Parenting Blog

“Although few parents purposely raise their children to lead lives of quiet desperation, the parent who raises her child without taking the time to know his heart may discover that she unwittingly led him straight down this path.” – Laura Ramirez

I shouldn’t have to remind my children to do what’s right. They should know by now.

Of course. But knowing what’s right and wanting to do what’s right are two different things.

My children should WANT do right. Their good intentions should win out over their darker impulses.

Of course. But do yours, always?  How long did it take you to WANT to do right? Do you ALWAYS do right?

But I’ve taught my children what’s right. Why can’t they do what I say?

Because for us humans to do right, our hearts need to WANT to.  That's the secret of free will -- it starts in the heart. The more unhappy your child’s heart, the more unhappy her behavior.

Why’s her heart so unhappy?  She knows I love her. What’s her problem?

Human hearts are 100% a product of our experiences in the world, which aren’t wholly positive, even for the luckiest person. Who among us feels 100% lovable, that we’re more than enough, exactly as we are?

How do I change my child’s heart, then?

By embracing your child and accepting him exactly as he is. Stop sending him the message that he has to change to be ok.  Once his heart stops struggling for a foothold, it can relax into love.  Humans who feel good about themselves WANT to do right.

I don’t have time for all this “heart” stuff. Why can’t my kid just behave?

Your kid can “just behave,” as soon as his heart can choose love. Your choice is to help that process, or hinder it. We don’t have to like the way humans are built, but like ignoring the laws of gravity, ignoring the way humans are put together doesn't give us the best results.

I think kids should just behave. 

As a parent, I often do too.  But as a mentor to my children, I want the best long-term result, not the best short-term result. That comes from going beyond the behavior to the heart. 

It shouldn’t be so hard to make my child change.

Actually, it’s impossible to make anyone except yourself change. But the minute you change, everyone around you changes.

This is a dark view of human behavior.  It means I can't control my child.

Actually, it's a supremely optimistic view.  True, you can never really control anyone -- those are the rules of engagement.  But there is no limit to your heart's ability to love your child, or anyone else.  The heart is the source of all miracles.

"Before we're 8 years old, we have almost no capacity to filter out information that comes to us. So if parents or teachers, people we count on to nurture us, say something hurtful to us before the age of eight...it goes in quite deep and we carry those misbeliefs with us. They profoundly affect our relationship to ourselves, to others...our sense of value in the world."  -- Dr. David Simon

What did you learn before you were eight?  That you're a capable person, worthy of adoring love and an abundant life, lovable exactly as you are, even with all of your messy imperfections, bodily functions, anger, fear, and neediness?  Or maybe that you somehow aren't lovable enough to have your needs completely met, that some of your feelings and body parts are shameful, that harsh words or even blows might rain down on you at any time?

I'm hoping the former.  But if you're like most of us, you learned some things before you were eight that no child should learn, that no adult should be carrying around as motivating beliefs. Most of us have long since driven those unbearable thoughts into the dark regions of half-memory, or tried to cover them with bravado, but that only increases their power, unfortunately. 

The good news is that you have the secret weapon to get rid of those untruths, and it doesn't take years of therapy.  Here's how:

1. Notice the places in your life where you're unhappy, stuck, worried.  What's the limiting belief?  (Hint: Regardless of the original situation, the bottom line is always that we aren't good enough or lovable enough, which will cause us to be abandoned and die.)

2. Feel that unbearable feeling.  Just stop, drop, and endure it for a couple of minutes. Breathe. Notice that while it would have been unbearable for a child, it's not unbearable now. 

3. Give yourself a new thought:  "I am more than enough, exactly as I am." Let that love sink into every cell of your body.

That's it.  Shining the light of awareness on our toxic beliefs -- by simply noticing them, tolerating the feelings, and correcting the limiting belief  -- makes them dry up and blow away.  Of course, messages we got before we were eight might take repeated sessions. 

Which is why I've been focusing so much lately on supporting you in speaking gently to your children.  Whether they're four or fourteen, your words have tremendous power with them.  What beliefs do you want your child carrying for the rest of his or her life? This is your chance to work miracles.

