Parenting Blog

“I'm afraid that if I continue to parent DS as I did when he was a baby (meeting his needs) he won't learn to control his emotions." -- Joanna, mom of one year old on Continuum Concept Forum

It's true that when little ones get to about 14 months, parenting gets more complicated.  Babies have needs that parents aspire to meet whenever possible.  Kids have wants, which are their strategies to meet their needs.  We still try to meet kids' needs, of course -- but we can't, and shouldn't, meet all their wants. That's where parents have to get creative, or maybe where the real parenting begins!

But this fear so many of us have about whether our child will learn to control his emotions is, I think, where we start to go wrong as parents.  Most of us assume that when kids stop being so easily controlled, we have to stop giving them unconditional love.  We start putting conditions on our love in order to control them. We think we're changing their behavior but in actuality we're withdrawing the support they need to thrive.

And this is all based on a mistaken idea of how kids learn to control emotions. Denying emotion or making ourselves wrong for having emotions doesn't help us control them.

Here's how a child actually learns to control his emotions:

1. We accept ALL of his feelings, and help our child feel safe enough to express them, even while we limit his actions (for instance, he can be as mad as he wants, but he can't hit the other child.)

2. We resist all forms of discipline, which are essentially punishment (such as time outs, or consequences.)  Instead, we meet our child's needs, including her need for a deep nurturing connection with us, which eliminates most "misbehavior."  Then, we help our child stay on track with positive, respectful guidance and scaffolding (which just means that we help them to learn the skills until they can do it themselves.)

3. We model healthy emotional self-management by resisting our own little "tantrums" such as yelling and instead choosing to speak respectfully to our child and everyone else.  (This is the one most of us are still working on!)

When kids feel good, they "act good."  Kids who are parented this way turn out to be respectful, considerate, delightful kids, right through the teen years.  They learn to "control" their emotions because they have a healthy emotional life, not because they have been humiliated, made wrong, or forced to be untrue to themselves in some way.

If you're still working on "controlling" your own "tantrums," you'll be glad to hear that your kids will almost certainly be better at managing their emotions than you are.  Why?  You're doing the hard work now to help them learn how!

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen.  When they're finished, I climb out."  -- Erma Bombeck

What happens when your kid does something that makes you want to scream? What are your options?

You really don’t have many.  You can scream and then feel remorseful later.  Or you can resist screaming.  In other words, you can escalate the upset, or you can try to stay calm to settle everyone down.

You have more options if you take positive action BEFORE you feel like screaming. Some parents are trying so hard to be patient they let things get out of hand, and then snap.  The key is to set limits BEFORE you get angry.

Often when we lose it with our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something is grating on us. The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell.  It’s time to intervene in a positive way to prevent more of whatever behavior is irritating you.

If your irritation is coming from you -- let’s say you’ve just had a hard day, and their natural exuberance is wearing on you -- explain that and ask your kids to be considerate.  If the kids are doing something that’s increasingly annoying -- playing a game in which someone is likely to get hurt, stalling when you’ve asked them to do something, squabbling while you’re on the phone -- you may need to interrupt what you’re doing.  Then:

   1. Make a positive connection with your child

   2. Empathize with whatever they’re expressing

   3. Restate your rule or expectation

   4. And Redirect them into positive activity.

Calmly, kindly, cheerfully do whatever is necessary — for instance, sending them outside or into separate rooms -- to keep the situation, and your anger, from escalating.

But what if despite your best efforts something happens that pushes you over the edge?

