Parenting Blog

"Appreciation and self-love are the most important tools that you could ever nurture. Appreciation of others, and the appreciation of yourself, is the closest vibrational match to your Source Energy of anything that we've ever witnessed anywhere in the universe." -- Abraham-Hicks

What do you do well as a parent?  Make a list. In writing, if you can.  But at least in your mind, right now.  Keep going until you have at least ten things.  Better yet, 20. 

Now give yourself credit for that list. I know, you're not perfect. Join the club.  But just for this minute, give yourself total appreciation for all the things you do right as a parent.  All those things no one else ever even notices. Savor that feeling. 

Now, for the rest of the day, every time you see yourself acting toward your child in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, give yourself an internal hug or a high five.

The times you don't feel so good about?  Let them go and move on to better interactions.

I guarantee you'll feel better and better throughout the day.  And so will your kids.

"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied. Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...."-- Katrina Kenison

All of us have needs that are never satisfied, as do our children.  Some of them we can name:  An hour alone to chill out.  A bit more money to make ends meet. More help around the house.

Our deeper needs -- which feed our souls -- may be more elusive: More meaning. More aliveness. More connection.

Kids can't name their deepest needs:

• To have all of who they are be truly seen and appreciated -- even the "bad" parts.
• To know their parents adore them and love to care for them.
• More relaxed, playful, unstructured, affirming time with each parent.

They can’t name these things, but when they're hungry for them, they don't thrive. They seem unhappy, uncooperative, whiny, insatiable.  Nothing feels like enough to them. So they demand more, more, and more. More time before bedtime.  More treats than their sibling.  More material possessions.  But more of what we didn't really need to begin with can never fill our deepest desires.

Not meeting our family’s deepest needs is like starving our children – and ourselves.

Do you suspect your child has unsatisfied needs?  What could they be?  How could you attend to them?

What need do you have that is crying out for deeper fulfillment?

How could you change things in your family life to better nourish your own and your children's souls this weekend -- and every day?

"Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it." -- William Feather

Do you postpone joy?

You know what I mean. Sidestep your spouse’s kiss because you have to get the kids up for school? Hurry your child along the sidewalk when she’s doing her dance steps? Refuse your kids’ invitation to a snowball fight? Turn away from the sunset because you have to fix dinner? Miss out on reading to your kids now that they can read their own bedtime stories? Wish you could take a bubble bath but check your email instead?

We’re all guilty of taking the joy that pours into our lives for granted. We let it slip right through our fingers, in the name of efficiency and responsibility.

But what if reveling in that joy is part of what makes you a more inspired parent?  What if you and your spouse need those kisses to stay connected so you’re a better parenting team?  What if enjoying your daughter’s dancing on the sidewalk helps her start the day basking in your love?  What if that snowball fight is just what you need to defuse tension and re-connect with your kid?  What if those bedtime stories give your child the much-needed message that you’ll always be there for a snuggle, no matter how old she gets?  What if that bubble bath would help you be a more patient parent tomorrow? What if you never know which sunset is your last?

Would you do anything differently?
Why not start today?

“Before the plane takes off, the pilots have a flight plan…but during the course of the flight, wind, rain, turbulence, air traffic, human error, and other factors act on that plane…90% of the time the plane is not even on the prescribed flight path...During the flight, the pilots make constant adjustments to get back on track. The flight of that airplane is the perfect metaphor for family life…it doesn’t make any difference if we are off target or even if our family is a mess. The hope lies in the vision and in the plan and in the courage to keep coming back time and time again.” – Stephen Covey

You may have noticed that you aren’t perfect. That sometimes you aren’t the parent or the person you want to be. Welcome to humanity.  Sometimes you blow it.  We all do.

The bad news is that even if we’re committed to showing up with love for ourselves and others, life happens. We get disconnected -- from our spouse, our child, our own deepest guidance. There’s no magic that keeps us on the right path. In fact, all relationships are a constant series of connections and disconnections, missteps and course corrections.

The good news is that the journey of our life is woven from the individual steps we take every single day. The faster we notice those actions that are taking us in the wrong direction, the easier it is to course correct.

The even better news is that our sincere course corrections actually strengthen our relationships. Every time you re-connect with your baby or child, you teach trust. Every time you choose love over anger, you role model forgiving yourself and others. Every time you reach across a divide between you and your loved one, you testify to the boundlessness of your love, your commitment that "There ain't no river wide enough" to keep your love from getting through.

So don't worry about having been on the wrong path. Start where you are, and course correct. How?

1. When you make a mistake. Join the club! Greet it as an opportunity to learn and change, rather than beat yourself up. You'll find it's a lot easier to stick to your plan to do better when you let go of the tears and recriminations and focus instead on forgiving yourself. Like our kids, we do better when we feel better.

2. When you don't know how to get through to your kid.  Consider that he may be feeling disconnected from you. That's often the source of kids' misbehavior.  Before you worry about correcting his behavior, find a way to reconnect.  Appreciate something very specific about his behavior. Do something nice for him. Play with him, focusing all your attention. Seize every chance to snuggle, listen and empathize.

3. When you need to help your child course correct.  It's completely possible to deepen your connection with your child while helping her course-correct.  In fact, that's what inspired parenting is all about.  Misbehavior is your child's way of signaling that she needs your help. That's why conventional discipline doesn't produce emotionally healthy kids who are naturally considerate and responsible -- because it weakens the parent-child bond. The secret? Set all limits with empathy.

4. When you don't like the path you're on. There's no reason to keep going in a direction that's taking you away from your desired destination. Luckily, when we change, the world around us somehow transforms too. Start by making sure your cup is full, so you have the inner resources to show up as your best self. Then, whenever you notice a misstep, just stop.  Breathe, say thank you for the awareness, and change course. Two steps forward and one step back still takes you where you want to go.  Pretty soon, you'll find yourself in a whole new landscape.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
-- Maria Robinson

You're making history, right now.  When your kid looks back, this will be the childhood he remembers.  The foundation of everything she accomplishes in the world.

Our kids will remember little of what we say to them.  The memories that color their lives will be about how we made them feel.  They'll be living those, every day.

How we feel about ourselves and the world comes from our experience of life when we're quite young.  Are we good enough?  Lovable enough so that other people come through for us?  Are we competent?  Can we find help and comfort when we need it?  Is it a friendly world, or a lonely one?

By the time kids are six, we can see their beliefs about themselves and about us in the way they act.  Age-appropriate developmental challenges are fine; recurring unhappiness is a call for help. That gives us only about five more years to help our child rewire those feelings.  While it's never too late, it's much harder to influence them once they hit puberty and begin looking elsewhere for love.

Can you look ahead in your child's story and see the happy ending?  Feel that gratitude.
If you can't, now's the time to transform yourself into a fairy godmother.