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Today is Father's Day.  The perfect time to honor every Dad who shows up for his kids each day committed to being the best father he can.  You are making a huge difference in your child's life -- now, and every day of your child's future.  Thank you.

Every study that has ever been done on fathers has shown how important each parent is in the life of a child. 


Is this because male figures are inherently necessary?  Maybe, given that all the research shows that dads relate somewhat differently to their kids than moms do. 

Or maybe not, given that children of lesbian couples do just fine, everything else being equal.  But there is no question that kids do better with two parents. And there is no question that a child born to two parents needs both of those parents in his life, or he experiences it as rejection, whether the other parent left through death, divorce or abandonment.

Of course, single parents can do a great job raising kids, but it's a heroic feat, and a risk factor for the child. Then again, life isn't perfect, and we all do the best we can.

So if you're a father, or co-parenting with a father, you'll be interested in knowing how important dads are.  A few noteworthy facts:

  • An active and nurturing style of fathering is associated with better verbal skills, intellectual functioning, and academic achievement among adolescents.
  • When fathers are involved in their children's education, the kids are more likely to get As, enjoy school, and participate in extracurricular activities.
  • Toddlers with involved fathers go on to start school with higher levels of academic readiness. They are more patient and can handle the stresses and frustrations associated with schooling more readily than children with less involved fathers.
  • Kids who have problematic relationships with their mothers grow up to be worse parents -- UNLESS they have good relationships with their dads, in which case they can become very good parents.
  • Children without a strong male figure are more likely to drop out of school, abuse drugs and alcohol, and wind up in prison.
  • Adolescent girls living in homes without their fathers are 3 times more likely to engage in sexual relations by the time they turn 15, and 5 times more likely to become a teen mother.
  • Fathers who take a week or more off to spend with their newborn are closer to their kid at every stage of the child's life, right up into young adulthood.
  • Dads often worry that they don't know how to care for a newborn. But research shows that men have a hormonal response to becoming fathers, which includes a natural protectiveness toward the baby.  So Paternal Instinct is as real as Maternal Instinct.
  • The more time dads spend holding their new babies, the more their paternal instinct is activated, and the more comfortable they feel comforting and caring for their newborns. This is usually a transformative experience for Dad, a tremendous relief to mom, and a vital relationship for the baby. 

  • It's tragic that 34% of kids in the USA today live without their fathers.

    If you're a Dad, please accept my deepest gratitude.  Whatever else you may accomplish in your life, in my opinion it pales compared to your role as a father.
Sunday, June 20, 2010 | Comments (2) | Trackbacks (0) | Permalink

"Ten minutes of play up front will save you a half hour of nagging on the back end...Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child." -- Dr. Lawrence Cohen

Have things been tense around your house lately?  Wondering how to interrupt the cycle of whining, dawdling, nagging, yelling? Tired of working so hard to stay patient when you're exhausted? Want an easy way to lift the mood and reconnect with your kid?

Parenting isn't supposed to be so hard.  And when everyone in a family feels good about themselves and close to each other, it isn't. But all families get off track sometimes. The answer is to stop working so hard, and start playing! There's nothing like play to ease tension and create closeness.  How?

1. Get goofy and get the giggles going. Young children love the incongruity of funny voices.  And they're still learning to manage their own bodies, so they find it hilarious when grownups fall down. Giggling is as good as crying to let off tension -- and lots more fun! (The only caveat -- don't tickle kids unless they ask you, and then keep it mild. Tickling may produce involuntary giggles, but it creates a sense of physical powerlessness you don't want to force on your child.)

2. Get your energy going with a chase game. Chase your child but bumble so much you can't catch him, or catch him briefly but let him get away. Emphasize your incompetence by loudly announcing your prowess:  "I'm a superhero.  Nobody gets away from me!" -- then trip and fall down!  Or let your child chase you, and allow yourself to be easily caught as you brag. Kids feel small, incompetent and powerless much of the time. Turning the tables helps them release anxiety and feel better about themselves.

3. Defuse aggression with a pillow fight. Toddler hitting you or the baby?  Preschooler whacking playmates?  Siblings squabbling? Teenager ignoring you? The answer is mock aggression in the form of a pillow fight. Show your teen you can still have fun together by dumping pillows on her head (gently) as you issue a pillow-dueling challenge. Get the kids to bond by teaming up against you. Let your preschooler experiment with aggression by hitting the pillow while you hold it up in front of you. Help your toddler feel powerful by clobbering you with the pillow while you try to escape, howling in mock terror.  End the pillow fight by submitting (with loud protest) to your child's powerful pillow-fighting skills and collapsing together for big hugs and snuggles.

After fifteen minutes of play, you'll be amazed how your child cooperates for the rest of the evening.  And how much sweeter parenting feels to you.

