Parenting Blog

My Aha! Parenting moment this week is about letting our kids take the lead.  As I mentioned last week, my son's at college for the first time.  We email back and forth several times a week about logistical stuff – "Mom, will you mail me something I forgot?"-- so we’re in touch, but he doesn’t seem to want to chat on the phone. He never calls us. When I call him, he handles the logistical part of the discussion well, but when I ask “What are you doing tonight?” or “Who are you hanging out with?” or even “What’s your first paper on?”  he tells me he’s too busy to talk.    READ POST

"Let there be times when you don't tell someone everything you know about her problem, even if your understanding of it is better than hers." -- Guy Finley
  READ POST

My Aha! Parenting moment this week happened on the beach.  I live in New York City.  I'm not a city person, but that’s where my husband’s work is, so that’s where we live.  The whole year long I wait for August, when I’m lucky enough to spend the month on an island off the coast of NY.  I write, my husband comes out on weekends, and the kids work as counselors at the summer camp where they were once campers. 

Every morning I get up, get the kids fed, and take the dog to the beach.  I do some of my best thinking on these daily walks, and I always come back happy, feeling completely blessed.  I also take a plastic shopping bag, which I fill with the trash I come across on our walk.  Most of this is plastic balloons, plastic water bottles, plastic bags, or other plastic that washes in with the tide, so I shudder to think how much plastic there is in the ocean.  I never find beach glass anymore, just beach plastic.

So why is this an Aha! parenting moment?

Well, I was thinking about why I do this.  The beach is pretty empty, so no one really notices what I'm doing, and those who do may well assume I'm a bit nuts.  My little bag of trash every day is hardly going to cleanse the ocean.  So does it really matter?  Why bother?

What I realized is that I do this for my kids.  Yes, so they’ll have a cleaner ocean to swim in.  But also as an act of faith.  An example that our every action matters.  That even when a positive action seems invisible, seems hopeless, it always matters to do the right thing. I want my kids to know that.  READ POST

"Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life."
-- Maureen Hawkins

When my son was born, I spent the whole night gazing at him and making promises.  The next morning, I couldn't believe that the hospital let us take him home.  Zero supervision, zero training, just two completely inexperienced parents and this tiny, fragile, brand new person.

Such an enormous responsibility, so little preparation, so few answers, such high stakes.  The sheer impossibility of our task is what makes parents so critical of each other.  We need desperately to believe we have done, are doing, the right thing.

Of course, there are no perfect parents.  I broke many of those promises to my son.  Some of them wouldn't have been good for him, but some I broke simply because I'm human.  The miracle is that most of the time, love carries us through, and our kids come out fine.

What about those times when you can't find your love, when you just feel angry and resentful and like giving up? That's human too.  The secret is that the love didn't vanish.  It's still there, under the anger.  If you can find a way to take care of yourself, so you're willing to let go of the anger, love will still carry you through.  But you're the parent, so you have to lead the way back to love.  That's the promise we all make when we bring a child into the world.  READ POST

"The average parent spends twice as long each day dealing with their email as they do playing with their child." — British government survey finding

We all know that feeling of trying to tear ourselves away from the computer to tend to our kid.  Back in the days when more of our work was manual -- kneading bread dough, darning socks -- we could at least attend to kids while we accomplished our tasks.  Computers rivet our attention and take us right out of the room. Our kids feel that.

Of course, dealing with kids can be challenging at the end of a long day.  Most parents say they have to psych themselves up to remain calm and cheerful through the dinner, bath and bedtime routine.  But the tone of this time together is what creates the fabric of your child's life. 

Can you make your child your priority for these few hours?  Can you resist that urgent need to quickly check your email, and focus instead on connecting with your kid?  Can you stay calm through all the bedtime testing so the last thing your child feels is safe warmth, rather than angry threats?

How?   READ POST

I was walking down a NY city street last Sunday when I saw a young family out walking.  Mom was pregnant.  Dad was holding the hand of his two year old son.  The little boy was crying. “Up!” he said. “Up, Daddy!”

“No,” says Dad. “You’ve been up on my shoulders all morning.  You walk now.”  He was literally yanking his kid’s arm, half pulling him along the sidewalk.

The boy cried harder.  I was so glad I wasn’t him.  I was also glad I wasn’t his mom, who was too pregnant to carry him and looked pretty unhappy.  And I was glad I wasn’t his dad, who must have had aching shoulders.

Then I realized that it was early afternoon, and clearly nap time.  Apparently, this boy had been out all morning doing things with his parents.  So naturally he was having a meltdown.  Not a great time for dad to be setting this limit.  Not a great time to be anywhere except home, putting this little guy down for his nap.

Now, I don’t doubt Dad was tired of carrying Junior.  For all I know, he had a bad back, and could have put his back out if he lifted any more.  It’s so hard to balance our needs against our kids.  Who knows what drove these parents to have their tired toddler out on the street half the day, without even a stroller?  Maybe it was important.  Maybe the kid refuses to get into a stroller.  And who am I to judge this dad and his aching shoulders?  

But I do know that moments like this are important in a child’s life, because they teach our kids defining messages.  Like whether the world is a nurturing place.  Whether the child is lovable enough for his parents to care about meeting his needs.     READ POST

"Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers."
-- Socrates.

Most of us worry about our kids' development.  When will she start sleeping through the night? He shows no interest in the potty.  Will she ever stop tantrumming?  What a picky eater, he's starving himself!  She'd lose her head if it wasn't screwed on. Would he ever shower if we didn't remind him?  Her room looks like a war zone.  He's so self-centered.  How will she amount to anything with these grades? 

The amazing thing is that our parents said the same things about us, and most of us came out ok. Kids do grow up, and most of the time they become responsible adults. The fact that your kid sneaks cookies and lies about it doesn't mean he'll grow up to be a criminal. Her lack of common sense now doesn't mean she won't develop good judgment by the time she has kids herself.  The human brain is still developing into the mid-20's.

Which means?  Appreciate and enjoy your child as much as you can, and worry as little as you can.  You'll both thrive.

May your weekend be filled with love.  READ POST