Parenting Blog

"Dr. Markham -- When I stop and take a breath, I am amazed at the amount of negative thoughts in my head—typically criticizing my ability as a mom, or a wife, or an employee, or a daughter or a friend. It’s so hard to feel like I’m doing anything well at all.  How do we get out of the negative thought patterns?" -- Amy

"Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions." – Hafiz   READ POST

"The imperfections of a man, his frailties, his faults, are just as important as his virtues. You can't separate them. They're wedded." -- Henry Miller

Most of us judge ourselves harshly. We're so far from perfect.  We overslept, ate that cake, forgot to return a phone call, yelled at our kid, didn't feed him a hot breakfast, hustled him out the door so fast he forgot his homework.  And while we're judging ourselves, how's the kid turning out?  Not so perfect either? 

Nothing makes us more anxious than whether our children are turning out ok.  READ POST

"Most of us seem to carry a nagging inner chorus of self-judgments and harsh, unkind thoughts: echoes of the less-enlightened voices of our parents, internalized oppression, self-protective defenses that long ago lost their utility. We strive so hard to do the right thing, to somehow convince these voices that we are worthy, that we are enough.   But we are arguing our case before a rigged jury.  These voices are tape recordings that only know how to say, "Guilty as charged!  Not good enough!"  -- Robert Gass  READ POST

"Dr. Laura....I would never spank my child.  But I don't want to let her get away with bad behavior, either.  How do I make sure she learns how to behave?"-- Ingrid

All of us want to raise children who become considerate, responsible, self-disciplined, happy adults.  The only question is how best to do that.  Luckily, we know the answer.  Research studies have been following children for decades, and we already know what works and what doesn't to raise great kids.   READ POST

"It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”  -- Tom Robbins

The ability to bounce back into a state of well-being even when life throws us unexpected challenges is called stable internal happiness.  Some of us are lucky enough to develop it early in life. But if (like most of us) you're still working on how to do that, consider remedial parenting.
 
Remedial just means "improving skills," and most of us need to improve our internal self-management skills, which is the way we "parent" ourselves.  That's right, you're not only parenting your child every day -- You're parenting yourself.  You carry a parent around in your head, coaching you through your day.  If you want to show up as an inspired parent for your child, you have to transform that parent in your head, too.  READ POST

"Giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight." -- Tara Parker Pope  READ POST

I'm a fan of the book the Continuum Concept, and I follow a parenting list dedicated to the principles outlined in that book.  I'm often moved to tears by the wisdom and eloquence of the parents on the list.

Today, one mom wrote in asking for opinions from other parents about a tickling incident between her husband and three year old daughter.  Mom's concern was that the game ended when Dad put a blanket over Daughter's head, which terrified her so that she "cried bloody murder."  Mom suspected Dad was using the blanket to "teach consequences" and it made her uneasy.  I was moved to respond to her.

I hear your uneasiness. Having a blanket put over one's head could be a terrifying experience.  I can't imagine doing that to "set a limit" on a child's behavior, or to "teach consequences" because it has nothing to do with the behavior.  It is a retaliation of force, and a scary one.  READ POST