Parenting Blog

"The main difference between a master and a beginner is that the master practices more." -- Yasha Heifetz, Master Violinist

You've probably noticed that things work better with your kids when you're in a good mood. At least half of the time when we get irritated, annoyed, impatient, or frustrated at our kids, it's because we're already feeling unhappy.  Then there's a spark, our bad mood flares, and before we know it we're in the middle of a firestorm.

The other half of the time our anger is "justified" in the sense that  our kids may well act in ways that trigger us.  But that's only true if we see ourselves in opposition to our child.  The truth is, we're on the same side.  Our job is to nurture and guide, theirs is to grow and learn.  We're not really raising children -- we're raising adults.  If we can take that long view, we're more likely to remember that when our kids trigger us, we have an opportunity to teach them many things. 

Like how to regulate themselves emotionally. 

Guess how they learn that?  From us.  Kids don't have the neural pathways to calm their own turbulent feelings.  Everything seems like an emergency to them.  But when we stay calm in the face of their upsets, they calm down too -- and their bodies learn from that experience how to calm their stormy emotions. That's how those neural pathways develop.

So our child is counting on us to de-escalate the situation, because he can't.  If we can see things from his perspective,  and stay calm, he'll learn emotional self-regulation that will last for the rest of his life.

That's the trick, of course.  Most of us are still working on the "staying calm" part. Welcome to humanity.
 
But there’s really no magic in staying centered.  It’s just practice.
So each and every time you find yourself yelling, just stop.  In mid-sentence, if you have to. 
Pick yourself up.  
And any pieces you may have broken around you
...and start again.

Embrace yourself with love.
That’s always the place to start.
Then go hug your kids.

Right now, soak in your own love, self-acceptance, forgiveness, adoration.
You are more than enough, just the way you are.
This is what they mean by putting on your own oxygen mask first.
How can you stay calm? 
The same way you get to Carnegie Hall --
Practice, Practice, Practice.
Breathe...

"Our bright, energetic, connected boys often have a lot of feelings to get out every day.  We began a game called "Escape," almost by accident, when the boys were under 3.  We hold them and cackle, 'I won't let you go until all those feelings come out.....you can try to escape, but you won't....ha. ha. ha.!'  They squirm and wriggle and arch and push and slither and I hold them tight.  They laugh and yell and LOVE it.  The game ends with them cuddling up for a chat or escaping -- which is always followed by crawling back on our laps for cuddles or another round of Escape.  They now ask for Escape when they have a lot of feelings inside that they can't express.  This activity can turn an ugly day right around!" -- Lawrence Cohen

Kids build up all kinds of feelings in the course of a day.  Little things we don't even notice evoke big feelings for them. The disappointment when you say no, the frustration of learning to use a scissors, the jealousy when you smile at her brother, the fear of a barking dog, the sense of insignificance when you send just one more important text while she's talking, the powerlessness when she can't reach the light switch in the dark room, the panic when she calls and you don't answer immediately.... Throughout the course of your child's day, every stressful experience builds up cortisol, adrenalin, ACTH, and other stress hormones. 

These stress hormones make kids more cranky and tense.  (They're the same ones that soar in your own body in a challenging traffic situation.) They prevent kids from falling asleep easily. They keep kids on edge, so the slightest additional challenge triggers a tantrum.

Tantrums are nature's way of helping kids let all these feelings out. Emotional tears contain ACTH, adrenaline and other stress-related chemicals. But this only works when kids feel safe while crying -- usually they need to be in your arms or hear your soothing voice.  Kids left to cry it out alone end up with higher levels of stress hormones in their bloodstreams.

So does your kid need to cry a little every day, in your arms?  Babies probably do. Luckily, most kids don't. Like adults, kids can use laughter just as well as tears to discharge tension and built-up anxieties. 

Laughter reduces the levels of stress hormones in our bodies.  Laughter also increases beneficial hormones like endorphins and oxytocin (the happiness hormones), as well as immune system stimulants. And, as you've no doubt noticed, shared laughter creates a sense of closeness.

Can you make it a goal to share deep laughter with your child every day? Luckily, there are countless strategies -- all of which you'll enjoy.  Some of my personal favorites:

1. Start a family pillow fight.  Works great with all ages.

2. Start a family water fight.  Make sure everyone feels safe (so no hose spraying in the face) and that it's a fair fight.

3. Have a competition to take off each other's socks.

4. Crazy animal sounds, silly rhymes, funny faces.

5. Play a game of Escape (detailed in the quote above.)

If you have other favorite ideas, pleasedrop me an email and let me know.  I'll include them on my website.

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once." -- Jennifer Unlimited

We all know that it's impossible to be an inspired parent -- or a happy person -- when we're stressed out.  And yet we assume it's the only way to live.

It isn't. We choose our stressed-out pace.  Why?  Often to prove how essential we are. Sometimes just because that's how everyone else lives, and we don't know there are alternatives.  

Stress pumps you with cortisol, which keeps you from sleeping well and signals your body to put on the pounds. (After all, if you're under stress, it must be an unfriendly environment that could soon stop supplying food, right?)

If you're pregnant, stress activates certain genes in your baby that help him or her adjust to an unfriendly environment.  Trust me, you don't want those genes activated. You'd rather have a baby who wants to connect than a baby who wants to fight.

And speaking of fighting, you don't really want to respond to your bossy three year old by fighting with her, do you?  Stress makes it about a hundred times more likely that you will raise your voice to your child in any given interaction.

