Parenting Blog

"If all you did was just look for things to appreciate you would live a joyous, spectacular life."
- Jerry & Esther Hicks

You could probably find negative things to say to your child all day long.  All of them "deserved" and none of them effective in helping your child want to behave. 

"Get out of bed right now...Aren't you ready yet?....You'd lose your head if it wasn't on your shoulders....How many times have I told you?....Stop that right now...You're wearing me out....Pick up that jacket...Don't start with me....Leave your sister alone...Are you listening to me?...What part of No don't you understand?"

Whenever you feel like criticizing your kid, you’re reacting out of fear.  Fear that your child won’t grow up ok, because either you or your child isn’t good enough.  That’s your inner critic, and regardless of what it tells you, it isn't always right.    READ POST

 “The single biggest enemy of your happiness is your neurological fear network.  We think of fear as just a thought, but it’s not.  The fabric of fear has been woven into our brains, creating a neurological entity that has lasted as long as mankind.  The fear system is insidious and full of deceit. When we are tormented by the many faces of fear — perfectionism, obsession, insecurity, shyness, guilt — we often try to make sense of our pain by assuming that something is wrong with our lives.”
-- Dan Baker, Ph.D.

The biggest enemy of your happiness is fear.  It shows up as perfectionism, guilt, worry.  That doesn't mean something's wrong with you -- that's just how human minds are designed.  They work hard to keep us safe.  But happiness is nowhere in their job description.     READ POST

"I am convinced that seeing your child in distress, and particularly if that distress is directed at you, is the most dysregulating experience there is. Wild, out of control thoughts of epic disaster come unbidden. Rage, self doubt and other destructive feelings quickly cloud your thinking. What if you could work to push those thoughts aside, and in a way analogous to meditation, concentrated on being in the moment, concentrated on remembering to breathe? It would help you focus on your child, and on the immediate task before you rather than its global implications." – Claudia Gold

When our child acts out, or lashes out, it's natural for us to panic.  We move into "fight, flight or freeze"  and our child looks like the enemy.  We all know whatever we do next won't serve our child's growth and healing, but we're in the grip of strong emotions, and we can't help ourselves. 

Or can we? What if there were three steps that would help you shift back into calm, AND keep your child from getting upset as often?  There are.
 
STEP 1:  Get Your Own Emotions Regulated
1. STOP, DROP whatever else you're doing and BREATHE deeply. 
2. Reduce the pressure:  Remind yourself that there is no emergency.  No one is dying.
3. Change Your Thoughts: Say a little mantra in your mind:  "She's acting like a child because she IS a child.  I'm the grown-up here."
4. Physically release your tension:
Notice where you're holding tension in your body and shake it out.
Take a deep breath and blow it out.
Make a loud (but nonthreatening) sound.
Get a drink of water.
5. Be Here Now.  If you can bring yourself into the present moment, your upset will drop away.  Give yourself permission not to worry about the future or the past. In this moment, what action would be healing?  Anything else can wait.

Step 2: Shift the Energy
1. Make things emotionally safe.  Say "We're having a hard time, Sweetie. Let's try a Do-Over."
2. Empathize.    Acknowledge your child's perspective. "Seems like you want ______. "
3. Find the common ground. ""But I need _______.  What can we do?" 
4. Help your child get emotionally regulated.  Kids usually do this best by crying or raging in the safety of our arms/presence. Breathe your way through this, reminding yourself that afterwards, he will feel safe, connected to you, and cooperative.

Step 3:  Learn the Lesson
1. Learn. When you're calm, reflect on what you can learn from what happened.  How can you support yourself to stay more emotionally regulated?  (Allow more time, get more sleep, better organization, fewer commitments, see things from your child's perspective more?)
2. Teach. Later, when you and your child feel calm and connected, say "We had a hard moment today, didn't we?  I'm sorry I got upset.  I guess I was worried.  When you _____, I feel ______.  What can both of us do differently next time?"
3. Change. If this is a recurring situation, make a list of possible solutions and start trying them.  Life is too short to endure the same lessons over and over again.

You won't remember these steps in the heat of the moment.  Why not print out a little cheat sheet and carry it around with you?  A few months of practice, and you won't even remember the last time you lost your temper. 

The biggest payoff?  Your child will become more emotionally even-keeled, too.  How's that for a great start to your new year?  READ POST

"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label.  Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom."
-- Anonymous

Are there things about your child that drive you crazy?  Often we think we our job is to "stamp out" those traits and mold the perfect child.  But humans can't pare away our weaknesses, because they're the flip side of our strengths.  That's who we ARE.

If she has trouble controlling her anger when her brother disrespects her, is she an equally passionate fighter against other injustices?  Is his dawdling a sign of immense imagination  --  like Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, is he secretly Spaceman Spiff?  Will her emphasis on socializing shape the perfect talk-show host?  Will his stubbornness help him succeed at a difficult task against all odds?

We can't sculpt our kids. All we can really do is give them nurturing conditions in which to grow into who they are, and teach them to manage their weaknesses so their strengths can blossom.    READ POST

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."  --  Virginia Satir  READ POST

"We can't bear the fear, so we lash out. Does that really help? Our evolutionary hope is that we can pause and have the courage to feel what's there....and in that pause, where there's more awareness, we can have the intelligence and compassion to make a wiser decision."  -- Tara Brach  READ POST