So In the same way that I’ve taught my kids to eat right and brush their teeth, I’ve given them help to learn how to keep technology addictions from cutting into more productive time, whether that’s for schoolwork or reading or even sleeping, which experts say virtually all kids spend too little time doing.  So the idea of letting my kids have a computer or TV in their bedrooms seems roughly analogous to letting them have a drug dealer in their bedroom.  Why would I not protect my child?

Then I thought of my son playing computer games while I worked.  Aha!  Kids by themselves can’t handle that computer addiction. We know that. Reading or chess or artwork are all hard work.  Rewarding, yes, but hard.  They just can’t compete with the lure of the screen. Parents need to set that limit.  But we’re busy, as I was, on our own computers.  So we let our kids play one more computer game.  We let them retreat into their bedrooms, glued to their screens, so we can get one more thing done.  Who among us has time to play a game of chess with our kid, or make a photo album?

You’ll be happy to hear that the Kaiser study also showed that in homes with rules and limits on technology, like no television during meals or in the bedroom, young people used less media.  So parents who are brave enough to set limits about when and where kids use technology ARE effective in protecting their kids. And they’re rewarded -- with kids who do better in school, who are healthier, happier, and who relate more warmly with their families.

And, of course, it isn’t just setting limits, it’s actually spending time These parents might be getting another reward too. Working with your kid on his resume is a perfect time to talk about his future.  That photo album is great opportunity to ask your son about that cute girl.  And even that game of chess gives ample opportunity for your son to open up about what’s on his mind.

Excuse me while I close my computer and go spend time with my son.

I had an Aha! Moment yesterday,  when I was speaking with a reporter about parents yelling at their kids.  

“Doesn’t everybody yell?” she asked.  And it hit me. Yelling is the new spanking.

Most parents today know that spanking our kids produces worse behavior in the long run.

But yelling? Of course we yell.  It’s just one of those things that all parents do, that we may feel a bit guilty about, but we can't really see a way around, because how else do we get the kid's attention?  Isn’t that just being honest about our feelings?  We aren’t supposed to bottle it up inside, right? That’s not healthy.  And it's for their own good, after all.  They have to learn. They need to know we’re serious.  And it’s not like it hurts them.  They barely listen; they roll their eyes.  And, of course they know we love them.

But the truth is that yelling scares kids.  It makes them harden their hearts to us.  If your young child does not seem afraid of your anger, it’s an indication that he or she has seen too much of it and has developed defenses against it -- and against you. The unfortunate result is a child who is less likely to want to behave to please you. And as kids harden their hearts to us, they become more open to the influences of the peer group and the larger culture. The more often we get angry, the more defended they will be, and therefore the less likely to show that it bothers them.  But whether or not they show it, our anger is nothing short of terrifying to young children, and it pushes kids of all ages away from us.  It practically guarantees that they’ll have an “attitude” by the time they’re twelve, and that yelling fights will be the norm during their teen years.

So I sent the reporter a list of 14 ways parents can manage their own anger so they can stop yelling at their kids. 

The reporter wrote back “You are SOOOOOO good- can you come and move in with me for a week.. pretty please!!!”

I was amused, and flattered, of course, but also a bit demoralized.  I like to think that parents read that list and immediately stop yelling.  This lovely reporter made me realize that most parents, like her, probably think that what I’m describing is impossible.  My 14 steps may sound good on paper, but without me by her side, how could she hope to manage her anger?

I guess most parents do think it's impossible not to yell.  But believe it or not, there are households where parents don't raise their voices in anger to their children.  And I don’t mean an emotionally distant, with-holding, cold household, either, where no emotion is expressed.  We all know that’s not good for anyone.  

I mean homes where the parents are aware enough to breathe their way through their own emotional upsets so they don’t take them out on their kids.  To do this, parents have to BELIEVE that OF COURSE  kids will act like kids – that’s their job --  and the parent’s job isn’t fighting with their child, but helping the kid learn to manage their own emotions so they can have better relationships and do a better job solving the normal problems of life.  

John Gottman, author of The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, has done extensive research on friction in families. He says that the degree to which we can act as "emotion coaches" for our kids, rather than responding to their challenging behaviors with anger, is the degree to which kids are emotionally healthy.

So how do you become an emotion coach? Gottman’s research has identified five steps.
1. Become aware of child/teen's emotion
2. See it as opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen empathetically, validate feelings
4. Help child/teen find words to label the feeling
5. Set limits while generating options

That’s all there is to it.  The hard part, of course, is that we get our own feelings triggered in the process of interacting with our child’s upset, and managing our own emotions is a challenge for most of us.  But if we don’t manage them, we end up yelling.

Which brings me back to the reporter.  She KNOWS yelling isn’t helpful.  But she thought she needed me by her side to help her stop.  Her own private emotion coach.

And that was my AHA! Moment.  The bad news is, we all really do need our own private emotion coach to stop yelling.  But the good news is, that we all have one – ourselves!  I often tell parents that our primary job as moms and dads is actually to learn how to parent ourselves and coach ourselves emotionally.  If we can do that,  we’re more available to be constructive and loving with our kids, and being an inspired parent comes naturally.  

