Parenting Blog

You may know that the Federal Trade Commission recently changed the rules governing blogs, as well as Facebook and Twitter. Beginning December 1, bloggers must disclose paid posts, sponsored posts and items received for free.  As a former journalist, I think these new regs are a great idea.

It's probably obvious from looking at my site, but my mission is to help moms and dads become more inspired parents -- and happier people -- which is what helps parents raise responsible, considerate, happy children.  Aha Parenting is a gift to parents, designed to support them in transforming their relationships with their children.  Does it need to pay for itself, cover costs and my time?  Yes, but so far the revenue doesn't cover costs -- although I remain hopeful!   But I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I never accept paid or sponsored blog posts. Other than guest posts, every word on my site is written by me because I believe it will help kids and parents.   READ POST

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players..." -- William Shakespeare

The problem with parenting is that we don't get any prep time. We're always on stage, performing for an audience that responds to our every off-hand word or motion. We learn our lines as we go, improvising, no sooner mastering one cue than it's replaced by a new one. We spend the entire play just trying to get ahead of the action enough to think about what to do next.  But before we know it, the play is over and our little audience has grown up and gone on with their lives. Yell as we might, we're off their stage. Our chance to impact them is over.

Sound bleak?  Not really. The silver lining is that we can always rewrite the script to create the home of our dreams. The key is making time to reflect throughout the action. That's the only way to notice the places where we keep stumbling, so we can come up with ideas to course correct.

For instance, try visualizing. In a quiet moment, consider the last time you felt you blew your lines on the stage of parenting. What were the cues from your child or other players that set you off?  Visualize how you want to react the next time this happens.  Let it play out in your mind with you as the hero or heroine.  How do you handle the situation? How do you look? What do you say? How does your child react? How does it help your relationship with your child?

Visualize your new part and feel it in your bones. Practice your new lines. Next time you get this cue, take a deep breath and step into your new character. 

And if you try it and trip?  Adjust your scenario, visualize, and try again.  Practice makes perfect.  Why not write the story you long to live?  READ POST

"Dr. Laura, I appreciate all the emails about how to stay calm and inspired. I find they really help.  But what about those times when my kid does something really awful -- and deserves what's coming to him?! Won't he misinterpret it if I stay calm then? How do I teach him a lesson?" -- Claudine

Now, because we do a better job when we’re calm, rather than frazzled, I do talk a lot in my daily inspiration emails about how to manage our own moods and emotions. I tell parents that we need to take care of ourselves so we have something inside to give our kids.

But this letter made me realize a basic fact about human emotion.  When we’re right, and the other person is wrong – and let’s assume for a moment that in this case, this is a fact, not just our opinion --- we WANT to let the other person know that. If they blew it, did something awful, don’t they deserve what’s coming?  And if it’s our kid, it’s our job to teach them. Shouldn’t we be showing them how upset we are? How else will they learn their lesson?  

Well, let’s double click on this.  Maybe we should start by thinking about how people learn lessons. What happens when you really blow it?  Let’s say you get a parking ticket. Or somehow lose your credit card as I did this week.  Or forget something really important at work, that endangers your job.  Does it help when your spouse or boss yells at you?

If you're intent on punishing your child, you'll be interested to know that research shows kids don't behave better when they're yelled at or punished.  Like the rest of us, kids who feel threatened go into "fight" or "flight" mode. Learning shuts off. Eventually, if it becomes a regular occurrence, they develop new negative behaviors -- lying, sneakiness, tuning us out, disrespect. So when we yell at or punish kids, we don't prevent a recurrence of the behavior.  In fact, we lose influence with our child.

I'm not suggesting you just let your kid continue doing whatever is driving you crazy.  I'm suggesting you adopt a strategy that will actually change his behavior.  I know it isn't as satisfying as yelling when you're angry.  But long term, it's a lot more gratifying in every way.

So, (you guessed it!) start by calming yourself down.  Then:

1. Meet your child's deeper needs. All behavior comes from the attempt to meet basic needs. What's causing this problem behavior? Is it a need for more connection from us?  More control over his life?  More recognition?  A more orderly, peaceful home? Clear limits? More sleep?

2. Help your child develop a competing impulse. For instance, If she wants to clobber her little brother, strengthen their relationship so she feels more protective of him.  (And in the meantime, be aware that pediatricians say never to leave a child under the age of five alone with a little one.) If she lies to you, explain that every lie cuts a cord in her relationship to you.  (See how much more effective these strategies are than yelling?)

3. Help your child develop a new habit. If you want her to remember something, whether it's her jacket at a friend's house or brushing her teeth, adopt routines to insure she develops the habit.

4. Work with your child to find a win/win solution. This is where you get your own need met, for something to be different. Tell your child his action upset you and you want to work together to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's the recurring problems that most often push us to the breaking point, so it's worth solving them. And the only kind of solution that reliably lasts between humans is one that meets the needs of both people.  No, you're not giving in. You're not backing off your own need, remember?  You’re getting your own need met, AND teaching your child how to have a good relationship with another person – by finding win/win solutions.

5. Wait.  Most problem behavior, from dumping his milk on the floor to missing curfew, is age-appropriate.  You'll be pleased to know that by next year he'll have outgrown whatever problem behavior is driving you crazy -- and will have found several new ones!

It's fine to show our kids we’re upset, as long as we don't attack them.  But instead of modeling temper tantrums, we can model healthy emotional self-management.  Rather than railing against our kid, we take responsibility as the grown up.  We work with our kid to solve the problem. Yes, our kid learns lessons -- the most important ones!  That’s the kind of parenting all kids deserve.  READ POST

"Positive and negative reinforcement gets temporary compliance.  But what are kids actually learning? ...We rarely ask parents to consider how these techniques for changing behavior - you know, for getting kids to stop being rude or start using the potty, or whatever - might actually get in the way of our long-term goals, like wanting our children to grow into responsible, caring, happy people." -- Alfie Kohn  READ POST