Parenting Blog

"Odd as it may seem, children who hit are children who are afraid. The fears that cause trouble for a child who hits usually have their roots in some frightening experience earlier in her life, even though she may not seem frightened at all. To manage her fear, the frightened child develops aggressive behavior that flares any time she feels tense. Instead of crying or saying she feels scared when her fears are triggered, she tightens up, can’t ask for help, and lashes out." -- Patty Wipfler

Most of us feel mortified when our child hits another child. We may know intellectually that he's lashing out because he's overwhelmed or scared, but we still feel like it's an emergency. His aggression triggers our "fight or flight" response -- and suddenly our own child looks like the enemy. We feel an urgent need to take action. Punishing action.  READ POST

"I find I’m already 10 steps into reacting and I’ve headed down the “traditional” path with whatever issue is at hand with my kids. When I can remain calm, it certainly helps the situation as opposed to when I get heated up and emotional, which only makes things worse. It makes me sad to know that until now, I have not been a good example of emotional regulation at all.  And it's so disheartening to see my kids doing things that I know they saw us do.....throw something, slam a door...."

Sounds familiar, right?  Regulating our emotions is at the heart of our ability to parent the way we’d like. In fact, it’s at the heart of most of the ways we trip ourselves up, from over-eating to procrastinating to fighting with our spouse.  READ POST

"Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity - a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother."  -- Rose Kennedy

Most parents take their job as teachers very seriously.  We teach our kids colors.  ABCs.  Sharing.  Right from wrong.

But sometimes we don't even notice a much more important lesson we're imparting to our children: how to manage their feelings, and therefore their behavior. This is the basis of emotional intelligence (EQ), which will determine their quality of life much more fundamentally than their IQ.  READ POST

"Today I stepped outside to clean up some toys while my kids were eating. My 2 year old ran to the back door and cried out for me. My 4 year old didn't like his screaming and ran over and punched him several times. My 2 year old got so upset he threw up his whole lunch all over me. My 4 year old confessed "Mom, I did a bad thing...I punched S because he was crying and it made me mad." I have been getting very upset, sternly asking my 4 year old "Why do you want to hurt your brother?...I'm very disappointed in you and sad about this."  I typically do 4 minutes timeout and an apology for the bad behavior, then be nice to your brother for 3 days and then you get a superhero movie. Is this wrong?"

Is it a bad thing to use rewards and punishment?  Well, it doesn't actually work as well as emotion coaching and empathic limits to stop your son's hitting, and it doesn't teach the lessons you want to teach. The research says that if your son does stop hitting, it won't be because he has learned that hitting hurts his brother, but because he doesn't want to be punished. Of course, most parents would be willing to accept this, just to stop the hitting. But most kids just keep hitting, because the rewards and punishment don't help them with the underlying feelings or teach them a better way to solve the problem that caused the hitting. They just get sneakier, stop confessing, and start blaming. And it doesn't sound like your rewards and punishment are working, if he's still punching his brother to the point where his brother throws up.  READ POST

"I love your posts, but my husband is afraid that if we allow our kids to get upset as you suggest, they'll never learn to control their emotions. Don't we need to just say No sometimes?" - Rachel

All of us worry about our kids learning to control their emotions. After all, it's emotions that so often get us off track and into trouble.  And of course we need to just say No sometimes. Kids can't run into the street, throw their food at each other, or pee on their baby brother. But setting limits on children's behavior doesn't mean we need to set limits on what they feel.  READ POST

"Hey, Mom, Dad, I'm overwhelmed with some big feelings here....I don't know what to do with them...They're bubbling up inside me and I feel so scared and sad and mad...I'll do anything to make these feelings go away, including hit someone...No, don't you come close offering me hugs...that would send me right into tears...I can't bear all that sadness...It must be your fault I'm feeling all these bad feelings....I'll drive you away by any means necessary!"

Don't you wish your child could just TELL you he's feeling this way, instead of screaming "I hate you, you're the worst mother in the world!"?

But when your child is acting out, it's because he CAN'T tell you about those feelings. So he "acts them out."  It's his way of sending you an SOS.   READ POST

"Where does resilience come from?....It comes from knowing that you never have to be alone….If you feel connected, you will always be able to deal with adversity.  The skills we need to deal with adversity begin with a feeling of I can handle this.  It is a feeling of No matter what happens, I can find a solution; a feeling of I have dealt with hard times and come out fine before; a feeling of Even when I feel lost, I always have somewhere to turn.” – Dr. Edward Hallowell
 
Life is full of hard knocks.  What makes some people get up the next morning determined to try again, while others give up?  Resilience.  READ POST