Parenting Blog

"For people who won the lottery -- and a lot people think that's the golden ticket to happiness -- within a year of winning the lottery, they've returned to their original happiness set-point level. Shockingly, the same was also true of people who became paraplegic. Even when bad things happen, within a year they had returned to their original happiness set-point. The really important thing is our happiness set-point. That set-point is 50% genetic, so you're born with that. It's only 10% based on your circumstances, and the other 40%, which is the part we can really do something about, is based on our habits of thought and behavior. Just like you can raise the thermostat at home to get warm on a cold day, you can actually raise your happiness set-point to become happier, and you don't have to become thinner, richer, or smarter to do it." -- Marci Shimoff

Did you know that we all have a happiness set-point, and no matter what happens to us, we tend to hover around the same happiness level for our whole adult lives?

But we can change our set point. Research shows that we can develop constructive habits that create happiness: managing our moods, positive self-talk, finding joy in daily details, practicing gratitude, cultivating optimism, connecting with others. Note that most of this is about managing our thoughts and attitudes.  Since all emotion is stimulated by our thoughts, we can change how we feel just by changing our thoughts.  

Sound hard?  No harder than playing the piano. Like any other skill, it takes daily practice.  In the beginning, you'll have to work hard to get anything that sounds like music, but in a year, you won't believe how much happier you are.  So why not start being happier right now? 

1. Smile! Smiling makes us happier, even when we force it. The feedback from our facial muscles informs us that we’re happy, and immediately improves our mood. Not to mention the moods of those around us, and that feedback loop uplifts everyone.

2. Find a positive thought and focus on it. It won't make "unhappy" things go away, but it will increase your sense of well-being -- and therefore your ability to deal with difficulties more resourcefully.  Whenever you notice you're in a bad mood, offer yourself some tenderness and wallow in the sadness or other feelings for a few minutes -- really let yourself feel them.  Then, consciously move on.  Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you can always revisit these feelings later, and find something positive to look forward to.

3. Count your blessings.  Research shows that people who make a habit of cultivating gratitude raise their happiness set-point.  One easy way is to come up with at least three things you're grateful for every night before you go to sleep and every morning before you get out of bed.  But you can use gratitude to change your mood all day long.  Instead of "These kids are driving me crazy with all their noise!" how about "I'm so glad my kids are healthy and exuberant.  Now, how can I help them find a good outlet for all that energy?"

4. Get your energy going.  Nothing lifts my mood like a pillow fight with my kids. Or you could try an impromptu game where you try to take off each others' socks.  Any physical activity gets your endorphins going and improves your mood.  If it includes a nice connection with other people, it's even more effective.

5. Laugh. The old saying that laughter is the best medicine turns out to be true. The more we laugh, the happier we are! So the next time you and your child want to shake off the doldrums, how about a Marx brothers movie marathon? 

Want more ideas on how to reset your happiness set point?  Want to help your child get happier too?  (Happier kids make for happier parents!) Check out my article Teaching Your Child the Art of Happiness.  

"2 year-olds argue with their parents 20 to 25 times an hour." -- Child Development

Between 12 and 15 months, we learn a wonderful word:  "No!"
It's an ecstatic discovery.
We learn we are separate, autonomous beings with a will of our own who can impact what happens in the world.
We delight in saying, "No!" at every opportunity.
Our "No" is actually a big "YES!."
It's an awesome, pure expression of our life force.

After the first cute "No" or two, our parents are usually less than delighted.  In fact, this developmental stage launches what's often called the "terrible twos."

Rarely are our ecstatic expressions of primal life force affirmed.  Do you remember your father or mother saying:
"Oh, thank you for expressing your No so passionately!"
"I so appreciate your affirming your autonomy so directly!"

More common messages are along the lines of:
"Do what I tell you!"
"Don't you dare talk back!"
There may the threat—or the reality—of punishment or physical force.  There is almost always the withdrawal of love, as parents walk away when little ones tantrum.

Being powerless and utterly dependent, we soon learn to hide our No's.  We begin to resort to whining, passive resistance, manipulation, or very often, actual denial of our needs.

So when our little one falls in love with the word NO! alarm bells start ringing for us.  We think we MUST teach him who's in charge, right away.

But this isn't about who is in charge.  Your child knows you're in charge.  This is about your child's right to his feelings, even while you honor your responsibility to keep him safe and healthy.

Can you say "No" in a way that honors your own truth, while still staying in positive contact with your child? Your "No" doesn't need to be a bludgeon— simply a strong statement of your position in a duet dance of negotiation.  Here's how:

1. Don't take it personally.  This isn't about you or your rules.

2. Remember that this is a positive developmental stage that is giving your child the ability to stand up for his own truth later in life.

3. Sidestep the NO! by giving your child a choice.  He says NO! to a bath?  Ask him if he wants to fly up the stairs or dance up.

4. Sidestep the NO! by making your request into a game.  "Climb on my back, Cowboy, we're headed for the bathtub in the hills!"

