Parenting Blog

Guest Blog by Dr. Jim Taylor
Author of Your Children Are Under Attack

Listen to Dr. Jim Taylor live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!

Wednesday November 18
MyExpertSolution.com
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THE POWER OF AMERICAN POPULAR CULTURE

There is no more destructive force in your children’s lives than American popular culture. It promotes the worst values in people, and disguises them all as entertainment. Reality TV, for example, has made the “seven deadly sins”—pride, avarice, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony, and sloth—attributes to be admired. Throw in selfishness, deceit, spite, and vengeance—all qualities seen and revered in popular culture—and you have the personification of the worst kind of person. American popular culture makes heroic decidedly unheroic values, characters, and behavior.

Most parents realize that popular culture conveys unhealthy messages to their children. For example, in a recent survey conducted by Common Sense Media, three-fourths of parents believed that materialism and the negative influences from television, movies, and music were a “serious problem” in raising children. It further reported that 64 percent of parents believe media content today is inappropriate for children. Over 85 percent of parents believe that marketing contributes to children being too materialistic, sexual content leads children to become sexually active at a younger age, and violent content increases aggressive behavior in children. And sixty-six percent of parents think they could do a better job of supervising their children’s media exposure.

POPULAR CULTURE'S TWO LINES OF ATTACK

American popular culture conveys its values through its many media. Though diverse in its tools of persuasion, popular culture relies on two primary avenues for communicating their messages and influencing your children. The first type of message that popular culture uses is what I call “loudspeaker” messages, in which the messages are deafening, constant, and ever present. The shrillness of these messages can heard, seen, tasted, or felt, and can not be readily avoided. Just driving down the street in most cities, towns, and suburbs exposes children to bright and flashing lights aimed at luring them into stores (where they can buy products they don’t need) and restaurants (where they can eat food that is unhealthy).

The second type of message that American popular culture uses to seduce children are what I call “stealth” messages. These messages are usually hidden behind characters, images, words, and sounds that are fun and engaging, but are designed to subtly tap into children’s unconscious needs and wishes. Messages that create positive emotional reactions, for example, dancing while drinking Pepsi, or winning a basketball game wearing a pair of Nike’s, resonate at a deep and unconscious level with children, causing them to want to feel that way too.

Examples of the unhealthy value messages that American popular culture conveys to your children are ubiquitous. Reality TV, a recent spawn of American popular culture, is currently the hottest property on television. The values communicated on Reality TV are truly destructive. Shows, such as Survivor, encourage deceit, manipulation, back stabbing, and “look out for #1” and “win at all costs” attitudes. Reality shows, such as American Idol and The Weakest Link, though ostensibly about achieving the American Dream of wealth and fame, places great emphasis on the rejection and humiliation of its losing contestants.

Video games, such as Grand Theft Auto and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, aggrandize criminal behavior, stereotyping, violence, and murder without consequences. Grand Theft Auto III: Vice City, exemplifies the kinds of lessons violent video games teach children. “This phenomenally popular video game allows you to hijack cars, shoot cops, kill women with baseball bats, have sex with prostitutes (and then kill them too)…In this game, you don’t kill the bad guy, you’re the bad guy,” writes the New York Times Magazine’s Jonathan Dee, “…it therefore seems undeniable that video games, compared to other forms of entertainment, are disproportionately concerned with violence.”

BATTLE LINES ARE DRAWN

The only chance your children have in winning the war against American popular culture is if you take sides with them. Use your power to protect them from the hypnotic allure of popular culture’s damaging values, beliefs, and attitudes. An essential part being their ally is to know your enemy. American popular culture is a master of disguise that can slip through your defenses and attack your children without you or they realizing it. Popular culture is also a massive and unrelenting force that can overwhelm your defenses and reach your children before you can regroup.

The healthy value messages that you communicate to your children protect them against American popular culture. Every message that you convey that emphasizes the values you want your children to live by gives them the values and perspectives that will enable them to see popular culture for what it is, what it believes, what it wants from them, and how it can harm them.

Good values and healthy messages aren’t enough in the face of American popular culture’s constant and concentrated assault on your children. It’s easy to get worn down by American popular culture, lose hope, and surrender to its the unflagging assaults. You must have a deep and resilient conviction in doing whatever is necessary to safeguard your children. This resolve is necessary because popular culture never rests and neither can you. You must become your children’s allies who they know will stand by them in the siege.

WAGING THE WAR

One of the most common themes in science fiction and fantasy movies and video games is that of a monumental threat to the future of humankind from alien or inhuman armies. The goal of these dark forces is to enslave or destroy the human race. This genre of entertainment is also a metaphor for what American popular culture is trying to do your family. Like the Terminator, popular culture is programmed to do one thing—destroy human life as we know it (okay, perhaps that is a bit melodramatic, but you get the idea)—and, every time it gets knocked down, the Terminator—and popular culture—gathers itself and keeps right on coming. Popular culture is also like the Orcs of the film, The Lord of the Rings. There seems to be an unending supply of popular culture’s foot soldiers—television, movies, music, magazines, advertisements—with which to attack your children. For every one that is destroyed, ten more seem rise out of the earth and join the battle against your children.

