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Guest Blog by
Laura Ramirez
author of
Keepers of the Children
Listen to Laura Ramirez live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday September 23
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)
A two-year old knocks over his cup of juice and it spills onto the hardwood floor. His mother frowns. "Look at what you've done," she hisses, pointing at the cup. "This is the third time today!" The child hangs his head. Something tugs at the mother's heart, but she can't stop herself from sighing heavily, as she bends down to wipe the floor.
Perhaps you've been witness to such a scene or maybe you've been a participant. There are so many things happening in this moment that we need to take a look at it more closely. The first and most important thing to notice is how the mother blames and shames the child. She makes him feel bad about what was most likely an accident. If she thinks she's teaching him responsibility, she's wrong. In fact, the only thing the little boy has learned is that he feels bad about himself. Sure, he may be more careful about spilling in the future, but that will be driven by a sense of shame, rather than responsibility.
This kind of scenario is not unique to parenthood, but extends into our greater culture. When something happens that we don't like, we point a blaming finger. This strikes at the heart of the American allegiance to cause and effect: if something happened, someone must have caused it; therefore, it must be that person's fault. The guilty party must be blamed, shamed and often humiliated publicly. This suffering is part of what the offender must endure in order to make things right. Of course, it feels better to be the accuser, than to stand accused, so righteous indignation fuels the fire and at least partially explains why some people are so quick to blame.
While some crimes must be punished, spilling a glass of juice isn't one of them. Even if it was the child's third spill that day.
As caring parents, we must find alternatives to assigning fault. Contrary to popular belief, a sense of responsibility does not derive from a sense of shame.
About ten years ago, I witnessed a family eating dinner in a restaurant and the way they behaved when their youngest daughter overturned her glass of milk has stayed with me ever since. Without a trace of disapproval, the mother said, "It's okay, sweetie. We'll help you clean it up." Every member of the family grabbed their napkin and wiped until the spill was gone.
This, of course, is key and the essence of responsibility--the ability to respond, no matter what the situation. Think about it for a moment because it's quite profound. Nobody blamed or shamed. No one was left feeling bad. There was no righteous indignation and thus, no drama. Instead, everyone helped clean up the mess. The message sent? It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to be human. When accidents happen, other people will pitch in and help.
What I witnessed that day was humanity in action--people helping people. If you want to teach your child responsibility, then teach him to be responsive to his environment. Model this behavior by acting, rather than reacting. If something happens, whatever it is, ask other family members to help. Show them how quickly messes can be done and over with if everyone lends a helping hand.
For those of you who grew up in families that blamed and shamed as mine did, you'll know that it often takes years to recover from the impact of those wounds. Blame gets internalized as shame. Shame profoundly affects all aspects of your life.
A story about a friend of mine will illustrate how deeply blaming wounds. My friend grew up in a family in which blame and shame were used almost constantly. This resulted in her feeling so ashamed of herself that she imagined that she must have done something horrible. The worst thing that she could imagine was that maybe she'd killed someone. She said that she feared that one day, people would discover what she'd done and she'd be sent to prison. One day when we were discussing this, she realized that what was making her feel like this were all those layers of shame. Her shame had imprisoned her and the person she'd killed had been herself.
Teach the value of responsibility by modelling responsiveness. Above all, remember to be gentle with the souls it is your job to keep.
Laura Ramirez is the author of the award-winning Keepers of the Children: Native American Wisdom and Parenting. She is also the publisher of Family Matters Parenting Magazine which gives insights into the core issues today's parents face. She lives with her husband and two children in the sage-dotted foothills of Northern Nevada. Ms. Ramirez has a degree in psychology and is a motivational speaker.
Guest Blog by
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
author of
Dare to Love: Merging Science & Love In Parenting Children with Difficult Behaviors
& Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control
Listen to Heather T. Forbes live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday September 16
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)
Children need unconditional love and unconditional acceptance from their parents; we all know this and believe this. However, do we ever stop to consider how so many of the traditional parenting techniques accepted in our culture work contrary to this primal goal?
Traditional parenting techniques that involve consequences, controlling directives, and punishment are fear-based and fear-driven. They have the ability to undermine the parent-child relationship and because they are tied into behavior, children easily interpret these actions to mean, “If I’m not good, I am not lovable.” Thus, children often build a subconscious foundation that says that love and approval is based off of performance.
Parenting from a love-based paradigm means going beyond our children’s behavior and beyond consequences to first see that negative behavior is a form of communication and that negative behavior is a response to stress.