5. Sidestep the NO! by honoring his autonomy without giving up your request.  "NO Bath right now?  Ok, Sweetie.  But when you're ready, you can look at the plastic containers in the kitchen and be in charge of which ones you want to play with in the tub."  You won't be able to restrain him from the bath.

6. Use reverse psychology.  "Whatever you do, DON"T get in the bathtub.  NO, NO, NO, don't turn on the water!! NO, NO, NO, don't take off your clothes!!"

7. Remember that you can always find a way to meet both your needs.  If you keep your sense of humor, and honor both your own NO and your child's, you can always find a way to get past the word NO --  to the YES! energy right behind it. 

(Special thanks to Robert Gass, who inspired today's message.)  

"I'm struggling with my own inability to be present and show empathy to my young children when they are having meltdowns. I want to be able to do this. I know this is the right thing to do. But when the meltdowns start, something in me shifts and all my good intentions fly out the window and I just want to get away from them. I'm not sure how to change this behaviour because it seems so deep-rooted in me."

Who hasn't had a hard time with this?  I know that when my child starts to lose it, something in me wants to scream "No!"

• No, I don't have time for this right now!
• No, you're embarrassing me, people are looking!
• No, why can't she be reasonable?
• No, we've been through this, not again! 
• No, she is so self-centered, I need to teach her a lesson!
• No, what am I doing wrong that she's tantrumming again?
• No, I know this is my fault, I should have... I shouldn't have...!
• No, why is she doing this to me?!
• No, why can't you just suck it up the way I do?

Bingo.  If I had acted like that as a child, I would have had it knocked out of me -- probably physically, but at least with the threat of abandonment.  Like most kids in my generation, I learned to stuff my feelings.  I learned they were dangerous. 

I was lucky enough to have some excellent therapy and a meditation practice before I had kids.  That helped me to notice my own thoughts and feelings, and train myself to tolerate my child's. But most of us enter parenting without that head start. 

So when our child has a meltdown, the little one inside of us gets triggered.  Danger signs flash. As always when danger looms, we feel a sense of panic.  We just want to get away (that's flight) or we feel a sudden rage -- we want to MAKE him shut up (that's fight) or we go numb (that's freeze).

Holding him with empathy, allowing him to let all those feelings out? Witnessing his anger without taking it personally?  That's a stretch for most parents, maybe an impossible one. All of our good intentions fly out the window.

And yet every child has numerous experiences of fear, anger, frustration and sadness that need to be expressed and accepted. That's a foundation of emotional intelligence, which allows kids to learn to manage their emotions.

So what can we do to address our own deep-rooted feelings, so we can be there for our kids?

1.  Acknowledge your own feelings.  Our panic in the face of our child's raw emotions is an issue from our own childhoods.  The only way to uproot it is to see how it served us when we were little.  Say to your rising panic:  "Thanks for keeping me safe when I was little.  I'm grown now.  All these feelings are ok. I can handle this."

2. Remind yourself that it isn't an emergency. This isn't a threat; it's your beloved child, who needs your love right now.  Whatever happens, you can handle it. If your mind persists in setting off alarms, tell it you'll deal with those concerns later, not now.

3. Remind yourself that this is a good thing.  We know your child will feel these feelings, no matter what.  The only question is whether you make it ok for him to express them, or whether you teach him they're dangerous.  (Just in case you're wondering, it's the emotions we repress that pop out without warning and get us into trouble.) Even if you can't say a whole-hearted YES! when your child starts to melt down, try to move from your automatic NO! to a warm-hearted OK, just the way you do at other times when your child needs you.

4. Take the pressure off.  You don't have to fix your child or the situation.  All you have to do is stay present.  Your child doesn't even need the red cup, or whatever he's crying for, he needs your loving acceptance of him, complete with all his tangled up feelings. His disappointment, rage, grief? They're all ok, and they will all pass without you doing a thing.

5. Take a deep breath and choose love.  Every choice we make, at core, is a move towards either love or fear.  Let your caring for your child give you the courage to choose love.  Not just love for your child, but love for the child you once were, and the parent you are now.  Just keep breathing, and saying to yourself "I choose love."  (Too corny?  Research shows this works.  But you can easily find another effective mantra:  "She's acting like a kid because she IS a kid....This too shall pass....I came out ok and she will too."  Whatever works for you.)

6. Keep it simple. Your child needs you to witness her outpouring of emotion and let her know that she is still a good person, despite all these yucky feelings.  So she needs your reassurance and permission.  Explanations, negotiations, remorse, recriminations, analysis of why she's so upset, or attempts to "comfort" her ("There, there, you don't have to cry, that's enough") will all shut down this natural emotive process.  You don't have to say much.  Your calm, loving tone is what matters.  Maybe:

You are so upset. 
Go ahead and cry.
That's ok.  Everybody needs to cry sometimes.
I hear how mad and sad you are.
I will stay right here while you get all those mad and sad feelings out.
You're telling me to go away, so I will move back a little bit, but I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings.
When you're ready, I am right here to hug you.

