Parenting Blog

"But what do I do when they jump all over and get too wild?  Last week they broke the lamp and there was glass all over.  I was yelling like a crazy woman.  I don't know which scared them more -- me or the glass." - Camille

"If our kids have become bothersome speed bumps, we need to wake up and pull off the road before we really hurt somebody." -- Scott Cooper

Many parents try so hard to be patient that they let things get out of hand. Then they snap.  Next thing you know, you're yelling and threatening, casting about for an appropriate punishment to teach a lesson.  That's not the emotional regulation you want to model.  And since it sends your child into fight or flight, it doesn't help him learn.  READ POST

"I'd love to be able to parent this way but unfortunately my children have always been very strong willed and even though there is a part of them that wants to do the right thing, the part that wants to have the most fun generally wins out. How do you discipline them without resorting to traditional forms of punishment?"

Discipline means to guide.  Punishment means to persuade with unpleasant or painful consequences. So to guide kids without resorting to traditional forms of punishment, you simply offer guidance, while resisting the urge to punish.  And you parent in such a way that your child WANTS to follow your guidance, so the part of him that wants to do the right thing wins out.  READ POST

"Since I have found your daily posts, I am more patient with my children and I can see that they are happier and better behaved. Does being an alpha dog mean I need to be more strict again?" - Karen

"The example discussing "dominance," "leadership," and "alpha" are all concepts that are considered out-dated, made obsolete by further scientific investigation of behavior both in domestic dogs and in wolves." - Christie Circle

Yesterday's post on the need for parents to be leaders in their homes turned out to be controversial, because the whole concept of the "alpha dog" is apparently so loaded.  Just to be clear, I did not use the words "dominance" or "strict" in the post.  The quote referred to the "alpha dog" taking care of and protecting to create a sense of safety.  READ POST

"Dr. Laura, I appreciate all the posts about how to stay calm. They really help.  But what about those times when my kid does something really awful -- and deserves what's coming to him?! Won't he misinterpret it if I stay calm then? How do I teach him a lesson?" -- Claudine

Because we're better parents when we’re calm, my daily inspiration emails lately have focused on mindfulness -- noticing our own moods and emotions, so we have a choice about whether to act on them.

Here's the thing to remember about that choice.  We have to Choose to calm ourselves.  Just like our child has to choose to "act right" when everything in him wants to act "wrong." And it's just as hard.

Claudine is describing how tough it is to choose to give our child what he needs, over giving him what we think he "deserves." But if we're honest, that "giving him what he's got coming" smacks of revenge, not teaching.  READ POST

“The things that piss you off about your kids are the things you haven’t learned to love and embrace about yourself.  Once you heal that part of you and accept it, your kids change – or their behavior no longer bothers you. The universe is constantly reflecting back to us where we have the opportunity to grow, learn more, love more.“ -- James Ray

When our kids push our buttons, it's always a growth opportunity.  Does that mean you let your kids get away with bad behavior?  Of course not. You set limits.  But if you can use the opportunity to notice and heal your own issues, you'll find your limits are a lot more effective in changing your child's behavior.  Why?  READ POST

"Can you give tips on how to stay connected when you feel irritable? There's no yelling going on, but I'm not as respectful as I think I should be." - Katherine

We all have bad days.   As long as you catch yourself, apologize, and don't have them too often, the humans who love you will forgive you.  In fact, the way you handle those small relationship ruptures will teach your child some important lessons about life and love.  READ POST

"If you're upset, it is the wrong thing to say or do and will only aggravate the situation. It is not what you want to say.  It does not represent your true intention and is therefore inauthentic.  The proof to this inauthenticity is that later you regret your words and actions and they build walls between you and your child." -- Naomi Aldort

When we're angry at our children, most of us burst out with comments we would never say if we were calm.  Later, we're remorseful.  We apologize. But kids react to our yelling by putting another brick in the wall between us, and dismantling that wall isn't easy.  

Or, we justify having yelled: "There's just no other way to get through to that kid." (That reinforces the wall.)  READ POST