Parenting Blog

"If you entertain thoughts that... your child is manipulating you, taking advantage of you, ignoring you, or disrespecting you -- you will often feel annoyed, irritated, and angry.  However, when instead you think in terms of the needs that you and your child are trying to meet, then you are more likely to feel compassion and connection.  And you are much more likely to take action that contributes to your child's well-being as well as your own."  -- Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hodson

Is your child's behavior irritating you? Whether he's whining, bossy, or defiant, here's why -- what you can do about it.  READ POST

"Dr. Laura, I appreciate all the posts about how to stay calm. They really help.  But what about those times when my kid does something really awful -- and deserves what's coming to him?! Won't he misinterpret it if I stay calm then? How do I teach him a lesson?" -- Claudine

Because we're better parents when we’re calm, my daily inspiration emails lately have focused on mindfulness -- noticing our own moods and emotions, so we have a choice about whether to act on them.

Here's the thing to remember about that choice.  We have to Choose to calm ourselves.  Just like our child has to choose to "act right" when everything in him wants to act "wrong." And it's just as hard.

Claudine is describing how tough it is to choose to give our child what he needs, over giving him what we think he "deserves." But if we're honest, that "giving him what he's got coming" smacks of revenge, not teaching.  READ POST

Dr. Laura, I see how all your mindfulness techniques make me a more patient mother.  But I am a little overwhelmed.  When I find my temper rising, what can I do in that moment?  I know yelling doesn't work. I know that my inner critic that tells me I'm a bad mother just makes things worse. But how do I remember what to do?" -- Cara

You don't need to remember lots of mindfulness strategies.  Mindfulness is just bringing your awareness to your own feelings and thoughts.  Once you notice your "temper rising" you've given yourself a heads-up that trouble's brewing, and you have a choice about how to respond.

Your goal, always, is to stay calm. If you don't feel calm, breathe your way through the anger without taking action. Why? You'll make better decisions, more in keeping with the parent you want to be. The rational brain stops working when you're angry.  READ POST

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." -- Victor Frankl

"Dr. Laura -- Your emails on how mindfuless makes us better parents are useful, I admit. But I signed up for your email to help me change my kid's behavior, not mine!" -- Gerri

Mindfulness is not about changing anyone, it's about bringing our attention to our experience.  But the magic of loving attention is that changes everything it touches -- us, and also our child.  Because when we change our way of showing up with our kids, their behavior changes. Let me explain.  READ POST

“The things that piss you off about your kids are the things you haven’t learned to love and embrace about yourself.  Once you heal that part of you and accept it, your kids change – or their behavior no longer bothers you. The universe is constantly reflecting back to us where we have the opportunity to grow, learn more, love more.“ -- James Ray

When our kids push our buttons, it's always a growth opportunity.  Does that mean you let your kids get away with bad behavior?  Of course not. You set limits.  But if you can use the opportunity to notice and heal your own issues, you'll find your limits are a lot more effective in changing your child's behavior.  Why?  READ POST

"You are a great wizard. You can use your powers to practice white magic on yourself instead of the other kind. The most basic way to do that is to concentrate on naming, savoring, and feeling gratitude for the blessings you do have -- your love for your kid, the pleasures of eating the food you like, the sight of the sky at dusk, the entertaining drama of your unique fate. Don't ignore the bad stuff, but make a point of celebrating the beautiful stuff with all the exuberant devotion you can muster."  -- Rob Brezsny   READ POST

"It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”  -- Tom Robbins

The ability to bounce back into a state of well-being even when life throws us unexpected challenges is called stable internal happiness.  Some of us are lucky enough to develop it early in life. But if (like most of us) you're still working on how to do that, consider remedial parenting.
 
Remedial just means "improving skills," and most of us need to improve our internal self-management skills, which is the way we "parent" ourselves.  That's right, you're not only parenting your child every day -- You're parenting yourself.  You carry a parent around in your head, coaching you through your day.   READ POST