If we see the kicking and screaming child as one who is having difficulty regulating due to an overflow of feelings, we can learn to stay present with the child in order to help him modulate these feelings and thus, help him to build his emotional regulatory system. A child kicking and screaming or in a rage is a child who has been "emotionally hijacked". Emotions are not logical or rational ; this hitting and kicking is the body's natural fear reaction gone awry. Allowing a child emotional space to safely dissipate this energy will then allow him to calm down. As we provide reassurance, unconditional love, and emotional presence for our children, the need to kick and scream will disappear. Many times our children kick and scream simply because they do not feel that they are being listened to nor do they feel as if they have been heard. Staying present and reassuring a child that you really are listening to him, can be enough to help them begin to regulate.
The life lesson that kicking and screaming is inappropriate does indeed need to be reinforced. But, this life lesson can only happen once the child is fully regulated (when the child is calm) and his cognitive thinking is intact. This is also the time to present alternatives to kicking and screaming. This is a way of teaching our children instead of punishing them. The definition of discipline is to teach.
The more we can stay focused on the relationship with our child and strengthening this relationship instead of controlling it through consequences, the more we will be helping our child learn to work through their stress appropriately.
Below are four pointers to help you stay in a loving and emotionally open place for your children:
1. Just Be Happy!— But I’m not! Did anyone ever tell you, “Just think happy thoughts and it will be okay.”? Did it really work? Probably not. Emotions do not simply disappear. If feelings are not released and acknowledged, they are stored and become part of our physical make-up. Research has convincingly shown that being able to express feelings like anger and grief can improve survival rates in cancer patients. With our children, feelings that become stored and “stuffed” become activators for negative behaviors.
2. ALL Feelings are Good Feelings - As parents, it is important for us to understand the necessity of emotional expression, both in teaching it to our children and in modeling it to our children. Blocked feelings can inhibit growth, learning, and the building of a trusting relationship between the parent and child. The first step to take is to recognize that ALL emotions are healthy. In our culture, feelings such as joy, peace, and courage are seen as good feelings, yet feelings such as sad, mad, and scared are seen as bad feelings. Let’s rethink this to understand that it is not the feeling itself that creates negativity; it is the lack of expression of the feeling that creates negativity. And in children, this negativity is often expressed through poor behaviors.
3. Getting to the Core of the Behavior – When children are acting out and being defiant, we need to begin to understand that their behaviors are simply a communication of an emotional state that is driving these behaviors. If we simply address the behavior, we miss the opportunity to help children express and understand themselves from a deeper level. Start by modeling basic feeling words to your child. Keep it simple and teach the five basic feeling words: sad, mad, bad, scared, and happy. Even the youngest of children can learn to say, “I’m mad!” When the toddler is throwing his toys or the teenager is throwing his backpack across the room, encourage him at that moment to get to the core of the behavior through emotional expression. Remember…it really isn’t about the toys or the backpack; and they really do know better than to do the negative behaviors.
4. Responding vs. Reacting – So the next time your child becomes defiant, talks back, or is simply “ugly” to you, work to be in a place not to react to the behavior, but respond to your child. Respond to your child in an open way—open to meeting him in his heart and helping him understand the overload of feelings that are driving the behaviors. He doesn’t need a consequence or another parental directive at that moment; he just needs you to be present with him. As your children learn to respond back to you through the parent-child relationship, they won’t have the need to communicate through negative behaviors anymore. You’ll both have more energy for each other, building a relationship that will last a lifetime.
_______________________________________________________________________
Heather Forbes, LCSW, is the co-founder of the Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC. Ms. Forbes has been training in the field of trauma and attachment with nationally recognized, first-generation attachment therapists since 1999. She has been active in the field of adoption with experience ranging from pre-adoption to post-adoption clinical work. Ms. Forbes is an internationally published author, with her most recent book titled, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-based Approach for Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors, endorsed by Sir Richard Bowlby, son of John Bowlby. As a speaker, her passion for families is known throughout the nation. Ms. Forbes consults and coaches both nationally and internationally with families struggling with children with severe behaviors. Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and attachment related issues has come from her direct mothering experience of her two adopted children.
Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC 2008
www.beyondconsequences.com
Guest Blog by
Roberta M. Golinkoff, PhD & Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, PhD,
authors of
Einstein Never Used Flash Cards 
Listen to Roberta Michnick Golinkoff live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday September 9
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)
Why Play = Learning
"Our
children from their earliest years must take part in all the more
lawful forms of play, for if they are not surrounded with such an
atmosphere they can never grow up to be well conducted and virtuous
citizens."
--Plato, The Republic 1 (Note: All citations in the text can be referenced by downloading the article here.)
