Parenting Blog

“Before the plane takes off, the pilots have a flight plan…but during the course of the flight, wind, rain, turbulence, air traffic, human error, and other factors act on that plane…90% of the time the plane is not even on the prescribed flight path...During the flight, the pilots make constant adjustments to get back on track. The flight of that airplane is the perfect metaphor for family life…it doesn’t make any difference if we are off target or even if our family is a mess. The hope lies in the vision and in the plan and in the courage to keep coming back time and time again.” – Stephen Covey

You may have noticed that you aren’t perfect. That sometimes you aren’t the parent or the person you want to be. Welcome to humanity.  Sometimes you blow it.  We all do.

The bad news is that even if we’re committed to showing up with love for ourselves and others, life happens. We get disconnected -- from our spouse, our child, our own deepest guidance. There’s no magic that keeps us on the right path. In fact, all relationships are a constant series of connections and disconnections, missteps and course corrections.

The good news is that the journey of our life is woven from the individual steps we take every single day. The faster we notice those actions that are taking us in the wrong direction, the easier it is to course correct.

The even better news is that our sincere course corrections actually strengthen our relationships. Every time you re-connect with your baby or child, you teach trust. Every time you choose love over anger, you role model forgiving yourself and others. Every time you reach across a divide between you and your loved one, you testify to the boundlessness of your love, your commitment that "There ain't no river wide enough" to keep your love from getting through.

So don't worry about having been on the wrong path. Start where you are, and course correct. How?

1. When you make a mistake. Join the club! Greet it as an opportunity to learn and change, rather than beat yourself up. You'll find it's a lot easier to stick to your plan to do better when you let go of the tears and recriminations and focus instead on forgiving yourself. Like our kids, we do better when we feel better.

2. When you don't know how to get through to your kid.  Consider that he may be feeling disconnected from you. That's often the source of kids' misbehavior.  Before you worry about correcting his behavior, find a way to reconnect.  Appreciate something very specific about his behavior. Do something nice for him. Play with him, focusing all your attention. Seize every chance to snuggle, listen and empathize.

3. When you need to help your child course correct.  It's completely possible to deepen your connection with your child while helping her course-correct.  In fact, that's what inspired parenting is all about.  Misbehavior is your child's way of signaling that she needs your help. That's why conventional discipline doesn't produce emotionally healthy kids who are naturally considerate and responsible -- because it weakens the parent-child bond. The secret? Set all limits with empathy.

4. When you don't like the path you're on. There's no reason to keep going in a direction that's taking you away from your desired destination. Luckily, when we change, the world around us somehow transforms too. Start by making sure your cup is full, so you have the inner resources to show up as your best self. Then, whenever you notice a misstep, just stop.  Breathe, say thank you for the awareness, and change course. Two steps forward and one step back still takes you where you want to go.  Pretty soon, you'll find yourself in a whole new landscape.

"Imagine that your children's behavior is a coded message. To break the code, translate what they are doing into a sentence that starts with "I need__________" or "I feel _______."  Fill in the blank, and then respond to that need or feeling, not the behavior." -- Dr. Larry Cohen
 
Sometimes we all make choices that make us feel bad about ourselves. Whether it's more cake, that comment to our spouse, sleeping through the alarm clock, or yelling at our kid, we know better but do it anyway.  Why?  We're driven by some unmet need or unaddressed feeling. If we can fill that need or resolve that feeling, we can change our behavior.

Your child is no different. Punishing him for acting on his unmet needs or turbulent feelings only gets temporary obedience, if that.  Addressing the need or feeling eliminates the source of the misbehavior and allows your child to make choices that make him feel good about himself. How?

To cranky toddler:  "Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning after we stayed up so late last night....I think we need an early nap so you can get rid of your crankiness and enjoy your afternoon."

To angry four year old: "You're yelling and very upset....I can hold this pillow for you to hit....I will stay with you while you let out all your angry and sad feelings....it's ok....everybody needs to cry sometimes..."

To whining seven year old: "You've been trying to get my attention all day....I'm closing my computer.  You have my undivided attention for twenty minutes. What should we do?"

To moping nine year old: "You seem sad and bored to me. I miss our special times together, since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. When the little ones nap today, let's have special time for just you and me."

To anxious twelve year old: "You're having a hard time falling asleep at night now, aren't you? That often happens with kids your age.  There's a lot going on --- your body changing, your friendships shifting, school getting harder.  Even I must seem different -- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down with you for a bit at bedtime so we can chat for awhile?"

To disrespectful fourteen year old: "I notice you're snapping at me lately.... you know we don't talk to each other that way in this house....it's not like you to be disrespectful....I'm wondering if this is because you've been wanting more independence and I've been saying no to things you want to do....come sit with me on the couch and let me rub your shoulders....Let's talk about how you can have the independence you want and I can still trust that you're safe."

Watch for unmet needs like sleep, connection and autonomy.  Feelings that need to vent include anger, usually with sadness or fear right behind it. You don't have to be a detective or a therapist.  Just give your child the benefit of the doubt when he misbehaves, the chance to express himself, and the miracle of your attention.  I guarantee a happier, more cooperative child.

