Parenting Blog

“When we do things that are controlling, whether intentional or not, we are not going to get the long-term outcomes we all want for our kids.”" -- Alfie Kohn  READ POST

"All communication is either an SOS or a care package." -- Kelly Bryson
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"If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far." --Daniel Goleman
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“Although few parents purposely raise their children to lead lives of quiet desperation, the parent who raises her child without taking the time to know his heart may discover that she unwittingly led him straight down this path.” – Laura Ramirez

I shouldn’t have to remind my children to do what’s right. They should know by now.

Of course. But knowing what’s right and wanting to do what’s right are two different things.

My children should WANT do right. Their good intentions should win out over their darker impulses.

Of course. But do yours, always?  How long did it take you to WANT to do right? Do you ALWAYS do right?

But I’ve taught my children what’s right. Why can’t they do what I say?

Because for us humans to do right, our hearts need to WANT to.  That's the secret of free will -- it starts in the heart. The more unhappy your child’s heart, the more unhappy her behavior.

Why’s her heart so unhappy?  She knows I love her. What’s her problem?

Human hearts are 100% a product of our experiences in the world, which aren’t wholly positive, even for the luckiest person. Who among us feels 100% lovable, that we’re more than enough, exactly as we are?

How do I change my child’s heart, then?

By embracing your child and accepting him exactly as he is. Stop sending him the message that he has to change to be ok.  Once his heart stops struggling for a foothold, it can relax into love.  Humans who feel good about themselves WANT to do right.

I don’t have time for all this “heart” stuff. Why can’t my kid just behave?

Your kid can “just behave,” as soon as his heart can choose love. Your choice is to help that process, or hinder it. We don’t have to like the way humans are built, but like ignoring the laws of gravity, ignoring the way humans are put together doesn't give us the best results.

I think kids should just behave. 

As a parent, I often do too.  But as a mentor to my children, I want the best long-term result, not the best short-term result. That comes from going beyond the behavior to the heart.   READ POST

"Before we're 8 years old, we have almost no capacity to filter out information that comes to us. So if parents or teachers, people we count on to nurture us, say something hurtful to us before the age of eight...it goes in quite deep and we carry those misbeliefs with us. They profoundly affect our relationship to ourselves, to others...our sense of value in the world."  -- Dr. David Simon
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"The achievement of your goal is assured the moment you commit yourself to it." -- Mack R. Douglas

"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there."-- Bo Jackson

"It is possible to act a little nicer than you feel, but not much." -- Nancy Samalin

Next time your kid is pushing your buttons and driving you crazy, try committing yourself.  No, not to a mental institution.  To being a parent who doesn't yell.

Research shows that when we consciously, verbally "commit" ourselves to a course of action we're likely to achieve it, especially if we work at it daily.  By contrast, simply "wishing" something would be different, or even "regretting" things we've done, doesn't usually change a thing.

So if you want to be a parent who doesn't yell, start today.  Commit yourself.  And then watch how resourceful you become in meeting your goal.

Step One? Notice that by the time you're losing it, not yelling is only possible if you bite your tongue so hard you give yourself a piercing.  That's not what I recommend.  You can't act much nicer than you feel.  So after you commit yourself, the first step in becoming a parent who doesn't yell is taking care of yourself. 

What can you do to take care of yourself today, so you feel happier and less stressed?  Can you do it right now? If not now, when?  READ POST