Parenting Blog

"Let there be times when you don't tell someone everything you know about her problem, even if your understanding of it is better than hers." -- Guy Finley

Ever notice how kids don't really want to hear your solutions to their problems?  Teenagers, particularly, often react with downright hostility when we give them our good advice.  But even eight year olds like to think they can solve their own problems.

And they can. Especially if they have a parent with a warm heart who's willing to really listen, and simply reflect what they say.  "Hmm...So you got pretty mad, huh? ...Sounds like you're considering giving him a piece of your mind.....But you think that might make things worse?...You're wondering if it might be better to....."

Before you know it, your kid gives you a quick hug and dashes out the door.  With lots of confidence in his ability to sort out his own life.  What a wonderful parent!  And what a lucky kid.

My Aha! Parenting moment this week happened on the beach.  I live in New York City.  I'm not a city person, but that’s where my husband’s work is, so that’s where we live.  The whole year long I wait for August, when I’m lucky enough to spend the month on an island off the coast of NY.  I write, my husband comes out on weekends, and the kids work as counselors at the summer camp where they were once campers. 

Every morning I get up, get the kids fed, and take the dog to the beach.  I do some of my best thinking on these daily walks, and I always come back happy, feeling completely blessed.  I also take a plastic shopping bag, which I fill with the trash I come across on our walk.  Most of this is plastic balloons, plastic water bottles, plastic bags, or other plastic that washes in with the tide, so I shudder to think how much plastic there is in the ocean.  I never find beach glass anymore, just beach plastic.

So why is this an Aha! parenting moment?

Well, I was thinking about why I do this.  The beach is pretty empty, so no one really notices what I'm doing, and those who do may well assume I'm a bit nuts.  My little bag of trash every day is hardly going to cleanse the ocean.  So does it really matter?  Why bother?

What I realized is that I do this for my kids.  Yes, so they’ll have a cleaner ocean to swim in.  But also as an act of faith.  An example that our every action matters.  That even when a positive action seems invisible, seems hopeless, it always matters to do the right thing. I want my kids to know that.

The other Aha! is that my beach cleaning is a lot like parenting.

Much of the time, parenting feels invisible.  Whether we speak harshly to our toddler, whether we let our five year old eat junk food or our nine year old stay up too late, whether we harden our heart towards our teen.  Who's to know?

Almost worse, who notices all those acts of sheer heroism?  Walking the floor at night with a screaming baby, navigating the supermarket with our two year old, answering yet another "Why, Mommy?" question from our four year old, helping our seven year old learn to control his temper, patiently insisting on civility from our 11 year old, keeping a sense of humor with our 14 year old, controlling our panic when our 16 year old misses curfew...

Putting our needs aside time after time and summoning up the positive energy to love our kids through all those moments where any sane adult would have a tantrum.  Who even notices?  Maybe -- especially -- not even our kids, who aren't known for expressing gratitude to parents.

But parenting isn't really invisible.  Like nutrients, our every act is a building block in our child's emotional foundation.  Think of one of those nutritional pyramids:  Every day our kids need 12 hugs, 10 acknowledgments for positive behavior,  6 fun interactions, 4 limits set with empathy, 2 opportunities to learn a skill that will increase self-esteem, and 1 bedtime story. 

Dr. Haim Ginott says:  “Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression.”

I think he’s right.  Children really are like wet cement.  And we only have so much time before it dries.

"Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life."
-- Maureen Hawkins

When my son was born, I spent the whole night gazing at him and making promises.  The next morning, I couldn't believe that the hospital let us take him home.  Zero supervision, zero training, just two completely inexperienced parents and this tiny, fragile, brand new person.

Such an enormous responsibility, so little preparation, so few answers, such high stakes.  The sheer impossibility of our task is what makes parents so critical of each other.  We need desperately to believe we have done, are doing, the right thing.

Of course, there are no perfect parents.  I broke many of those promises to my son.  Some of them wouldn't have been good for him, but some I broke simply because I'm human.  The miracle is that most of the time, love carries us through, and our kids come out fine.

What about those times when you can't find your love, when you just feel angry and resentful and like giving up? That's human too.  The secret is that the love didn't vanish.  It's still there, under the anger.  If you can find a way to take care of yourself, so you're willing to let go of the anger, love will still carry you through.  But you're the parent, so you have to lead the way back to love.  That's the promise we all make when we bring a child into the world.

"The average parent spends twice as long each day dealing with their email as they do playing with their child." — British government survey finding

We all know that feeling of trying to tear ourselves away from the computer to tend to our kid.  Back in the days when more of our work was manual -- kneading bread dough, darning socks -- we could at least attend to kids while we accomplished our tasks.  Computers rivet our attention and take us right out of the room. Our kids feel that.