• If necessary, intervene to move a child out of danger.
• Take a deep breath.
• Consciously speak in as calm a tone as you can manage.
• Say "I need to calm down. I'll be back in a minute" and move away from your child. (If one child was being attacked by the other, take that child with you to keep him safe.)
• Breathe deeply a few times.  Shake the tension out through your fingers. Remind yourself "He's acting like a child because he IS a child." Do whatever calms you.
• Move back to your child and set whatever limit you need to as empathically as you can. Tell your child that you'll talk more once everyone calms down, but right now you need for everyone to take some chill time. Be aware that you may trigger his abandonment fears. You don't have to be in separate rooms.  You can even be on the same couch, unless you're too angry.  Move as far away from your child as necessary to let yourself calm down.
• Later, when everyone’s calm, talk with him about how he might handle such a situation in the future. ("I know you were mad, but we don't throw toys.  Let's sit together and calm down for a few minutes....hmmm...so you were really mad, huh? I see.  I know what it's like to feel that mad.  But toys are not for throwing....hmmm...What could you do next time instead of throwing something?....Do you think you could call me for help? Go out side and throw a ball?  Stomp your foot? What else?")

What if you find yourself screaming before you can stop yourself?  The minute you notice it, just stop.  In mid-sentence.  Close your mouth.  If you do this every time, sooner or later you'll be able to stop yourself before you start screaming.  You'll be on your way to becoming a parent who never screams.  Easy? No. Possible?  Absolutely.  I'll be here cheering you on.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." -- Carl Rogers

"Our wounds can heal and become our source of power." -- Gail Larsen

I know you're still growing and learning, just like me.  How do I know?  Because you're still alive.  In this classroom called Life, the lessons we need most have a way of finding us.

Sages say that having children is one of the best paths to enlightenment because it stretches the heart and teaches us to love.  Parents certainly find lots of opportunities, every day, to dig deep in search of patience, calmness and compassion. Luckily, we're strongly motivated by our love for our children, so we stretch.

Sometimes, of course, we get stuck.  In resentment, or the insistence that our child should be different.  The good news is that it's never too late to improve things with our kids.  Even better, we can use these triggering interactions to heal ourselves and our relationship with our child.  Like our own live-in zen master or therapist, our children give us the perfect opportunity to grow, as long as we're willing to stretch our hearts.

Next time your child pushes your buttons, consider this:  Maybe this upset has as much to do with your own unmet needs and fears as it does with your child.  Maybe you could embrace yourself, your imperfections, and all your messy feelings with an open heart. Maybe you could remember that before we can change, we first need to accept the whole glorious mess of ourselves, as tenderly as we would our squalling baby.

Then remind yourself:

1. That taking responsibility doesn't mean blaming yourself. Parents, being human, are never perfect.  And children have an unerring ability to trigger us, expose our wounded places, draw out our unreasonable fears and angers.

2. Kids, like other humans, need to be fully accepted exactly as they are before they can change.

3. Acceptance of our feelings does not necessarily mean acting on them.  In fact, fully accepting our anger, grief, and other messy feelings means we don't HAVE to act on them. When we can "sit with" those feelings we don't have to "act out."

Almost magically, as we bless our wounds with compassion, we find that these hurt places inform us, motivate us, make us more compassionate, tender, patient parents. 

So forgive yourself for your past mistakes.

Thank your child for pushing your buttons. 

And move on together into a better future. 

"Dear Dr. Laura -- You say that all emotion comes from our thoughts, and that we can change our thoughts and therefore change our emotions.  But you’ve also written that we need to acknowledge our emotions and "feel" them, rather than ignore or stuff them. I’m confused." -- Corinne

What a terrific question!  The simple answer is that there's a difference between honoring our feelings -- and preventing them. Here's why.

Once we’re experiencing an emotion, we’re feeling it in our bodies. We can’t avoid having it – so we need to move through it.

If we don’t like the way it feels and “stuff” it down, or try to ignore it, it pops out unmodulated.  For instance, a preschooler who announces that he hates his little brother and is corrected “You know you love your brother.  Give him a hug now” may well try to accommodate his parents’ expectation – but then find himself flying off the handle and clobbering his brother over some minor infraction.  And all parents know that when we're annoyed at our kid, sooner or later we're going to erupt. Repression doesn’t work.