Yet, an important lesson can be learned using these two popular culture staples: that ordinary beings have the power to turn back overwhelming threats to our way of life and emerge victorious. What enabled the humans and hobbits, respectively, to triumph over their threats to humankind, and what will allow you to protect your children and overcome popular culture, is a deep conviction in what is right, an unerring commitment to their values, perseverance in the face of unimaginable odds, and a dogged determination to defeat their enemy.

RESPECT

Professional athletes are revered in American popular culture. Children want to be like their sports heroes. They put their heroes’ posters on their bedroom walls, wear their jerseys, and try to copy their athletic moves. Because of this influence on children, they are highly vulnerable to what athletes say and how they behave. What messages do acts of celebration convey to your children? One message is that they should celebrate for simply doing their job. Can you imagine a college professor doing a “touchdown dance” after giving a particularly good lecture? Or can you envision an auto mechanic taunting fellow mechanics after diagnosing and repairing a car problem? How about a ten-year-old doing the “Icky Shuffle” (a celebratory dance by the former NFL running back, Icky Woods) if he won a spelling bee? It sounds ridiculous and such behavior would never be tolerated in the “real” world. Yet this behavior is not only accepted, but admired, in the world of sports.

What lies at the heart at these messages is a profound lack of respect. These celebrations have the more powerful effect of demeaning the opposition. Beyond the diminution of their opponents, this behavior is disrespectful to the celebrating athletes themselves (though they obviously don’t see it that way), to the fans who come to see quality athletic performances (though admittedly many enjoy the antics as well) and to the sport itself (though league officials only take token steps to stop such behavior). And this disrespect isn’t limited to sports. It can be found, in some form, in popular music (e.g., hard rock and hip hop), on television and radio talk shows (e.g., Jerry Springer and Don Imus), and in politics (e.g., negative campaign ads).

RESPONSIBILITY

Our country was built on commitment, self-initiative, and perseverance. The American Dream was about working hard, making sacrifices, and creating a better life for your children than the life you might have had. People put in their time and did what was needed to be done. America was also about taking responsibility. If mistakes were made, people accepted culpability and did what they had to do to correct the situation. By accepting responsibility, people knew that they had greater control over their lives and that getting ahead was in their hands rather than being left to chance.

Times have certainly changed. America is now about avoiding responsibility. Many children these days want everything handled to them. They don’t want to have to work for it or earn what they get. Many children think that life should be easy and all good things should come to them just for being who they are. Lou Holtz, the well-known football coach who has coached for over 40 years, once said, “When I first started coaching, athletes talked about accountability and responsibility. Now they talk about rights and entitlement.” Children used to be grateful for the opportunities they were given. They appreciated how fortunate they were. Not any longer. Many children expect things to be given to them. It’s their right to get everything they want and they’re entitled to the very best of everything.

SUCCESS

It’s the American Dream: Success! America: Land of opportunity. The rags to riches story. The kid in the mailroom who works his way up to the boardroom. The ability of anyone willing to work to achieve success is the foundation on which our country is built. Men, such as Ken Lay and Jack Welch are, in many ways, exemplars of the American Dream; hard working, self-made, hugely successful. Yet they also epitomize the American Dream gone bad, where more than enough is not enough, where perspective is lost and greed and excess rule. In 1887, Lord Acton observed, “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” His words are just as relevant today.

Certainly, success is one of the most desirable and sought-after objectives in America today. Success is a powerful statement about who people are, what they value, and their commitment and hard work. It can foster a life full of meaning, satisfaction, and joy. Sadly, the pursuit of success can also lead to a life of frustration, disappointment, and unfulfilled dreams. Whether your children realize the success you envision for them or crumble under the weight of pursuing an unattainable image of success depends on the values you attach to success and the dream of success you create from your values.

HAPPINESS

Is there anything more decidedly American than the pursuit of happiness—it’s even in the Declaration of Independence? Is there anything that we devote more time, effort, and money to than attempting to achieve that elusive goal? And is there anything that we pursue with such vigor and yet with such poor results than our pursuit of happiness?

Happiness is, at the same time, the most desired of human conditions, yet one that is neither understood nor fully valued by most members of American society. One would assume that the increase in wealth and all of the advances that have been made over the last 50 years would have made people happier. But that assumption is painfully incorrect. If the growing rates of depression, violence, divorce, and suicide are any indications, Americans are less happy than any time in our past.

FAMILY

American popular culture wants to destroy your family. With your family in ruins, it can more easily shape your children in a form of its own choosing that fulfills its own needs rather than your children’s. Popular culture can take over as the dominant force in your children’s lives and instill in them the values that it wants them to have, not ones that are best for your children.

