Parenting Blog

“When we do things that are controlling, whether intentional or not, we are not going to get the long-term outcomes we all want for our kids.”" -- Alfie Kohn

Today we're exploring the 7th commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person in 2010:

Commit to guidance rather than punishment. 

What kind of kid do you want to raise?  Happy, responsible, considerate, respectful, honest -- whether 6 or 16? Your chances of that go way up if you never punish your child. That means no spanking, no timeouts, no yelling, no contrived consequences. Really. No punishment.

The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn't help kids learn to behave. Studies show that ALL punishment makes kids feel worse about themselves and act worse. If punishment helped kids become more self disciplined and behave better, you'd only have to do it once. Punishment is also associated with lying. Kids who aren't punished don't lie to their parents, because they don't need to -- and the relationship is too important to them.

So why do we punish? We think we should. It alleviates our own frustration. It makes us feel less powerless. We're afraid we don't have any other way to coax good behavior out of our kids.

But children who are guided (which is what the word discipline means) and treated respectfully are better behaved and happier.  Yes, of course, there are expectations for behavior.  But no need to punish. These kids WANT to behave.

So how can you help kids behave without punishment?

1. Lead by loving example.  That means managing your own unruly emotions and speaking respectfully to your child.

2. Stay connected, even while you guide, so your child wants to please you. When they feel they can't please us, kids harden their hearts to us. So set limits, but set them with empathy: “You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit.  Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."

4. Address the needs that are motivating the misbehavior.

5. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us. If your child ignores your guidance, it means your relationship isn't strong enough to support the teaching. Back off and focus on rebuilding a close relationship.

6. Redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“We don't throw balls in the house. You can throw the ball outside”).

7. Help your child learn to manage his own emotions.

8. Remember that kids need to feel like they can be themselves and still be loved. Being themselves means being age-appropriate, which always includes asserting some control over their own lives. Stick to your guns on what's most important, which is the way your child treats others, but give where you can, and always give choices.

9. Model "win-win" problem solving. You can always find a solution that everyone can live with.

10. Resist the urge to make your child wrong. You're the grown up. You have nothing to prove.  But you do have a responsibility to be the guide through this territory of life, which means modeling maturity and compassion.

Sound hard? I'm afraid it is. The catch is obvious: The parent has to be the one who changes first. We can't indulge in blame and punishment, we have to be more patient, we have to work with our child to solve problems and get everyone's needs met. But the payoff is huge. Because once we change, our child changes.

May your day be filled with miracles, large and small.

P.S. All the links above will help you put these ideas into practice. For more support, please join me on my next teleseminar, where I'll be answering questions about how to make all this work at your house!

"All communication is either an SOS or a care package." -- Kelly Bryson

Today we're exploring the sixth commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person in 2010!:

Commit to looking for the needs behind your child’s behavior.

Your kid has a reason for whatever he’s doing that displeases you. It might not be what you consider a good reason, but he has a reason, and it’s what’s motivating his behavior. 

If yelling at him about his behavior were going to change it, that would have worked already, right?  Berating, nagging, and criticizing actually add to the problem by making him defensive. Only by addressing the underlying need can we participate in the solution and change our child’s behavior. 

Does that mean you shouldn't get annoyed?  You probably can't avoid it, if you're human.  But it's possible to transform your annoyance, which will make you more effective in redirecting your child's behavior. 

How? By remembering that your kid is just trying to meet legitimate human needs, like the rest of us -- except in an immature way (because, by definition, a child is an immature human). By seeing all "misbehavior" as an SOS.

What kinds of needs are we talking about?  Attention, self-determination, food, sleep, physical activity, physical affection, love, power (everyone needs to feel like they can have an impact on their world!).  All the needs that motivate all humans. But often what lies behind our kids' most irritating behaviors are these questions: 

• "Do you love me?"
• "Do you see me?"
• "Do you know how much I need you?"
• "Can I be wholly myself and still be acceptable to you?"

Kids who don't have to fight to get their needs met mature faster, so their needs are expressed with more maturity. And parents who address kids’ needs pre-emptively by noticing problem areas (“Hmm….looks like she wants to choose her own clothes, even if they don’t match!”) are rewarded with kids who cooperate.

And, miracle of miracles, you'll start to get Care Packages -- your child responding to YOUR needs -- among those SOS behaviors.

"If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far." --Daniel Goleman

Today we're exploring the fifth commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!:

 Commit to teaching emotional intelligence.

Most new parents consciously strive to nurture their baby's intelligence. But in all the hoopla over the ineffectiveness of Baby Einstein tapes, we're missing the big story:  Emotional Intelligence is much more critical to your child's future than intellectual intelligence.

