Parenting Blog

"Want to feel as playful and vibrant as your children? Want to feel an abundance of energy?  Want to experience greater clarity in all you do? Want to wake up jazzed about the day ahead?  Imagine taking care of yourself in all the marvelous ways you take care of others. It makes sense that, if you shifted self-care onto the top of your priority list, you would feel more rested, more centered, more present to your loved ones, more joyful..." -- womansfieldguide.com

Yesterday my weekly newsletter included the article "10 Commitments You Can Make to Become a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!"  A number of readers wrote asking me to cover each of these commitments in more detail.  Today, we begin with #1:

Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves.

Nobody is centered all the time. This commitment is about noticing when you get off balance and finding ways to course-correct.  Equally important, it's about creating a healthy foundation so the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (and children!) don't faze you.  How?  Integrate daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life, to keep your mood happy and resourceful:

• Make a list of things that make you feel joyful, and do at least one thing from your Joy list every single day. It can be as simple as a hot bath or as elaborate as getting a sitter so you can spend the evening out.
• Make a list of things you can do with your kids to shift the mood and energy when things get tough: Put on music and dance? Make popcorn? Spend the afternoon snuggling on the couch with a blanket and a pile of books? Get everyone outside for an hour?
• The minute your mood veers from loving to frazzled, stop. Breathe deep. Remind yourself that everything is better when you stay calm. Hug your children and regroup. 
• Start going to bed an hour earlier so you're better rested in the morning.
• Notice the times each day that stress you (bedtime? dinner prep? getting dressed?).  Write out a routine for that time of day, post it, and keep refining it until you can enjoy it stress-free.
• Figure out healthful snacks and meals that you actually love eating and can prepare quickly.
• Drop the addictions that are sapping your energy (you know what they are) and substitute other ways to recharge your batteries and indulge yourself. Get help if you need to as you break old habits.
• Slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life. Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to everything you can that doesn’t bring you joy.
• Forget about having a calm and orderly life. (You have kids, right?) Instead, aspire to remain gracious in the face of the unexpected. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong.
• Adopt a simple mindfulness practice to stay in balance. It can be as simple as putting post-its reminding you to Breathe on your dashboard, mirror, and fridge.
• Transform those inner negative voices in your head into your inner cheerleader and shower yourself with encouragement.
• Forgive yourself every day for all the ways you aren't perfect, and accept yourself, warts and all. Only parents who can make peace with their own imperfection can fully accept and love their children (who are by definition imperfect.)
• Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every single day.

Make sure your child gets the best of you, not what's left of you after life wears you down each day.  What’s your plan today to fill your own cup with love and joy?

“My memories of Christmas as a child are of stress. My mother wanted everything to be perfect and got so worked up trying to do it all that it made the rest of the family crazy. I remember my dad comforting me when I was about 8yrs-old, I was crying and said 'I hate Christmas' and he said 'I do, too, honey. We just have to get through it.' For my kids I try to be relaxed and fun. We make ornaments for friends and family in December and give them out as we see people — gets us into the giving without thought of receiving. We take time to see the lights around town, to decorate and appreciate our tree. We talk about the other festivals of lights and remember that feasting and gifts are to make the darkest, coldest time of year merry. We celebrate the return of the sun. We relax and play and laugh and appreciate each other." --  Amy S

What's the #1 Parenting Survival Skill, in December and all year long?  No, not knowing how to out-argue your 11 year old, charm your 3 year old into cooperating, or even get your baby to sleep through the night.  The #1 parenting survival skill with any age child is to manage and nurture yourself so that you can stay calm and loving with your child.

Remember that the holidays are stressful for kids, and they depend on you.  Your good mood helps your child to regulate his own mood. If you’re out of balance, you won’t be able to help your kid stay on an even keel. In fact, if you’re anxious about everything you have to get done, I promise you that your child will begin to act out.

Your child doesn't need a magazine-spread holiday. She needs you, in a good mood, living the spirit of the season and spreading love and good cheer.  How?

• Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to whatever doesn’t bring you joy.
• Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong. The dog ate the turkey?  Order Chinese food and make the best of it.  This will give you so much laughter as you tell the story over the years that it's well worth the temporary disappointment!
• Be sure your own expectations of the season are reasonable. (What makes you think your difficult relative will suddenly be less difficult this year?)
• Make sure you nurture yourself and stay in balance. Start by getting enough sleep.
• The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, stop. Hug your children and regroup.
• Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every day.
• At New Years, pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on a job well done, not just in December, but all year long.

What’s your plan today to fill your own cup with love and joy?
May your day be filled with miracles, large and small.

“Commanding the pressures of this life begins with understanding that the stress we feel is first an inside job. In and of itself, there is no such thing as a "pressurized" moment… any pressure we come to feel in any given moment is the unhappy effect of.. of some hidden agent within us acting on the ordinarily free-flowing content of each of these moments." -- Guy Finley

December has a way of overwhelming us.  Even if we love the holidays, there are always extra tasks that increase our anxiety. In addition to the stresses that affect everyone else, those of us with kids find ourselves juggling school holiday events, agonizing over teacher and nanny gifts, negotiating gift demands from children who've been bombarded with too many TV ads...