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen.  When they're finished, I climb out."  -- Erma Bombeck

So how did taking care of yourself go yesterday? Did you find a way to make yourself feel happier and less stressed?  (Work out? Take a walk?  Meditate? Pray?)  Can you do that again today? If you're having a hard time fitting this in, think of it as something you do so you can be a more inspired parent.

Today, notice what happens when your kid does something that makes you want to scream. When you get upset, doesn't it escalate the situation?  When you can stay calm, doesn't it settle things down? 

Maybe you're wondering how your child will learn not to do such things if you stay calm.  Research shows that when we get upset, our kids get more upset -- and the learning functions of their brains shut down. Kids learn best through a limit given empathically so that it lessens their upset, followed by a problem-solving discussion once they calm down.

And, of course, when kids act their worst it's because they're feeling their worst, which is when they most need our love and intervention.  Spanking, yelling, even timeouts don't give an upset kid what she needs to learn to manage herself.

So what can you do today when your kid makes you want to scream?  Take a deep breath and stay calm. Set a limit as empathically as you can. Connect with your child and help him calm down. Then talk with him about how he might handle such a situation in the future. ("I know you're mad, but we don't throw toys.  Let's sit together and calm down for a few minutes....hmmm...so you were really mad, huh?...hmmm...What could you do next time instead of throwing something?....do you think you could call me for help?")

You'll be amazed when your child starts participating in your "problem-solving" discussions, and even more amazed when she starts using the solutions you come up with, even when she's upset.  Before you know it, your child won't make you feel like screaming.  How's that for creating a miracle?

"The achievement of your goal is assured the moment you commit yourself to it." -- Mack R. Douglas

"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there."-- Bo Jackson

"It is possible to act a little nicer than you feel, but not much." -- Nancy Samalin

Next time your kid is pushing your buttons and driving you crazy, try committing yourself.  No, not to a mental institution.  To being a parent who doesn't yell.

Research shows that when we consciously, verbally "commit" ourselves to a course of action we're likely to achieve it, especially if we work at it daily.  By contrast, simply "wishing" something would be different, or even "regretting" things we've done, doesn't usually change a thing.

So if you want to be a parent who doesn't yell, start today.  Commit yourself.  And then watch how resourceful you become in meeting your goal.

Step One? Notice that by the time you're losing it, not yelling is only possible if you bite your tongue so hard you give yourself a piercing.  That's not what I recommend.  You can't act much nicer than you feel.  So after you commit yourself, the first step in becoming a parent who doesn't yell is taking care of yourself. 

What can you do to take care of yourself today, so you feel happier and less stressed?  Can you do it right now? If not now, when?

You may know that the Federal Trade Commission recently changed the rules governing blogs, as well as Facebook and Twitter. Beginning December 1, bloggers must disclose paid posts, sponsored posts and items received for free.  As a former journalist, I think these new regs are a great idea.

It's probably obvious from looking at my site, but my mission is to help moms and dads become more inspired parents -- and happier people -- which is what helps parents raise responsible, considerate, happy children.  Aha Parenting is a gift to parents, designed to support them in transforming their relationships with their children.  Does it need to pay for itself, cover costs and my time?  Yes, but so far the revenue doesn't cover costs -- although I remain hopeful!   But I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I never accept paid or sponsored blog posts. Other than guest posts, every word on my site is written by me because I believe it will help kids and parents.

I also never run a guest post with which I don't agree.  Readers who disagree with me are welcome to write me letters. The guest posts are from the authors I interview on my radio show, so my readers can determine whether they want to listen to that show.  I should add that while I don't accept products, I do sometimes receive a review copy of a book so that I can prepare for my radio show, but most of the time, I already own and love a book before I contact the author for an interview. If I do receive a book I don't love, I simply decline to interview that author. Your time and trust are of great value, and I am honored to be part of your parenting journey.  It would negate my entire life mission to betray your trust by writing about a product because I received material gain from it.

Why does parenting matter so much to me? Because transforming parenting from control to loving relationships will help more children grow up to be compassionate, responsible, well-adjusted human beings.  Ultimately, whether things change for the better in our world will depend on the quality of the human beings we are creating, every day, in our families. Everything – even, perhaps, whether our planet survives – depends on how we shape the next generation or two of human beings. In a very real way, the future of the world rests on the shoulders of parents.

Aha! Parenting: Making the world a better place….one family at a time.