Parenting Blog

“Dr. Laura -- I tried the advice you gave in your daily inspiration this morning to snuggle with my son, who is four and often seems angry since his brother was born.  At first it was great, he was giggling. Then he started to hit me. He wasn’t playing, he seemed actually really mad at me.  I didn’t know what to do, so I held his hand and said “I won’t let you hit me. I see you’re mad.”  Then he started to cry. Why did this happen when I was being so nice and trying to be close to him? What should I have done?” -- Katie

What Katie did was perfect. He helped her son feel safe enough to show her his upset feelings.  He showed her these feelings by hitting her.  She acknowledged his anger while limiting his acting on it.  That allowed him to go under the anger to the sadness that always causes anger.  It was precisely because she was "so nice and close" that this drama unfolded.  The good news is, this was good for her son, and he is feeling much happier and more cooperative today after his chance to express his sadness to his mom. Their relationship is closer.  He doesn't feel his usual anger about the baby.

Sometimes kids store up jealousy, anger, and other feelings they don't feel comfortable expressing. These feelings disconnect them from us, so they can't take in the love we're offering. They become difficult and argumentative.

When we initiate closeness with our child, it brings up their longing for closeness – and all those angry or sad feelings that are in the way! So when you snuggle, your child may begin crying or raging. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.  It means your child wants to accept the love you’re offering, and needs your help to let those feelings go that are in his way. So your child may have some emotional venting to do before he can connect with you. 

This is one of the great benefits of connection time with our kids.  They show us what’s happening and ask for our help to work it through.  Often this happens when we play with our kids, and the tense feelings can be released through giggling.  Sometimes your child will begin talking about her upset. If this happens, we just need to resist the urge to argue or fix the problem.  Instead, we can listen closely and empathize, so she feels understood.

But what if your child shows you feelings that are bothering him by acting sad or mad, or starting to hit you, as Katie’s son did?  He's asking for your help to face his feelings and let them go.  You might say:

"You were giggling a lot, but now you seem sad. Don't worry.  Everyone is sad sometimes.  I will stay right here and hold you while you're sad."

Or "All of a sudden you seem angry.  You're showing me that you have some mad feelings. That's ok.  Everyone gets mad sometimes. I can hold this pillow for you to hit, or you can tell me about being mad." 

Then just listen, whether your child is using words, tears, or pillow punching to express his feelings.  If he tries to hit you, hold his hands gently but firmly and say, “I won’t let you hurt you me.  Don’t worry, I will be right here and you can show me how upset you are.” He may well struggle against you, which kids seem to need to express their anger --- but hold him as gently as possible, and it’s fine to let go if he isn’t trying to hit you.  You're not trying to "contain" or "provoke" him,  You're trying to give him a safe place to express his feelings, whatever they are.  Just stay close and speak calmly. Breathe, don't take it personally, and just be there for your child.

After he has a chance to vent, you'll find he's relieved, much happier and more connected to you. And ready for that loving snuggle!