Parenting Blog

“If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging."
-- Diane Loomans
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"The darkness of the whole world cannot swallow the glowing of a candle."
-- Robert Altinger

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!" -- Harry Dixon Loes

Happy December 18th!

Today is the last day of Chanuka, the festival of lights, which celebrates miracles and faith.  Monday marks the Winter Solstice, signaling the turning of the seasons and the daily increase in the gift of sunlight.
 
Today we celebrate the miracle of faith.
Faith that the oil will keep burning.
Faith that the sun will soon gift us with its presence for a little longer each day.
Faith that your children will grow and thrive.
Faith that these children were sent to your arms for a reason.
Faith that you have it in you to be the best parent possible to your child.
Faith that you are more than enough.

Today, revel in the miracle of faith
And fill your cup all day long
With gratitude
For all the miracles in your life
and let your light shine!

May your day be filled with miracles, large and small.  READ POST

“Although few parents purposely raise their children to lead lives of quiet desperation, the parent who raises her child without taking the time to know his heart may discover that she unwittingly led him straight down this path.” – Laura Ramirez

I shouldn’t have to remind my children to do what’s right. They should know by now.

Of course. But knowing what’s right and wanting to do what’s right are two different things.

My children should WANT do right. Their good intentions should win out over their darker impulses.

Of course. But do yours, always?  How long did it take you to WANT to do right? Do you ALWAYS do right?

But I’ve taught my children what’s right. Why can’t they do what I say?

Because for us humans to do right, our hearts need to WANT to.  That's the secret of free will -- it starts in the heart. The more unhappy your child’s heart, the more unhappy her behavior.

Why’s her heart so unhappy?  She knows I love her. What’s her problem?

Human hearts are 100% a product of our experiences in the world, which aren’t wholly positive, even for the luckiest person. Who among us feels 100% lovable, that we’re more than enough, exactly as we are?

How do I change my child’s heart, then?

By embracing your child and accepting him exactly as he is. Stop sending him the message that he has to change to be ok.  Once his heart stops struggling for a foothold, it can relax into love.  Humans who feel good about themselves WANT to do right.

I don’t have time for all this “heart” stuff. Why can’t my kid just behave?

Your kid can “just behave,” as soon as his heart can choose love. Your choice is to help that process, or hinder it. We don’t have to like the way humans are built, but like ignoring the laws of gravity, ignoring the way humans are put together doesn't give us the best results.

I think kids should just behave. 

As a parent, I often do too.  But as a mentor to my children, I want the best long-term result, not the best short-term result. That comes from going beyond the behavior to the heart.   READ POST

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players..." -- William Shakespeare

The problem with parenting is that we don't get any prep time. We're always on stage, performing for an audience that responds to our every off-hand word or motion. We learn our lines as we go, improvising, no sooner mastering one cue than it's replaced by a new one. We spend the entire play just trying to get ahead of the action enough to think about what to do next.  But before we know it, the play is over and our little audience has grown up and gone on with their lives. Yell as we might, we're off their stage. Our chance to impact them is over.

Sound bleak?  Not really. The silver lining is that we can always rewrite the script to create the home of our dreams. The key is making time to reflect throughout the action. That's the only way to notice the places where we keep stumbling, so we can come up with ideas to course correct.

For instance, try visualizing. In a quiet moment, consider the last time you felt you blew your lines on the stage of parenting. What were the cues from your child or other players that set you off?  Visualize how you want to react the next time this happens.  Let it play out in your mind with you as the hero or heroine.  How do you handle the situation? How do you look? What do you say? How does your child react? How does it help your relationship with your child?

Visualize your new part and feel it in your bones. Practice your new lines. Next time you get this cue, take a deep breath and step into your new character. 

And if you try it and trip?  Adjust your scenario, visualize, and try again.  Practice makes perfect.  Why not write the story you long to live?  READ POST

"Do you run through each day on the fly?  When you ask "How are you?" do you hear the reply?
When the day is done do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?
You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last.

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow"  and in your haste, not see his sorrow?
When you run so fast to get somewhere, you miss half the fun of getting there
When you worry and hurry through your day, it’s like an unopened gift...Thrown away.
Life is not a race.  Do take it slower.
Hear the music
Before the song is over."
-- Dr. David L. Weatherford

Most people with grown children say they wish they'd been closer to their kids.  Most parents of teens say they wish they'd had more "important" conversations with their kids when they were younger and more willing to listen to their parents' views.

It's never too late to repair and rejuvenate your relationship with your child.  And it's never too early to start building the kind of relationship with your child that you'll both treasure for the rest of your lives.

How?

1. Place a premium on relationships in your family.  Make it an inviolate rule to turn off your cell phone when you're with your kids.  I promise the world will not fall apart and you can check your messages later.  Have dinner at the table where you can talk with each other rather than in front of the TV.  Make Friday night into Family Game night and have fun together instead of sitting in a darkened living room or movie theater watching a screen.

2. Every child needs "connection time" with each parent, each and every day.  With toddlers, connection time is floortime, when you get down on the floor with them, in their space and in sync with their energy level, and connect in their world, whether it's building a train track or playing pretend.  When they're ten, connection time will probably take the form of snuggling with them at bedtime while you chat about their day at school or their favorite song.  The point is to give each child at least fifteen minutes of unstructured, non-directive time to connect physically and share what's on their mind, every single day. (Those nice things you do with them like bake cookies or help with homework are structured time, so they're great but don't count toward connection time.)

3. Remember the 5 to 1 ratio.  Try as we might, all of us sometimes have less than optimal interactions with our children. Research shows that each interaction that leaves anyone feeling bad requires five positive interactions to restore a positive valence to the relationship. These can be little – a warm smile or a pat on the shoulder – as long as you make sure they have a positive impact.   READ POST

"You are a great wizard. You can use your powers to practice white magic on yourself instead of the other kind. The most basic way to do that is to concentrate on naming, savoring, and feeling gratitude for the blessings you do have -- your love for your kid, the pleasures of eating the food you like, the sight of the sky at dusk, the entertaining drama of your unique fate. Don't ignore the bad stuff, but make a point of celebrating the beautiful stuff with all the exuberant devotion you can muster."  -- Rob Brezsny   READ POST

"No amount of 'parenting skills' can make up for the lack of a close parent-child relationship. Kids accept our guidance because of who we are to them. Without that relationship, it’s very hard to parent. A close bond not only makes our kids want to please us, it gives us access to our natural parenting know-how. Welcome to the work of parenting.  But it's where the rewards are, too." -- Dr. Laura Markham  READ POST