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This is Part 4 in our series on Nurturing Yourself while Raising Your Child.
"The only way to help our child is to do the work
ourselves. Our child needs a guide through the tsunami." – Leslie
Potter, Purejoy Parenting
Life has a way of doling out lessons that we didn't ask for, but that help
us develop more wholeness. When we resist those lessons, they
land in our lap again in exaggerated form, until we finally tackle them. READ POST
"I'm struggling with my own inability to be
present and show empathy to my young children when they are
having
meltdowns. I want to be able to do this. I know this is the
right thing
to do. But when the meltdowns start, something in me shifts
and all my
good intentions fly out the window and I just want to get
away from
them. I'm not sure how to change this behaviour because it
seems so
deep-rooted in me."
Who hasn't had a hard time with this? I know that when my
child starts to lose it, something in me wants to scream "No!"
READ POST
"When we act with
love, trying to
understand the other person, it is easy, natural to have
more patience." -- Alice
Uchida
Sometimes we have a hard day. We have an interaction with
our child that leaves wounds.
Or we find ourselves in an escalating cycle with our child,
where we see everything she does through a negative lens.
How can we recover, heal, repair the relationship, move back
into a positive cycle? READ POST
“If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.” --
Dr. Haim Ginott
Kids have antenna. Whenever you lower your voice to speak to someone
else, their ears perk up. And if they hear their name, their attention
is riveted.
Kids know we say things to them for effect, whether positive or
negative. Their defenses go up and they may not trust our intentions.
Are they being manipulated?
But when they hear us saying nice things about them to someone else,
there's no filter. They assume it's true. And they live up (or down)
to what they hear.
Any specific traits you want to encourage? Say nice things about how
your child is developing those traits, not to him but within his
hearing. Recognize any progress at all in the right direction.
"He's so determined when he works on a project. He takes a break and then keeps coming back to it."
"She's getting to be so good with her little brother. You should have seen how patient she was when...."
"You won't believe what a great reader he's becoming. He spends more and more time reading these days."
"She's a whiz with numbers."
"He's growing up and becoming so responsible. He barely needs to be reminded to..."
"She's so helpful and considerate. Why just today, she...." READ POST
"Dr. Laura -- I came across your website a month ago
and have been trying to follow the advice in your emails. I am amazed
at the difference in my son in just this short time. Mostly, I try to
just stop when I get upset and see things from his point of view. Thank
you for helping us stay on track!" -- Madeline
READ POST
"Imagine that your children's behavior is a coded message.
To break the code, translate what they are doing into a sentence that
starts with "I need__________" or "I feel _______." Fill in the blank,
and then respond to that need or feeling, not the behavior." -- Dr.
Larry Cohen
Sometimes we all make choices that make us feel bad about
ourselves. Whether it's more cake, that comment to our spouse, sleeping
through the alarm clock, or yelling at our kid, we know better but do it anyway. Why? We're driven by
some unmet need or unaddressed feeling. If we can fill that need or
resolve that feeling, we can change our behavior.
Your child is no different. Punishing him for acting on his
unmet needs or turbulent feelings only gets temporary obedience, if
that. Addressing the need or feeling eliminates the source of the
misbehavior and allows your child to make choices that make him feel
good about himself. How?
To cranky toddler: "Nothing seems to be going right for you
this morning after we stayed up
so late last night....I think we need an early nap so you
can get rid
of your crankiness and enjoy your afternoon."
To angry four year old: "You're yelling and very upset....I
can hold this pillow for you to hit....I will stay with you while you
let out all your angry and sad feelings....it's ok....everybody needs to
cry sometimes..."
To whining seven year old: "You've been trying to get my
attention all day....I'm closing my computer. You have my undivided
attention for twenty minutes. What should we do?"
To
moping nine year old: "You
seem sad and bored to me. I miss our special times together,
since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. When the
little ones
nap today, let's have special time for just you and me."
To anxious twelve year old: "You're having a hard time
falling asleep at night now, aren't you? That often happens with kids
your age. There's a lot going on --- your body changing, your
friendships shifting, school getting harder. Even I must seem different
-- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid
who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down
with you for a bit at bedtime so we can chat for awhile?"
To disrespectful fourteen
year old: "I notice you're snapping at
me lately.... you know we don't talk to each other that way in this
house....it's not like you to be disrespectful....I'm wondering if this
is because you've been wanting more independence and I've been saying no
to things you want to do....come sit with me on the couch and let me
rub your shoulders....Let's talk about how you can have the independence
you want and I can still trust that you're safe."
Watch for unmet needs like sleep, connection and autonomy.
Feelings that need to vent include anger, usually with sadness or fear
right behind it. You don't have to be a detective or a therapist. Just
give your child the benefit of the doubt when he misbehaves, the chance
to express himself, and the miracle of your attention. I guarantee a happier, more cooperative child. READ POST
"Before we're 8 years old, we have almost no capacity to filter out information that comes to us. So if parents or teachers, people we count on to nurture us,
say something hurtful to us before the age of eight...it goes in quite
deep and we carry those misbeliefs with us. They profoundly affect our
relationship to ourselves, to others...our sense of value in the
world." -- Dr. David Simon
READ POST




Comments
Sometimes the advice is hard to handle. Really, what fun is there in examining all the not-so-pretty aspects of your behavior? However, the end result makes up for the uncomfortable muck that needs taking care of. Thank You!