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“Dr. Laura -- I tried the advice you gave in your daily inspiration this morning to snuggle with my son, who is four and often seems angry since his brother was born. At first it was great, he was giggling. Then he started to hit me. He wasn’t playing, he seemed actually really mad at me. I didn’t know what to do, so I held his hand and said “I won’t let you hit me. I see you’re mad.” Then he started to cry. Why did this happen when I was being so nice and trying to be close to him? What should I have done?” -- Katie
What Katie did was perfect. He helped her son feel safe enough to show her his upset feelings. He showed her these feelings by hitting her. She acknowledged his anger while limiting his acting on it. That allowed him to go under the anger to the sadness that always causes anger. It was precisely because she was "so nice and close" that this drama unfolded. The good news is, this was good for her son, and he is feeling much happier and more cooperative today after his chance to express his sadness to his mom. Their relationship is closer. He doesn't feel his usual anger about the baby.
Sometimes kids store up jealousy, anger, and other feelings they don't feel comfortable expressing. These feelings disconnect them from us, so they can't take in the love we're offering. They become difficult and argumentative.
When we initiate closeness with our child, it brings up their longing for closeness – and all those angry or sad feelings that are in the way! So when you snuggle, your child may begin crying or raging. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. It means your child wants to accept the love you’re offering, and needs your help to let those feelings go that are in his way. So your child may have some emotional venting to do before he can connect with you.
This is one of the great benefits of connection time with our kids. They show us what’s happening and ask for our help to work it through. Often this happens when we play with our kids, and the tense feelings can be released through giggling. Sometimes your child will begin talking about her upset. If this happens, we just need to resist the urge to argue or fix the problem. Instead, we can listen closely and empathize, so she feels understood.
But what if your child shows you feelings that are bothering him by acting sad or mad, or starting to hit you, as Katie’s son did? He's asking for your help to face his feelings and let them go. You might say:
"You were giggling a lot, but now you seem sad. Don't worry. Everyone is sad sometimes. I will stay right here and hold you while you're sad."
Or "All of a sudden you seem angry. You're showing me that you have some mad feelings. That's ok. Everyone gets mad sometimes. I can hold this pillow for you to hit, or you can tell me about being mad."
Then just listen, whether your child is using words, tears, or pillow punching to express his feelings. If he tries to hit you, hold his hands gently but firmly and say, “I won’t let you hurt you me. Don’t worry, I will be right here and you can show me how upset you are.” He may well struggle against you, which kids seem to need to express their anger --- but hold him as gently as possible, and it’s fine to let go if he isn’t trying to hit you. You're not trying to "contain" or "provoke" him, You're trying to give him a safe place to express his feelings, whatever they are. Just stay close and speak calmly. Breathe, don't take it personally, and just be there for your child.
After he has a chance to vent, you'll find he's relieved, much happier and more connected to you. And ready for that loving snuggle!
"Ten
minutes of play up front will save you a half hour of nagging on the
back end...Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep
emotional bond between parent and child." -- Dr. Lawrence Cohen
Have things been tense around your house lately? Wondering how to interrupt the cycle of whining, dawdling, nagging,
yelling? Tired of working so hard to stay patient when you're
exhausted? Want an easy way to lift the mood and reconnect with your
kid?
Parenting isn't supposed to be so hard.
And when everyone in a family feels good about themselves and close to
each other, it isn't. But all families get off track sometimes. The answer is to stop working so hard, and start playing! There's nothing like play to ease tension and create closeness. How?
1. Get goofy and get the giggles going. Young
children love the incongruity of funny voices. And they're still
learning to manage their own bodies, so they find it hilarious when
grownups fall down. Giggling is as good as crying to let off tension --
and lots more fun! (The only caveat -- don't tickle kids unless they
ask you, and then keep it mild. Tickling may produce involuntary
giggles, but it creates a sense of physical powerlessness you don't
want to force on your child.)
2. Get your energy going with a chase game. Chase your child
but bumble so much you can't catch him, or catch him briefly but let
him get away. Emphasize your incompetence by loudly announcing your
prowess: "I'm a superhero. Nobody gets away from me!" --
then trip and fall down! Or let your child chase you, and allow
yourself to be easily caught as you brag. Kids feel small, incompetent
and powerless much of the time. Turning the tables helps them release
anxiety and feel better about themselves.
3. Defuse aggression with a pillow fight.
Toddler hitting you or the baby? Preschooler whacking playmates?
Siblings squabbling? Teenager ignoring you? The answer is mock
aggression in the form of a pillow fight. Show your teen you can still have fun together by dumping pillows on her head (gently) as you issue a pillow-dueling challenge. Get
the kids to bond by teaming up against you. Let your preschooler
experiment with aggression by hitting the pillow while you hold it up
in front of you. Help your toddler feel powerful by clobbering you with
the pillow while you try to escape, howling in mock terror. End the
pillow fight by submitting (with loud protest) to your child's powerful
pillow-fighting skills and collapsing together for big hugs and
snuggles.
After fifteen minutes of play, you'll be
amazed how your child cooperates for the rest of the evening. And how
much sweeter parenting feels to you.

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