7. Find a good listener so that you can talk about your feelings.  Nothing triggers primal emotions like parenting.  You also need to vent, which means you need someone to listen.  Someone who will resist giving you advice.  Someone who won't be shocked when you admit that you wanted to slam your kid against the wall or leave him there in the grocery store, because they know everyone has felt this way, and you wouldn't actually do it. Someone who won't get triggered and go into a panic about whether it's ok for you, or your child, to feel such things.  Someone who will let you cry, who will be there for you just as you're there for your child.

This is hard work for parents, but a great gift to our children.  The good news is that once we say YES to children's full range of feelings, they learn to manage them in healthy ways.  In fact, you'll see positive results immediately after every "tantrum" that you meet with love, because your child will feel so much better for the rest of the day. That's unconditional love in action.

"I miss my baby.
I can't believe that she's a going-to-school girl,
a climb-into-my-own-chair-and-make-my-own-sandwich girl,
a brush-my-own teeth girl,
a take-off-my-coat-and-hang-it-on-the-hook girl,
a go-to-the-toilet-and-wipe-my-own-bum girl.
Where's that baby who didn't want to do anything but snuggle up with me? The cuddly, chubby one who was constantly on my hip as I made dinner, vacuumed the living room, talked on the phone?  My back is very grateful that she's a do-it-myself girl. The rest of me gets a bit sad from time to time."
    --www.flickr.com/photos/notcatherinezeta/

Everyone who loves also grieves. 

Parents have a unique relationship with grief, though, because parents face constant loss -- even parents with healthy children who thrive and grow to become happy, productive adults.  As our children age, we lose them over and over.  And even if we remain close to them as they establish their own families, if we have done a good job as parents we ultimately lose our children to their own lives.

Of course, we receive the solace of the next, often wonderful, stage, but that doesn’t erase the profound loss of the infant’s earliest milky smiles, the toddler’s adoring gaze, the preschooler’s unmatched exuberance, the six year old still climbing onto our lap for a bedtime story. Even now, with a 14 year old and a 19 year old, I see in their faces both the toddlers they were and the adults they are becoming. "Stop growing up!" I want to plead.  "You're old enough!"

But children can't learn to fly if we are, even unconsciously, clutching at their ankles. We all know parents who undermine their children’s development out of their own needs.  How can we avoid that?

I think the secret is to recognize the loss that comes with each new stage of our child's life.  If we can honor that grief, we can more fully revel in the joy each age brings. 

There's an old idea that our tears at a funeral are what free our loved one, floating him or her into the next world.  I think there's a parallel here.

I think our willingness to honor our mixed feelings about our children growing up is part of what frees them to try their wings...and to fly.

"Dear Dr. Laura.....I have no idea how to be the parent who doesn’t yell….it is so deeply ingrained into me..."

It isn't easy to stop yelling.  You can desperately want to, and still find yourself screaming. Of course, it's completely justified by your child's behavior, if you want to look at it that way.  And it's probably predictable, if you look at your own upbringing.

But we all know that our kids respond better if we don't yell.  Instead of escalating a difficult situation, if we can stay calm, it settles everyone else down.  Our relationship with our child strengthens.  They cooperate more.  They start to control their own emotions more.  Bottom line: How can you expect your child to control his own emotions if you don't control yours?

if you know that you want to stop yelling, I assure you that it's completely possible -- no matter how ingrained it is.  It's not rocket science. It takes about three months. Like learning the piano, you start playing scales today, you practice daily, and soon you can pick out simple tunes. In a year you can play a sonata.

Will it be hard to stop yelling?  Yes. It doesn't happen as if by magic. It takes constant, daily effort.  No one can do it for you. But I've seen hundreds of parents do it.

Want to get started?

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty. Stress kills your relationships, your compassion, and your body.

2. Set limits with your kids before things get out of control, while you can still be empathic and keep your sense of humor.

3. Stop controlling and start connecting. You're yelling because you want to change your child's behavior, right? Take the time to see things from your kid's point of view. She has a reason for what she's doing. It may not be what you think is a good reason, but if you address the reason, you change the behavior. Without raising your voice.

4. Manage your mind so you aren’t letting fear run you. There’s only ever one choice – love or fear. Choose love. Love never fails.

5. Think "CALM." You can never control the other person, only yourself.  Luckily, that's enough. Do whatever you need to, to stay calm in the situation.  Whatever your child has just done, you will react more constructively from a place of calm.  Don't escalate the storm.  Your child is counting on you to be the calming influence.

6. Just Stop, Drop, and Breathe.  Remember that you'll make mistakes. When you find yourself in the middle of losing your temper, stop. Breathe. Walk out of the room, even if you were mid-sentence. When you're calm, start over. 

Before you know it, you'll catch yourself before you start yelling. It may seem like a miracle, but this is something you can do. Which doesn't make it less of a miracle.

That's it.  Hard, yes.  But you can do this.  Want some support?  My Teleseminar this Friday is a for parents who want to stop yelling.  Come talk with me.