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Every study that has ever been done on fathers has shown how important each parent is in the life of a child.
Is this because male figures are inherently necessary? Maybe, given that all the research shows that dads relate somewhat differently to their kids than moms do.
Or maybe not, given that children of lesbian couples do just fine, everything else being equal. But there is no question that kids do better with two parents. And there is no question that a child born to two parents needs both of those parents in his life, or he experiences it as rejection, whether the other parent left through death, divorce or abandonment.
Of course, single parents can do a great job raising kids, but it's a heroic feat, and a risk factor for the child. Then again, life isn't perfect, and we all do the best we can.
So if you're a father, or co-parenting with a father, you'll be interested in knowing how important dads are. A few noteworthy facts:
- An active and nurturing style of fathering is associated with better verbal skills, intellectual functioning, and academic achievement among adolescents.
- When fathers are involved in their children's education, the kids are more likely to get As, enjoy school, and participate in extracurricular activities.
- Toddlers with involved fathers go on to start school with higher levels of academic readiness. They are more patient and can handle the stresses and frustrations associated with schooling more readily than children with less involved fathers.
- Kids who have problematic relationships with their mothers grow up to be worse parents -- UNLESS they have good relationships with their dads, in which case they can become very good parents.
- Children without a strong male figure are more likely to drop out of school, abuse drugs and alcohol, and wind up in prison.
- Adolescent girls living in homes without their fathers are 3 times more likely to engage in sexual relations by the time they turn 15, and 5 times more likely to become a teen mother.
- Fathers who take a week or more off to spend with their newborn are closer to their kid at every stage of the child's life, right up into young adulthood.
- Dads often worry that they don't know how to care for a newborn. But research shows that men have a hormonal response to becoming fathers, which includes a natural protectiveness toward the baby. So Paternal Instinct is as real as Maternal Instinct.
- The more time dads spend holding their new babies, the more their paternal instinct is activated, and the more comfortable they feel comforting and caring for their newborns. This is usually a transformative experience for Dad, a tremendous relief to mom, and a vital relationship for the baby.
It's tragic that 34% of kids in the USA today live without their fathers.
If you're a Dad, please accept my deepest gratitude. Whatever else you may accomplish in your life, in my opinion it pales compared to your role as a father.
"Ten
minutes of play up front will save you a half hour of nagging on the
back end...Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep
emotional bond between parent and child." -- Dr. Lawrence Cohen
Have things been tense around your house lately? Wondering how to interrupt the cycle of whining, dawdling, nagging,
yelling? Tired of working so hard to stay patient when you're
exhausted? Want an easy way to lift the mood and reconnect with your
kid?
Parenting isn't supposed to be so hard.
And when everyone in a family feels good about themselves and close to
each other, it isn't. But all families get off track sometimes. The answer is to stop working so hard, and start playing! There's nothing like play to ease tension and create closeness. How?
1. Get goofy and get the giggles going. Young
children love the incongruity of funny voices. And they're still
learning to manage their own bodies, so they find it hilarious when
grownups fall down. Giggling is as good as crying to let off tension --
and lots more fun! (The only caveat -- don't tickle kids unless they
ask you, and then keep it mild. Tickling may produce involuntary
giggles, but it creates a sense of physical powerlessness you don't
want to force on your child.)
2. Get your energy going with a chase game. Chase your child
but bumble so much you can't catch him, or catch him briefly but let
him get away. Emphasize your incompetence by loudly announcing your
prowess: "I'm a superhero. Nobody gets away from me!" --
then trip and fall down! Or let your child chase you, and allow
yourself to be easily caught as you brag. Kids feel small, incompetent
and powerless much of the time. Turning the tables helps them release
anxiety and feel better about themselves.
3. Defuse aggression with a pillow fight.
Toddler hitting you or the baby? Preschooler whacking playmates?
Siblings squabbling? Teenager ignoring you? The answer is mock
aggression in the form of a pillow fight. Show your teen you can still have fun together by dumping pillows on her head (gently) as you issue a pillow-dueling challenge. Get
the kids to bond by teaming up against you. Let your preschooler
experiment with aggression by hitting the pillow while you hold it up
in front of you. Help your toddler feel powerful by clobbering you with
the pillow while you try to escape, howling in mock terror. End the
pillow fight by submitting (with loud protest) to your child's powerful
pillow-fighting skills and collapsing together for big hugs and
snuggles.
After fifteen minutes of play, you'll be
amazed how your child cooperates for the rest of the evening. And how
much sweeter parenting feels to you.
