Parenting Blog

"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied. Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...."-- Katrina Kenison

All of us have needs that are never satisfied, as do our children.  Some of them we can name:  An hour alone to chill out.  A bit more money to make ends meet. More help around the house.

Our deeper needs -- which feed our souls -- may be more elusive: More meaning. More aliveness. More connection.

Kids can't name their deepest needs:

• To have all of who they are be truly seen and appreciated -- even the "bad" parts.
• To know their parents adore them and love to care for them.
• More relaxed, playful, unstructured, affirming time with each parent.

They can’t name these things, but when they're hungry for them, they don't thrive. They seem unhappy, uncooperative, whiny, insatiable.  Nothing feels like enough to them. So they demand more, more, and more. More time before bedtime.  More treats than their sibling.  More material possessions.  But more of what we didn't really need to begin with can never fill our deepest desires.

Not meeting our family’s deepest needs is like starving our children – and ourselves.

Do you suspect your child has unsatisfied needs?  What could they be?  How could you attend to them?

What need do you have that is crying out for deeper fulfillment?

How could you change things in your family life to better nourish your own and your children's souls this weekend -- and every day?

"Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it."-- Harold Hulbert

You know how important it is to manage your kid's life so his basic needs get met and he behaves better.  Predictable routines, plenty of sleep, downtime, cuddles and quality connection time all help kids be at their best.  But every child has times when life just seems too much for them, and they can't behave the way they'd like. That's when they act most childish (just like adults!).

We all know that when we respond to those difficult times by losing our cool, tempers escalate and a small storm can turn into a full-scale tornado that sweeps all our good intentions away. What can you do to keep your cool and settle your child down? Here's your five-step plan.

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty.You can't act much nicer than you feel.  If your own cup is empty, how can you give to your child?  Find sustainable ways to keep your nature sunny, so you can give your child the best of yourself – and rise to the occasion when he signals he needs you by misbehaving. Can't find a way to let the sun in?  You owe your child, and yourself, a change.  You're the grown-up, so get whatever help you need to show up with unconditional love for your child.

2. Stop, Drop and Breathe.Train yourself: As soon as you feel temperatures rising, just stop.  Drop whatever you’re doing, whether that means turning off the stove, pulling the car to the side of the road, or telling your friend you’ll call her back. Then take a few deep breaths. This calms you physically, so your mind has a chance to keep your body from moving into fight mode.

3. Remind yourself:  This is an opportunity, not an emergency.  An opportunity for what?  Getting closer to your child by helping her work through whatever’s bothering her – and teaching her to manage her emotions by role-modeling emotional intelligence. Kids learn more by watching our behavior than by what we say. However you act with your child when she's four is how she'll act with you when she's fourteen. Wouldn’t you rather have a teenager who helps you calm down rather than one who screams at you?

4. Watch your tone and bite your tongue, if necessary. Research shows that the more calmly we speak, the more calm we feel, and the more calmly others respond to us. When we use swear words or other highly charged words, it makes both us and our listener even more upset and the situation escalates. Think your child needs to learn a lesson?  It's more likely to stick if you wait until you calm down to teach it.

5. It’s never too late. If you suddenly realize you’ve been hijacked by your own emotions, just stop.  Breathe.  Shake out your hands to let some of that anger drain out.  Say “Mommy needs to calm down” and walk away if necessary.  The more often you can stop in mid-scream, the more often you’ll find you can cool down before you even open your mouth.

When things heat up, these five steps can seem impossible.  But if you just keep practicing, they become second nature, and the whole tone in your home gets sunnier. Start now with Step 1, to be sure your own cup is full. Next time your child "provokes you,"  you'll be able to rise to the occasion and avert the stormy weather.

May your weekend be filled with sunshine -- and miracles, large and small.

"Imagine that your children's behavior is a coded message. To break the code, translate what they are doing into a sentence that starts with "I need__________" or "I feel _______."  Fill in the blank, and then respond to that need or feeling, not the behavior." -- Dr. Larry Cohen
 
Sometimes we all make choices that make us feel bad about ourselves. Whether it's more cake, that comment to our spouse, sleeping through the alarm clock, or yelling at our kid, we know better but do it anyway.  Why?  We're driven by some unmet need or unaddressed feeling. If we can fill that need or resolve that feeling, we can change our behavior.

Your child is no different. Punishing him for acting on his unmet needs or turbulent feelings only gets temporary obedience, if that.  Addressing the need or feeling eliminates the source of the misbehavior and allows your child to make choices that make him feel good about himself. How?

To cranky toddler:  "Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning after we stayed up so late last night....I think we need an early nap so you can get rid of your crankiness and enjoy your afternoon."

To angry four year old: "You're yelling and very upset....I can hold this pillow for you to hit....I will stay with you while you let out all your angry and sad feelings....it's ok....everybody needs to cry sometimes..."

