Parenting Blog

"For people who won the lottery -- and a lot people think that's the golden ticket to happiness -- within a year of winning the lottery, they've returned to their original happiness set-point level. Shockingly, the same was also true of people who became paraplegic. Even when bad things happen, within a year they had returned to their original happiness set-point. The really important thing is our happiness set-point. That set-point is 50% genetic, so you're born with that. It's only 10% based on your circumstances, and the other 40%, which is the part we can really do something about, is based on our habits of thought and behavior. Just like you can raise the thermostat at home to get warm on a cold day, you can actually raise your happiness set-point to become happier, and you don't have to become thinner, richer, or smarter to do it." -- Marci Shimoff

Did you know that we all have a happiness set-point, and no matter what happens to us, we tend to hover around the same happiness level for our whole adult lives?

But we can change our set point. Research shows that we can develop constructive habits that create happiness: managing our moods, positive self-talk, finding joy in daily details, practicing gratitude, cultivating optimism, connecting with others. Note that most of this is about managing our thoughts and attitudes.  Since all emotion is stimulated by our thoughts, we can change how we feel just by changing our thoughts.  

Sound hard?  No harder than playing the piano. Like any other skill, it takes daily practice.  In the beginning, you'll have to work hard to get anything that sounds like music, but in a year, you won't believe how much happier you are.  So why not start being happier right now? 

1. Smile! Smiling makes us happier, even when we force it. The feedback from our facial muscles informs us that we’re happy, and immediately improves our mood. Not to mention the moods of those around us, and that feedback loop uplifts everyone.

2. Find a positive thought and focus on it. It won't make "unhappy" things go away, but it will increase your sense of well-being -- and therefore your ability to deal with difficulties more resourcefully.  Whenever you notice you're in a bad mood, offer yourself some tenderness and wallow in the sadness or other feelings for a few minutes -- really let yourself feel them.  Then, consciously move on.  Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you can always revisit these feelings later, and find something positive to look forward to.

3. Count your blessings.  Research shows that people who make a habit of cultivating gratitude raise their happiness set-point.  One easy way is to come up with at least three things you're grateful for every night before you go to sleep and every morning before you get out of bed.  But you can use gratitude to change your mood all day long.  Instead of "These kids are driving me crazy with all their noise!" how about "I'm so glad my kids are healthy and exuberant.  Now, how can I help them find a good outlet for all that energy?"

4. Get your energy going.  Nothing lifts my mood like a pillow fight with my kids. Or you could try an impromptu game where you try to take off each others' socks.  Any physical activity gets your endorphins going and improves your mood.  If it includes a nice connection with other people, it's even more effective.

5. Laugh. The old saying that laughter is the best medicine turns out to be true. The more we laugh, the happier we are! So the next time you and your child want to shake off the doldrums, how about a Marx brothers movie marathon? 

Want more ideas on how to reset your happiness set point?  Want to help your child get happier too?  (Happier kids make for happier parents!) Check out my article Teaching Your Child the Art of Happiness.  

"What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens." -- Thaddeus Golas

Today we're wrapping up our exploration of 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person -- in 2010.  The 10th commitment:

Keep Perspective.

I know, it's easier said than done. It's simply impossible to see the larger landscape when we're down in the swamps. And every parents finds him or herself in the swamp sometimes.

But if we can just step back, we realize that things are actually hopeful. Start with the fact that you have this child, while there are people all over the world yearning for a child -- or, worse yet, for one they've lost. Notice how you've been transformed into a more loving, patient, responsible, joyful person just by being their parent.  Then consider the sheer joy and aliveness your child brings into your life.

Parents have always wondered how such immature creatures could grow up right.  As Socrates said,"Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers." But kids have an uncanny way of surviving all odds and coming out ok, most of the time. As long as you and your child are both alive, it's never too late to heal and grow together.

How can you remember all this when you're in the swamp?

1. Resolve to use every upset as a trigger, a reminder to shift gears. Repeat a mantra that reminds you of what's important, breathe deeply to calm yourself, or just take a timeout to calm down.  In the beginning, you'll be interrupting your tantrum mid-yell. That's ok.  Stop and leave the room. Soon you'll be able to course correct before you open your mouth.
 
2. Find sustainable ways to stay centered.  Exercise, meditation, writing in a journal -- whatever works for you. Do it every day, like brushing your teeth, and for the same reason (It keeps you healthy. And without it, the world doesn't see the best of you.)