Thursday, January 28, 2010 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0) | Permalink

"Currently, a fantastic evening for me is crashing into my son’s bath with my clothes on, chasing him around the house with a diaper on my aqua blue bubble bath covered head, cooking cheap crappy pizza (side of green beans too, don’t worry), and reading Llama Llama Red Pajama to him.  Pretty much all the same stuff I did when I was single, just now I do it with my son instead of my date. I used to run around the world looking for the exact thing I now have sitting in ... my home. " -- Mark Holder

If you're like me, you have a long "To Do" list, and at the end of the day you never feel like you've accomplished enough.  This is your official reminder that your In Box will never be empty, but your children will grow up.  Sooner than you think, you will be the last person they'll want to spend time with.

If your kids are still young enough to want your time in the evening, why not give it to them in a whole-hearted way?  Why not turn off the computer and leave the clothes unfolded? (Kids can wear them wrinkled right out of the laundry basket, right?)  Why not chase them around the house with a diaper on your head, and roar at them like a tiger?  Why not have an extra long story hour tonight?

Playing with your kids isn't a luxury, it's a necessity.  Kids thrive on that juicy energy; it strengthens your relationship with them.  And what better way to get cooperation than making your routine into a game?

Thursday, August 06, 2009 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0) | Permalink

I was walking down a NY city street last Sunday when I saw a young family out walking.  Mom was pregnant.  Dad was holding the hand of his two year old son.  The little boy was crying. “Up!” he said. “Up, Daddy!”

“No,” says Dad. “You’ve been up on my shoulders all morning.  You walk now.”  He was literally yanking his kid’s arm, half pulling him along the sidewalk.

The boy cried harder.  I was so glad I wasn’t him.  I was also glad I wasn’t his mom, who was too pregnant to carry him and looked pretty unhappy.  And I was glad I wasn’t his dad, who must have had aching shoulders.

Then I realized that it was early afternoon, and clearly nap time.  Apparently, this boy had been out all morning doing things with his parents.  So naturally he was having a meltdown.  Not a great time for dad to be setting this limit.  Not a great time to be anywhere except home, putting this little guy down for his nap.

Now, I don’t doubt Dad was tired of carrying Junior.  For all I know, he had a bad back, and could have put his back out if he lifted any more.  It’s so hard to balance our needs against our kids.  Who knows what drove these parents to have their tired toddler out on the street half the day, without even a stroller?  Maybe it was important.  Maybe the kid refuses to get into a stroller.  And who am I to judge this dad and his aching shoulders?  

But I do know that moments like this are important in a child’s life, because they teach our kids defining messages.  Like whether the world is a nurturing place.  Whether the child is lovable enough for his parents to care about meeting his needs.  

So my Aha! moment was, There’s always a way to make interaction with our kids into win-win situations.  This dad was making this a contest between his needs and his son’s.  His won.  But there are always other ways to handle situations like this. How?

Well, to start with, Dad could at least not have yanked his kid’s arm half out of its socket.  That wasn't going to make Junior any more cooperative.

He could have empathized, so Junior didn’t feel so alone:
“I know, you are so tired of walking.  We’ve been out all morning, haven’t we?  And your legs are tired, I know.  You wish Daddy could carry you.”

He could have reassured his kid:
“We’re almost home now.  As soon as we get home, I will carry you up the steps.”

He could have helped Junior regroup:
 “Let’s stop here at the deli.  I’ll go inside and get you a cool drink of water, and you can rest for a minute with mom on the bench.”

Then he could have turned it into a game, or distracted him:
“Let’s see how many steps it takes to the corner. " or "Let’s see whether we can beat Mommy home.” Or “I can’t carry you until my shoulder feels better, but Mom and I can swing you some while we walk.  Here, hold both our hands.  Now you count to five.  Every fifth step, we will swing you.

But what happens when there is no way to find a win-win?  When it’s 3am and we’re exhausted and walking the floor with a crying baby, and the only win for us would be to dump the baby in her crib and collapse into bed?

There’s a always a deeper win.  That win is about the foundation we’re giving our child for a fulfilling life.  That win is about transforming our resentment into love and giving our child the blessing of that love.  That win is about teaching our child that ultimately, love is what matters, and she is lovable.

The New York Times recently reported on a longitudinal study of a class of Harvard graduates from many years ago.  The researchers followed these men throughout their lives to study what most affects achievement, success, and happiness.  You now what they found?   The only thing that matters is love.  That's right, good relationships with other people.  What made these men happy and successful wasn't about IQ, family status, money, the jobs they got.  It was the kids who the great relationships with parents and siblings, with peers, roommates, girlfriends, the kids who went out in the world and created good relationships with other people, who gave and received love -- those were the ones who had the happy, successful lives.

So as parents, how do we raise kids who succeed at love and relationships?  They learn everything they need to know from us.
That’s the ultimate win-win.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0) | Permalink