In sum: Play = Learning. As children move from the sandbox to
the boardroom, play should be the cornerstone of their education. The
research is clear: Playful pedagogy supports social-emotional and
academic strengths while instilling a love of learning.
The study of
play has a long history. From Plato to Kant, from Froebel to Piaget,
philosophers, historians, biologists, psychologists, and educators have
studied this ubiquitous behavior to understand how and why we play.
Even animals play. This fact alone leads researchers like Robert
Fagan,2 a leader in the study of animal play, to speculate that play
must have some adaptive value given the sheer perilousness and energy
cost to growing individuals. Researchers suggest that play is a central
ingredient in learning, allowing children to imitate adult behaviors,
practice motor skills, process emotional events, and learn much about
their world. One thing play is not, is frivolous. Recent research
confirms what Piaget3 always knew, that “play is the work of
childhood.” Both free play and guided play are essential for the
development of academic skills.4, 5
Despite the many
treatises on play, scholars still find the term elusive. Like
Wittgenstein’s definition of game, the word play conjures up multiple
definitions. Researchers generally discuss four types of play although
in practice these often merge:
(a) Object play, the ways in which children explore objects, learn about their properties, and morph them to new functions;
(b) pretend play (either alone or with others), variously referred to as make-believe, fantasy, symbolic play, socio-dramatic play, or dramatic play, where children experiment with different social roles;
(c) physical or rough-and-tumble play, which includes everything from a 6-month-old’s game of peek-a-boo to free play during recess6; and
(d) guided play7 where children actively engage in pleasurable and seemingly spontaneous activities under the subtle direction of adults.
PLAY
Whether play is with objects, involves fantasy and make believe, or centers on physical activity, researchers generally agree that from the child’s point of view, eight features characterize ordinary play. Play is (a) pleasurable and enjoyable, (b) has no extrinsic goals, (c) is spontaneous, (d) involves active engagement, (e) is generally engrossing, (f) often has a private reality, (g) is nonliteral, and (h) can contain a certain element of make-believe.8, 5, 9 Even these criteria for judging play have some fuzzy boundaries.
Key Research Questions
A looming question is whether free play and guided play promote learning or whether they are simply a matter of releasing pent-up energy for young children. And, if play is related to learning, is one form of play more advantageous than another? These issues have dominated the research landscape in the past decade.
Research Context
The findings suggest that both free play and guided play are indeed linked to social and academic development. For example, Pellegrini10 finds that elementary-aged children who enjoy free play during recess return to the classroom more attentive to their work. These children, especially boys, do better in reading and mathematics than do children who did not have recess. Physical play has also been associated with areas of brain development (the frontal lobes) that are responsible for behavioral and cognitive control.1 Indeed, a recent study used guided play throughout a school day to help preschoolers learn how to hold back impulsive behaviors and responses. The so-called executive function skills (attention, problem solving, and inhibition) nurtured in the guided play conditions were related to improvements in mathematics and reading.11
Recent Research on Academic Enhancement Through Play
Academically, then, play is related to reading and math as well as to the important learning processes that feed these competencies. More specifically, there are direct studies connecting play to literacy and language, and to mathematics. By way of example, 4-year-olds’ play—in the form of rhyming games, making shopping lists, and “reading” story books to stuffed animals—predicts both language and reading readiness.12 Research suggests that children demonstrate their most advanced language skills during play, and that these language skills are strongly related to emergent literacy.13, 14 Finally, a review of 12 studies on literacy and play allowed Roskos and Christie15 to conclude that “play provides settings that promote literacy activity, skills, and strategies . . . and can provide opportunities to teach and learn literacy.”
Play and playful learning also supports the burgeoning mathematician. A naturalistic experiment by Seo and Ginsburg16 found that 4- and 5-year-old children build foundational mathematical concepts during free play. Regardless of children’s social class, three categories of mathematical activity were widely prevalent: pattern and shape play (exploration of patterns and spatial forms), magnitude play (statement of magnitude or comparison of two or more items to evaluate relative magnitude) and enumeration play (numerical judgment or quantification). Children’s free play contains the roots of mathematical learning 46% of the time.