Because most of us were brought up to fear our emotions, we all need practice in just sitting with them. The only way to get past an emotion is to move through it.  That means to breathe while we feel the emotion, cry, shake it out, giggle it out.  The amazing thing is that once we let ourselves feel, our emotions sweep through us and then dissipate, leaving us feeling more clear and happy. That's why toddlers are more cheerful and cooperative after a tantrum, as long as their parents help them feel safe letting all those scary feelings surface. (How do you help your child feel safe?  Just tell them it's ok to be sad or mad, and you're right there when they're ready for a hug.)

But many of us find that we’re repeatedly swamped with upsetting feelings.  Sure, we can spend all of our time breathing through them and releasing, but there’s another way – go to the source.  And the source of an emotion is always a thought (sometimes known as a belief, viewpoint, or conclusion).

So while we have no choice but to honor the emotions we’re already feeling, we can completely sidestep many upsetting emotions just by noticing the thought that’s giving rise to the emotion. 

"My kid's always forgetting his homework.  He'd lose his head if it weren't glued on. I have to think of better punishments to motivate him to remember."

"My son should love his brother. In our house people don't get mad at each other."

"My husband always wants sex. But I'm so exhausted. I'm a a lousy wife."

"My kid has constant tantrums and it's so embarrassing.  I know people think I'm a terrible mother.  I get so frustrated I can't help threatening her."

Once you start paying attention to your thinking, you'll be amazed at how many of the thoughts that show up in your mind are negative.  And how many of your observations and conclusions aren't even true.

Why give those thoughts and conclusions the power to determine how you feel and act?

Tomorrow: How to Question Your Thoughts

"Dr. Markham -- When I stop and take a breath, I am amazed at the amount of negative thoughts in my head—typically criticizing my ability as a mom, or a wife, or an employee, or a daughter or a friend. It’s so hard to feel like I’m doing anything well at all.  How do we get out of the negative thought patterns?" -- Amy

“The single biggest enemy of your happiness is your neurological fear network. We think of fear as just a thought, but it’s not. The fabric of fear has been woven into our brains, creating a neurological entity that has lasted as long as mankind. The fear system is insidious and full of deceit.  When we are tormented by the many faces of fear — perfectionism, obsession, insecurity, shyness, guilt — we often try to make sense of our pain by assuming that something is wrong with our lives.” -- Dan Baker, Ph.D.

Many wise teachers, from the Buddha to Byron Katie, would say that Amy's put her finger on the source of all suffering:  the way our minds create stressful thoughts.

That's because our thoughts, which interpret our experience, are the source of all of our emotions.  Anytime we feel any emotion, it arises from some thought we have. 

And anytime we take any action, it arises from an emotion or thought that motivates us.

We all feel at times like we aren't good enough.  Sometimes it's because we're in an impossible situation where there simply isn't enough of us to go around given the 24 hours in a day.  But mostly -- even when our situation is objectively impossible -- we just don't feel good enough inside.  If we did feel like we were more than good enough, we would make peace with our situation -- or change it.

So why do we get stuck in negative situations where we can't possibly feel good?  Why do we create negative situations?  Why do we see a situation as negative when another person might smile and shrug? 

Because our negative thoughts disable us.  Our minds are mercilessly cruel, even -- especially -- to ourselves. We torment ourselves with our imperfections, real or imagined. We disable ourselves.

How can we escape these negative thought patterns?  Tomorrow's daily inspiration email will be a "Blueprint to Disarm Your Inner Critic."  For today, begin with Step One:

Notice your thoughts. Stop. Take a breath.  Notice all that chatter in your mind.  Is any of it negative? Don't let it get you down.  Becoming aware of these thoughts is the first step toward changing them.  Once we notice, we stop automatically believing and acting on these thoughts.  We have a choice.  For today, just take as many opportunities as you can to stop, breathe, and notice the chatter in your mind.

Tomorrow:  Blueprint to Disarm Your Inner Critic!