Of course, dealing with kids can be challenging at the end of a long day.  Most parents say they have to psych themselves up to remain calm and cheerful through the dinner, bath and bedtime routine.  But the tone of this time together is what creates the fabric of your child's life. 

Can you make your child your priority for these few hours?  Can you resist that urgent need to quickly check your email, and focus instead on connecting with your kid?  Can you stay calm through all the bedtime testing so the last thing your child feels is safe warmth, rather than angry threats?

How?

• Implement a routine -- make a chart with pictures -- so things go smoothly.
• Divide parental time equally between kids.
• Give each child some private quality time after lights-out for a snuggle and low-key check-in.
• Don't do anything else during the bedtime routine so you can focus on moving it along.
• Go to bed early enough yourself so you aren't exhausted the next evening during the bedtime routine.

May your evening be filled with miracles, large and small.

I was walking down a NY city street last Sunday when I saw a young family out walking.  Mom was pregnant.  Dad was holding the hand of his two year old son.  The little boy was crying. “Up!” he said. “Up, Daddy!”

“No,” says Dad. “You’ve been up on my shoulders all morning.  You walk now.”  He was literally yanking his kid’s arm, half pulling him along the sidewalk.

The boy cried harder.  I was so glad I wasn’t him.  I was also glad I wasn’t his mom, who was too pregnant to carry him and looked pretty unhappy.  And I was glad I wasn’t his dad, who must have had aching shoulders.

Then I realized that it was early afternoon, and clearly nap time.  Apparently, this boy had been out all morning doing things with his parents.  So naturally he was having a meltdown.  Not a great time for dad to be setting this limit.  Not a great time to be anywhere except home, putting this little guy down for his nap.

Now, I don’t doubt Dad was tired of carrying Junior.  For all I know, he had a bad back, and could have put his back out if he lifted any more.  It’s so hard to balance our needs against our kids.  Who knows what drove these parents to have their tired toddler out on the street half the day, without even a stroller?  Maybe it was important.  Maybe the kid refuses to get into a stroller.  And who am I to judge this dad and his aching shoulders?  

But I do know that moments like this are important in a child’s life, because they teach our kids defining messages.  Like whether the world is a nurturing place.  Whether the child is lovable enough for his parents to care about meeting his needs.  

So my Aha! moment was, There’s always a way to make interaction with our kids into win-win situations.  This dad was making this a contest between his needs and his son’s.  His won.  But there are always other ways to handle situations like this. How?

Well, to start with, Dad could at least not have yanked his kid’s arm half out of its socket.  That wasn't going to make Junior any more cooperative.

He could have empathized, so Junior didn’t feel so alone:
“I know, you are so tired of walking.  We’ve been out all morning, haven’t we?  And your legs are tired, I know.  You wish Daddy could carry you.”

He could have reassured his kid:
“We’re almost home now.  As soon as we get home, I will carry you up the steps.”

He could have helped Junior regroup:
 “Let’s stop here at the deli.  I’ll go inside and get you a cool drink of water, and you can rest for a minute with mom on the bench.”

Then he could have turned it into a game, or distracted him:
“Let’s see how many steps it takes to the corner. " or "Let’s see whether we can beat Mommy home.” Or “I can’t carry you until my shoulder feels better, but Mom and I can swing you some while we walk.  Here, hold both our hands.  Now you count to five.  Every fifth step, we will swing you.

But what happens when there is no way to find a win-win?  When it’s 3am and we’re exhausted and walking the floor with a crying baby, and the only win for us would be to dump the baby in her crib and collapse into bed?

There’s a always a deeper win.  That win is about the foundation we’re giving our child for a fulfilling life.  That win is about transforming our resentment into love and giving our child the blessing of that love.  That win is about teaching our child that ultimately, love is what matters, and she is lovable.

The New York Times recently reported on a longitudinal study of a class of Harvard graduates from many years ago.  The researchers followed these men throughout their lives to study what most affects achievement, success, and happiness.  You now what they found?   The only thing that matters is love.  That's right, good relationships with other people.  What made these men happy and successful wasn't about IQ, family status, money, the jobs they got.  It was the kids who the great relationships with parents and siblings, with peers, roommates, girlfriends, the kids who went out in the world and created good relationships with other people, who gave and received love -- those were the ones who had the happy, successful lives.

So as parents, how do we raise kids who succeed at love and relationships?  They learn everything they need to know from us.
That’s the ultimate win-win.