Parenting Blog

"Dr. Markham -- When I stop and take a breath, I am amazed at the amount of negative thoughts in my head—typically criticizing my ability as a mom, or a wife, or an employee, or a daughter or a friend. It’s so hard to feel like I’m doing anything well at all.  How do we get out of the negative thought patterns?" -- Amy

“The single biggest enemy of your happiness is your neurological fear network. We think of fear as just a thought, but it’s not. The fabric of fear has been woven into our brains, creating a neurological entity that has lasted as long as mankind. The fear system is insidious and full of deceit.  When we are tormented by the many faces of fear — perfectionism, obsession, insecurity, shyness, guilt — we often try to make sense of our pain by assuming that something is wrong with our lives.” -- Dan Baker, Ph.D.

Many wise teachers, from the Buddha to Byron Katie, would say that Amy's put her finger on the source of all suffering:  the way our minds create stressful thoughts.

That's because our thoughts, which interpret our experience, are the source of all of our emotions.  Anytime we feel any emotion, it arises from some thought we have. 

And anytime we take any action, it arises from an emotion or thought that motivates us.

We all feel at times like we aren't good enough.  Sometimes it's because we're in an impossible situation where there simply isn't enough of us to go around given the 24 hours in a day.  But mostly -- even when our situation is objectively impossible -- we just don't feel good enough inside.  If we did feel like we were more than good enough, we would make peace with our situation -- or change it.

So why do we get stuck in negative situations where we can't possibly feel good?  Why do we create negative situations?  Why do we see a situation as negative when another person might smile and shrug? 

Because our negative thoughts disable us.  Our minds are mercilessly cruel, even -- especially -- to ourselves. We torment ourselves with our imperfections, real or imagined. We disable ourselves.

How can we escape these negative thought patterns?  Tomorrow's daily inspiration email will be a "Blueprint to Disarm Your Inner Critic."  For today, begin with Step One:

Notice your thoughts. Stop. Take a breath.  Notice all that chatter in your mind.  Is any of it negative? Don't let it get you down.  Becoming aware of these thoughts is the first step toward changing them.  Once we notice, we stop automatically believing and acting on these thoughts.  We have a choice.  For today, just take as many opportunities as you can to stop, breathe, and notice your the chatter in your mind.

“My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring. I also believe that I sometimes need some mercy and love myself.” -- BarelyKnitTogether

Humans have somewhere between 10,000 and 70,000 thoughts per day. The majority of these thoughts are “negative.” Our minds, doing their job of trying to protect us, constantly compare, judge, find fault, and warn.

The information they give us is often valuable.  The nitpicking isn’t.  All those negative thoughts are what create your anxiety, upset moods and mommy or daddy tantrums. In fact, our minds’ negativity is downright destructive.

It’s our job as grownups to keep our inner critics from running our lives.  We can start by noticing all those subtle inner critic attacks.

Today, just notice every time your inner critic comments. Are you criticizing yourself?  Your kids?  Your partner?  Life?

Does that really help anybody change? (Hint: When we feel attacked, we defend.  Our natural desire to cooperate vanishes.)

Does your inner critic help you feel more relaxed, empowered, loving?

Does your inner critic help your kids feel more loved, secure, open, eager to please?

Why not kiss your inner critic goodbye?

Why not offer your family – and yourself -- some mercy and love?

You might make miracles.

"Appreciation and self-love are the most important tools that you could ever nurture. Appreciation of others, and the appreciation of yourself, is the closest vibrational match to your Source Energy of anything that we've ever witnessed anywhere in the universe." -- Abraham-Hicks

What do you do well as a parent?  Make a list. In writing, if you can.  But at least in your mind, right now.  Keep going until you have at least ten things.  Better yet, 20. 

Now give yourself credit for that list. I know, you're not perfect. Join the club.  But just for this minute, give yourself total appreciation for all the things you do right as a parent.  All those things no one else ever even notices. Savor that feeling. 

Now, for the rest of the day, every time you see yourself acting toward your child in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, give yourself an internal hug or a high five.

The times you don't feel so good about?  Let them go and move on to better interactions.

I guarantee you'll feel better and better throughout the day.  And so will your kids.

