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"What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens." -- Thaddeus Golas
Today we're wrapping up our exploration of 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person -- in 2010. The 10th commitment:
Keep Perspective.
I know, it's easier said than done. It's simply impossible to see the
larger landscape when we're down in the swamps. And every parents finds
him or herself in the swamp sometimes.
But if we can just step back, we realize that things are actually
hopeful. Start with the fact that you have this child, while there are
people all over the world yearning for a child -- or, worse yet, for
one they've lost. Notice how you've been transformed into a more
loving, patient, responsible, joyful person just by being their
parent. Then consider the sheer joy and aliveness your child brings
into your life.
Parents have always wondered how such immature creatures could grow up right. As Socrates said,"Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers."
But kids have an uncanny way of surviving all odds and coming out ok,
most of the time. As long as you and your child are both alive, it's
never too late to heal and grow together.
How can you remember all this when you're in the swamp?
1. Resolve to use every upset as a trigger, a reminder to shift gears.
Repeat a mantra that reminds you of what's important, breathe deeply to
calm yourself, or just take a timeout to calm down. In the beginning,
you'll be interrupting your tantrum mid-yell. That's ok. Stop and
leave the room. Soon you'll be able to course correct before you open
your mouth.
2. Find sustainable ways to stay centered. Exercise, meditation,
writing in a journal -- whatever works for you. Do it every day, like
brushing your teeth, and for the same reason (It keeps you healthy. And
without it, the world doesn't see the best of you.)
3. Consciously wean yourself off stress and delete it from your life.
Stress is not necessary; it's an addiction. Miserable for your family,
shortens your life, makes you fat, and it's impossible to be an
inspired parent when you're stressed.
4. Fake it till you make it. Research shows that when we smile, our
mood improves. When we speak in a loving voice, we begin to feel more
tender. Our child responds to our patience with affection, and before
we know it, we're out of the swamp.
5. Remember that it's all small stuff. In the long run, only love matters.
Sure, your kids will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no
perfect parents, no perfect children, and no prefect families. But
there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where
everyone thrives.
The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices
that take you in that direction. It's not magic, just the hard work of
course correction to stay on the right path. But if you look for it,
you can always find trailmarks and support to beckon you onward to a
more rewarding life.
Just keep taking positive steps. Before you know it, you'll find your self in a whole new landscape.
“You can complain because roses have thorns; or you can rejoice because thorns have roses”—Ziggy
"The opposite of complaining is gratitude. We should talk about things
we are thankful for rather than things we are unhappy about. Our minds
are like steering wheels, they take us in the direction we point them.
If we focus on negative things, we will notice and attract more
negative things in our life. If we focus on positive things, we will
move in the direction of greater happiness and more success." - AComplaintFreeWorld.org
Research
shows that when we listen to complaints of any kind, we get
demoralized. Whether we're making the complaints or listening to them,
our minds start on a cycle of negative thinking.
So why do we complain?
Sometimes to get attention or connect with others by commiserating.
Sometimes to avoid taking responsibility for something: It's not OUR fault! Sometimes simply because it's the story we tell about our lives. "You won't believe how awful my day (week, year, life) was."
Parents and kids often complain as a way to lobby each other to behave
differently. With parents, it could be called nagging. "I can't believe you left your jacket on the floor again!" With kids, it's an attempt to elicit parental intervention of some sort: "He's picking on me!" or "All the other kids' parents let them!"
Challenge your family to live this week complaint-free. Put a jar on
your counter. Every time anyone complains, that person has to put a
quarter in the jar, and express gratitude in place of the complaint.
"Not chicken again!" might become "I am so grateful we get to have a healthy, hearty dinner and that Mom cooked it for us!"
"I hate picking up the clothes you kids leave on the floor" might become
"Dinner will be ready in ten minutes. I'm so glad that you kids will
have all these clothes picked up first so I can serve everyone dessert
after dinner, right? I love that everyone in this family is learning
to clean up his own messes."
"Can't you ever brush your hair?" might become "I love having such a beautiful daughter!"
"My boss did it again!" might become "I am grateful to have a job and a paycheck to feed my family."
At the end of the week, donate your quarters to charity. You'll be
amazed how much money you raise for your favorite charity as you
re-train yourself.
May your week be filled with the miracle of gratitude.
"The
things that piss you off about your kids are the things you haven’t
learned to love and embrace about yourself. Once you heal that part of
you and accept it, your kids change – or their behavior no longer
bothers you. The universe is constantly reflecting back to us where we
have the opportunity to grow, learn more, love more." -- James Ray
When our kids push our buttons, it's always a growth opportunity. Does
that mean you let your kids get away with bad behavior? No. You set
limits. But if you can use the opportunity to notice and heal your own
issues, you'll find your limits are a lot more effective in changing
your child's behavior. Why?
First, because you aren't over-reacting, your child is more likely to
take you seriously. Second, when you accept your own failings with
compassion, you embrace your child with more compassion, faults and
all. So even while you set limits, you stay connected. Kids only
behave to please us. They only listen to our limits when they feel our
love.
Best of all, parenting becomes more fun.
"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied. Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...." -- Katrina Kenison
All of us have needs that are never satisfied, as do our children. Some of them we can name: An hour alone to chill out. A bit more money to make ends meet. More help around the house. Our deeper needs -- which feed our souls -- may be more elusive: More meaning. More aliveness. More connection.
Kids can't name their deepest needs: To have all of who they are be truly seen and appreciated. To know their parents adore them and love to care for them. More relaxed, playful, unstructured, affirming time with each parent. But when they're hungry for these things, they don't thrive.
Not meeting our deepest needs is like starving ourselves and our children. Which of your unsatisfied needs could you attend to today? How could you change things in your family life to better nourish your children's souls every day?
"For
people who won the lottery -- and a lot people think that's the golden
ticket to happiness -- within a year of winning the lottery, they've
returned to their original happiness set-point level. Shockingly, the
same was also true of people who became paraplegic. Even when bad
things happen, within a year they had returned to their original
happiness set-point. The really important thing is our happiness
set-point. That set-point is 50% genetic, so you're born with that.
It's only 10% based on your circumstances, and the other 40%, which is
the part we can really do something about, is based on our habits of
thought and behavior. Just like you can raise the thermostat at home to
get warm on a cold day, you can actually raise your happiness set-point
to become happier, and you don't have to become thinner, richer, or
smarter to do it. That is the thing that everybody should know, because
it's all about your happiness set-point, and we know how you can raise
that." -- Marci Shimoff
Did you know
that we all have a happiness set-point, and no matter what happens to
us, we tend to hover around the same happiness level for our whole
adult lives?
But we can change our set point. Research shows that we can develop
constructive habits that create happiness: managing our moods, positive
self-talk, finding joy in daily details, practicing gratitude,
cultivating optimism, connecting with others. Note that most of this is
about managing our thoughts and attitudes. Since all emotion is
stimulated by our thoughts, we can change how we feel just by changing
our thoughts.
Sound hard? No harder than playing the piano. Like any other skill, it
takes daily practice. In the beginning, you'll have to work hard to
get anything that sounds like music, but in a year, you won't believe
how much happier you are. So why not start being happier right now?
Find a positive thought and focus on it. Want some help? There's lots
more info in my article Teaching Your Child the Art of Happiness. And we'll be talking about this in my Coaching Call next week, if you can join us.

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