"Currently,
a fantastic evening for me is crashing into my son’s bath with my
clothes on, chasing him around the house with a diaper on my aqua blue
bubble bath covered head, cooking cheap crappy pizza (side of green
beans too, don’t worry), and reading Llama Llama Red Pajama to him.
Pretty much all the same stuff I did when I was single, just now I do
it with my son instead of my date. I used to run around the world
looking for the exact thing I now have sitting in ... my home. " --
Mark Holder
If you're like me, you have a long "To Do" list, and at the end of the
day you never feel like you've accomplished enough. This is your
official reminder that your In Box will never be empty, but your
children will grow up. Sooner than you think, you will be the last
person they'll want to spend time with.
If your kids are still young enough to want your time in the evening,
why not give it to them in a whole-hearted way? Why not turn off the
computer and leave the clothes unfolded? (Kids can wear them wrinkled
right out of the laundry basket, right?) Why not chase them around the
house with a diaper on your head, and roar at them like a tiger? Why
not have an extra long story hour tonight?
Playing with your kids isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. Kids thrive
on that juicy energy; it strengthens your relationship with them. And
what better way to get cooperation than making your routine into a game?
I was walking down a NY city street last Sunday when I saw a young family out walking. Mom was pregnant. Dad was holding the hand of his two year old son. The little boy was crying. “Up!” he said. “Up, Daddy!”
“No,” says Dad. “You’ve been up on my shoulders all morning. You walk now.” He was literally yanking his kid’s arm, half pulling him along the sidewalk.
The boy cried harder. I was so glad I wasn’t him. I was also glad I wasn’t his mom, who was too pregnant to carry him and looked pretty unhappy. And I was glad I wasn’t his dad, who must have had aching shoulders.
Then I realized that it was early afternoon, and clearly nap time. Apparently, this boy had been out all morning doing things with his parents. So naturally he was having a meltdown. Not a great time for dad to be setting this limit. Not a great time to be anywhere except home, putting this little guy down for his nap.
Now, I don’t doubt Dad was tired of carrying Junior. For all I know, he had a bad back, and could have put his back out if he lifted any more. It’s so hard to balance our needs against our kids. Who knows what drove these parents to have their tired toddler out on the street half the day, without even a stroller? Maybe it was important. Maybe the kid refuses to get into a stroller. And who am I to judge this dad and his aching shoulders?
But I do know that moments like this are important in a child’s life, because they teach our kids defining messages. Like whether the world is a nurturing place. Whether the child is lovable enough for his parents to care about meeting his needs.
So my Aha! moment was, There’s always a way to make interaction with our kids into win-win situations. This dad was making this a contest between his needs and his son’s. His won. But there are always other ways to handle situations like this. How?
Well, to start with, Dad could at least not have yanked his kid’s arm half out of its socket. That wasn't going to make Junior any more cooperative.
He could have empathized, so Junior didn’t feel so alone:
“I know, you are so tired of walking. We’ve been out all morning, haven’t we? And your legs are tired, I know. You wish Daddy could carry you.”
He could have reassured his kid:
“We’re almost home now. As soon as we get home, I will carry you up the steps.”
He could have helped Junior regroup:
“Let’s stop here at the deli. I’ll go inside and get you a cool drink of water, and you can rest for a minute with mom on the bench.”
Then he could have turned it into a game, or distracted him:
“Let’s see how many steps it takes to the corner. " or "Let’s see whether we can beat Mommy home.” Or “I can’t carry you until my shoulder feels better, but Mom and I can swing you some while we walk. Here, hold both our hands. Now you count to five. Every fifth step, we will swing you.
But what happens when there is no way to find a win-win? When it’s 3am and we’re exhausted and walking the floor with a crying baby, and the only win for us would be to dump the baby in her crib and collapse into bed?
There’s a always a deeper win. That win is about the foundation we’re giving our child for a fulfilling life. That win is about transforming our resentment into love and giving our child the blessing of that love. That win is about teaching our child that ultimately, love is what matters, and she is lovable.
The New York Times recently reported on a longitudinal study of a class of Harvard graduates from many years ago. The researchers followed these men throughout their lives to study what most affects achievement, success, and happiness. You now what they found? The only thing that matters is love. That's right, good relationships with other people. What made these men happy and successful wasn't about IQ, family status, money, the jobs they got. It was the kids who the great relationships with parents and siblings, with peers, roommates, girlfriends, the kids who went out in the world and created good relationships with other people, who gave and received love -- those were the ones who had the happy, successful lives.