So American popular culture convinces you to push your children maniacally to excel in every aspect of their lives, to over schedule them, to plan weekend soccer tournaments in distant cities, to eat fast-food dinners between activities, give children unfettered access to video games, DVD’s, and television, and have no free time for your family. Is this road good for you and your family? Clearly not. Does it feel like this road has no exits? Probably so. So who benefits from such an unhealthy family? Isn’t it obvious, American popular culture. The busier and more stressed out you and your family are, the more you’ll turn to popular culture for convenience and relief. And for American popular culture, it’s all money in the bank—at your expense!

COMPASSION

From the simple act of not sharing toys in the playground to bullying by boys and girls alike to widespread corruption in the boardrooms of corporate America to police brutality, there is an epidemic of coldness in America today. For a variety of reasons ranging from economic need (“I gotta get mine while I can.”) to a decay in values (“Nobody cares about anything anymore.”) to a decline of the nuclear family (“What do you mean you’re getting divorced.”) to the migration away from the communities in which we were raised (“My pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow.”), an increasing segment of America seems to be driven overwhelmingly by selfishness and callousness, as opposed to social interest. This wanton disregard for others has caused many in our society to lose their compassion for others.

Some observers thought that the events of September 11, 2001 would change all that. The tragic attacks, they argued, would have a sobering effect on people; pull America together, put life in perspective, and elicit a never-before-seen concern for others. And there was change for a while. American flags were flying everywhere. People were helping each other cope with the national grief. Attendance at houses of worship rose dramatically. Charitable donations for the victims poured in in staggering amounts. Even America’s political parties set aside partisan bickering and pulled together to pass laws that were intended to help all Americans. Sadly, the new-found compassion was short lived. Since the terrorist attacks, life in America has returned to business as usual. American flags, like other popular trends, are rarely seen now. Religious observance has returned to previous levels. More examples of corporation greed emerge weekly. And, of course, it’s politics as usual in our nation’s capital.

A NEW AMERICAN VALUE CULTURE

Raising your children with healthy values is not just about resisting American popular culture, but also creating a new “American value culture” with which to replace it. A new American value culture is grounded in and driven by life-affirming values on which this country was founded, but, sadly, has lost sight of in the last several decades. Examples include integrity, accountability, hard work, kindness, fairness, primary concern for children, and a fundamental emphasis on always acting in the public interest. An American value culture identifies, highlights, and pursues values, goals, interests, and priorities that reflect the highest common denominator of American society, not the lowest. It involves persuading families, schools, houses of worship, big business, and local, state, and federal governments to return their priorities to those that care deeply for children. An American value culture is devoted to creating an environment that places your children’s needs and best interests ahead of all else.

Much like the suffragist movement of the early 1900’s and the civil rights movement of the 1960’s, starting a revolution against popular culture and replacing it with a new American value culture has to begin at a grassroots level; in families, schools, houses of worship, neighborhoods, and communities. You must recognize that America is heading down a bad road that can only lead our children—and our society—to a disastrous end. If you join the resistance, and with other converts, an army willing and capable of fighting against American popular culture and for an American value culture will grow. As this groundswell builds, resistance to and repudiation of popular culture will also increase. Over time, the tide will turn against American popular culture and, just as it has for past movements, the values of a new American value culture will emerge victorious.

Guest Blog by Judy Arnall
Author of Discipline Without Distress

Listen live to Judy Arnall on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!

Wednesday October 21
MyExpertSolution.com
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Parents and children today face very different challenges from those faced by the previous generation. Today's children play not only in the sandbox down the street, but also in the World Wide Web, which is too big and complex for parents to control and supervise. As young as age four, your children can contact the world, and the world can contact them. A strong bond between you and your child is critical in order for your child to regard you as their trusted advisor. Traditional discipline methods no longer work with today's children, and they destroy your ability to influence your increasingly vulnerable children who need you as their lifeline! Spanking and time-outs do not work. You need new discipline tools!

Discipline is proactive and involves prevention, and also teaches correct behavior by focusing on what to do in the future. Punishment is reactive and tries to correct past behavior by hurting a child so that he will be deterred from doing the same thing in the future. It doesn't, however, teach alternative behavior.

Children under the age of five generally cooperate with parents' directives about 40 percent of the time. So, 60 percent of the time, they don't listen. That's normal!

For the parent of a preschooler, a daily routine encompasses about 50 directives from the parent from the minute the child gets up in the morning until bedtime. That's a lot of requests. It's no wonder there are days when they just don't want to cooperate.

Keep your parenting positive by dealing with your emotions first. If you are angry at what you see, take a few moments to calm yourself down so you don't end up yelling. When you are in a better space, you can deal with your child and the situation more effectively.

When you discipline children, you are dealing with two elements: the emotional upset of the child and the behavior. Using punishment techniques, such as time-outs, only deals with the behavior and not the emotional aspect. If the emotions are not addressed, the behavior often continues.

When you say no and he responds with hitting, kicking, and yelling, allow him his feelings, and help him to calm down if he will let you. Deal with the emotions first and behavior later. Don't change your no to a yes to avoid his reaction. Give him the message that you are okay with all his feelings and the answer is still no in spite of his behavior. He needs to know that you are not afraid of his anger.

When the heat of the moment has subsided and everyone is calm, then it's a great time to talk about alternatives to his kicking and hitting, and have him help you clean up whatever mess he made in the course of his tantrum. These are natural consequences.