Luckily, stress is a choice.  You can banish it.  Ready to release stress from your life?  Here’s a baker’s dozen list of stress-reducers, all proven by researchers to actually change your biochemistry and your moods.

1. Slow down.  Most stress is caused by rushing. When you rush, your body gets the message that there's an emergency, and starts pumping out cortisol and adrenalin.  There's no reason to rush.  Leave earlier.  Leave your arrival time loose ("After her nap we'll call and come over.") Call and re-negotiate your arrival time. 

2. Stop multi-tasking. Stress research shows that when a task is not yet completed, your brain flags it and worries. The more "open" files your brain is juggling, the more stressed you feel.  Do you think multi-tasking makes you more productive?  Productivity researchers say that's an illusion.  Try finishing one task at a time. You'll be amazed how it lowers your stress level.

3. Breathe. As often as possible throughout your day, mindfully shift your state of being into calmness by slowing your breathing. You can do this while washing dishes, answering email, standing in line, driving in traffic, answering the 97th "Why, Mommy?" question of the day, or dealing with an irate coworker, customer, or toddler. 

4. Repeat a calming mantra  (“I am more than enough...This too shall pass...He’s acting like a child because he is a child...No one goes to college in diapers...I am a good enough parent...I'm just here for love.”)

5. Shift into gratitude.  Even on hard days, there is so much to be grateful for. Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every day.  Throughout your day, as often as possible, find something to say "Thank You" for.  If this is the only thing you change, it will change your entire life.

6. Don't sweat the little things.  Her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it pales in comparison to how she treats her little brother.  She's becoming a person, right before your eyes, and she's modeling herself after you, even if she doesn't show it. What a gift that you get to be her parent!  Enjoy every moment. Don't worry, she'll pick up her jacket someday.

7. Cultivate Joy.  Consciously do one thing that gives you joy every single day. Life is not a dress rehearsal.  You could drop dead tomorrow.  Don't wait to live.

8. Forgive yourself, as well as your kids and your partner, for being imperfect.  Finding fault sends your stress level soaring, and it doesn't work to make you a better person.  We act better when we feel better.

9. Simplify. Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to whatever doesn’t bring you joy. You can put off anything except love.

10. Reframe. Instead of “We’ll never find a parking space,” say “Wouldn’t it be great if we found a parking space easily?”  Instead of "That took forever" how about "That only took fifteen minutes?"  The story we tell ourselves determines how we feel.  I'm not suggesting you try to talk yourself out of grief or other strong emotions -- those you need to feel.  But I am suggesting that you could choose to feel aggrieved in response to the world quite often, or you could choose to remember that life if good.  Which feels better to your body?

11. Act “as if.”  You're stressed out.  Can't cope.  What would Jesus, Buddha, a joyous mother, do? Imagine it. Then do it.

12. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong. Crying and giggling release the same anxieties.  Cry when you have to, but laugh when you can.

13. The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, stop. Hug your child and regroup.

“My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring. I also believe that I sometimes need some mercy and love myself.” -- BarelyKnitTogether

Humans have somewhere between 10,000 and 70,000 thoughts per day. The majority of these thoughts are “negative.” Our minds, doing their job of trying to protect us, constantly compare, judge, find fault, and warn.

The information they give us is often valuable.  The nitpicking isn’t.  All those negative thoughts are what create your anxiety, upset moods and mommy or daddy tantrums. In fact, our minds’ negativity is downright destructive.

It’s our job as grownups to keep our inner critics from running our lives.  We can start by noticing all those subtle inner critic attacks.

Today, just notice every time your inner critic comments. Are you criticizing yourself?  Your kids?  Your partner?  Life?

Does that really help anybody change? (Hint: When we feel attacked, we defend.  Our natural desire to cooperate vanishes.)

Does your inner critic help you feel more relaxed, empowered, loving?

Does your inner critic help your kids feel more loved, secure, open, eager to please?

Why not kiss your inner critic goodbye?

Why not offer your family – and yourself -- some mercy and love?

You might make miracles.

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
 --  F. P. Jones

Some parents try so hard to be patient that they let things get out of hand. Then they snap. Later, they're filled with remorse. Sound familiar?

Calming down is tough. The key is to intervene BEFORE you get angry.
 
Often when we lose it with our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something has been grating on us. The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell.  It’s time to intervene in a positive way to prevent more of whatever behavior is irritating you.
 
If your irritation is coming from you -- let’s say you’ve just had a hard day, and their natural exuberance is wearing on you -- explain that and ask your kids to be considerate. Do something nice to nurture yourself.
 
If the kids are doing something that’s increasingly annoying -- playing a game in which someone is likely to get hurt, stalling when you’ve asked them to do something, squabbling while you’re on the phone -- you may need to interrupt what you’re doing.  Then:

• Make a positive connection with your child
• Empathize with whatever they’re expressing
• Restate your family rule or expectation
• Redirect them into positive activity.

Calmly, kindly, cheerfully do whatever is necessary to keep the situation, and your anger, from escalating. 

There's always a solution besides losing it. Sending them outside? Snuggling with him on the couch for 15 minutes?  Dropping whatever you were doing for five minutes so you can move her along into whatever she's supposed to be doing? Roaring like a lion and getting the kids to all join in? Taking five minutes alone in the bathroom to breathe deep and regroup? 

The miracle comes when you face the fact of your rising irritation, instead of trying to ignore it or reflexively yelling.  That helps you notice the accident that could lie ahead -- and your chance to step in like the super-parent that you are, to avert disaster.