Parenting Blog

 "Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity - a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother."  -- Rose Kennedy

Most parents take their job as teachers very seriously.  We teach our kids colors.  ABCs.  Sharing.  Right from wrong.

But sometimes we don't even notice a much more important lesson we're imparting to our children: how to manage themselves and their feelings.  This is the basis of emotional intelligence (EQ), which will determine their quality of life much more fundamentally than their IQ.  READ POST

"What do I do when my three year old throws his truck at the cat? If I take the thrown object away and say, "The truck has to be put away now, because we can't let the kitty get hurt," my son seems to still view this as a punishment -- Mom is taking his favorite toy away and putting it somewhere high up where he can't reach it because he's little. Not to mention the frustrated/patronized look he gets on his face as soon as he sees my 'I'm about to empathize with your deeper feelings instead of addressing whatever need you think you have at this moment...'

Let's dig deep on this one because it's a great example of where punishment gets in the way of raising a responsible, emotionally intelligent child.  READ POST

"I find I’m already 10 steps into reacting and I’ve headed down the “traditional” path with whatever issue is at hand with my kids. When I am able to remain calm, it certainly helps the situation as opposed to when I get heated up and emotional, which only makes things worse. It makes me sad to know that up until now, I have not been a good example of emotional regulation at all.  And it is so disheartening to see my kids doing things that I know they saw us do whether it’s throw something, slam a door, etc. Every once in a while, the little voice inside me says 'It’s too late—damage done' but then I keep plugging along reading and re-reading your advice and hope that if I can keep working on myself, my kids can adjust too." – Amy

Sounds familiar, right?  We're starting the New Year with emotional regulation because it’s at the heart of our ability to parent the way we’d like. In fact, it’s at the heart of most of the ways we trip ourselves up, from over-eating to over-spending to fighting with our spouse.

As parents, we know it’s our responsibility to provide for our child’s physical needs: food, shelter, protection.  What about our responsibility to parent from a state of love?  We often hear that good parents love their children unconditionally, but we all know that no parent always feels loving.  And we’re left on our own to figure out how we can restore ourselves to a state of love during the inevitable ups and downs of daily parenting.  READ POST

“We're not grateful because we're happy. We're happy because we're grateful.” - Brother David Stendl-Rast

"If the only prayer you said in your life was 'THANK YOU,'  that would suffice." -- Meister Eckhart

Every spiritual tradition has a practice of gratitude.  Not just for some presumed spiritual or ethical benefit, but because it works. The heartfelt expression of gratitude lifts us out of the mind’s usual restless feeling of “not enough” into the joy of sufficiency.  We open ourselves to take in the blessings that surround us.  READ POST

"Instead of resisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully, embrace it and see through your resistance." - Deepak Chopra

"Today I will let myself feel what I am feeling and let my children feel what they are feeling....I'll pay attention to what each of us is feeling and give those feelings some respect and space. There's nothing so bad about them; they are only feelings and need not threaten me." -- Tian Dayton

Are your feelings dangerous?  Never.  But most of us are afraid of our strong feelings.  And we're afraid of our children's feelings. Why?  READ POST

"Odd as it may seem, children who hit are children who are afraid. The fears that cause trouble for a child who hits usually have their roots in some frightening experience earlier in her life, even though she may not seem frightened at all. To manage her fear, the frightened child develops aggressive behavior that flares any time she feels tense. Instead of crying or saying she feels scared when her fears are triggered, she tightens up, can’t ask for help, and lashes out." -- Patty Wipfler

It's not so easy to feel love in the face of aggression.  We may know intellectually that our child is lashing out because she's overwhelmed or scared, but we still move into "fight or flight" because we feel like it's an emergency.  READ POST

"Where does resilience come from?....It comes from knowing that you never, never have to be alone….If you feel connected, you will always be able to deal with adversity.  The skills we need to deal with adversity begin not with thoughts or instructions but with a feeling—a feeling of I can handle this.  It is a feeling of No matter what happens, I can find a solution; a feeling of I have dealt with hard times and come out fine before; a feeling of Even when I feel lost, I always have somewhere to turn.” – Edward Hallowell
 
Life is full of hard knocks.  What makes some people get up the next morning determined to try again, while others give up?  Resilience.

There's a common misconception that children develop resilience by encountering failure.  That's a myth.  Children develop resilience by dealing successfully with failure.  When children have the internal and external supports to get up and try again, they learn they can overcome adversity.  When a child doesn't have that internal and external support, all he learns from failing is that he's the kind of person who fails.  READ POST