So as parents, how do we raise kids who succeed at love and relationships? They learn everything they need to know from us.
That’s the ultimate win-win.
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Comments
I love your work and find your emails so helpful. However my heart gave a painful jump when I read your bit on Fathers recently, especially the following: "And there is no question that a child born to two parents needs both of those parents in his life, or he experiences it as rejection, whether the other parent left through death, divorce or abandonment."
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly last year leaving us absolutely devastated. He was an exceptional human being, including in the way he parented. We all had so much love for each other. I found your description of a father leaving his children through death as a kind of rejection very chilling and quite upsetting. I have not read that anywhere else in the research I have been doing in my efforts to try and help my two young sons (2 and 6) through this most cruel turn in their lives.
Can you please at least give some supportive words and suggestions to parents like myself who are doing it alone due to death?
My comment was on the fact that children who have lost a father feel it acutely. Since so many kids are growing up without fathers in the USA, I wanted my readers to understand how important fathers are and how profound the wound of losing a parent is. I think my inclusion of death, while accurate, was thoughtless, because it is beyond our control.
But let me explain my reference. When kids lose a parent to death they feel an acute loss, naturally. My experience in speaking with adults who have lost a parent is that often their grief includes a fear of being responsible, just as it does in divorce.
This is actually a defense. In other words, "If I can assert even some control over this terrible event in my life, maybe I won't feel so much pain." So we assume responsibility:
"If Daddy died and left me, it must be at least partly a reflection on me. If Only. If only I had been better. If only I had been more lovable. If only I had been perfect....more love-worthy...more obedient....Maybe then he wouldn't have died..."
Of course, just feeling the pain would be healthier, but our psyches are set up to protect us, so we keep these defensive tape loops going as needed to fend off the pain. When people get stuck in grief, therapy is about helping us past these thoughts of responsibility, shame and unworthiness so that we can feel the acute pain of the loss.
These feelings are essentially feelings of rejection, including, often, a deep feeling of shame, of not being good enough. In other words, the primal experience of death -- for all of us, not just for children -- is an experience of being left. Our only explanation is that somehow we were not good enough. That's what I meant by the child experiencing the parent's death as rejection.
Now, rejection of any kind is always information about the rejector, not the person being left. But for a child, it can take years to process a loss and see that. Usually as adults our rational mind helps us through this. We also are more able to handle the pain so we don't as often cling to the "If Only" defense to fend off the loss.
So how do we help kids with this? Research shows that kids who have one loving parent who helps them feel safe and secure, who feels comfortable with the full range of their emotion, who stays connected to them, come out fine. Kids can absolutely recover from the loss of a parent and emerge whole and healthy. They just need to be able to go "through" their grief in whatever way works for them, which will be different than the adult experience.
And they need to know, over and over, how loved they were by the lost parent, that it was not their fault that the parent was wrenched away -- and that their parent would never have willingly left them. Acknowledging our powerlessness in the face of life's sometimes cruel twists and turns is hard for any of us to bear, but ultimately it is more healing than feeling we were not good enough to keep our loved one's presence.
The other critical factor in healing for kids seems to be letting the child have safe spaces both to grieve and to move on. In other words, school needs to be a sacred place where they can "forget" about their loss and be "normal" like the other kids. After a death, each of us makes a choice at the deepest level about whether to say YES to life, or to shrink away from living fully. (Think of Dicken's portrayal of the bride left at the altar, growing old still in her wedding dress.) Committing to the future can be experienced as leaving the loved one behind. Kids make that choice more easily than adults because their growth imperative is so strong, but they need to be able to do so without guilt. Solicitous reminders often plunge them awkwardly into grief while they are trying to go on with "normal" life.
But kids who've lost a parent also need regular rituals where they can "remember" and revisit their grief, where they are reassured that they are not the only one who has not forgotten this loss. Those rituals need to be "contained" so they don't just spill over into normal life.
Kids who have their own private rituals where they talk to a photo or other memento seem to do especially well -- in other words, where they stay strongly connected to the lost parent even while they move on into the future. As the years go by, kids often forget their parent's voice etc, and need reassurance that this is natural and the connection endures. Love reaches beyond death, and they need to feel their parent's love throughout their lives.
Thank you for writing. With your permission, I would like to put our exchange (anonymously, of course) on my website to serve as a clarification and apology to any other parents who I may have thoughtlessly hurt with my comment. Please know that your children will be ok, because of the hard work you are doing every day to move toward healing for yourself and for them. My heart goes out to you, and you have my deepest admiration.
with love,
Dr. Laura