A recent study by Ramani and Siegler 17 demonstrated that guided play in the form of playing a board game like Chutes and Ladders also fostered diverse mathematical tasks among lower income preschoolers. Preschoolers who played the game four times for 15- to 20-minute sessions within a 2-week period were better at numerical magnitude (which is bigger), number line estimation, counting, and numeral identification. Finally, Gelman18 found that even children as young as 2.5 and 3 years of age can demonstrate an understanding of the cardinal counting principle--that the last number counted in a set is the amount the set contains. But this skill is only manifest when children are engaged in a playful task.<
Recent Research on Social Enhancement Through Play
Free
play and guided play are also important for fostering social competence
and confidence as well as for self-regulation, or children’s ability to
manage their own behavior and emotions. In free play children learn how
to negotiate with others, to take turns, and to manage themselves and
others.19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 Play is essential for
learning how to make friends and how to get along.
Barnett and
Storm28 also find that play serves as a means for coping with distress.
Indeed, Haight, Black, Jacobsen, and Sheridan29 demonstrated that
children who have been traumatized can use pretend play with their
mothers to work through their problems. Taken together, social
competencies such as friendship and coping serve as building blocks for
school readiness and academic learning. Raver23 concluded that “from
the last two decades of research, it is unequivocally clear that
children’s emotional and behavioral adjustment is important for their
chances of early school success.” It is through play that children
learn to subordinate desires to social rules, cooperate with others
willingly, and engage in socially appropriate behavior—behaviors vital
to adjusting well to the demands of school.
Conclusions
The datas are clear. Play and guided play offer strong support for academic and social learning. In fact, comparisons of preschools that use playful, child-centered approaches versus less playful, more teacher-directed approaches reveal that children in the child-centered approaches do better in tests of reading, language, writing, and mathematics.30 More engaging and interesting environments for children foster better learning well into elementary school.31, 30
Given the findings linking play and learning, it is perhaps shocking that play has been devalued in our culture. Play has become a 4-letter word that often represents the opposite of productive work. A recent report from Elkind32 suggests that in the last few years, 30,000 schools have dropped recess to make more room for academic learning. From 1997 to 2003, children’s time spent in outdoor play fell 50%. In the last 20 years, children have lost over 8 hours of discretionary playtime per week. Why? Because many do not realize that play and learning are inextricably intertwined. When children play they are learning. Children who engage in play and playful learning do better in academic subjects than do their peers who play less.
The work cementing this relationship, however, is just beginning to emerge and, at this point, relationships between play and learning are largely based on correlational evidence. In the next decade, we must do more
to compare the relationship of play to the learning of academic and social outcomes in controlled and empirical ways.
Implications
Play is, thus, central for school readiness and school performance. It might also play an important role in preparing children for the global world beyond the classroom. Business leaders suggest that in the knowledge age, success will depend on children having a toolkit of skills that include collaboration (teamwork, social competence), content (e.g., reading, math, science, history), communication (oral and written), creative innovation, and confidence (taking risks and learning from failure). Each of these “Five Cs” is nurtured in playful learning.
In sum: Play = Learning. As children move from the sandbox to the boardroom, play should be the cornerstone of their education. The research is clear: Playful pedagogy supports social-emotional and academic strengths while instilling a love of learning.
Copyright © 2008
This article is funded
by the Centre of Excellence for Early Childhood Development and the
Canadian Council on Learning’s Early Childhood Learning Knowledge
Centre.
To cite this document:
Hirsh-Pasek
K, Golinkoff RM. Why play=learning. In: Tremblay RE, Barr RG, Peters
RDeV, Boivin M, eds. Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development
[online]. Montreal, Quebec: Centre of Excellence for Early Childhood
Development; 2008:1-7. Available at:
http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/documents/Hirsh-Pasek-GolinkoffANGxp.pdf.
Accessed [insert date].
Roberta Michnick Golinkoff holds the H. Rodney Sharp Chair in the School of Education at the University of Delaware and is also a member of the Departments of Psychology and Linguistics. An author of twelve books and numerous professional articles, she founded and directs the Infant Language Project, whose goal it is to understand how children tackle the amazing feat of learning language. The recipient of a prestigious John Simon Guggenheim Fellowship, and a James McKeen Cattell Sabbatical award, she is frequently quoted in newspapers and magazines and has appeared on Good Morning America and many regional morning shows. Dr. Golinkoff also speaks at conferences and for organizations around the world about children’s development.
Guest Blog by Sandy Blackard
author of
SAY
WHAT YOU SEE
Listen to Sandy Blackard live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday August 19
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)
Simple Parenting for Empowering Your Kids
On a family stay-cation you might not spend much time in
the car, but you are still likely to hit some bumpy roads, like those
annoying little arguments between kids. How to resolve them? Empower
the kids to do it themselves with SAY WHAT YOU SEE®. Say what you see
objectively first. Then when you see something you like, name that strength; when you see something you don’t, offer a can-do.
