Parenting Blog

"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label.  Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom."
-- Anonymous

Are there things about your child that drive you crazy?  Often we think we our job is to "stamp out" those traits and mold the perfect child.  But humans can't pare away our weaknesses, because they're the flip side of our strengths.  That's who we ARE.

If she has trouble controlling her anger when her brother disrespects her, is she an equally passionate fighter against other injustices?  Is his dawdling a sign of immense imagination  --  like Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, is he secretly Spaceman Spiff?  Will her emphasis on socializing shape the perfect talk-show host?  Will his stubbornness help him succeed at a difficult task against all odds?

We can't sculpt our kids. All we can really do is give them nurturing conditions in which to grow into who they are, and teach them to manage their weaknesses so their strengths can blossom. 

Instead of making her feel bad about herself, Reframe:  This "weakness" is of great value if she can learn to manage it.  How can you help her do that?

"The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children." --  Elaine Heffner

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? Never.  But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely. 

What's effective is to always keep the connection with the child at the same time that you calmly and kindly re-establish the standard for respect.  Here's the three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness in every interaction with your child.  If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect.  Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to.  Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving him your focused, positive attention.

3. If your child speaks hurtfully to you, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying connected to your child:  "Wow, your tone of voice hurts. You must be very upset to speak to me that way. That's not like you. You know I don't speak to you in that tone.  Want to tell me what's upsetting you?"  Or, if you know already, "I'm hearing that you're very angry at me right now.  I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person.  If we ignore their disrespect, we do them no favors.  If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we perpetuate the behavior. The secret?  They learn their behavior from us.

"Dear Dr. Laura.....I have no idea how to be the parent who doesn’t yell….it is so deeply ingrained into me..."

It isn't easy to stop yelling.  You can desperately want to, and still find yourself screaming. Of course, it's completely justified by your child's behavior, if you want to look at it that way.  And it's probably predictable, if you look at your own upbringing.

But we all know that our kids respond better if we don't yell.  Instead of escalating a difficult situation, if we can stay calm, it settles everyone else down.  Our relationship with our child strengthens.  They cooperate more.  They start to control their own emotions more.  Bottom line: How can you expect your child to control his own emotions if you don't control yours?

if you know that you want to stop yelling, I assure you that it's completely possible -- no matter how ingrained it is.  It's not rocket science. It takes about three months. Like learning the piano, you start playing scales today, you practice daily, and soon you can pick out simple tunes. In a year you can play a sonata.

Will it be hard to stop yelling?  Yes. It doesn't happen as if by magic. It takes constant, daily effort.  No one can do it for you. But I've seen hundreds of parents do it.

Want to get started?

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty. Stress kills your relationships, your compassion, and your body.

2. Set limits with your kids before things get out of control, while you can still be empathic and keep your sense of humor.

3. Stop controlling and start connecting. You're yelling because you want to change your child's behavior, right? Take the time to see things from your kid's point of view. She has a reason for what she's doing. It may not be what you think is a good reason, but if you address the reason, you change the behavior. Without raising your voice.

4. Manage your mind so you aren’t letting fear run you. There’s only ever one choice – love or fear. Choose love. Love never fails.

5. Think "CALM." You can never control the other person, only yourself.  Luckily, that's enough. Do whatever you need to, to stay calm in the situation.  Whatever your child has just done, you will react more constructively from a place of calm.  Don't escalate the storm.  Your child is counting on you to be the calming influence.

6. Just Stop, Drop, and Breathe.  Remember that you'll make mistakes. When you find yourself in the middle of losing your temper, stop. Breathe. Walk out of the room, even if you were mid-sentence. When you're calm, start over. 

Before you know it, you'll catch yourself before you start yelling. It may seem like a miracle, but this is something you can do. Which doesn't make it less of a miracle.

That's it.  Hard, yes.  But you can do this.  Want some support?  My Teleseminar this Friday is a for parents who want to stop yelling.  Come talk with me.

"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied. Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...."-- Katrina Kenison

All of us have needs that are never satisfied, as do our children.  Some of them we can name:  An hour alone to chill out.  A bit more money to make ends meet. More help around the house.

Our deeper needs -- which feed our souls -- may be more elusive: More meaning. More aliveness. More connection.

Kids can't name their deepest needs:

• To have all of who they are be truly seen and appreciated -- even the "bad" parts.
• To know their parents adore them and love to care for them.
• More relaxed, playful, unstructured, affirming time with each parent.

They can’t name these things, but when they're hungry for them, they don't thrive. They seem unhappy, uncooperative, whiny, insatiable.  Nothing feels like enough to them. So they demand more, more, and more. More time before bedtime.  More treats than their sibling.  More material possessions.  But more of what we didn't really need to begin with can never fill our deepest desires.

Not meeting our family’s deepest needs is like starving our children – and ourselves.

Do you suspect your child has unsatisfied needs?  What could they be?  How could you attend to them?

What need do you have that is crying out for deeper fulfillment?

How could you change things in your family life to better nourish your own and your children's souls this weekend -- and every day?

"Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it."-- Harold Hulbert

You know how important it is to manage your kid's life so his basic needs get met and he behaves better.  Predictable routines, plenty of sleep, downtime, cuddles and quality connection time all help kids be at their best.  But every child has times when life just seems too much for them, and they can't behave the way they'd like. That's when they act most childish (just like adults!).

We all know that when we respond to those difficult times by losing our cool, tempers escalate and a small storm can turn into a full-scale tornado that sweeps all our good intentions away. What can you do to keep your cool and settle your child down? Here's your five-step plan.

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty.You can't act much nicer than you feel.  If your own cup is empty, how can you give to your child?  Find sustainable ways to keep your nature sunny, so you can give your child the best of yourself – and rise to the occasion when he signals he needs you by misbehaving. Can't find a way to let the sun in?  You owe your child, and yourself, a change.  You're the grown-up, so get whatever help you need to show up with unconditional love for your child.

2. Stop, Drop and Breathe.Train yourself: As soon as you feel temperatures rising, just stop.  Drop whatever you’re doing, whether that means turning off the stove, pulling the car to the side of the road, or telling your friend you’ll call her back. Then take a few deep breaths. This calms you physically, so your mind has a chance to keep your body from moving into fight mode.

3. Remind yourself:  This is an opportunity, not an emergency.  An opportunity for what?  Getting closer to your child by helping her work through whatever’s bothering her – and teaching her to manage her emotions by role-modeling emotional intelligence. Kids learn more by watching our behavior than by what we say. However you act with your child when she's four is how she'll act with you when she's fourteen. Wouldn’t you rather have a teenager who helps you calm down rather than one who screams at you?

4. Watch your tone and bite your tongue, if necessary. Research shows that the more calmly we speak, the more calm we feel, and the more calmly others respond to us. When we use swear words or other highly charged words, it makes both us and our listener even more upset and the situation escalates. Think your child needs to learn a lesson?  It's more likely to stick if you wait until you calm down to teach it.

5. It’s never too late. If you suddenly realize you’ve been hijacked by your own emotions, just stop.  Breathe.  Shake out your hands to let some of that anger drain out.  Say “Mommy needs to calm down” and walk away if necessary.  The more often you can stop in mid-scream, the more often you’ll find you can cool down before you even open your mouth.

When things heat up, these five steps can seem impossible.  But if you just keep practicing, they become second nature, and the whole tone in your home gets sunnier. Start now with Step 1, to be sure your own cup is full. Next time your child "provokes you,"  you'll be able to rise to the occasion and avert the stormy weather.

May your weekend be filled with sunshine -- and miracles, large and small.