Parenting Blog

"The purpose of life is to let love use us for its purposes." – Guy Finley

If the purpose of life is to bring more love into the world, then raising children is a particularly good opportunity to live your mission.

Today, get down on your child's level and hug him or her. Tell him all the positive things you notice about him.  Spend time listening to him with an open heart, without judging or jumping in with solutions or opinions. 

Time yourself and don't let interruptions in. Your goal is to spend at least ten minutes focusing positively on each child, without a structured activity.  Just be present and make a loving, warm connection while you let your child know how lucky you feel to be their parent.

If discipline is required today, think of it as loving guidance and keep the positive connection while you guide your child.

Tomorrow, repeat.  In a month, your child will be showing up differently in the world.  And, of course, so will you.

May your week be filled with miracles, large and small.  READ POST

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well” -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross  READ POST

"If you entertain thoughts that people are doing things to you -- for example, that your child (or anyone else) is manipulating you, taking advantage of you, ignoring you, or disrespecting you -- you will often feel annoyed, irritated, and angry.  However, when instead you think in terms of the needs that you and your child are trying to meet in every action taken, then you are more likely to feel compassion and connection.  And you are much more likely to take action that contributes to your child's well-being as well as your own."  -- Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hodson

We all have needs -- for food, touch, fun, safety, self-expression, connection with others.  Children are born completely powerless.  They're still trying to figure out how to get their needs met. Once kids are convinced their needs matter to their parents -- on whom they depend to meet those needs -- they can relax and listen to their parents' agenda.  In other words, they don't have to fight with us to try to get their needs met.  They feel the way we all feel when our needs are met: comfortable, happy, open, appreciative.  That's when they're ready to cooperate.

When your kids use a dysfunctional strategy to meet their needs, notice the deeper need they're trying to fill.   READ POST

"Some nights I look in on our sleeping children before I go to bed. I watch their softly tousled heads slumbering on their pillows, and sadness wells up in me. Have I drunk in their smiles and laughter and hugged them, or have I just checked things off my to-do list today? They're growing so quickly. One morning I may wake up and one of my girls will be getting married, and I'll worry: Have I played with them enough? Have I enjoyed the opportunity to be a part of their lives?"
-- Janet Fackrell

Research shows we need five positive interactions to each negative interaction to maintain a healthy, happy relationship.

It's part of our job description to enforce limits with our children, deny their requests, correct their behavior.   Sometimes we're skillful enough that our child doesn't even perceive those interactions as "negative" -- but that's rare.  More often, they give us the benefit of the doubt because all the other loving, affirming interactions create a positive balance in our relationship account.  But when we're short on positive interactions, our relationship balance dips into the red. That's when kids develop attitude, whether they're two or twelve.

What can you do today to refill your relationship account with your child?  Write down five things and do at least one each day this week.  READ POST

"Only Connect." -- E.M Forster  

Have you noticed two recurring themes in these daily inspirations? 

The first theme is that when we feel good, we're better parents.  Quite simply, we can only give what we have inside. That's why so many of these daily emails are about how to take better care of and manage ourselves.

The other theme is that parenting effectively always depends on our connection to our kids. Without that connection, we have little influence ("My kids won't listen!") and, frankly, parenting becomes an exhausting, thankless task.

Deepening our connection with our kids and keeping it strong as they grow is the work of parenting.  Of course kids need guidance, but that only sticks if the connection is there to support our teaching.  As our infants grow into toddlers and start to require limits, how do we maintain a strong connection while setting those limits?  Can we keep the connection solid as our child starts daycare or preschool?  As our kids move into the school years and out into the world, how do we stay connected so we can enforce high expectations?  And as our kids evolve into teenagers -- when we get fired as the boss -- how can we make sure we have a good enough connection with them so that we get rehired as consultants?

Welcome to the work of parenting.  Of course, that's where the rewards are, too.
  READ POST