“Our 26 month old is overall really
excellent with the three month old. But now the baby is starting to
play with toys, and the toddler always grabs them away from him. The
baby is still too small to care that the toy gets taken...for now. Until
now, we've handled sharing toys as you suggest--we don't force it, we
talk about taking turns, asking the other child if they're done, etc.
I'm a little less sure how to apply this logic when there is an age
discrepancy. We can't ask the baby if he's done. I feel quite certain
that I don't want to force my toddler to share, but sometimes I find
myself saying, "Your brother is using that!" because it seems like he
shouldn't just be able to take every toy the baby plays with.“
There's a reason "taking candy from a baby" has come to symbolize an easy but immoral abuse of power. You're right to feel uncomfortable with your toddler's compulsive grabbing from the baby; it's not good for the baby -- and it's not good for your toddler. READ POST
“How should I tell my 5 year old son to
react when his 19 month old brother hits him or acts aggressively towards
him? I've read the articles on how to deal with it as a parent and we
are working on it, but I'm not in the room with them every time they're
playing together. I want to give my 5 year old the proper tools to deal
with his little brother, too."
Mostly, children learn from our modeling. So if you respond with calm empathy to your upset little one, your older child will learn to do that as well. Of course, he won't always be able to stay calm, particularly if he's worried about his little brother knocking down his tower, taking his truck, or ruining his game. And if the little one actually hurts him, you can't really expect him to master his fight or flight response. READ POST
"My 22 month old younger daughter very aggressively scratches my older daughter, who is 3 and a half."
"The 2 year old is beating up on the 8 year old at our house!"
"My toddler climbs on my five year old's back like a monkey and won't get off."
In my last post, I described how to intervene when a preschooler is aggressive toward a younger sibling. But sometimes it's the younger child, often a toddler, who initiates the brawling. Toddlers don't have a fully developed frontal cortex, so their emotions routinely overcome their knowledge that "hitting hurts." And often they can't express themselves very well verbally, so they're easily frustrated.
But your older child deserves to feel safe in her own house, so you can't just sit by and "let them work it out." Obviously, you immediately get between your children to stop the hitting. You say "Ouch! No hitting! Hitting hurts!" But what if the aggression continues? READ POST
"My three year keeps hurting my 15 month old. Sometimes they play nicely, then out of the blue he'll just shove her over. We do timeouts and lectures all day long, but it doesn't help." – Claudia
Henry, age 3, is playing with Sophie, 15 months, by grabbing a toy away from her. Sophie loves his attention and giggles at this interesting game, especially because he restores the toy to her every time. But Henry is getting rougher each time, and Sophie is clinging harder to the toy. He wrenches it away from her. Sophie bursts into tears. Henry, feeling guilty, says “You act like a baby!” and reaches out and shoves her down, hard. Now Sophie is wailing. READ POST
“So just to clarify: 3-year-old girl
kicks 1-year-old, there's a blood-curdling scream, and I am to hold my 3-year-old (after making sure the
crying 1-year-old is fine, got that) and just sit with her until she
feels better? No time-out, just hold her and tell her that I love her
and that I know she is hurting too....So, no discipline, just love, i.e.
more attention....more attention for kicking the baby?!"
I know exactly what this mom means. Someone kicks my baby? The lion-mama in me roars. The last thing I would feel like doing is lavishing love on the perpetrator. READ POST
"Today I stepped outside to clean up
some toys while my kids were eating. My 2 year old ran to the back door
and cried out for me. My 4 year old didn't like his screaming and ran
over and punched him several times. My 2 year old got so upset he threw
up his whole lunch all over me. My 4 year old confessed "Mom, I did a
bad thing...I punched S because he was crying and it made me mad." I
have been getting very upset, sternly asking my 4 year old "Why do you
want to hurt your brother?...I'm very disappointed in you and sad about
this." I typically do 4 minutes timeout and an apology for the bad
behavior, then be nice to your brother for 3 days and then you get a
superhero movie. Is this wrong?"
Is it a bad thing to use rewards and punishment? Well, it doesn't actually work as well as emotion coaching and empathic limits to stop your son's hitting, and it doesn't teach the lessons you want to teach. The research says that if your son does stop hitting, it won't be because he has learned that hitting hurts his brother, but because he doesn't want to be punished. Of course, most parents would be willing to accept this, just to stop the hitting. But most kids just keep hitting, because the rewards and punishment don't help them with the underlying feelings or teach them a better way to solve the problem that caused the hitting. They just get sneakier, stop confessing, and start blaming. And it doesn't sound like your rewards and punishment are working, if he's still punching his brother to the point where his brother throws up. READ POST
"When your son and daughter are fighting with
each other, you want them to learn to resolve their differences
successfully, but you may have never learned to successfully work
through conflicts yourself. Before you can teach your kids to listen,
identify the problem, express their feelings, generate solutions, and
find common ground, you have to learn those problem-solving skills
yourself"- Laura Davis & Janis Keyser
Should you intervene in a sibling fight? If they're working it out well themselves, No. And often, children do. They're endlessly creative. Conflict is actually good for them, because it teaches them how to work things out with other people. As Pamela Dugdale says, “Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring, quite often the hard way.”
So remind yourself that a certain amount sibling squabbling is not only normal, but necessary. If "peace" depends on kids being forced to swallow their needs to accommodate siblings on a regular basis, it isn't good for either of them. Your children need to develop their voices, learn how to express their needs, try out strategies to meet their goals.
But they also need to learn to listen to each other, empathize, and regulate their anger rather than dumping on others. While our modeling helps with these skills, most kids need some targeted coaching to use them, at least when emotions are running hot. READ POST