To whining seven year old: "You've been trying to get my attention all day....I'm closing my computer.  You have my undivided attention for twenty minutes. What should we do?"

To moping nine year old: "You seem sad and bored to me. I miss our special times together, since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. When the little ones nap today, let's have special time for just you and me."

To anxious twelve year old: "You're having a hard time falling asleep at night now, aren't you? That often happens with kids your age.  There's a lot going on --- your body changing, your friendships shifting, school getting harder.  Even I must seem different -- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down with you for a bit at bedtime so we can chat for awhile?"

To disrespectful fourteen year old: "I notice you're snapping at me lately.... you know we don't talk to each other that way in this house....it's not like you to be disrespectful....I'm wondering if this is because you've been wanting more independence and I've been saying no to things you want to do....come sit with me on the couch and let me rub your shoulders....Let's talk about how you can have the independence you want and I can still trust that you're safe."

Watch for unmet needs like sleep, connection and autonomy.  Feelings that need to vent include anger, usually with sadness or fear right behind it. You don't have to be a detective or a therapist.  Just give your child the benefit of the doubt when he misbehaves, the chance to express himself, and the miracle of your attention.  I guarantee a happier, more cooperative child.

"The most important parenting skill is effective communication. If you can effectively communicate with your child, you can move mountains -- or at least get them to clean their room on a regular basis."
-- Denise Witmer

It's no surprise that kids often feel rebellious toward their parents. Research shows the average parent gives hundreds of orders every day, most in a negative tone.  How would you react to that?

To get your child cooperating, try giving fewer orders and remove the negative judgments that trigger resistance.  Instead, try to keep it calm and kind. Offer observations. Ask questions. Give choices. State the house rule. Help your child take responsibility to solve the problem, with your support.
 
 Instead of:                                                                       Try:
 
 "Leave the cat alone!"  ..... "I notice the cat runs away when you pull her tail."
 "Clean up those toys." ....."Do you want to clean up your toys now or after lunch?"
 "Brush your teeth."  ......."What do you need to do before you leave for school?"
 "Go take your bath." ........ "It's bath time. Want to go now or in 5 minutes?"
 "Empty the dishwasher."....."I need your help--Would you empty the dishwasher please? "
 "Finish your homework first."....."The rule is, we finish homework before we play."
"Stop squabbling this instant!"..... "I see two kids and only one toy. How will you work this out?"

Of course, if it really is an order, and it's non-negotiable, just say it, without blame, and with empathy for the child's feelings:  "You're mad, but we don't hit.  Let's tell your brother how mad you are that he knocked over your tower. And then can we all repair it together?"

Your child will hear the difference.  And you'll see a world of difference in the response.

"Ten minutes of play up front will save you a half hour of nagging on the back end...Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child." -- Dr. Lawrence Cohen

Have things been tense around your house lately?  Wondering how to interrupt the cycle of whining, dawdling, nagging, yelling? Tired of working so hard to stay patient when you're exhausted? Want an easy way to lift the mood and reconnect with your kid?

Parenting isn't supposed to be so hard.  And when everyone in a family feels good about themselves and close to each other, it isn't. But all families get off track sometimes. The answer is to stop working so hard, and start playing! There's nothing like play to ease tension and create closeness.  How?

1. Get goofy and get the giggles going. Young children love the incongruity of funny voices.  And they're still learning to manage their own bodies, so they find it hilarious when grownups fall down. Giggling is as good as crying to let off tension -- and lots more fun! (The only caveat -- don't tickle kids unless they ask you, and then keep it mild. Tickling may produce involuntary giggles, but it creates a sense of physical powerlessness you don't want to force on your child.)

2. Get your energy going with a chase game. Chase your child but bumble so much you can't catch him, or catch him briefly but let him get away. Emphasize your incompetence by loudly announcing your prowess:  "I'm a superhero.  Nobody gets away from me!" -- then trip and fall down!  Or let your child chase you, and allow yourself to be easily caught as you brag. Kids feel small, incompetent and powerless much of the time. Turning the tables helps them release anxiety and feel better about themselves.

3. Defuse aggression with a pillow fight. Toddler hitting you or the baby?  Preschooler whacking playmates?  Siblings squabbling? Teenager ignoring you? The answer is mock aggression in the form of a pillow fight. Show your teen you can still have fun together by dumping pillows on her head (gently) as you issue a pillow-dueling challenge. Get the kids to bond by teaming up against you. Let your preschooler experiment with aggression by hitting the pillow while you hold it up in front of you. Help your toddler feel powerful by clobbering you with the pillow while you try to escape, howling in mock terror.  End the pillow fight by submitting (with loud protest) to your child's powerful pillow-fighting skills and collapsing together for big hugs and snuggles.

After fifteen minutes of play, you'll be amazed how your child cooperates for the rest of the evening.  And how much sweeter parenting feels to you.