Managing anxiety in order to tackle a big project, managing anger in order to work through a marital conflict, managing fear in order to apply for a job -- the ability of a human being to manage his or her emotions in a healthy way will determine the quality of his life much more fundamentally than his IQ. Even as a youngster, your child's ability to read the cues of other children will make the difference between being able to join in the festivities at a birthday party and  make friends versus being a social outcast.  In fact, psychologists have come to call this ability EQ, or Emotional Intelligence Quotient.

What are the core components of high EQ?  Emotional self knowledge and self acceptance, sensitivity to the cues of others,  empathy (which can be defined as the ability to see and feel something from the other’s point of view), and the ability to regulate one’s own anxiety in order to talk about emotionally charged issues in a constructive way.

How do you teach emotional intelligence? You see every "difficult" emotion expressed by your child as an opportunity.

1. Empathize. Even if you can't "do anything" about your child's upsets, empathize. Kids develop empathy by experiencing it from others. And just being understood helps humans to let go of troubling emotions. If your child's upset seems out of proportion to the situation, remember that we all store up emotions and then let ourselves experience them once we find a safe haven. Then we're free to feel good and move on.

2. Remember that little ones can't differentiate between their emotions and their "selves." Accept your child’s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, which gives kids the message that some feelings are shameful or unacceptable. Instead, teach that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, even while actions must be limited. ("You feel so angry at your brother for pushing you! That hurt! We don't hit, but let's tell him in words that he isn't to hurt you.")

3. Give your kids words to express how they feel (“You’re mad your tower fell!”), which is the first step for kids in learning to manage the emotions that overpower them.

4. Look for the needs behind feelings. "Troublesome" feelings signal a need.  Shutting down the feelings doesn't get rid of the need, or the feeling. In fact, repressed feelings tend to pop out unmodulated, for instance when your otherwise well-behaved toddler socks her little brother.  Instead, address the need, whether it be for power ("You want to do it yourself!"), connection ("Starting school is fun, but you miss time with Mommy. Let's snuggle and play together every day after school for a bit"), or sleep ("You're having a hard time this morning.  I think everything is a bit too much for you because we all got to bed late last night and didn't get quite enough sleep. Maybe we need to spend some cozy time this morning on the couch reading a pile of books.")

5. When a desire can't be granted, acknowledge it and grant it through "wish fulfillment" (“You wish you could have a cookie.. I bet you could gobble ten cookies right now!”), then find a way to meet the deeper need ("I think you're hungry.  It's almost time for dinner but you can't wait.  Let's find a snack that makes your body feel better.")

6. Remember that anger is always a defense against deeper emotions, like fear, hurt or sadness. Acknowledge the anger, but then go under it to empathize with the deeper emotions and try to address them. ("You hate the new baby? I hear you. I see how mad you are at me for spending time with the baby.  You liked it better when it was just you and me. You feel so sad that things are different now and I am so busy with the baby.  Come snuggle with me and I will hold you and you can feel your sad and mad feelings. When you're ready I will kiss your nose and toes and we can play baby games, just you and me.")

7. Don't take it personally, and resist the urge to escalate or retaliate.  Your child has big feelings. They aren't about you, even when they're yelling "I hate you!" It's about them: their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their emotions.  When your daughter says "You NEVER understand!" try to hear that as information about her -- at this moment she feels like she's never understood -- rather than about you. Model emotional self-management by simply taking a deep breath and trying to see it from her perspective. Remind yourself that it's hard to be a kid.  She doesn't yet have the internal resources to manage her emotions -- but you do, right? 

7. Don't get lost in emotion. Emotions are a message, not a place to wallow. Teach your kids to notice them, breathe through them, NOT necessarily act on them, then problem-solve and move on. 

Emotion-coaching begins with managing our own unruly emotions so that we can coach our kids on how to handle theirs.  Tough? Yes, because most of us weren't raised this way ourselves. 

Have you noticed the silver lining? We get a chance to grow in emotional intelligence ourselves.  So if you got swatted instead of understood when you were a kid, it's never too late to have a happy childhood.

"Children learn what they live." --Dorothy Law Nolte

Today we're exploring the fourth commitment of "10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!"  (You can find details on the earlier commitments on my blog.)

 Commit to role-modeling RESPECT.

Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years?  Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully.  Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember the cardinal rules of managing your emotions with kids:  You’re the role model, don’t take it personally, and this too shall pass!

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? Never.  But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely. 

What's effective is to calmly and kindly re-establish the standard for respect, while offering the understanding that your child is obviously upset to speak like this, and as always you're there to support him.  Here's the three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness in every interaction with your child.  If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect.  Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to.  Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving him your focused, positive attention. If your child lashes out at you, that's a symptom of pain that you want to address.