Children usually help you clean up when you don't insist in the emotional heat of the moment. When they are calm, they can clearly see the damage they caused and usually want to make some restitution. You both can come up with ideas of what he could do instead of kicking and yelling the next time. You are helping him come up with a plan to handle frustration when his goals are being thwarted, and this is a life skill he will need. At many times in our lives we hear no and we have to handle it like an adult. Don't expect perfection from a four-year-old. It takes many practices to handle a no with maturity and aplomb, and many adults are still mastering it.

When someone comes over and he acts up for the first half-hour, again, remember that it is a very normal behavior. Many children do that. Perhaps increase your tolerance for his zest. As long as he isn't breaking anything, he may need to expend more energy during that transition time. Get him a mini trampoline to bounce on in the basement. Perhaps take him to the playground before company comes. Keep on teaching him how to handle and pet animals gently. He will eventually get it.

Lastly, many parents become exasperated and yell. However, we have to model how to deal with our anger, as that's what we are teaching the children. The next time you are tempted to yell, take deep breaths and count to ten. Remember that you are modeling anger management to a very impressionable young man. To sum up, remember to stay calm. Get him calm. Then deal with the situation or problem. This works much better in getting behavior change in the long run than applying punishment, and it leaves your relationship intact.

_____________________________________________________
Judy Arnall is the author of Discipline Without Distress: 135 Tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery.  Judy is a Professional Member of The Canadian Association of Professional Speakers and is a well-known Canadian expert on parenting information, having given advice for television interviews on Global TV, Shaw TV, CTV and national magazines such as Chatelaine, Today's Parent, Canadian Living, Globe and Mail Newspaper, Natural Parenting, ParentsCanada and Canadian Family Magazine. She is a regular contributor to Calgary's Child Magazine for the past twelve years, a regular guest on Global TV for the past five years, and a discipline/behaviour expert at Mothering Magazine Online. Judy has delivered hundreds of parent education sessions to thousands of parents and teaches Parent Effectiveness Training at The University of Calgary.  She lives in Calgary, Alberta, Canada with her husband and five children.

Listen to Cassandra Vieten live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday October 14
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Replay: Dr. Laura Markham's Radio Show Podcasts

There is perhaps no time, with the possible exception of facing death, that greeting “things as it is” as Suzuki Roshi once put it, is more called for than during pregnancy, childbirth, and early motherhood. Facing the birth of a child may not be the final frontier, but it is a frontier – complete with all the excitement, challenge, and adventure that confronting any unknown territory brings.

Moms and Mood

From hormones to stretch marks, labor pains to diaper changes, motherhood is an adventure like none other. The rapid changes in your body, your lifestyle, and your very identity call for a certain mental and emotional agility, like running an obstacle course or training for a marathon. And while motherhood is a source of great joy for most women, recent data suggest that up to 18.4% of pregnant women are depressed during their pregnancy, and as many as 19.2% of first time mothers may have major or minor depression in the first three months after delivery. Psychological disorders other than depression are also prevalent in the perinatal period, with 12% of women experiencing mood disorders, 8% facing post-traumatic stress disorders, and 7% having anxiety disorders. Over and above the estimated rates of perinatal mood disorders above, 20-25% of women experience mild to moderate levels of affective distress during the first three months postpartum.

A very robust scientific literature links postpartum depression to impairments in mother-infant bonding. In addition, a large body of empirical evidence in both animal and humans studies indicates that stress and mood disturbance experienced during pregnancy increases the risk for preterm birth (which is considered one of the most pressing problem in maternal-child health in the U.S) and other pregnancy-related complications, and may adversely affect the developing fetus. Prenatal maternal stress may also be an important mediator of the observed relationship between race/ethnicity and rates of preterm birth.

Meeting a Need – Developing the Mindful Motherhood Program

In comparison to the potentially far reaching benefits, relatively little research has focused on developing interventions to reduce stress and improve mood during the perinatal period. In response to the need for a brief, low-cost, non-pharmaceutical intervention to reduce stress, improve mood, and decrease the effects of stress and distressed mood on mother-infant bonding, and based on our own experiences as parents, my colleague John Astin and I developed the Mindful Motherhood program. Bringing together elements from several different mindfulness-training pro¬grams, as well as our own newly developed material, we piloted the program in a group of ten women.

Based on participants’ feedback and our experience as facilitators and researchers, we made some changes to the program after this group ended and tried it out on another group of women. Finally, we compared two groups of women—one that received the training in pregnancy and one that did not. The women who did not receive the training during pregnancy participated in it when their babies were between three and six months old.

Though small, this pilot study showed that it was possible to learn mindful awareness during pregnancy and early motherhood (even with baby in tow!), and women who engaged in mindfulness training during pregnancy had reduced negative emotions and anxiety during pregnancy compared with women who did not participate in the training (Vieten and Astin 2008). There were also trends toward reduced symptoms of depression and increased positive emotion.

What Is Mindful Motherhood?