How to cope?  Realize that the pressure actually starts inside you. We all want to redeem ourselves as parents by giving our children perfect holidays. And the media frenzy creates a perfect storm of high expectations that can only lead to meltdowns all around.

A picture-perfect holiday is impossible, of course. And the pressure to make one undermines what our kids really need from us. Which is?  Yes, you guessed it.  A relaxed, loving parent who makes time every evening to snuggle and look at the holiday lights, and spends a weekend afternoon helping the kids make presents. Who communicates the deeper meaning of the holiday by giving kids simple family traditions, and sets limits on the commercialism that leaves kids feeling unfulfilled (for the most impact, ban TV for the month),

Are you wondering how you could possibly find time for those snuggles and present-making sessions? There's only one way.  Give up something else.

My house is even messier than usual over the holidays. My extended family long ago got used to my gifts, which are limited to homemade (with the kids, of course) cookies and a donation in their names. Teachers get cookies and appreciative notes.  I give presents to my nieces and nephews, of course, but most of those are ordered online.  I haven't been to a mall in years.

Your choices might be different. But I encourage you to think about the memories your kids are shaping this December, not of the holiday, but of you.  When they look back, will they describe a parent who communicated the spirit of the season with laughter, warm embraces, gracious patience? 

What could you do to make it easy for you to be that parent?

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen.  When they're finished, I climb out."  -- Erma Bombeck

So how did taking care of yourself go yesterday? Did you find a way to make yourself feel happier and less stressed?  (Work out? Take a walk?  Meditate? Pray?)  Can you do that again today? If you're having a hard time fitting this in, think of it as something you do so you can be a more inspired parent.

Today, notice what happens when your kid does something that makes you want to scream. When you get upset, doesn't it escalate the situation?  When you can stay calm, doesn't it settle things down? 

Maybe you're wondering how your child will learn not to do such things if you stay calm.  Research shows that when we get upset, our kids get more upset -- and the learning functions of their brains shut down. Kids learn best through a limit given empathically so that it lessens their upset, followed by a problem-solving discussion once they calm down.

And, of course, when kids act their worst it's because they're feeling their worst, which is when they most need our love and intervention.  Spanking, yelling, even timeouts don't give an upset kid what she needs to learn to manage herself.

So what can you do today when your kid makes you want to scream?  Take a deep breath and stay calm. Set a limit as empathically as you can. Connect with your child and help him calm down. Then talk with him about how he might handle such a situation in the future. ("I know you're mad, but we don't throw toys.  Let's sit together and calm down for a few minutes....hmmm...so you were really mad, huh?...hmmm...What could you do next time instead of throwing something?....do you think you could call me for help?")

You'll be amazed when your child starts participating in your "problem-solving" discussions, and even more amazed when she starts using the solutions you come up with, even when she's upset.  Before you know it, your child won't make you feel like screaming.  How's that for creating a miracle?

""If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through." -- Chinese Proverb

Do you ever feel discouraged?  You wouldn't be human if you didn't. 

Sometimes we all need a little help to climb out of the holes that dot the landscape of our lives.  Yes, some of these holes we dig ourselves (when we aren't watching!) with our own poor choices. Some are just biology -- we wake up tired or cranky.  And some are the gopher holes the universe has a way of putting in front of us to make us pay attention.

So what can you do to turn a day like that around?

1. Focus on the positive. Feeling blue?  Honor those feelings by letting them wash over you for a few minutes and breathing through them without thinking or indulging in a story about them. Then find a thought that makes you feel a little better, and consciously shift your mood. Throughout your day, keep finding positive thoughts that make you feel a bit better. When you notice a negative thought, rephrase it positively and find something to be grateful for.

2. Feed your soul. Find a way to reconnect to the wellsprings inside that nourish you.  Even two minutes sitting in silence without thinking can change your whole day. Can't find even two minutes to yourself?  Grab that cranky kid and get moving, outside.  Breathe deep, get those endorphins going by moving, and find even a little patch of nature to bring you back to all that's green and good.

3. Surround yourself with uplifting messages. I know, your kids are screaming.  But if you turn off the TV and put on some soothing music, you'll be amazed how fast the mood in your house changes. And while you're at it, stay away from anyone who wants to complain and tell you about their terrible day. Instead, keep inspirational books handy and read a page or two several times during your day.

4. Give what's missing.  It's hard to give when you feel depleted inside. But did you know that you can change any situation by offering what's missing?  If you want your children to treat you with more consideration, slow down and consciously connect with them. If you're feeling unloved, give your kids some extra snuggles at bedtime. One of the amazing secrets of life is that extending our love to others feeds us, too.

5. Say YES! Make peace with the mess. Life isn't tidy.  It's full of gopher holes.  But that's how we grow.  You can either spend your days with a chip on your shoulder, or you can say YES! to the whole imperfect mess, including your all-too-human self. Next time you step in a gopher hole, shrug, and laugh a little. Play a little. Live a little. Maybe even a lot.