Parenting Blog

“If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.” --
Dr. Haim Ginott

Kids have antenna.  Whenever you lower your voice to speak to someone else, their ears perk up.  And if they hear their name, their attention is riveted.

Kids know we say things to them for effect, whether positive or negative.  Their defenses go up and they may not trust our intentions.  Are they being manipulated?

But when they hear us saying nice things about them to someone else, there's no filter.  They assume it's true.  And they live up (or down) to what they hear.

Any specific traits you want to encourage?  Say nice things about how your child is developing those traits, not to him but within his hearing.  Recognize any progress at all in the right direction.

"He's so determined when he works on a project. He takes a break and then keeps coming back to it."
"She's getting to be so good with her little brother.  You should have seen how patient she was when...."
"You won't believe what a great reader he's becoming. He spends more and more time reading these days."
"She's a whiz with numbers."
"He's growing up and becoming so responsible. He barely needs to be reminded to..."
"She's so helpful and considerate.  Why just today, she...."  READ POST

"The main difference between a master and a beginner is that the master practices more." -- Yasha Heifetz, Master Violinist

You've probably noticed that things work better with your kids when you're in a good mood. At least half of the time when we get irritated, annoyed, impatient, or frustrated at our kids, it's because we're already feeling unhappy.  Then there's a spark, our bad mood flares, and before we know it we're in the middle of a firestorm.

The other half of the time our anger is "justified" in the sense that  our kids may well act in ways that trigger us.  But that's only true if we see ourselves in opposition to our child.  The truth is, we're on the same side.  Our job is to nurture and guide, theirs is to grow and learn.  We're not really raising children -- we're raising adults.  If we can take that long view, we're more likely to remember that when our kids trigger us, we have an opportunity to teach them many things.   READ POST

"For people who won the lottery -- and a lot people think that's the golden ticket to happiness -- within a year of winning the lottery, they've returned to their original happiness set-point level. Shockingly, the same was also true of people who became paraplegic. Even when bad things happen, within a year they had returned to their original happiness set-point. The really important thing is our happiness set-point. That set-point is 50% genetic, so you're born with that. It's only 10% based on your circumstances, and the other 40%, which is the part we can really do something about, is based on our habits of thought and behavior. Just like you can raise the thermostat at home to get warm on a cold day, you can actually raise your happiness set-point to become happier, and you don't have to become thinner, richer, or smarter to do it." -- Marci Shimoff

Did you know that we all have a happiness set-point, and no matter what happens to us, we tend to hover around the same happiness level for our whole adult lives?

But we can change our set point. Research shows that we can develop constructive habits that create happiness: managing our moods, positive self-talk, finding joy in daily details, practicing gratitude, cultivating optimism, connecting with others. Note that most of this is about managing our thoughts and attitudes.  Since all emotion is stimulated by our thoughts, we can change how we feel just by changing our thoughts.  

Sound hard?  No harder than playing the piano. Like any other skill, it takes daily practice.  In the beginning, you'll have to work hard to get anything that sounds like music, but in a year, you won't believe how much happier you are.  So why not start being happier right now?    READ POST

"Your success or failure in anything, large or small, will depend on your programming, what you accept from others and what you say when you talk to yourself...It makes no difference whether you believe it or not.  The brain simply believes what you tell it most." -- Richard Helmstetter, Ph.D.  READ POST

“The act of radical acceptance... requires us to go beyond what we thought were our limitations.  It requires us to embrace what may not be easy for us to accept ....Is there a way to change how we experience the hair-pulling challenges of mothering?  Can we truly alter our feelings in the midst of the supermarket trip from hell? …There is always another way to see the situation, a way that potentially offers greater peace, comfort, acceptance, and balance than our initial response.”  -- Bethany Casarjian, Ph.D. & Diane H. Dillon, Ph.D.

Michele had had a hard day.  In fact, a hard week.  She was depleted, at the end of her rope. It was bedtime and she was putting three kids to bed. She left her three year old in his room reading quietly.  Then,
 
"I went into his room and I notice that he has pulled a picture of a bird out of his pop-up book and is standing on his bed trying to fasten it to the tree that's painted on his wall. My first reaction was just irritation and all I wanted to do was scream at him. Didn't he know that this was just the last thing I needed?! Wasn't he supposed to be reading?! Ugg! My second reaction was this. I calmly asked him to give me the bird. (tough) He did and I just took it along with the book and put it in the hall. When I came back he was sitting there trying to figure out what I was going to do. I will freely admit that there are days when I would have yelled. I told him that I loved him and it was time for bed. We did our normal routine for bed with reading and saying good night without any strife." -- Michele

YES!! Go Michele!!

I admit that from my calm perspective reading this, Michele's kid doesn't look so naughty to me.  I'm tickled by his creativity in putting the bird in the tree. On a good day, I'd have helped him with the tape. (I figure kids need to be able to put things on at least one of their walls.  When they're 14, they can help us repaint them. And a mural of a tree is just waiting for a bird.)

But on a bad day, anything can push us over the edge.  We told him to read quietly and here he is standing up, destroying a book and the wall, breaking the rules, whatever.  We feel so put upon that we feel completely justified exploding at our kid.  We may even be able to admit that we're itching for a fight, just to let off all that tension, just to feel less victimized.

But yelling never solves the problem.  It's always bad for our child.  It always makes things worse. 

So next time you're in this situation, let Michele be your inspiration. Here are your five steps to avert a meltdown.

1. Stop. Take a deep breath.

2. Remind yourself that there is no emergency. You don't need to go into fight or flight mode. Your child is not the enemy and is not victimizing you.

3. Try to see the situation from your child's perspective. Have you ever noticed that when you look at a situation from the other person’s perspective your anger melts away?

4. Set any necessary limits with as much empathy as possible. Postpone any discipline.

5. Later, consider whether there are any changes you can make that would make things work better.  Start the bedtime routine earlier?  Make a rule about books, or walls, or standing up in bed? Go to sleep earlier yourself so you aren't so depleted tomorrow evening at bedtime?  Whatever, see if there is some positive action you can take to prevent a replay.  READ POST

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."  --  Virginia Satir  READ POST