Mindful motherhood, the way we teach it, is focused on being present, in your body, and connected with your baby no matter what is happening. It’s being aware of your experience from moment to moment, as it is happening, without pushing it away, trying to make it stay, or judging it as bad or good. It is meeting each situation as it is, and over time, more and more often, approaching whatever is happening with curiosity and compassion.

Mindful motherhood is a way of approaching the good, the bad, and the ugly of motherhood to the largest extent possible with open eyes and an open heart. Whether those experiences are internal, like thoughts, feelings, or body sensations; or external, like relationships, workplace situations, or the situations in your environment, mindful moth¬erhood is about increasing the capacity to be with whatever is happening, no matter what it is. Exactly like mindfulness practice in any other situation. But motherhood demands a special kind of practice.

Mindfulness in Relationship

For one thing, mindful motherhood requests that you be mindful in relationship with another being. This ends up being true of any mindfulness practice – it’s no mistake that lovingkindness practice is the ultimate conclusion of most retreats. But in this situation it defines the practice. Silence, solitude, retreat, refuge – the lone wolf-style of “I’m going to sit here quietly with my mind until I see clearly,” is very rarely an option in early motherhood.

Down and Dirty Mindfulness

Second, in mindful motherhood you can forget the aspects of mindfulness that are of the transcendent-detached-observing-with-great-equanimity variety. Mindful motherhood is a practice that is living, embodied, down and dirty, sensual, centered and grounded in this world, in this body, in this moment. It’s about being present, in your body, and connected with your baby. It’s playing with your baby in the dirt, rather than worrying about how it’s going to get cleaned up. It’s spending all morning in bed together, playing peek-a-boo, eating, napping, and cuddling. It’s allowing anger to well up as you walk your baby back and forth for the sixth time that night, or allowing yourself the shivery shudder of being sick with the flu and still being the primary source of sustenance for your baby. There’s not much time off from motherhood in the early days, no matter how much support you have.

An Embodied Practice

So mindful motherhood is an embodied practice. In the first year of your child’s life, your body, much more than your mind or your words, is your primary communica¬tion tool. You receive almost all the incoming information you need from your baby through your body and its sensations (as opposed to the communication we tend to focus on as adults—the exchange of ideas). And all the outgoing information you deliver to your baby goes through your body as well. You connect with your baby through your facial expressions, your warmth, your touch, your tone of voice, and your tension or relaxation in each moment. Your body is likely the primary source of nutrition, and even if you are bottle feeding, your body during feeding times nourishes your baby with important skin-to-skin contact.

In fact, everything your baby knows about you and is learning from you during this time of ultimate brain plasticity, when neural pathways are being laid down for life, is happening through the communication between your body and your baby’s body. This communication is for the most part non-conceptual—it’s made up of sensations and emotions rather than ideas. It’s really staggering if you stop to think about it. It’s as though you’ve had to learn sign language rather than verbal language, but the sign language isn’t just with your hands—it’s with your whole body. Because your body is so vital to your communication, paying attention to and centering your awareness in it becomes extremely important. Which is where mindfulness comes in.

Being Here Now

Finally, mindful motherhood above all is a practice of being present in the moment. If being nonjudgmental, accepting, curious, and compassionate, and observing your experience and letting it be as it is without struggling against it are some of the rooms that make up the house of mindful motherhood, being in the present moment is the foundation of the house.

The great news for many of us is that being present with our babies can be really easy. Their adorable little selves can be incredibly compelling. You can find yourself just hanging out in the present with the baby and observing everything that is going on with great interest, curiosity, and love. In some ways this is the pinnacle of mindfulness, so it gives you the opportunity to experience it naturally without even having to try. When all the hormones line up right and you are hanging out with your baby, this experience often trumps that hyper-vigilance about everything else. You get “mommy brain,” where everything else drops away for a while. These moments when mindfulness comes with ease are real gifts.

On the same note, when the baby is crying, it forces you to be present in ways that you may sometimes wish you could avoid, but can’t. It’s really hard to ignore or be distracted from your own baby crying. In some ways, these moments are also gifts. They provide a great opportunity to be present as the moment is demanding and to begin to learn how to let go into the present moment, to relax into it, and walk right through it without all the extra suffering that comes from resisting it or trying to make it stop.

Finally, mindful awareness in pregnancy and early motherhood opens the door to experiences of deep content¬ment, expansive joy, fierce love, and warm sensuality that can exceed anything you’ve experienced up until then, and when you are really present, they hold the potential to be trans¬formative. Being open to this depth of feeling can change your understanding of who you are and what you are capable of.

The Time is Now

The gist is that pregnancy, childbirth, and early motherhood are not a time to put your mindfulness practice on hold and accept that you just won’t be able to attend to that part of your life as much during this period. Quite the contrary, pregnancy, childbirth, and early motherhood stimulate mindful awareness. When you lean into it, your mindfulness practice makes you grow as a mom (because essentially, the same ingredients that make up mindful awareness, when applied to your relationship with your baby, add up to being a good mom), and becoming a mom encourages mindfulness in a way that few other life experiences can.

