Parenting Blog

"2 year-olds argue with their parents 20 to 25 times an hour." -- Child Development

Between 12 and 15 months, we learn a wonderful word:  "No!"
It's an ecstatic discovery.  We learn we are separate, autonomous beings with a will of our own who can impact what happens in the world.  We delight in saying, "No!" at every opportunity.  READ POST

 "In contrast to their enthusiastic, loving nature, all children (like all adults) experience times when they aren’t themselves. They lose their sunny attitude, their ability to make each day a good one... They can’t listen or respond thoughtfully to the situation around them. Their behavior goes off track, and they begin to do things that don’t work, things that isolate them from other people...Every effort to guide them sends them further off track...When our children are unreasonable, they are asking for our help. They need us to set limits for them. They also need to know that we care about them. It’s our caring that puts them back on track again." -- Patty Wipfler  READ POST

"You got to accent...uate the positive, elim..inate the negative ... latch on...to the affirmative..."  -- Johnny Mercer

Want to try an experiment that will transform your child’s behavior in a week?  Step one is to accentuate the positive.  Acknowledge  every positive thing your child does with as much enthusiasm, appreciation and specificity as you can.  Do this as many times a day as you can catch your child doing something right, accompanied frequently by an affectionate hug.

"You and your sister played so happily together this afternoon."
“I’m so pleased with how you picked up all your toys!  You must be so proud of yourself!”
“The dog loves it when you feed her.  Look how happy she is!”

Step Two?  Eliminate the negative!  No matter how bad your child’s negative behavior, keep your emotional response flat as you set limits. No punishment, just limits.  Staying calm is tough, but kids live off our emotional energy.  If they get it only for positive behavior, not for negatives, they'll repeat the positive behavior.  The negative behavior will diminish and eventually disappear as the child develops a positive self image.

Fair warning: Intense kids need lots of intense energy, so muster all the enthusiasm you can.
What do you have to lose?   READ POST

"If you entertain thoughts that people are doing things to you -- for example, that your child (or anyone else) is manipulating you, taking advantage of you, ignoring you, or disrespecting you -- you will often feel annoyed, irritated, and angry.  However, when instead you think in terms of the needs that you and your child are trying to meet in every action taken, then you are more likely to feel compassion and connection.  And you are much more likely to take action that contributes to your child's well-being as well as your own."  -- Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hodson

We all have needs -- for food, touch, fun, safety, self-expression, connection with others.  Children are born completely powerless.  They're still trying to figure out how to get their needs met. Once kids are convinced their needs matter to their parents -- on whom they depend to meet those needs -- they can relax and listen to their parents' agenda.  In other words, they don't have to fight with us to try to get their needs met.  They feel the way we all feel when our needs are met: comfortable, happy, open, appreciative.  That's when they're ready to cooperate.

When your kids use a dysfunctional strategy to meet their needs, notice the deeper need they're trying to fill.   READ POST