"How much more love and affection can I give him? .... Because once you pee on your brother, you've gone too far, and we have to fix this now."
What's a parent to do when a child acts out in a big way? In a recent post, we evaluated some options: spanking, time-out, sticker charts. Bottom line, they're unlikely to be effective, because they don't get to the root of the behavior. We can assume the toddler is showing his baby brother who's boss because he's feeling major jealousy. Punishing him will just reinforce the sibling rivalry, because it convinces him that he really has lost you.
Then, in our last post, we talked about how connecting differently with your child can turn a situation like this around. Instead of punishing, nip this behavior in the bud by focusing on prevention. Refill your child’s love tank and give her an emotional tune-up on a daily basis, so you don’t end up in the breakdown lane. Hard, yes--but it works. When you connect with your child in the way she needs, most of the time her behavior improves dramatically.
But what if it doesn't? "Just how much more love and attention can I give him?" I call this the leaky cup syndrome. The answer is, if you're really giving him all the love and attention you can, and it isn't changing his behavior, it's because you aren't healing the feelings driving the behavior. READ POST
Laura....I just want to give my kids a better start in life than I
had. How can I make sure they're self-disciplined but happy?" - Katie
All of us want to raise children who become self-disciplined -- and happy -- adults. The only question is how best to do that. Luckily, we know the answer. Research studies have been following children from babyhood to adulthood for decades, so we actually know what works to raise great kids. Here are the five most important things we know.
1. Children need a secure attachment with at least one loving adult. Parents facilitate this secure attachment in the first year by listening to their unique baby and responding to her needs. They continue to nurture secure attachment by accepting the full range of who their child is -- including all that messy neediness and anger -- into the toddler years and beyond. Parents who are unable to tolerate the child's neediness, controlling (rather than accepting the child as he is), intrusive (rather than taking the child's cues), or otherwise reacting out of their own needs rather than responding to their child's needs are less likely to raise a securely attached child. READ POST
don't understand how to even begin to validate our very strong willed
2.5 son when he is screaming at me from inside the van and won't get in
his seat so we can get his big sister from school and the 6 month old is
there as well..." - Anita
In my last post, When You Just Don't Have Time for That Meltdown, I pointed out that Preventive Maintenance can help you avoid meltdowns at those inconvenient times, like when you're trying to get your kids in the car to go somewhere. What's preventive maintenance?
Well, what happens to your car if you don't fill it with gas, change the oil, and give it a regular tune up? It ends up in the breakdown lane. Life with children isn't so different. Unfortunately, parents aren't given a preventive maintenance plan for their children. But if you don't refill your child's love tank, roughhouse with him daily so he gets some good giggling in, and give him regular one-on-one time, you can count on more breakdown time. Especially if there's a relatively new baby in the family, or if you're transitioning from conventional parenting to gentle parenting and your child has some old stuffed emotions to process. READ POST
"How would you handle a situation when
you have to leave the park to go get your other two children and
unfortunately can't sit on the bench for thirty minutes while she
cries?" - Sandra
In our last post about setting limits with empathy, the three year old was upset about leaving the park, so the parent supported her through her disappointment, which involved tears and anger on the park bench. But that's not always an option. What do you do then? READ POST
"Isn't there a time and a place for a parent to just plain 'be in charge'? So often, and especially now, with this new approach, she pretty much does whatever she wants...I don't want my child to be an uncontrollable brat." - Amber
Often, parents get confused about peaceful parenting. They think that if they stop punishing, their child will do whatever she wants. But that assumes there are only two choices -- being permissive or punitive. What about holding to your expectations while at the same time offering your child support and understanding?
Let's say you tell your child that it's time for bed, and she ignores you or says NO! What are your choices? READ POST
"I read Dr. Laura every day and I can actually feel my brain being rewired. I sense myself making continual progress towards the mother I want to be. I'm learning to love myself unconditionally along the way, too." – MaMammalia
"The main difference between a master and a beginner is that the master practices more." -- Yasha Heifetz, Master Violinist
You've probably noticed that things work better with your child when you're in a good mood. At least half of the time when we get irritated, impatient, or frustrated with our kids, it's because we're already feeling unhappy. Then there's a spark, our bad mood flares, and before we know it we're in the middle of a firestorm. That's why noticing your own mood as you go through your day, and re-centering yourself when you're out of sorts, transforms your parenting. READ POST
"Sending children away to get control
of their anger perpetuates the feeling of 'badness" inside
them...Chances are they were already feeling not very good about
themselves before the outburst and the isolation just serves to confirm
in their own minds that they were right." -- Otto Weininger,Ph.D.
When our kids get angry, it pushes buttons for most of us. We want to be loving parents. Why is our child lashing out like this? READ POST