Yes, pregnancy and early motherhood can be uniquely disruptive to your usual self-care routines, such as setting aside time for meditation or yoga. But this period of time also provides an opportunity to cultivate a practice of radical mindfulness—one that is deeply embodied, and infuses itself throughout your everyday life. The bottom line is to be gentle with yourself. There are limitless opportunities to cultivate mindful motherhood in pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, and in the rest of your life.

Much of what I’ve talked about in this book will come to you naturally, and more than anything, the information I’ve tried to convey is just a reminder to stay true to what is most real in each moment. Stay true to your center (your breathing, your body, and your connection to your baby), to that part of you that is awake, aware, and encountering each moment of motherhood for the first time. Rather than being a big project or a strenuous endeavor, mindful motherhood is about giving yourself permission to rest in this moment…and in this one…and in this one. Rest into whatever it is that is happening, and explore the adventure of motherhood with open eyes, an open mind, and an open heart.

Excerpted from Mindful Motherhood: Practical Tools for Staying Sane During Pregnancy and Your Child’s First Year (New Harbinger/Noetic Books, 2009)© Cassandra Vieten, Ph.D. (www.mindfulmotherhood.org)

Cassandra Vieten, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, director of research at the Institute of Noetic Sciences, associate scientist at the Mind Body Medicine Research Group at California Pacific Medical Center Research Institute in San Francisco, CA, and co-president of the Institute for Spirituality and Psychology. Her research on mindfulnessbased approaches to dealing with addictions, mood disorders, and for stress reduction during pregnancy and early motherhood has been funded by the National Institutes of Health, the State of California, and several private foundations. In addition to Mindful Motherhood, she is coauthor, along with Marilyn Schlitz and Tina Amorok, of Living Deeply: The Art and Science of Transformation in Everyday Life.

Listen to Naomi Aldort  live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday September 30
MyExpertSolution.com (scroll down to "Radio Shows" and click on "Listen Live")
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Many attachment parents call me in bewilderment when their child's behavior or development does not meet their expectations. "I did everything right for her!" says a young mother, "She was born peacefully, I carried her all the time, and she is still nursing and sleeping with us. Now that she is two years old, I am just not sure what to expect, or how to deal with her many needs." Some parents have specific questions about eating, sharing, cooperation and developmental stages. Others simply aren't sure how much to limit, and how much freedom to provide. These issues can indeed be perplexing. We have no role models to follow, as most of us are not following in our parents’ footsteps.

We all love our children and want the best for them. We want to follow our hearts, our intuition, and most of all, our children's cues. At times, our own childhood may make it difficult for us. Even the best and most loving parents sometimes respond to their children in a less then loving and kind way. This often stems from past hurts being restimulated by the child. How can we learn to care for our children in a loving way, without the interference of our own past painful memories?

Attachment parenting is the shortest route to knowing a child's needs, and trusting and responding to their cues is the best way to avoid mingling our own issues with their care. Yet even then, we sometimes miss. It is relatively easy to trust a baby: nurse, change, burp, rock, sleep. As the little newcomer starts acquiring physical independence, things may flow just as easily, or she may take a direction that bewilders us, and we are not sure what to allow and what to restrict.

Toddlers need our leadership. They need clear, gentle guidance as well as our support and our "vote of confidence". The beauty of being a leader is that the best way to lead is actually to follow.

When a young mother consulted me on how to stop her 2-year-old son from throwing his spoon and fork on the floor after each meal, I asked her how she was feeling about his behavior. She said she had been grinding her teeth with anger and frustration while trying to prevent him from developing bad table manners. But as she listened to her own inner conversation, she was able to separate her emotional reactions from the real needs of her child. She remembered the pain of feeling "used" as though she was the "slave" in her family. She recalled having to do chores she hated to do, and being scolded and shamed when she didn't do them well enough. She also remembered the pain inflicted on her if she acted with childlike freedom, and the inner fear that prevented her from being fully curious and vivacious as she grew up.

As she realized that her negative reaction to her son’s behavior was based on her own past hurts, she could see what was really going on for him: he wasn't exhibiting "bad table manners"; he was a young scientist, experimenting with gravity. When she was able to see things from her son’s point of view, she could then marvel at and enjoy his experiments as well as his other creative ideas. She could then play with him: she picked up the silverware, handed it back, and he dropped it again and again. They could both laugh at this, because she was going with, and not against, his need.

Not surprisingly, the "throwing spoon and fork on the floor" game disappeared by itself as her little boy became interested in other things and activities. His general behavior improved, and his mother’s ability to enjoy him grew by leaps and bounds. She learned to see her son as an individual with his own perspective and his own motives. Every stage in a child's life is there for a purpose. If we can respect and respond to their needs fully during each stage of life, they can be done with that stage and move on.

Empowering responsibility

My son Oliver, at age 2, was sitting in my lap to be read to. As soon as he was done with one book, he wanted another. I kissed him and said: "Put this book back in its place and bring whatever you want to read". This was no difficult task, and he did so with a smile on his face. Oliver's days are full of small and achievable tasks. Shoes come off when we enter the house. Then they go in the entry closet. Each toy is put away before choosing another one. Their father and I help, as needed, to keep things joyful and accomplishable.

