Parenting Blog

“Raising children, for me, was really about listening. I put myself in their shoes for a minute and really tried to imagine myself at that age. I always want my children to know that they’re heard.” — Kyra Sedgwick

Want your kids to listen to you?  As in, listen to your guidance, and do what you tell them?

If you just give commands, you have to keep escalating to get your child's attention.  And when you aren't in the room, who knows what they'll do?  Research shows that the parents who have the most influence on their kids are the ones who listen.  Their kids feel heard, understood, appreciated.  In return, they're more likely to understand and appreciate their parents' point of view.

Becoming a good listener is a skill that takes practice.  The first exercise is closing the mouth.  Is it a coincidence that the letters in the word “LISTEN” also can be used to spell “SILENT”?  READ POST

My Aha Parenting moment this week relates to the movie Coraline.  By now, you probably know that the movie is about a young girl who moves into a new house.  Her parents, both writers, work at home. They’re on deadline and too busy to pay attention to her, fill the fridge, or help her unpack and set up her room.  Bored and irritable, Coraline finds a door into a mirror world with an identical but more attentive Other Mother and Father who lavish affection on her, cook for her, and arrange dazzling entertainments.    READ POST

In the United States, we often make a cultural presumption that teens and young adults who are close to their parents are less independent in their lives.  That's not true, says recent research.  In fact, young adults who feel they can share honestly with their parents say they feel free to make independent decisions and don't feel the need to rebel against their parents' expectations.

Dr. Yanir defined a close relationship with parents as one in which children talk with their parents often and regularly spend time together (eating meals together, for example), and one in which a child feels comfortable sharing his thoughts and experiences with his parents.  She distinguished between parent-child connectedness and relationship-orientation, which refers to the child's need to satisfy his parents and fulfill their expectations. Connected kids may share with parents and solicit their advice, and still make independent choices and decisions.

"An independent young adult is one who exhibits independence not only in his day-to-day life but also in the emotional sphere, and who makes his way in life with emotional and intellectual autonomy," Dr. Yanir explained in an interview in Science Daily. "The research found that following adolescence, the familial connection is an important factor in forming one's identity and living an independent life. It seems that not only can independence and closeness exist together, but they actually flourish together."  READ POST

A mom asked me this week, "What can parents do to raise great kids, given that babies and even older kids need us so much, but we need to work?"

There’s no perfect solution, but many parents are navigating a way through the maze of options, putting together a life that works for them and for their children.

1. Choose professions that offer more flexibility, even if less money.

2. Arrange for both partners work part-time while children are under six so that both share in early child raising.  Later, more flexibility and fewer hours than most fulltime jobs.

3. Use technology as a servant, not a master.  Carve out protected family time.

4. Pay conscious attention to who does the work at home.  Share it.

5. Prioritize relationship and ritual. (Choose dinner with friends the first Friday night of each month over the latest movie opening.)

6. Space children three years or more apart to maximize individual parent-child relationships.

7. Consciously create home as a calm, safe, warm refuge. (Resist over-scheduling, over-stimulation and stress.)

8. Live stated values. (No grand theft auto or shoot-em-up computer/video games.)

9. Embrace individuality and nurture individual passions, which are protective for kids in the face of cultural and peer pressure.

10. Nurture the family as a whole (do things together as the default.)  READ POST