Parenting Blog

I love this approach, but how do I use it with young toddlers? I watch three toddlers at home between the ages of 16-22 months and of course they fight. Specifically... My 17 month old has started hitting others a lot and I don't know how to stop her.
She can't express her feelings yet, but sometimes I know it's just because someone has a toy she wants. Or she will steal their toys and then cry and hit them when I give the other child back the toy. (Although I have found that if I ask her to give it back,
she usually does and we avoid a tantrum.) We do a lot of, "_____ has that toy. ______ has this toy." Or... "It's _____ turn to play with it. It will be your turn next." But I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand turns yet. I have taught her to take deep breaths
when she's upset. This works wonders and I've seen her do it BEFORE blowing up once or twice. But... I can't just let her hit other children (or myself or DH). Especially since they are in my care. What do I do? Basically, how do you start to teach a one year
old self-control? Thanks!

Spot on advice, Laura! It often helps me to think about agendas. The times when we're most tempted to resort to force are those times when we are placing our agenda ahead of that of our child. Often, if we can step back we realize that we're only insisting
on our agenda out of force of habit and can let it go. Other times, however, our agenda must take precedence and in that case we owe it to our kids to help them understand why this is one of those times. Thank you!

I think saying "And you'll never find yourself reaching for force again" is misleading and dodging the real issue somewhat. The reality is that even those of us who are highly trained in these techniques find ourselves bumping up against the desire to
use force over and over again. Why? Because it's almost impossible in today's world to get enough support to be the fully resourced people we want to be, and also because parenting is very hard -- it's very hard to interact with people who disregard you over
and over, and who trigger your own childhood issues, all while you're sleep deprived and haven't had your body to yourself or even your self-autonomy supported in a while. That's the reality that most parents face, with varying levels of success at addressing
it. We need real tools for the bad times that will inevitably come (both for us and our children), not just statements that if we do everything right we won't experience the bad stuff. I am a therapist who has specialized, in part, in play therapy for children,
and I experience bad times. My colleagues, all sensitive, empathic, intelligent people who are highly trained in empathic limit setting and creativity and relationship-building, all experience bad times. Knowledge is not the panacea here. Knowing the rules
of parenting is not enough. Any good parenting advice needs to really, really acknowledge the dark, hard sides. Otherwise, you're not giving people real tools. I try to carry this passage from Pema Chodron around in my pocket: "So when you're like a keg of
dynamite just about to go off, patience means just slowing down at that point -just pausing- instead of immediately acting on your usual, habitual response. You refrain from acting, you stop talking to yourself, and then you connect with the soft spot. But
at the same time you are completely and totally honest with yourself about what you are feeling. You're not suppressing anything; patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself.
If you wait and don't fuel the rage with your thoughts, you can be very honest about the fact that you long for revenge; nevertheless, you keep interrupting the torturous story line and stay with the underlying vulnerability. That frustration, that uneasiness
and vulnerability is nothing solid. And yet it is painful to experience. Still, just wait and be patient with your anguish and with the discomfort of it. This means relaxing with that restless, hot energy- knowing it's the only way to find peace for ourselves
or the world." I find that the advice to "connect with the vulnerability", the "soft spot" underneath my anger/force is advice that works much better in a difficult parenting situation than advice to "follow these rules, and you won't have those feelings or
urges." I think it is modeling that works much better for my child, too. I don't know the answer to the above question. I have two high-spirited boys who frequently put me in situations where I have to enforce their cooperation -- either to keep things safe
or to enable overall family sanity. And then there are the times at the end of the day, when I'm exhausted and have parented perfectly all day, and none of it is having any effect, and forcing their cooperation is better than losing my temper. And then there
are the times where I *do* lose my temper. And all of that, *all* of that, is part of successful parenting, in my book. It's part of negotiation of the family dance, the relationships, learning the effects we have on others and how to repair and start over,
and how to be compassionate with ourselves and the ones we love. The key is to be willing to repair after a rupture, and to connect with the soft spot at the difficult times. That's much more practical than imagining that we can follow the rules all the time
and have a parenting experience where we never feel the urge or have the need to use force. ALL that said, I think your website is lovely, and you express this philosophy of parenting in a common-sense, available, inspiring manner. I'm sure you're helping
a lot of people, and I will use some of what you've written to help keep me on track. And I agree with you! Mostly. All best, April

Dr. Laura, We've been having a really hard time behaviorally with my son lately, (age 3 years, 4 months,) and I really appreciate this post. I've begun a program of radical reconnection this week, trying to eschew all things household and otherwise that
are not completely necessary when the children are awake so I can focus on them. One thing that has really been bothering me however that I'd love to see you address in a post is the role developmental stages play in a child's behavior. To say that I'm feeling
overwhelmed with the idea that all of my child's actions are a result of me and my parenting is an understatement. Also, so many of my friends have three-year-olds, and it seems so many of those three-year- olds are concurrently losing their minds- being defiant,
destructive, and ignoring, like mine is. There just seems to be too much of a correlation, that we can't all simultaneously be poor parents, and that's what's causing it. What's the science on the role developmental stages play, where is the parents' responsibility,
and what can we do to mitigate them? Thank you, Kerry

Thanks for providing such a clear and practical example of how to set limits. This is a life changing post for those of us searching for humane and empowering ways to relate to our children. Amazing.

Thank you for setting a REAL example of how to set firm limits and honor your child's emotions. I read parenting advice scenerios that too often include way too much parent talk that quickly and easily results in the child happily complying "OK, Mommy!"
(um, yea, that NEVER happens). Your example included howling and wailing. Now THAT'S real life and real advice I can use! So refreshing! THANK YOU!

I also appreciate practical examples such as this, but how can you address this situation if you have a newborn as well? At home it's easier because there are more places to safely set down the baby, but what if you can't put the baby down or the baby
needs you too?

Yes, you have hit on the problem with responsive parenting. It's very hard to do with two young children. At home, you're right, it's much easier. If the newborn can happily sit in the stroller while you tend to your other child, you're set. But it's impossible
to be physically close to a thrashing toddler while your newborn is in a sling on your body. AND YET, you are more likely to see behavior like this from your older child precisely when you have a newborn, because your older child really needs a chance to cry.

So hopefully you are doing preventive maintenance in the form of special time with your older child every day so she gets most of her crying and contrariness out then. And hopefully if you have been setting limits this way forever, your toddler knows it and
takes your limits seriously and tests them less, which is a wonderful result of this kind of parenting.


And if despite your best efforts, your toddler has a meltdown while you have nowhere to set your newborn down, you can usually stay at a close distance and keep a bridge to your child with your voice. But this is why we need a village, and parents need more
support!!