The other AHA! for me here is that we all need something we can remember to Do, not just something not to do.  In other words, you may have noticed that it’s more effective to tell a kid “Balls are for bouncing outside” rather than “Don’t bounce that ball in the house.”  We work with the momentum of the energy, and just redirect it, instead of trying to stop it. And we parents, instead of just telling ourselves “Parents shouldn’t yell” might be more effective with ourselves if we use the reminder “The parent’s job is emotion coaching our child.”

That’s the kind of self-coaching that eventually has us realizing that it’s been months since we yelled at anyone.  If you’ve been yelling at your kids, you may wonder if you can ever have that kind of Aha! Moment. But I guarantee you that if you start being your own emotion coach, as well as your child’s, you can. I’ve seen it work.  Not just in my home – it's true that I haven't yelled at my kids in years --  but you don’t have to be a child psychologist to stop yelling.  I’ve seen lots of parents make this transition.  It starts by believing it’s possible, and making a commitment.  Wouldn’t that be a great New Years Resolution?

My Aha! Parenting moment last week came when my husband called me three times to email him something at work. He often works on a computer at home and then emails himself documents so he can access them from the computer at his job. A couple of times a year, he’ll forget to send himself something important, so he’ll call me and ask me to email it to him.  Luckily, I have a home office, so it’s easy for me to go to his computer and email it.  

Last week, this happened not just once, but on three different days. My husband was very apologetic about interrupting my work.  He was grateful I was able to help him out.  But I found myself wondering if maybe he would have done a better job remembering to take care of this task himself I wasn’t so available to help him.  After all, the advice parenting experts always give parents is not to “rescue” kids if they forget their homework or their lunch, so they’ll “learn a lesson.”  

Smiling, I fantasized a scenario in which I would tell my husband that I loved him very much but couldn’t email him the document, because that would just encourage him to continue this irresponsible behavior. He might THINK I would be helping him if I emailed his important document to him, but it was really for his own good that I wasn’t going to send it. I knew it wouldn’t be easy right now that he didn’t have the presentation he needed for his meeting, that he had worked so hard on, but I was sure he would learn an important lesson from this experience. I knew that someday he would thank me for helping him learn this valuable lesson.

I considered what my husband’s response might be.  Disbelief, of course, and then begging.  Then anger.  And when I continued to hold to my position, he might even conclude that I don’t really love him. After all, if I really loved him, wouldn’t I do everything in my power to help him when he asked me for help?  

I had to laugh at this scenario.  Of course I would never do this to my husband.  And for exactly the same reasons, I would never do this to my child.  I’ve had the opportunity, although never three times in one week. But probably twice in my son’s high school career, he called and asked me to email homework to him so he could access it at school.  And probably once a year while my daughter was in middle school, I walked the five blocks to her school to drop off something she’d forgotten at home. If I’d said No to them, they might indeed have learned the lesson not to forget their work.  But I’m afraid they would also have learned another, unintended, lesson, about being unsupported in the world, and not being lovable enough, important enough, to their mother that she would do them a small favor they desperately needed. Would that have been worth the cost?

I asked my 14yr old daughter what she thought of the standard parenting advice not to rescue kids in these situations.  “Is the favor easy for the parent to do?” She asked. “Obviously, you wouldn’t leave your job to go home and get something the kid forgot.  But you mean the experts say you shouldn’t walk in the other room and email the kid his homework, or walk five blocks to the school?”

“That’s right,” I told her.  “They say that trains kids to let you wait on them hand and foot, and not to be responsible.”

“Anyone who says that is an idiot,” she answered.  “Teenagers need to know they can count on their parents. Parents who follow that advice will raise teenagers who won’t come to them when they’re in trouble. Besides, asking for help is a life skill everyone needs.”

So why IS this the standard parenting advice?  We think we’re teaching kids to be more responsible.  Instead we’re teaching them that they can’t count on their parents.

And it isn’t just the forgetting things issue.  Most parents punish their kids with “consequences” so they learn lessons, unwittingly teaching them the wrong things.

So, have I taught my kids to be irresponsible by rescuing them occasionally?  I don’t think so.  They’re both straight A students. They do their homework the minute they get home.  They seem to forget things less often than I do.

Now maybe you’re wondering what would have happened if my kids forgot something three times in one week.  And then three times the next week.  Wouldn’t I refuse to rescue them THEN?  Wouldn’t I make sure they suffered the consequences, to learn a lesson?

Actually, no.  I would work with them to help them develop a habit to help them remember.  Like always printing out homework the night before, packing the backpack, and leaving it by the door.  Putting a sticky note on the backpack if something needed to be added, like lunch from the fridge. And never going to sleep until they emailed whatever they’d been working on.  

Which is exactly the habit I’ll be working on with my husband this evening!

“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots, the other is wings.”  -- Hodding Carter

My Aha! Parenting Moment this week was realizing what the familiar Hodding Carter quote about roots and wings really means. I always thought it was about giving kids a secure foundation so they can fly.  And it is.  But I think it's really about independence.  Here's why.