Sometimes the mess is too overwhelming and I end up doing much of it by myself. My commitment to order, self-discipline, and responsibility is being modeled with, or without, my children’s participation. Watching me clean up the food that spilled on the floor, or voluntarily helping me with this task (at his request), are much better teaching tools for Oliver than being coerced to do it by himself before he is truly ready for that stage. Similarly, my gentle tone of voice, and my generosity and kindness in responding to his needs teach him what a million words would fail to convey.

By age 3, Oliver was asking me to clean up if food fell off the plate. He already cared. Yet my other children did not internalize that attitude until much later. Each child has a different built-in time-table of development. In a relationship built upon attachment, children internalize all the nuances of our ways of being, because they trust us. When we are self-disciplined, they follow our lead. When they experience our kindness and gratitude toward them, they become kind themselves, and when they watch our cooperation with each other and with them, they learn to cooperate.

Some people may say "No, my child doesn't seem to learn". In answer, I can assure them that he may not have learned yet, and he will. When he is full-size, he will be close to behaving like an adult. He may not live up to all of his parents’ expectations, instead he will live up to his own: to grow, to fulfill himself, to belong and to contribute. He will be uniquely himself.

A parent may have a "spirited" child, or may see her child as "different, not like others". Each child is indeed unique. A parent can be attached, meet a child’s needs, be kind and loving, and still have unexpected difficulties. Some children simply have an unusual "blueprint of being". In such situations, parents may need help to learn to recognize the needs of their child. Children communicate in ways that are not always clear to parents. Although learning the special language of one’s child is easiest through attachment parenting, even then we can sometimes lose sight of the child’s inner reality.

Saying "yes" most of the time builds trust and cooperation

When a child becomes demanding, whiny, or less responsive, she is most likely feeling frustrated by unmet needs. The child's tolerance to frustration and to "not getting her way", has a lot to do with the degree to which she feels that life generally flows with, and not against, her needs. We need to say "yes" to our children's needs as much as possible, and when that is not possible, we can still say "yes" to their feelings.

To respect and meet their needs is the best way to assure happy and cooperative children. Play and experimentation are the "job descriptions" of a toddler, and he needs our vote of confidence in him. Making a sculpture out of mashed potatoes harms no one, is low-cost, and cleanable. Running away from us at bedtime is an invitation for play, and taking apart an old phone is a learning adventure. Most no’s can turn into yes’s easily: "Yes, you like to cut books, here is a magazine you can cut."; "I see you are making a lake out of your juice. Here, let me move your project to the sink."; "Yes, you love to paint on the wall, here is a big sheet of paper." and "Yes, you can play with the phone." (I unplugged it).

When it is painless, safe, and simple to clean, we can be leaders by providing tools and by removing obstacles. Doing so helps the child feel worthy and helps her to trust our leadership, guidance, and intentions. She then responds to our leadership, not out of fear or intimidation, but simply because she wants to respond to us as lovingly as we have responded to her.

Providing leadership in tough moments

A three-year-old girl had a swim in Mom's arms, which she greatly enjoyed. When she was finished with swimming, she asked to be dressed and to play on the grass. As soon as she was out and dressed, she started whining, "Mom, I want to go home now". Her mother told her that it was her brother's turn to swim, and that when he was done in 5 or10 minutes, they would go home.

The little girl was adamant: "NOW!" she screamed. "I want to go home NOW!". This mother wanted to meet the needs of both children. She validated her daughter’s feelings while touching her gently: "You want to go home now, and we are not going yet. You are sad and crying." The little girl asked once more to go home and met with her mother's validation, but not with any change of plans. Once her need for empathy was fulfilled, she stopped crying and played happily the rest of the time.

For many parents, the story is reversed: a child does not want to leave. The challenge is the same, however. The child wants something that is not possible, will be at the expense of another child, is unhealthful, or is otherwise not available. Parents may feel anxious to supply everything the child asks for, and can experience panic in the face of an upset or crying child. Being on our child's side does not always mean it is possible to give them their wish. Most verbal youngsters are able to handle the simple limits of reality as long as we show them that we genuinely care and understand their feelings.

When will they learn to "behave"?

Parental expectations may be the greatest obstacle to a child's development and a prime cause of difficulties. Children are doing their absolute best to learn, to imitate our modeling, and to please us. We can trust them and guide them based on their readiness. They have a huge job ahead of them: becoming adults. They are in a rush and going as fast as they possibly can. Indicating to a child a need to grow even faster, can only lead to failure experiences and low self-esteem.

What leads most often to difficulty are the common parenting techniques of punishment, including threats, deprivations, time-outs, bribes, insults, shouting, scolding, inducement of guilt, and other attempts at controlling the child. The best thing we can do as parents to ensure that our children will grow into compassionate, communicative, responsible, caring and considerate adults is to treat them with those same qualities, and then trust them to model our behavior at their own pace.

