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“My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring. I also believe that I sometimes need some mercy and love myself.” -- BarelyKnitTogether READ POST
“Here’s something that fear will never tell you. You don’t have to feel this way. Fear only tells you about fight or flight. It never tells you that the mountain in front of you is of your own making.” -- Guy Finley READ POST
"I am a recovering perfectionist. Before, I experienced
that I and everyone else was always falling short, that who we were and
what we did was never quite good enough. I sat in judgment on life
itself. Perfectionism is the belief that life is broken...Wholeness
lies beyond perfection. The life within us is diminished by
judgment...." -- Dr. Naomi Remen
I first went to therapy as a young woman because I hoped it
would make me perfect. Even once I learned that wasn't possible, I still
aimed for perfection, figuring that falling short would at least get me
closer to perfection. Secretly, I thought
that only by being
perfect would I be good enough
to be lovable.
It wasn't until I became a mother that I realized
perfectionism is always the enemy of love. By definition, perfectionism
is judging ourselves, our loved ones, and life as not good enough. We
reject the present moment -- peanut butter hands, tear-stained face and all -- in favor of some idealized
image which can never be real, always holding ourselves back from really
loving. (Because how can you love while you're judging?) We think once
we lose weight, our child gets through this phase, and our spouse gets a
raise, our real life will start. But as John Lennon once said, Life
is what happens to you while you're busy making
other plans.
So if you're trying to be a perfect parent and raise perfect
kids, imagine going through childhood with a mother who thinks you
aren't good enough.
Ready to renounce perfection? Remind yourself, like a
mantra: "I are more than enough, just the way I am."
When your child (shockingly!) turns out not to be perfect,
say "That's ok, honey. You don't have to be perfect. Nobody's
perfect, not even grownups. You are more than enough, just the way you
are. You are such a gift to me, and to the world, just the way you are,
and I love you so much, no matter what."
You might find that in the midst of imperfection, life feels
a whole lot more perfect. READ POST
"Imagine that your children's behavior is a coded message.
To break the code, translate what they are doing into a sentence that
starts with "I need__________" or "I feel _______." Fill in the blank,
and then respond to that need or feeling, not the behavior." -- Dr.
Larry Cohen
Sometimes we all make choices that make us feel bad about
ourselves. Whether it's more cake, that comment to our spouse, sleeping
through the alarm clock, or yelling at our kid, we know better but do it anyway. Why? We're driven by
some unmet need or unaddressed feeling. If we can fill that need or
resolve that feeling, we can change our behavior.
Your child is no different. Punishing him for acting on his
unmet needs or turbulent feelings only gets temporary obedience, if
that. Addressing the need or feeling eliminates the source of the
misbehavior and allows your child to make choices that make him feel
good about himself. How?
To cranky toddler: "Nothing seems to be going right for you
this morning after we stayed up
so late last night....I think we need an early nap so you
can get rid
of your crankiness and enjoy your afternoon."
To angry four year old: "You're yelling and very upset....I
can hold this pillow for you to hit....I will stay with you while you
let out all your angry and sad feelings....it's ok....everybody needs to
cry sometimes..."
To whining seven year old: "You've been trying to get my
attention all day....I'm closing my computer. You have my undivided
attention for twenty minutes. What should we do?"
To
moping nine year old: "You
seem sad and bored to me. I miss our special times together,
since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. When the
little ones
nap today, let's have special time for just you and me."
To anxious twelve year old: "You're having a hard time
falling asleep at night now, aren't you? That often happens with kids
your age. There's a lot going on --- your body changing, your
friendships shifting, school getting harder. Even I must seem different
-- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid
who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down
with you for a bit at bedtime so we can chat for awhile?"
To disrespectful fourteen
year old: "I notice you're snapping at
me lately.... you know we don't talk to each other that way in this
house....it's not like you to be disrespectful....I'm wondering if this
is because you've been wanting more independence and I've been saying no
to things you want to do....come sit with me on the couch and let me
rub your shoulders....Let's talk about how you can have the independence
you want and I can still trust that you're safe."
Watch for unmet needs like sleep, connection and autonomy.
Feelings that need to vent include anger, usually with sadness or fear
right behind it. You don't have to be a detective or a therapist. Just
give your child the benefit of the doubt when he misbehaves, the chance
to express himself, and the miracle of your attention. I guarantee a happier, more cooperative child. READ POST
“If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging."
-- Diane Loomans
READ POST
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