Adding Can-Dos and Strengths
Even little kids can solve their own problems. If they argue over
control of a toy or who gets to sit in the chair (that just became "THE
CHAIR" by virtue of the other child sitting in it), you might want to
hang back a minute like a roadwork flagman to see where it’s heading.
Kids sometimes find ways to resolve their own arguments when you add a
little can-do, like “Must be something you can do to make this work.”
Then you can wave them on by saying what you see
and adding a strength, like "You two just found a way to work that out.
That shows you are problem-solvers." Shifting beliefs makes for
smoother roads next time.
Say What You See and Ask “When?”
If they are still learning to take turns or share, you can lay out a
route starting with “When?" Just say what you see to state the problem
objectively and then respectfully ask when
the child will be done. For example, you would say to the waiting child
(Joey), "She has the chair and you want it." Then turn to the child in
the chair (Janie) and ask, "When will you be done?" Kids find it easier to wait if they know they will get something and when.
If the problem has escalated to yelling or hitting, flag them down with
a big noise like "Whoa-ho! Sounds like something’s really wrong here!”
To stay off the road repair crew, just listen, nod and restate each
child’s side of the story without blaming, criticizing or trying to fix
it. After both kids feel fully heard, say what you see and ask when as above.
Letting Janie establish when can meet her need for
control. If she doesn’t tell time yet, you can offer a can-do of five
or 10 counts. If she agrees to 10 or chooses a bigger number like 20,
she will usually turn over the chair, even if the last count is a long,
drawn out "T-w-e-n-n-n-n-n-t-y." Then if she wants another turn later,
you ask Joey the same thing, "When will you be done?"
With little ones, this can get funny. If Joey can only count to five,
he will pick five and be perfectly happy regardless of Janie’s 20. This
just shows that getting to say when is more important than the amount of time in the chair. Get it? Kids know what they need better than we do.
Grant Control and Name Strengths
If Janie’s answer to “When?” is "Never!" you know she needs more than a
count of 20 to feel powerful enough to release the chair, so you change
routes. This time you grant her complete control of the chair for the
day and give Joey control of something else. Because children want control more than the object,
when you grant full control, they are likely to be done within minutes
and inviting others into their chair, which paves the way to the hidden
strength: "You found a way to share!"
However, older kids who already believe they are selfish might take
longer. Particularly at home with siblings, if one child finds it hard
to share a certain thing with the other, say, "There must be something
else you can share." Granting control over some things is often enough
to allow a child to share others. There are so few ways children get to
be in control, allowing them to keep some things just for themselves is
a great way to help them feel powerful enough to experience their
generosity, which you then get to point out as a strength. When you shift beliefs, you empower children permanently. Smooth roads ahead!
Sandy Blackard, parent, instructor and founder of Language of Listening ®,
has a unique ability to help adults see the world the way children see
it and make sense of what they think and do. She is the author of SAY WHAT YOU SEE® for Parents and Teachers and coauthor of Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Manual
with Drs. Landreth, Bratton and Kellam. Sandy has provided insightful
training for parents, teachers and other adults for more than 10 years
using her simple but profound approach. Watch video clips, read the
book, connect to her blog at: www.languageoflistening.com.
Guest Blog by Stacey Kannenberg
author of
Let's Get Ready for Kindergarten!
and Let's Get Ready for First Grade! 
Listen to Stacey Kannenberg live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday August 12
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)
Homework for Parents
Stop, Drop, and Listen!
Unload the backpack/homework folder with your kids daily.
Read with your kids every night for 15 minutes.
Play repetitive games with your kids.
Ask open ended questions to help your kids communicate.
Be involved in school activities and join your PTA/PTO!
7 Things Kindergarteners Need to Know
At the beginning of the school year, kids will be asked to:
1. know the uppercase alphabet and name the letters out of sequence or mixed up, such as: B, D, X, K, J, M, O, etc.
2. know the numbers to 10 and identify the numbers out of sequence or mixed up, such as: 2, 5, 9, 8, 1, 3, 4, etc.
3. identify basic colors: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple.
4. identify basic shapes: circle, diamond, rectangle, triangle, oval, and square.
5. identify basic coins: penny, nickel, and dime.
6. count objects to 10.
7. show how far they can count toward 100.
During the year, Kindergarteners will need to know…
• both upper and lower case letters, in order and out of sequence
• numbers to 30, in order and out of sequence
• more colors and shapes, including hexagon and octagon
• more coins, such as quarter and dollar
• their name, address, and phone number
• how to get dressed themselves for outside play
• how to use the bathroom independently
…in order to make that first year a success!
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