"Last night I had one of those difficult nights where ...my anger and exhaustion were just as raw as my 3 year old's... I was sifting through my mind...something that I could say or do to stop the course of events or change the negative feeling ...finally it came to me from one of your daily inspirations ……that I could just give him an out and promise to do better and above all I wanted him to know I loved him.... I said, “It has been such a tough day and I think you need a hug” I picked him up and he clung to me like a monkey in that dark room and squeezed his body close to me so much that it took my breath away and all my anger just melted. Even though I had raised my voice and we both had said hurtful things to each other ---in the end it is just about trust and love. I said “I’m so sorry I yelled at you and you have been upset. It has been a tough night for you and for mommy and it is OK ….sometimes all of us can have good days and tough days and today was a tough day wasn’t it?  Tomorrow we will have a better day, OK?”  He nodded against me and I told him that I loved him and we continued onto our evening song and connectedness rituals that I love, like we had never had such a disastrous evening." -- Kristina

We've all had those moments with our child.  When our own feelings are so raw, our frustration so intense, our cup so empty, we stop caring for the moment about what our child needs and just lash out.

Later, we're often overcome with remorse.  But in that moment, with the tidal wave of our emotions washing over us, what can we possibly do to save the situation?

The answer is that if we can feel the slightest glimmer of desire to turn things around, we can grab it. We don't even have to know how.  We can just choose love. We can always find a way to reach out to our child and reconnect. We can always find a way to heal things, even when we're on a cycle of negativity that's gone too far.

When things have gone too far, just stop. 

1.Breathe. 

2. Stop berating yourself for letting things get out of control.  Hug your imperfect self.

3. Reach out for your child.

In the end, it is always about love.

"What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens." -- Thaddeus Golas

Today we're wrapping up our exploration of 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person -- in 2010.  The 10th commitment:

Keep Perspective.

I know, it's easier said than done. It's simply impossible to see the larger landscape when we're down in the swamps. And every parents finds him or herself in the swamp sometimes.

But if we can just step back, we realize that things are actually hopeful. Start with the fact that you have this child, while there are people all over the world yearning for a child -- or, worse yet, for one they've lost. Notice how you've been transformed into a more loving, patient, responsible, joyful person just by being their parent.  Then consider the sheer joy and aliveness your child brings into your life.

Parents have always wondered how such immature creatures could grow up right.  As Socrates said,"Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers." But kids have an uncanny way of surviving all odds and coming out ok, most of the time. As long as you and your child are both alive, it's never too late to heal and grow together.

How can you remember all this when you're in the swamp?

1. Resolve to use every upset as a trigger, a reminder to shift gears. Repeat a mantra that reminds you of what's important, breathe deeply to calm yourself, or just take a timeout to calm down.  In the beginning, you'll be interrupting your tantrum mid-yell. That's ok.  Stop and leave the room. Soon you'll be able to course correct before you open your mouth.
 
2. Find sustainable ways to stay centered.  Exercise, meditation, writing in a journal -- whatever works for you. Do it every day, like brushing your teeth, and for the same reason (It keeps you healthy. And without it, the world doesn't see the best of you.)

3. Consciously wean yourself off stress and delete it from your life.  Stress is not necessary; it's an addiction.  Miserable for your family, shortens your life, makes you fat, and it's impossible to be an inspired parent when you're stressed.

4. Fake it till you make it. Research shows that when we smile, our mood improves. When we speak in a loving voice, we begin to feel more tender. Our child responds to our patience with affection, and before we know it, we're out of the swamp.

5. Remember that it's all small stuff. In the long run, only love matters.

Sure, your kids will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no prefect families.  But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives.

The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction.  It's not magic, just the hard work of course correction to stay on the right path.  But if you look for it, you can always find trailmarks and support to beckon you onward to a more rewarding life. 

Just keep taking positive steps. Before you know it, you'll find your self in a whole new landscape.

"Before we're 8 years old, we have almost no capacity to filter out information that comes to us. So if parents or teachers, people we count on to nurture us, say something hurtful to us before the age of eight...it goes in quite deep and we carry those misbeliefs with us. They profoundly affect our relationship to ourselves, to others...our sense of value in the world."  -- Dr. David Simon

What did you learn before you were eight?  That you're a capable person, worthy of adoring love and an abundant life, lovable exactly as you are, even with all of your messy imperfections, bodily functions, anger, fear, and neediness?  Or maybe that you somehow aren't lovable enough to have your needs completely met, that some of your feelings and body parts are shameful, that harsh words or even blows might rain down on you at any time?

I'm hoping the former.  But if you're like most of us, you learned some things before you were eight that no child should learn, that no adult should be carrying around as motivating beliefs. Most of us have long since driven those unbearable thoughts into the dark regions of half-memory, or tried to cover them with bravado, but that only increases their power, unfortunately. 

The good news is that you have the secret weapon to get rid of those untruths, and it doesn't take years of therapy.  Here's how:

1. Notice the places in your life where you're unhappy, stuck, worried.  What's the limiting belief?  (Hint: Regardless of the original situation, the bottom line is always that we aren't good enough or lovable enough, which will cause us to be abandoned and die.)

2. Feel that unbearable feeling.  Just stop, drop, and endure it for a couple of minutes. Breathe. Notice that while it would have been unbearable for a child, it's not unbearable now. 

3. Give yourself a new thought:  "I am more than enough, exactly as I am." Let that love sink into every cell of your body.

That's it.  Shining the light of awareness on our toxic beliefs -- by simply noticing them, tolerating the feelings, and correcting the limiting belief  -- makes them dry up and blow away.  Of course, messages we got before we were eight might take repeated sessions. 

Which is why I've been focusing so much lately on supporting you in speaking gently to your children.  Whether they're four or fourteen, your words have tremendous power with them.  What beliefs do you want your child carrying for the rest of his or her life? This is your chance to work miracles.