Parenting Blog

"Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it."-- Harold Hulbert

You know how important it is to manage your kid's life so his basic needs get met and he behaves better.  Predictable routines, plenty of sleep, downtime, cuddles and quality connection time all help kids be at their best.  But every child has times when life just seems too much for them, and they can't behave the way they'd like. That's when they act most childish (just like adults!).

We all know that when we respond to those difficult times by losing our cool, tempers escalate and a small storm can turn into a full-scale tornado that sweeps all our good intentions away. What can you do to keep your cool and settle your child down? Here's your five-step plan.

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty.You can't act much nicer than you feel.  If your own cup is empty, how can you give to your child?  Find sustainable ways to keep your nature sunny, so you can give your child the best of yourself – and rise to the occasion when he signals he needs you by misbehaving. Can't find a way to let the sun in?  You owe your child, and yourself, a change.  You're the grown-up, so get whatever help you need to show up with unconditional love for your child.

2. Stop, Drop and Breathe.Train yourself: As soon as you feel temperatures rising, just stop.  Drop whatever you’re doing, whether that means turning off the stove, pulling the car to the side of the road, or telling your friend you’ll call her back. Then take a few deep breaths. This calms you physically, so your mind has a chance to keep your body from moving into fight mode.

3. Remind yourself:  This is an opportunity, not an emergency.  An opportunity for what?  Getting closer to your child by helping her work through whatever’s bothering her – and teaching her to manage her emotions by role-modeling emotional intelligence. Kids learn more by watching our behavior than by what we say. However you act with your child when she's four is how she'll act with you when she's fourteen. Wouldn’t you rather have a teenager who helps you calm down rather than one who screams at you?

4. Watch your tone and bite your tongue, if necessary. Research shows that the more calmly we speak, the more calm we feel, and the more calmly others respond to us. When we use swear words or other highly charged words, it makes both us and our listener even more upset and the situation escalates. Think your child needs to learn a lesson?  It's more likely to stick if you wait until you calm down to teach it.

5. It’s never too late. If you suddenly realize you’ve been hijacked by your own emotions, just stop.  Breathe.  Shake out your hands to let some of that anger drain out.  Say “Mommy needs to calm down” and walk away if necessary.  The more often you can stop in mid-scream, the more often you’ll find you can cool down before you even open your mouth.

When things heat up, these five steps can seem impossible.  But if you just keep practicing, they become second nature, and the whole tone in your home gets sunnier. Start now with Step 1, to be sure your own cup is full. Next time your child "provokes you,"  you'll be able to rise to the occasion and avert the stormy weather.

May your weekend be filled with sunshine -- and miracles, large and small.

"Gratitude is noticing the extraordinary in the ordinary. And then taking the nanosecond to feel it." -- Karen Krakower Kaplan

Happy Tuesday!  Want to rock your life?  Do these 3 simple things every day this week:

1. Do something from your Joy list to nurture yourself, so your cup is full enough to overflow with joy toward your child. Don't have a list of the things you can do to help you feel joyful?  Make one, right now! Put it up and keep adding to it every day.

2. Spend fifteen minutes in private, unstructured, loving interaction with each child, preferably including lots of listening and snuggling. Can't get your kid to engage? Try physical games, the kind you would play with a baby -- kiss each toe, give a massage. Resist the urge to tickle, teach or engage with any kind of technology.  Just be -- and let love rush in.

3. Find something to be grateful for every minute.  Gratitude transforms our mood, attitude, actions, how we perceive our world.  If all you do is offer appreciation all day long -- to your child, your spouse, yourself, Life -- you'll find your whole day transformed.

May your week be filled with miracles, large and small.