3. Consciously wean yourself off stress and delete it from your life.  Stress is not necessary; it's an addiction.  Miserable for your family, shortens your life, makes you fat, and it's impossible to be an inspired parent when you're stressed.

4. Fake it till you make it. Research shows that when we smile, our mood improves. When we speak in a loving voice, we begin to feel more tender. Our child responds to our patience with affection, and before we know it, we're out of the swamp.

5. Remember that it's all small stuff. In the long run, only love matters.

Sure, your kids will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no prefect families.  But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives.

The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction.  It's not magic, just the hard work of course correction to stay on the right path.  But if you look for it, you can always find trailmarks and support to beckon you onward to a more rewarding life. 

Just keep taking positive steps. Before you know it, you'll find your self in a whole new landscape.

“You can complain because roses have thorns; or you can rejoice because thorns have roses”—Ziggy

"The opposite of complaining is gratitude. We should talk about things we are thankful for rather than things we are unhappy about. Our minds are like steering wheels, they take us in the direction we point them. If we focus on negative things, we will notice and attract more negative things in our life. If we focus on positive things, we will move in the direction of greater happiness and more success." - AComplaintFreeWorld.org

Research shows that when we listen to complaints of any kind, we get demoralized.  Whether we're making the complaints or listening to them, our minds start on a cycle of negative thinking.

So why do we complain?

Sometimes to get attention or connect with others by commiserating.  Sometimes to avoid taking responsibility for something: It's not OUR fault!  Sometimes simply because it's the story we tell about our lives.  "You won't believe how awful my day (week, year, life) was."

Parents and kids often complain as a way to lobby each other to behave differently.  With parents, it could be called nagging.  "I can't believe you left your jacket on the floor again!"  With kids, it's an attempt to elicit parental intervention of some sort:  "He's picking on me!" or "All the other kids' parents let them!"

Challenge your family to live this week complaint-free.  Put a jar on your counter.  Every time anyone complains, that person has to put a quarter in the jar, and express gratitude in place of the complaint. 

"Not chicken again!" might become "I am so grateful we get to have a healthy, hearty dinner and that Mom cooked it for us!" 

"I hate picking up the clothes you kids leave on the floor" might become "Dinner will be ready in ten minutes.  I'm so glad that you kids will have all these clothes picked up first so I can serve everyone dessert after dinner, right?  I love that everyone in this family is learning to clean up his own messes."

"Can't you ever brush your hair?" might become "I love having such a beautiful daughter!"

"My boss did it again!" might become "I am grateful to have a job and a paycheck to feed my family."

 At the end of the week, donate your quarters to charity.  You'll be amazed how much money you raise for your favorite charity as you re-train yourself.

May your week be filled with the miracle of gratitude.

"The things that piss you off about your kids are the things you haven’t learned to love and embrace about yourself.  Once you heal that part of you and accept it, your kids change – or their behavior no longer bothers you. The universe is constantly reflecting back to us where we have the opportunity to grow, learn more, love more."  -- James Ray

When our kids push our buttons, it's always a growth opportunity.  Does that mean you let your kids get away with bad behavior?  No. You set limits.  But if you can use the opportunity to notice and heal your own issues, you'll find your limits are a lot more effective in changing your child's behavior.  Why?

First, because you aren't over-reacting, your child is more likely to take you seriously.  Second, when you accept your own failings with compassion, you embrace your child with more compassion, faults and all. So even while you set limits, you stay connected.  Kids only behave to please us.  They only listen to our limits when they feel our love.

Best of all, parenting becomes more fun.

"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied.  Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...."  -- Katrina Kenison

All of us have needs that are never satisfied, as do our children.  Some of them we can name:  An hour alone to chill out.  A bit more money to make ends meet. More help around the house.  Our deeper needs -- which feed our souls --  may be more elusive: More meaning. More aliveness. More connection.

Kids can't name their deepest needs: To have all of who they are be truly seen and appreciated.  To know their parents adore them and love to care for them. More relaxed, playful, unstructured, affirming time with each parent. But when they're hungry for these things, they don't thrive.

Not meeting our deepest needs is like starving ourselves and our children. Which of your unsatisfied needs could you attend to today?  How could you change things in your family life to better nourish your children's souls every day?