Nursing on demand, holding, responding to cries, and co-sleeping form only a part of attachment parenting. A child will speak in a gentle tone if he hears his parents speaking kindly to him, and to others. He is likely to keep things neat if he has experienced others’ commitment to their surroundings. He will learn to share from being shared with, and from being respected when he is not ready to share. He will learn to say "thank you" by receiving and observing many expressions of gratitude. The only way to know when to expect the development of certain behaviors is by observation of the child. In the meantime, parents can lead not by controlling or instructing, but rather by example and clear, gentle guidance.

Here is a "declaration of complete confidence in children":

1. Adult-like behavior matures by the time we are adults.

2. No expectations means no disappointments for us, and no damaging pressures for our children.

3. Children respond best to modeling and leadership, not control.

4. Trust... and wait.

5. Choose between your momentary convenience and your long-term goal for your child's sense of self.

6. Enjoy your child for who he is, not for who you would like him to be - he will never be this age again.

7. Distinguish between your emotional needs and what your child feels and needs. Act toward your child in harmony with her needs; take care of your emotional needs elsewhere.

8. Celebrate your child's uniqueness as well as your own.

   ______________________________________________________

   Naomi Aldort is the author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves and of hundreds of internationally published parenting advice columns. She offers Phone counseling, Teleclasses, Free Newsletter, and CDs of her speaking at www.AuthenticParent.com.

   From infants and toddlers to children and teens, Aldort’s guidance takes the struggle out of parenting. Instead of ways of controlling, she provides tools of understanding and responding to your baby and child so she can be the best of herself, not because she fears you, but because she wants to, of her own free will.  Naomi’s SALVE communication formula has been praised as providing the best of The Work of Byron Katie and Nonviolent Communication combined

   ©Copyright Naomi Aldort.  Reprinted and adapted with permission of the author from "Kangaroo Kids", newsletter of Northwest Attachment Parenting, Issue 27, Autumn 1998.

Guest Blog by
Denise Roy
author of
Momfulness: Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion, and Grace
& My Monastery Is a Minivan

Listen to Denise Roy  live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday September 30
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)

“Momfulness” is the word I coined for the spiritual practice of conscious mothering. However, I want to be straight with you. Momfulness is not about perfection. It is also not about motherhood as bliss. Nothing is bliss all the time. I love being a mom, and at the same time, it can be incredibly grueling and frustrating, often pushing me to my limits.

Momfulness is also not about adding another thing to your to-do lists. So if you think you’re too busy to engage in a spiritual practice, think again. If you’re steeped in dirty diapers, if you’re dealing with acting-out teenagers, if you’re trying to balance work and home and it feels like you have time for neither, this is the practice for you.

You can’t practice Momfulness by sitting on a meditation cushion all day (not that there’s much danger of that happening!). Momfulness is practiced in the trenches—while carpooling and cooking, working and waiting, crying and celebrating. This is a practice where you learn how to meditate in motion in the midst of family life.

The Dalai Lama teaches, “We learn affection from our mother, not a guru. The guru comes later. First we receive the lesson of compassion from our mother by example.” Momfulness is the spiritual practice of developing our capacity to hold our lives and those of our children with a compassionate and loving heart.

What does that look like on a daily basis? Here is one simple practice that you might try with your kids:

Late-for-School Practice

Take any given morning. You’re running late, everything is going wrong, the kids are not cooperating. For the fifteenth time you have asked the kids if they are ready, and now one is crying and saying that he can’t find his teddy bear, and the other is insisting on tying her shoes herself.

You’ve reached that moment when you are well past your calm, serene self. You are thinking either that you’re the worst mother in the world or that your kids are the worst children in the world.

See if you can catch yourself in that moment before you lose it. First, take a slow, deep breath—for you. Become aware of your thoughts, your feelings, and your physical sensations. Recognize how cranky or stressed you are.

Now take another deep breath — this one for your children. Notice what is going on with them. Did they go to bed too late? Do they want to be independent but don’t quite yet have the skills? Do they want attention? Are they too young to understand the whole concept of time? When we are able to understand our children’s behavior, we can respond more effectively.

Finally, take a third breath for the “Now what?” Ask yourself, What is needed in this moment?

Then choose what you want to do next: find the bear, or tie the shoes, or give a clear instruction, or simply settle into the fact that you will be late. Recognize that whatever is going on, it’s not worth losing your sanity over.

Three breaths. One for you. One for your kids. One for the “Now what?”

Over and over again—maybe every morning—we get to discover that we are not the perfect mom. If we are ever tempted to believe that we are, our children will bring us back to reality as they teach us our limitations.

Just remember: life is not about perfection. It’s about practice—the practice of recognizing the grace that’s present in each moment. The grace is always there. We just need to create a little space, a little breathing room, to be aware of it and to let it open us and soften our hearts.

Adapted from Momfulness: Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion, and Grace. Copyright © 2007 by Denise Roy.
    
Denise Roy, LMFT, M.Div., is an award-winning author, a psychotherapist, and a popular speaker. Visit her Web site at www.DeniseRoy.com.