"Last night I had one of those difficult nights where ...my anger and exhaustion were just as raw as my 3 year old's... I was sifting through my mind...something that I could say or do to stop the course of events or change the negative feeling ...finally it came to me from one of your daily inspirations ……that I could just give him an out and promise to do better and above all I wanted him to know I loved him.... I said, “It has been such a tough day and I think you need a hug” I picked him up and he clung to me like a monkey in that dark room and squeezed his body close to me so much that it took my breath away and all my anger just melted. Even though I had raised my voice and we both had said hurtful things to each other ---in the end it is just about trust and love. I said “I’m so sorry I yelled at you and you have been upset. It has been a tough night for you and for mommy and it is OK ….sometimes all of us can have good days and tough days and today was a tough day wasn’t it?  Tomorrow we will have a better day, OK?”  He nodded against me and I told him that I loved him and we continued onto our evening song and connectedness rituals that I love, like we had never had such a disastrous evening." -- Kristina

We've all had those moments with our child.  When our own feelings are so raw, our frustration so intense, our cup so empty, we stop caring for the moment about what our child needs and just lash out.

Later, we're often overcome with remorse.  But in that moment, with the tidal wave of our emotions washing over us, what can we possibly do to save the situation?

The answer is that if we can feel the slightest glimmer of desire to turn things around, we can grab it. We don't even have to know how.  We can just choose love. We can always find a way to reach out to our child and reconnect. We can always find a way to heal things, even when we're on a cycle of negativity that's gone too far.

When things have gone too far, just stop. 

1.Breathe. 

2. Stop berating yourself for letting things get out of control.  Hug your imperfect self.

3. Reach out for your child.

In the end, it is always about love.

"What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens." -- Thaddeus Golas

Today we're wrapping up our exploration of 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person -- in 2010.  The 10th commitment:

Keep Perspective.

I know, it's easier said than done. It's simply impossible to see the larger landscape when we're down in the swamps. And every parents finds him or herself in the swamp sometimes.

But if we can just step back, we realize that things are actually hopeful. Start with the fact that you have this child, while there are people all over the world yearning for a child -- or, worse yet, for one they've lost. Notice how you've been transformed into a more loving, patient, responsible, joyful person just by being their parent.  Then consider the sheer joy and aliveness your child brings into your life.

Parents have always wondered how such immature creatures could grow up right.  As Socrates said,"Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers." But kids have an uncanny way of surviving all odds and coming out ok, most of the time. As long as you and your child are both alive, it's never too late to heal and grow together.

How can you remember all this when you're in the swamp?

1. Resolve to use every upset as a trigger, a reminder to shift gears. Repeat a mantra that reminds you of what's important, breathe deeply to calm yourself, or just take a timeout to calm down.  In the beginning, you'll be interrupting your tantrum mid-yell. That's ok.  Stop and leave the room. Soon you'll be able to course correct before you open your mouth.
 
2. Find sustainable ways to stay centered.  Exercise, meditation, writing in a journal -- whatever works for you. Do it every day, like brushing your teeth, and for the same reason (It keeps you healthy. And without it, the world doesn't see the best of you.)

3. Consciously wean yourself off stress and delete it from your life.  Stress is not necessary; it's an addiction.  Miserable for your family, shortens your life, makes you fat, and it's impossible to be an inspired parent when you're stressed.

4. Fake it till you make it. Research shows that when we smile, our mood improves. When we speak in a loving voice, we begin to feel more tender. Our child responds to our patience with affection, and before we know it, we're out of the swamp.

5. Remember that it's all small stuff. In the long run, only love matters.

Sure, your kids will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no prefect families.  But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives.

The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction.  It's not magic, just the hard work of course correction to stay on the right path.  But if you look for it, you can always find trailmarks and support to beckon you onward to a more rewarding life. 

Just keep taking positive steps. Before you know it, you'll find your self in a whole new landscape.

"If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far." --Daniel Goleman

Today we're exploring the fifth commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!:

 Commit to teaching emotional intelligence.

Most new parents consciously strive to nurture their baby's intelligence. But in all the hoopla over the ineffectiveness of Baby Einstein tapes, we're missing the big story:  Emotional Intelligence is much more critical to your child's future than intellectual intelligence.

