Parenting Blog

"I find I’m already 10 steps into reacting and I’ve headed down the “traditional” path with whatever issue is at hand with my kids. When I am able to remain calm, it certainly helps the situation as opposed to when I get heated up and emotional, which only makes things worse. It makes me sad to know that up until now, I have not been a good example of emotional regulation at all.  And it is so disheartening to see my kids doing things that I know they saw us do whether it’s throw something, slam a door, etc. Every once in a while, the little voice inside me says 'It’s too late—damage done' but then I keep plugging along reading and re-reading your advice and hope that if I can keep working on myself, my kids can adjust too." – Amy

Sounds familiar, right?  We're starting the New Year with emotional regulation because it’s at the heart of our ability to parent the way we’d like. In fact, it’s at the heart of most of the ways we trip ourselves up, from over-eating to over-spending to fighting with our spouse.

As parents, we know it’s our responsibility to provide for our child’s physical needs: food, shelter, protection.  What about our responsibility to parent from a state of love?  We often hear that good parents love their children unconditionally, but we all know that no parent always feels loving.  And we’re left on our own to figure out how we can restore ourselves to a state of love during the inevitable ups and downs of daily parenting.  READ POST

Want to stop yelling at your kids?  Ready to start having dinner as a family?  Need to find a way to rebuild your relationship with your son or daughter? Desperate to change the tone in your house from sniping and snotty to laughing and loving?  READ POST

"Children equate being loved with the reality of when we are there for them – when we really show up. And traditional methods have us showing up so much more when there are problems...Conventional wisdom tells parents that the time to emit more energy – that is, more emotion, more facial expression, more volume, and more intense relationship – is when things are going wrong. That’s a mistake, and a big one, because it puts our powerful parental energy to work growing more of the behaviors we actually want to see less of or not at all. Why water weeds?" --  Howard Glasser

What we focus on grows.  Kids are like little geiger counters. They live for our emotional energy -- positive or negative.  So why, as parents, do we give most of our energy to what's going wrong?  Even when we do catch our child doing something right, look at the amount of energy that's behind our responses to bad behavior ("How many times do I have to tell you?!") versus our positive acknowledgments ("Nice job, dear.")  READ POST

"2 year-olds argue with their parents 20 to 25 times an hour." -- Child Development

Between 12 and 15 months, we learn a wonderful word:  "No!"
It's an ecstatic discovery.  We learn we are separate, autonomous beings with a will of our own who can impact what happens in the world.  We delight in saying, "No!" at every opportunity.  READ POST

"I have so many of your quotes around my computer screen here at work that help me throughout the day, mentally prepare me to go home and love my children as best as I can.  There are so many times when I just feel overwhelmed by parenting and know that I’m missing out on so much b/c I’m so concerned with what I’m not doing right or how I’m screwing up my kids.  I do thank you for all you do and I know that slowly slowly slowly I’m becoming a better parent to my kids through your encouraging messages."

When I read this email, I teared up.  I was honored to be supporting this mom, and filled with admiration for her commitment to be the best parent she can be.  And I was reminded once again of the heroism required just to show up and love our kids as best we can.  READ POST

"I'm struggling with my own inability to be present and show empathy to my young children when they are having meltdowns. I want to be able to do this. I know this is the right thing to do. But when the meltdowns start, something in me shifts and all my good intentions fly out the window and I just want to get away from them. I'm not sure how to change this behaviour because it seems so deep-rooted in me."

Who hasn't had a hard time with this?  I know that when my child starts to lose it, something in me wants to scream "No!"   READ POST

"You may become flooded by feelings such as fear, sadness or rage. These intense emotions can lead you to have knee-jerk reaction instead of thoughtful responses.  When emotional reactions replace mindfulness, you're on the low road and it is very unlikely that you will be able to maintain nurturing communication and connection with your child." -- Daniel J. Siegel

This is Step 9 in our series Ten Steps to Unconditional Love: Take the High Road.

You know what the high road is. When you’re feeling really good, nothing fazes you. You respond to your child’s foibles with patience, understanding, and a sense of humor.

You know what the low road is, too. It’s when you’re stressed, exhausted, resentful.  When you insist on butting heads or wringing an apology out of your child.  When your fuse is so short that you feel justified in having your own little tantrum. When you're in the grip of fight or flight emotions and your child looks like the enemy.    READ POST