Parenting Blog

"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label.  Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom."
-- Anonymous

Are there things about your child that drive you crazy?  Often we think we our job is to "stamp out" those traits and mold the perfect child.  But humans can't pare away our weaknesses, because they're the flip side of our strengths.  That's who we ARE.

If she has trouble controlling her anger when her brother disrespects her, is she an equally passionate fighter against other injustices?  Is his dawdling a sign of immense imagination  --  like Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, is he secretly Spaceman Spiff?  Will her emphasis on socializing shape the perfect talk-show host?  Will his stubbornness help him succeed at a difficult task against all odds?

We can't sculpt our kids. All we can really do is give them nurturing conditions in which to grow into who they are, and teach them to manage their weaknesses so their strengths can blossom. 

Instead of making her feel bad about herself, Reframe:  This "weakness" is of great value if she can learn to manage it.  How can you help her do that?

"An impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a 'Good job!'"-- Alfie Kohn

If you think you should always praise your kids, you may be surprised to hear that studies show praise often backfires.

We know that rewards rob kids of the joy inherent in an accomplishment.  For instance, kids who receive money for grades stop taking joy in a job well done and operate in single-minded pursuit of the monetary reward, even to the point of being more likely to cheat.

But it turns out that praise, given it's potency as a reward, has similar effects. Kids who are praised for eating vegetables learn that vegetables aren't inherently delicious -- they need to come with a spoonful of sugar in the form of praise.  Kids who are praised for reading learn that reading isn't inherently rewarding -- you have to be rewarded for doing it.  And kids who are praised for sharing begin to share less, because they have apparently learned from the praise that no one in their right mind would share out of the goodness of their heart.

Maybe worst of all, studies show that kids who are praised a lot conclude that someone is constantly evaluating their performance.  They become much more insecure about expressing their own ideas and opinions, worried about whether they will measure up. 

Positive evaluations, like "What a smart boy!" sabotage children.  Kids who are told they're smart don't want to disprove it so they avoid situations in which they may not appear smart, such as learning new things they might have to work at. They often simply give up at a task they could master with a little effort. (By contrast, when we comment on kids' effort -- "You are really working at that" -- they work harder.)

To review, Praise:
1. Robs kids of their joy in their accomplishments.
2. Makes it less likely that they will independently practice the behaviors they are praised for.
3. Undermines kids' self-confidence and teaches them to look for outside feedback to feel ok.
4. Keeps kids from applying themselves for fear they won't live up to the praise.

But that doesn't mean you can't engage positively with your child.  The key is unconditional positive regard -- seeing your child and saying what you see -- rather than conditional praise. 

Tomorrow:  What to say instead of praising.

"Dear Dr. Laura.....I have no idea how to be the parent who doesn’t yell….it is so deeply ingrained into me..."

It isn't easy to stop yelling.  You can desperately want to, and still find yourself screaming. Of course, it's completely justified by your child's behavior, if you want to look at it that way.  And it's probably predictable, if you look at your own upbringing.

But we all know that our kids respond better if we don't yell.  Instead of escalating a difficult situation, if we can stay calm, it settles everyone else down.  Our relationship with our child strengthens.  They cooperate more.  They start to control their own emotions more.  Bottom line: How can you expect your child to control his own emotions if you don't control yours?

if you know that you want to stop yelling, I assure you that it's completely possible -- no matter how ingrained it is.  It's not rocket science. It takes about three months. Like learning the piano, you start playing scales today, you practice daily, and soon you can pick out simple tunes. In a year you can play a sonata.

Will it be hard to stop yelling?  Yes. It doesn't happen as if by magic. It takes constant, daily effort.  No one can do it for you. But I've seen hundreds of parents do it.

Want to get started?

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty. Stress kills your relationships, your compassion, and your body.

2. Set limits with your kids before things get out of control, while you can still be empathic and keep your sense of humor.

3. Stop controlling and start connecting. You're yelling because you want to change your child's behavior, right? Take the time to see things from your kid's point of view. She has a reason for what she's doing. It may not be what you think is a good reason, but if you address the reason, you change the behavior. Without raising your voice.

4. Manage your mind so you aren’t letting fear run you. There’s only ever one choice – love or fear. Choose love. Love never fails.

5. Think "CALM." You can never control the other person, only yourself.  Luckily, that's enough. Do whatever you need to, to stay calm in the situation.  Whatever your child has just done, you will react more constructively from a place of calm.  Don't escalate the storm.  Your child is counting on you to be the calming influence.

6. Just Stop, Drop, and Breathe.  Remember that you'll make mistakes. When you find yourself in the middle of losing your temper, stop. Breathe. Walk out of the room, even if you were mid-sentence. When you're calm, start over. 

Before you know it, you'll catch yourself before you start yelling. It may seem like a miracle, but this is something you can do. Which doesn't make it less of a miracle.

That's it.  Hard, yes.  But you can do this.  Want some support?  My Teleseminar this Friday is a for parents who want to stop yelling.  Come talk with me.

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."  --  Virginia Satir

Sometimes I hear from parents that their child is a bottomless pit.  If your child is sucking up all you can give and still not thriving, you might be putting your energy in the wrong place. Kids who hunger for your connection to the point that they act out usually need that connection on a non-verbal level. 