Managing anxiety in order to tackle a big project, managing anger in order to work through a marital conflict, managing fear in order to apply for a job -- the ability of a human being to manage his or her emotions in a healthy way will determine the quality of his life much more fundamentally than his IQ. Even as a youngster, your child's ability to read the cues of other children will make the difference between being able to join in the festivities at a birthday party and  make friends versus being a social outcast.  In fact, psychologists have come to call this ability EQ, or Emotional Intelligence Quotient.

What are the core components of high EQ?  Emotional self knowledge and self acceptance, sensitivity to the cues of others,  empathy (which can be defined as the ability to see and feel something from the other’s point of view), and the ability to regulate one’s own anxiety in order to talk about emotionally charged issues in a constructive way.

How do you teach emotional intelligence? You see every "difficult" emotion expressed by your child as an opportunity.

1. Empathize. Even if you can't "do anything" about your child's upsets, empathize. Kids develop empathy by experiencing it from others. And just being understood helps humans to let go of troubling emotions. If your child's upset seems out of proportion to the situation, remember that we all store up emotions and then let ourselves experience them once we find a safe haven. Then we're free to feel good and move on.

2. Remember that little ones can't differentiate between their emotions and their "selves." Accept your child’s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, which gives kids the message that some feelings are shameful or unacceptable. Instead, teach that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, even while actions must be limited. ("You feel so angry at your brother for pushing you! That hurt! We don't hit, but let's tell him in words that he isn't to hurt you.")

3. Give your kids words to express how they feel (“You’re mad your tower fell!”), which is the first step for kids in learning to manage the emotions that overpower them.

4. Look for the needs behind feelings. "Troublesome" feelings signal a need.  Shutting down the feelings doesn't get rid of the need, or the feeling. In fact, repressed feelings tend to pop out unmodulated, for instance when your otherwise well-behaved toddler socks her little brother.  Instead, address the need, whether it be for power ("You want to do it yourself!"), connection ("Starting school is fun, but you miss time with Mommy. Let's snuggle and play together every day after school for a bit"), or sleep ("You're having a hard time this morning.  I think everything is a bit too much for you because we all got to bed late last night and didn't get quite enough sleep. Maybe we need to spend some cozy time this morning on the couch reading a pile of books.")

5. When a desire can't be granted, acknowledge it and grant it through "wish fulfillment" (“You wish you could have a cookie.. I bet you could gobble ten cookies right now!”), then find a way to meet the deeper need ("I think you're hungry.  It's almost time for dinner but you can't wait.  Let's find a snack that makes your body feel better.")

6. Remember that anger is always a defense against deeper emotions, like fear, hurt or sadness. Acknowledge the anger, but then go under it to empathize with the deeper emotions and try to address them. ("You hate the new baby? I hear you. I see how mad you are at me for spending time with the baby.  You liked it better when it was just you and me. You feel so sad that things are different now and I am so busy with the baby.  Come snuggle with me and I will hold you and you can feel your sad and mad feelings. When you're ready I will kiss your nose and toes and we can play baby games, just you and me.")

7. Don't take it personally, and resist the urge to escalate or retaliate.  Your child has big feelings. They aren't about you, even when they're yelling "I hate you!" It's about them: their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their emotions.  When your daughter says "You NEVER understand!" try to hear that as information about her -- at this moment she feels like she's never understood -- rather than about you. Model emotional self-management by simply taking a deep breath and trying to see it from her perspective. Remind yourself that it's hard to be a kid.  She doesn't yet have the internal resources to manage her emotions -- but you do, right? 

7. Don't get lost in emotion. Emotions are a message, not a place to wallow. Teach your kids to notice them, breathe through them, NOT necessarily act on them, then problem-solve and move on. 

Emotion-coaching begins with managing our own unruly emotions so that we can coach our kids on how to handle theirs.  Tough? Yes, because most of us weren't raised this way ourselves. 

Have you noticed the silver lining? We get a chance to grow in emotional intelligence ourselves.  So if you got swatted instead of understood when you were a kid, it's never too late to have a happy childhood.