Parenting Blog

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival.  We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth." -- Virginia Satir

We all want that closeness with our children that makes our hearts melt.  But so much of what we consider normal parenting pushes our children away, and makes them more difficult.   READ POST

"Ten minutes of play up front will save you a half hour of nagging on the back end...Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child." -- Dr. Lawrence Cohen  READ POST

"Whereas he was once the center of your universe, he has been displaced from this paradise. He is now in time out, while you coo at his tiny rival. You cannot, of course, push back the clock to a time when he, alone, was the apple of your eye. All the same, trying to imagine how frustrated your 3 year old must often feel can help you counteract his sense of loss. Your expressions of love, gestures of devotion, and moments of intimacy with your son can help him feel less deserted and alone. Helping your son recapture a sense of shared joy in his relationship with you will turn down the fuel of his hate, and--in addition--smooth the pathway to his identification with you as a loving, protective, sharing person. Like all small children, he wants at moments to be an indulged infant and at other moments to be a powerful grown-up, someone capable of indulging and taking care of others. Part of your son wants to cherish and protect his little sister, and you will be gladdened bit by bit as the growth of this grown-up, protecting person begins to express itself more powerfully in his personality." -- Elizabeth Berger

Today we wrap up our discussion of what to do when the almost-3- year old pees on the baby.  Last week we looked at why spankings and timeouts just increase the amount of anger your little one is feeling and make it even harder, over time, for him to control himself. (If you missed that post, it's here.)  Tuesday, we considered whether Sticker charts work for a crime of passion like this.  Wednesday, we nailed the real solution -- helping our little guy surface and heal the feelings driving his behavior -- in How much more love and affection can I give him?

Today, let's talk about connection. We've had long emails recently.  We'll keep this short.  READ POST

"I like the suggestions in your post "Getting Kids to Cooperate" but I don't like the title ... It reeks a little of coercion and tricking, which your post isn't about...  I think a big thing for the mother in question would be to stop seeing her child's behavior as "bad"... and if the kid skips a bath, it's not that bad." -- MamaPoekie, Authentic Parenting   READ POST

"Some nights I look in on our sleeping children before I go to bed. I watch their softly tousled heads slumbering on their pillows, and sadness wells up in me. Have I drunk in their smiles and laughter and hugged them, or have I just checked things off my to-do list today? They're growing so quickly. One morning I may wake up and one of my girls will be getting married, and I'll worry: Have I played with them enough? Have I enjoyed the opportunity to be a part of their lives?" -- Janet Fackrell  READ POST

Dr. Laura....I do try to find things to appreciate about my children.  But there are some behaviors that are simply not acceptable.  How can I find something positive to say when my daughter raises her voice to me, or makes loud noises on purpose when I'm feeding the baby, or won't get in the tub?  She looks right at me and refuses to follow my requests." -- Carmen  READ POST

"If all you did was just look for things to appreciate you would live a joyous, spectacular life."
- Jerry & Esther Hicks

You could probably find negative things to say to your child all day long.  All of them "deserved" and none of them effective in helping your child want to behave. 

"Get out of bed right now...Aren't you ready yet?....You'd lose your head if it wasn't on your shoulders....How many times have I told you?....Stop that right now...You're wearing me out....Pick up that jacket...Don't start with me....Leave your sister alone...Are you listening to me?...What part of No don't you understand?"

Whenever you feel like criticizing your kid, you’re reacting out of fear.  Fear that your child won’t grow up ok, because either you or your child isn’t good enough.  That’s your inner critic, and regardless of what it tells you, it isn't always right.    READ POST