Parenting Blog

“We're not grateful because we're happy.
We're happy because we're grateful.”
     Brother David Stendl-Rast

Almost every wisdom tradition has a practice of gratitude.  These traditions persist not only for some presumed spiritual or ethical benefit, but because they work. The heartfelt expression of gratitude lifts us out of the mind’s usual restless feeling of “not enough” into the joy of sufficiency.  We open ourselves to take in the blessings that surround us.

Let's do an experiment.
Right now:
Name 10 things for which you're grateful.  Feel that gratitude.
Actually do this.
At least 10.

What do you notice after doing this practice?

Research shows that you can actually shift a bad mood with an avalanche of appreciation. No matter how difficult the day, there is always something for which to be grateful. 

You can even do this with your kids -- they love it! Just start naming things you're grateful for and let everyone chime in. Keep it up for five minutes, and the whole mood in your family will have shifted.

May your day be filled with gratitude.

“Practice being grateful for what you have, rather than focusing on what's missing. Look at what's working in your life rather than what's not working. Practice being grateful for the small, wonderful things that happen to you every day, and this will automatically shift your attention from problems to joy, from stress to inner peace.” -- Jan Marie Dorr

Research shows that the practice of gratitude makes people happier.  The simple act of letting ourselves feel grateful stills our inner critic and floods us with love.

Starting now, why not take every opportunity to acknowledge and appreciate others, especially your own child?

The sparkle in the eyes of a friend that lights up your heart...
The touch of a loved one that nourishes your spirit...
But also the farmer who grew the food that you eat.
At this very moment you are surrounded by angels.
A pediatrician is a phone call away to help you keep your child healthy
Teachers, babysitters, extended family all love and guide your child
There is always help available.
Even during hard times there is always so much to be grateful for
Most of the time, we take this for granted.

But today, let’s express our love and gratitude for all that we are given
Including, of course, your own child.
Growing, developing, becoming a person who will bless the earth with his or her presence.

Start right now.
Take a few minutes and silently acknowledge to yourself some of the people whose contributions to your life you especially appreciate.
Make sure you spend a minute listing all the things you love about your child.

"You are a great wizard. You can use your powers to practice white magic on yourself instead of the other kind. The most basic way to do that is to concentrate on naming, savoring, and feeling gratitude for the blessings you do have -- your love for your kid, the pleasures of eating the food you like, the sight of the sky at dusk, the entertaining drama of your unique fate. Don't ignore the bad stuff, but make a point of celebrating the beautiful stuff with all the exuberant devotion you can muster."-- Rob Brezsny

Every wisdom tradition has a practice of gratitude. We offer thanks not only for some presumed spiritual or ethical benefit, but because it works.

The heartfelt expression of gratitude lifts us out of the mind’s usual restless feeling of “not enough” into the joy of sufficiency.  We open ourselves to take in the blessings that surround us.

Let's do an experiment, right now.  Put your hand on your heart. Name 5 things for which you're grateful. Feel that gratitude. Immerse yourself in it.

Actually do this, right now.  It takes one minute. At least 5 things.

What do you notice after doing this practice?

Now, name 5 things about your child for which you're grateful.

See how this could turn your whole life around?

As Meister Eckhart said, "If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough."

“There is scientific evidence that when we practice bringing attention to what we appreciate in our lives, more positive emotions emerge, leading to beneficial alterations in heart rate variability. Neurobiologically, gratitude is nested within the social emotions, along with awe, wonder, elevation and pride. It can be both practiced and experienced.” -- Charity Focus.org

Our inner critics are designed to find fault. They think they’re protecting us, warding off potential disasters.

“Oh no, the baby is crying!....The two year old is throwing food!.... The four year old is challenging us!... The seven year old is angry!... The ten year old is being rude!...Disaster alert, disaster alert!”  Sound familiar?

But the upsets of everyday life with children aren’t actually disasters. And research shows that when our mind’s habitual thinking is more positive, we’re less stressed, happier, healthier. Naturally, that makes us better parents as well.  And better able to respond in a way that calms, rather than escalates, any situation.

One sure-fire strategy to retrain your inner critic is to cultivate gratitude, which provides an antidote to the inner critic’s automatic negativity. The attitude of gratitude makes us happier and keeps us calmer. It actually transforms our biology and our moods (by flooding us with oxytocin and creating more oxytocin receptors, among other changes.)

Here’s how to use gratitude to tame your inner critic:

1. Daily practice. Every morning when you wake up, train yourself to find at least three things to be grateful for. Make it part of your morning ritual, so that you remember to do it – as you brush your teeth, nurse the baby, drink your coffee, drive the kids to school, whatever. Can't find the time?  Make it a ritual with your kids and let them chime in. Studies show this practice makes us feel happier within a few weeks.

2. Every day, find a moment to sit with each of your kids and feel grateful for that child. How did you get lucky enough to have this child put into your arms? Don’t let your inner critic steal this precious moment. Instead, remind yourself of how much you love this child.  Say thank you. Let that gratitude wash over you. Hug your child. You just changed your physiology, and your child’s, to make both of you happier and healthier.

3. When the upsets of daily life loom large, remind yourself that there’s no emergency. Your kid is acting like a kid because she is a kid.  You get to see all this immature behavior because you’re the parent – your child trusts you.  Retrain yourself to find something positive in the situation. This may feel artificial at first, but you’ll quickly notice that your attitude really does depend on your perspective.

“Thank goodness she had this meltdown at home instead of in the store.”

"I'm getting better and better at dealing with his anger calmly."

“This is a chance for him to get out all the tension from starting the new school.”

“At least this came up now, so I can see how upset he is about it and address it.”

“She cries with me because she trusts me.”

“How I handle my child’s emotions will make a difference for the rest of his life.”

"This isn't a disaster.  It's an opportunity for growth."

“Being a parent is a chance to be a hero.”

“True, my child sometimes drives me crazy. But what about those parents who so desperately want a child and can’t have one? Or who mourn a child? I am lucky, lucky, lucky to have this child, upsets and all.”

Can’t find your gratitude? Even during tough times, there is so much to be grateful for. Remind yourself of what you already know:  You are so lucky to be alive.

"Gratitude is noticing the extraordinary in the ordinary. And then taking the nanosecond to feel it." -- Karen Krakower Kaplan

Happy Tuesday!  Want to rock your life?  Do these 3 simple things every day this week:

1. Do something from your Joy list to nurture yourself, so your cup is full enough to overflow with joy toward your child. Don't have a list of the things you can do to help you feel joyful?  Make one, right now! Put it up and keep adding to it every day.

2. Spend fifteen minutes in private, unstructured, loving interaction with each child, preferably including lots of listening and snuggling. Can't get your kid to engage? Try physical games, the kind you would play with a baby -- kiss each toe, give a massage. Resist the urge to tickle, teach or engage with any kind of technology.  Just be -- and let love rush in.

3. Find something to be grateful for every minute.  Gratitude transforms our mood, attitude, actions, how we perceive our world.  If all you do is offer appreciation all day long -- to your child, your spouse, yourself, Life -- you'll find your whole day transformed.

May your week be filled with miracles, large and small.