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
 --  F. P. Jones

Some parents try so hard to be patient that they let things get out of hand. Then they snap. Later, they're filled with remorse. Sound familiar?

Calming down is tough. The key is to intervene BEFORE you get angry.
 
Often when we lose it with our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something has been grating on us. The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell.  It’s time to intervene in a positive way to prevent more of whatever behavior is irritating you.
 
If your irritation is coming from you -- let’s say you’ve just had a hard day, and their natural exuberance is wearing on you -- explain that and ask your kids to be considerate. Do something nice to nurture yourself.
 
If the kids are doing something that’s increasingly annoying -- playing a game in which someone is likely to get hurt, stalling when you’ve asked them to do something, squabbling while you’re on the phone -- you may need to interrupt what you’re doing.  Then:

• Make a positive connection with your child
• Empathize with whatever they’re expressing
• Restate your family rule or expectation
• Redirect them into positive activity.

Calmly, kindly, cheerfully do whatever is necessary to keep the situation, and your anger, from escalating. 

There's always a solution besides losing it. Sending them outside? Snuggling with him on the couch for 15 minutes?  Dropping whatever you were doing for five minutes so you can move her along into whatever she's supposed to be doing? Roaring like a lion and getting the kids to all join in? Taking five minutes alone in the bathroom to breathe deep and regroup? 

The miracle comes when you face the fact of your rising irritation, instead of trying to ignore it or reflexively yelling.  That helps you notice the accident that could lie ahead -- and your chance to step in like the super-parent that you are, to avert disaster.

“Here’s something that fear will never tell you.  You don’t have to feel this way. Fear only tells you about fight or flight.  It never tells you that the mountain in front of you is of your own making.” -- Guy Finley

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." -- Viktor E. Frankl

Zen Buddhism says mindfulness is the path to peace and enlightenment. What’s mindfulness? Paying attention to your experience in the present moment.

When we pay attention to our actual experience, we notice how our minds often interpret our experience through a lens of fear that creates stress. That stress triggers us to react in ways that make everything worse. We're constantly making mountains out of molehills.

What if you could respond to stressful times with your kids without getting stressed?  Believe it or not, you can. It just takes a little practice. Here’s how.

1. As soon as you feel your hackles rising, stop. Just stop.  This is the hardest step, but the most important.  When you bring awareness to the present moment, you stop reacting automatically.  You give yourself a choice of how to respond.

2. Breathe deeply.  Shake the tension out of your fingertips, blow it out of your mouth, whatever works for you to shift your physical state from fight to calm. I say "Thank you for giving me this opportunity to grow,"  and it calms me right down. Whatever works for you.

3. Once you’re calm, ask yourself: Is there a real problem involving physical danger happening right now, this very moment? Or am I experiencing anxiety, negative thought patterns, catastrophic scenarios? (99% of the time, that's the case.)

4. Notice what thought(s) are in your mind that are producing your stress.

5. Ask yourself: Is this thought absolutely true? (e.g., Is it really true that the baby will just keep crying all night and I won't get to sleep at all? ....Will my son absolutely become an axe murderer because he hit that kid on the playground? ....Will my daughter absolutely fail in school and life because she got this bad report card? ....Am I really a complete failure as a mother because my children are once again screaming at each other?)

6. Ask yourself: Are there alternative ways of viewing this situation that would be not only less stressful, but more useful in meeting my needs and goals? (e.g., The baby probably won't keep crying, and I can take this one moment at a time and just breathe through it, and I can trade off with my spouse so we each get some sleep.......My son is only three, and he was frightened; I can help him learn to handle his feelings more constructively.......My daughter's bad report card means we need to change our evening routines to work with her more.......I am doing the best I can as a mother and all siblings fight, but I do want a more peaceful home; I think I'll read that book on sibling rivalry."  Notice that none of these views involve yelling at your child or berating yourself. Once you calm down and accept the situation, there is always some way to claim your power to change the situation.

Sound hard?  Like any other skill, it takes practice. At first, just catching yourself in time to notice your mind running away with itself will feel impossible most of the time. But if you keep working at it, you'll find yourself laughing as you notice your mind's catastrophic thinking. ("I'm really about to lose it with my three year old because I think I have to prove who's boss?!")

The miracle is that once you bring awareness to that moment, you have the choice of how to act.