3. When your child speaks disrespectfully, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying warmly connected to your child. Say in the kindest voice you can manage:  "Wow, your tone of voice hurts. You must be very upset to speak to me that way. That's not like you. You know I don't speak to you in that tone.  Want to tell me what's upsetting you?"  Or, if you know already, "I'm hearing that you're very angry at me right now.  I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Of course, if you've been speaking to your child in a disrespectul tone (and yes, that includes yelling), this only works if you resolve now to stop.  Just start catching yourself in the middle of yelling, and closing your mouth.  Walk out of the room if you need to ("I'm sorry I'm yelling.  I don't want us to speak to each other this way.  I need to take a few minutes to calm down and then we'll try again.")

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person.  If we ignore their disrespect, we teach them it's ok to treat others that way.  If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we role model disrespectful behavior and insure that it will continue. 

If, instead, we greet their upset with kindness and caring, it immediately de-escalates the situation and highlights their rudeness as inappropriate.  Once kids get used to being treated this way, they usually calm down quickly and offer an unprompted apology.

Sound hard? Yes. This is the hardest stuff there is -- managing our own unruly emotions so that we can coach our kids on how to handle theirs.  But my experience is that any parent can make this transition and change the tone in their house to one of respect and warmth. And that's a miracle worth creating.

"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label.  Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients and to pull the weeds.  You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom." -- Anonymous

Monday's weekly Aha! newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make, to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!"  Yesterday, we examined #1: Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so your child gets the best of you. 

Today, let's look at Parenting Commitment #2:

Commit to loving the child you have.

If you're like most parents, there are times when you'd like to submit your kid to "Extreme Child Makeover."  (That's a reality show playing in a living room near you.) Maybe you wish your shrinking violet would stop clinging to you and just go play with the other kids.  Maybe you wish he'd stop clobbering the other kids. Maybe her shriek makes you cringe in public. Maybe you just always wanted a girl and you got two raucous boys.

But the one thing we know for certain about child development is that kids who feel loved and cherished thrive. 

That doesn’t mean kids who ARE loved – plenty of kids whose parents love them don’t thrive. The kids who thrive are the ones who FEEL loved, accepted and cherished for exactly who they are. 

The hard work for us as parents is accepting who our child is, warts and all – and cherishing him or her for being that person, even while guiding behavior. How?

1. Notice your child -- aloud -- so she feels seen: "You've been working for a long time on that tower." "You love being in the water." "That makes you so mad!"

2. Use a positive lens. When you find that something about your child's behavior makes you unhappy, remember that weaknesses are the flip side of that person's strengths.  If she has trouble controlling her anger when her brother disrespects her, is she an equally passionate fighter against other injustices?  Is his dawdling a sign of the imagination that will someday make him a great novelist?

3. See things from his perspective. Maybe his behavior is irritating to you, but it's always understandable if you take the time to see his viewpoint.

4. Accept all feelings, even while you limit behavior.  Most kids get the message that their feelings are bad, which makes them bad. Yes, your kid would be easier without all those messy feelings, but they're part of being human.  Accept and manage them: "You're sad that you can't stay up with the big kids.  It's ok to cry.  It's hard to have to go to bed when other kids are still up. Let's read an extra book tonight so we can snuggle longer and help you feel better."

5. Guide instead of punishing. Punishment always makes kids feel like bad people, because kids can't distinguish between their behavior and themselves, even if you can.  Guidance sets standards for behavior without labeling your child as bad. "I see how mad you are. You can hit this pillow as hard as you want, but people are not for hitting."

6. Help your child learn to manage her challenges without negative labeling. How? Describe how you've noticed this wonderful thing about her, but sometimes the flip side of this trait can be a challenge to live with -- both for her and other people.  Ask her if she has ideas about how to manage it so she gets the benefits but not the drawbacks.  If you or her other parent has the same trait, point that out and talk about learning to manage it.  Make your story positive and hopeful. That will help her to feel less alone and more optimistic about handling what may seem like a daunting challenge. Be sure to make it clear that everyone changes, and that as we grow up, it gets easier to manage ourselves.

7. Remember that most of what upsets parents is developmentally normal. They act like two year olds because they are two year olds. That doesn't mean they'll grow up to be criminals. Children need to know that they don’t make mistakes because they're bad, but because they're human, and, in many cases, because they're children:  “I know you didn’t mean to yell at your friend when you got upset.  You’ve been working hard not to lose your temper.  I had a hard time managing my temper when I was eight too.  It will get easier as you get older.”

8. Be patient.  Sometimes you need to keep talking, keep reminding, keep exploring ways to manage whatever his challenge may be.  And what works will evolve as he does.  But once you've found a way to help your child see his whole self positively, he'll be on the road to learning how to manage even the most challenging character traits. Even more important, he'll feel cherished for who he is. Celebrate every step in the right direction.