When we think of an independent child, we usually think of a kid who separates easily as a toddler, who can take off on sleepovers without looking back by the age of five, heads off for a month to sleep-away camp at the age of nine.  That’s an independent kid, right?  

But my Aha Moment came while reading the research on this. Turns out that these scenarios have nothing to do with independence. They’re about separation from the parent, and they aren’t necessarily a good thing.  

Let me tell you about “The Strange Situation,” a lab protocol involving a brief but stressful separation from the mother at the age of 12 months, which is routinely used to evaluate toddlers’ attachment to their parents.  Turns out that babies respond in particular predictable ways to this separation and reunion in what to them is a strange place. Researchers classify 12 month olds as:

1. Secure – These babies protest the parent’s departure and are easily comforted by the parent when he or she returns. These babies, referred to as Securely attached, turn out to have better relationships with the parent to whom they’re securely attached, but that’s not all. As they develop, these children are ranked as better adjusted in virtually every way, including interpersonally and academically.

2. Resistant/ambivalent/preoccupied - These babies protest the parent’s departure but reject comfort from the parent upon his or her return. They have learned that their parent is not always dependable in meeting their needs and find it hard to be comforted by the parent. As they mature, these children stay focused on seeking the reassurance of relationships, but because of their anger and neediness they tend to create unfulfilling involvements. Their focus on the search for love keeps them from appropriately attending to other age-appropriate developmental tasks, such as learning and experimenting with independence. These children often become over-involved with peers in an attempt to fill unmet attachment needs.

3. Avoidant - These babies may not protest the parent’s departure and they do not seek comfort upon the parent’s return. These toddlers do not express age-appropriate comfort needs, apparently because they assume those needs will not be met in the relationship. Although they seem more independent in this laboratory situation, they are no more independent at home or in school, and in fact are rated by daycare teachers as more whiny and demanding than other babies the same age.
As they grow older, these children find their emotional needs overwhelming and frightening, and thus repress them. Unless they have the opportunity to experience therapy or another transformational love relationship, they may not develop much capacity for intimacy. While they may succeed in school and sports, their lack of social skills often limits their happiness and even their career success.

So, let’s go back to our toddler who doesn’t look up when mom leaves him for the first time at daycare.  Is he independent?  No, he’s Avoidant.  The Toddlers who did not notice the parent leaving the room were NOT the kids who grew up to be independent.  They were the kids who had given up on having their needs met.

So when we think about encouraging independence in kids, we have to put it in the context of age.  We wouldn’t expect a four month old to be independent, that would be an indicator of abnormal development.  And we’ve seen that the one year olds who are the best adjusted don’t look the most independent.  That makes sense, given that they’re still babies, and babies need their parents.

But we definitely want our children to become more and more independent as they grow up, right? So how do we do that?  Is it about separating from us?  I think it’s more about their ability to interact with the world without us always next to them. So maybe instead of thinking about independence as having to do with our child’s separation from us, we need to think of it as their ability to feel confident and competent in interacting with the world.  

So let’s re-define independence as being able to meet the age-appropriate developmental tasks required of kids as they grow up.  That means engaging with other toddlers without hitting them, or interacting appropriately with the kindergarten teacher, or participating in a sports team without tantrums, or taking responsibility for homework. In the beginning, these tasks usually involve the parents, but over time, the child begins to interact with the world on his own.  We call that independence.

So what makes a kid independent?  

Turns out there are two things.  First, having their emotional needs met – knowing that mom and dad are there when needed.  Once kids know we're available if they want us, they can be more independent, and focus on their appropriate developmental tasks.  If they don’t know if they can rely on mom and dad, kids have to be preoccupied with trying to win parental attention and approval, and it gets in the way of their developing independence.

Kids need an attachment object -- it's hard-wired for survival -- so trying to encourage independence from the parents will backfire. When we "push" kids into emotional independence, research shows, they become more needy.  If we insist on them becoming independent by not meeting their emotional needs, they’ll get over-involved with their peer group and fixate on other kids as attachment objects.  So instead of encouraging separation, we need to encourage them to attach to another adult, such as a babysitter.  True independence results from having emotional and dependency needs met, allowing kids to get on with the age-appropriate developmental tasks of growing up.

The second factor in independence?  Feeling powerful! When we "allow" their natural assertiveness to blossom by giving them control over the aspects of their life where that's appropriate, we are also encouraging their developing independence. It starts early, at about 12 months.  As kids pass the one-year mark they become more opinionated and assertive.  They need the experience of power in the most positive sense  -- that they can act on the world and get the desired result.  They also need to know that we are still there for them to help them interact with the world.  That developing sense of agency in the context of our guidance and support is what helps kids develop competence and confidence, which is the beginning of independence.

So my Aha! Moment was realizing that this is what Carter meant in his quote about Roots and wings.  Our rock-steady support and willingness to be there to meet our child’s dependency needs is the roots.  And the wings?  Knowing they’re powerful creators of their own lives, that when they act, it makes a difference.  Those are the kids who can fly.