>Spending time with them baking cookies might make them happy because they get to lick the bowl, but it doesn't fill their deeper hunger to be held, physically and emotionally.  Spending time reading to him might be intellectually stimulating, but it won't answer his deeper questions about whether he's loved and valued for who he is. Teaching her to throw a ball might be a good bonding experience, but if she's hitting her little sister because she's afraid you don't love her as much, it's an indirect (and less effective) route to healing her fear.

If your child feels like a bottomless pit, try this experiment: 

1. Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling.  Revel in touching your child.  Don't structure this time.  Just kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Play the physical games you played when she was tiny.  If you tickle, be very gentle and stop immediately if your child asks you to. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention.

2. If your child talks, listen closely and commiserate, so he feels understood. Resist the urge to lecture or teach. Drop any agenda except appreciating your child. Mostly, just be physical, not verbal.

3. Turn resistance into a game. Sometimes when parents begin this experiment, kids resist because they aren't sure they trust the idea of more closeness.  They ridicule the parent or wriggle away.  If this happens, turn it into a game.  Become a hapless bumbler, begging for a hug or kiss.  "I just need my fix of Eli" you might say.  "Just one little hug."  Crawl after him, grab an ankle to kiss, and if he wriggles away again, let him escape while continuing your clumsy pursuit.  "I'll never give up...I can't live without kissing you!"  Take your cues from him, but if he lets himself be caught, kiss him all over, saying "Oh, I just need these delicious Eli kisses....Finally!"  Notice I'm not recommending tickling, which can make kids feel over-powered.  Giggling, on the other hand, is a great way to let off pent-up emotions (and much more fun for the parent than tears), as long as the child feels in control of the game.

4. Welcome all emotion.  Parents frequently report that they have a lovely time with their child only to have the kid throw a violent tantrum later that day.  Kids often respond to increased closeness by letting out emotions they haven't felt safe showing you before.  So when you end the play session, if your child creates a crisis or suddenly becomes difficult, don't be surprised. Remind yourself that this is a good thing, a result of increased trust;  she's using this opportunity to heal old wounds. Set whatever loving limit you need to ("We can't play more now but we will have special time again tomorrow.") If your child responds with anger or upset, offer empathy and hold her while she cries.  ("That makes you really sad. That's ok.  Everybody feels sad and needs to cry sometimes.") If she's mad, that's ok too, just empathize and she'll almost certainly collapse into tears. Afterwards, she'll feel closer to you and more cooperative.

If you have a hard time getting into this experiment, pull out your child's baby pictures.  Go through them together, oohing and ahhing about how cute he was ("Almost as cute as you are now!" you say with a kiss.)  This will put both of you in touch with a simpler time when your adoration of your child was easily accessible -- and your physical connection touched both your souls.

"We can't bear the fear, so we lash out. Does that really help? Our evolutionary hope is that we can pause and have the courage to feel what's there....and in that pause, where there's more awareness, we can have the intelligence and compassion to make a wiser decision."  -- Tara Brach

If you're human, you feel fear on a regular basis. If you're a parent, you probably have fears regarding your child every single day.  Is this crying normal or is it colic? Will he still be wearing diapers in college?  Will she ever go to sleep without me lying down with her?  Does this bullying mean he'll be a criminal? Will she even make it through adolescence? Am I a terrible parent?

Because decisions made from fear are never our best decisions, fear is not our friend.  But the problem isn't really the fear. Our emotions take about one minute to arise and pass away. The problem is that:

• We tell ourselves stories that perpetuate our fears.  These stories amplify our fears and keep them active in our bodies for hours, days, years.
• Our children pick up on our stories and live them out.
• We can't bear our fears, so we lash out -- at our child, our self, our partner.  (The best defense is a good offense.)

1. Name the fear.  Shamans say that when we name our fear, it loses power.  Brain research shows that when we name our fear, there's more brain activity in the frontal cortex (which is reasoning), and less in the limbic system (which is panic.)  Put your hand on your heart. What are you actually afraid of? Notice that when you bring awareness to observing the fear, it has less control over you. 

2. Don't act on the fear.  Instead, sit with it. When you stop fighting fear, or running from it, it loses its power.  Our reflex is to pull away, to clench up.  But if you can sit with the fear, breath into it, you start to dissolve it. If you're losing sleep about your child, try just sitting, breathing, tolerating the fear.  Resist the urge to take action or lash out.

3. Drop the story that's making you fearful.  It could be that your kid will still be wearing diapers when he graduates from college, or still whacking his little sister, but it isn't likely.  Whatever story you're telling yourself about your kid is making things worse.  He's acting like a kid because he is a kid, and his challenging behavior is a plea for help. Your loving presence is the beginning of healing. That's the only story you need.

4. Bathe yourself in love and connection. The only real antidote to fear is love. The Dalai Lama says "Just imagine you're held in the heart of the Buddha." You might imagine tenderly holding your child when she was a newborn, or being held yourself.

5. Use a mantra:  "Whatever happens, I can handle it."  Fear is just the panic that we won't be able to handle something. But the truth is, whatever happens, you can handle it. And you can handle it from a much better place if you're anchored in love rather than driven by fear.