Parenting Blog

"The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children." --  Elaine Heffner

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? Never.  But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely. 

What's effective is to always keep the connection with the child at the same time that you calmly and kindly re-establish the standard for respect.  Here's the three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness in every interaction with your child.  If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect.  Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to.  Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving him your focused, positive attention.

3. If your child speaks hurtfully to you, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying connected to your child:  "Wow, your tone of voice hurts. You must be very upset to speak to me that way. That's not like you. You know I don't speak to you in that tone.  Want to tell me what's upsetting you?"  Or, if you know already, "I'm hearing that you're very angry at me right now.  I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person.  If we ignore their disrespect, we do them no favors.  If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we perpetuate the behavior. The secret?  They learn their behavior from us.  READ POST

"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied. Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...."-- Katrina Kenison  READ POST

"Imagine that your children's behavior is a coded message. To break the code, translate what they are doing into a sentence that starts with "I need__________" or "I feel _______."  Fill in the blank, and then respond to that need or feeling, not the behavior." -- Dr. Larry Cohen
 
Sometimes we all make choices that make us feel bad about ourselves. Whether it's more cake, that comment to our spouse, sleeping through the alarm clock, or yelling at our kid, we know better but do it anyway.  Why?  We're driven by some unmet need or unaddressed feeling. If we can fill that need or resolve that feeling, we can change our behavior.

Your child is no different. Punishing him for acting on his unmet needs or turbulent feelings only gets temporary obedience, if that.  Addressing the need or feeling eliminates the source of the misbehavior and allows your child to make choices that make him feel good about himself. How?

To cranky toddler:  "Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning after we stayed up so late last night....I think we need an early nap so you can get rid of your crankiness and enjoy your afternoon."

To angry four year old: "You're yelling and very upset....I can hold this pillow for you to hit....I will stay with you while you let out all your angry and sad feelings....it's ok....everybody needs to cry sometimes..."

To whining seven year old: "You've been trying to get my attention all day....I'm closing my computer.  You have my undivided attention for twenty minutes. What should we do?"

To moping nine year old: "You seem sad and bored to me. I miss our special times together, since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. When the little ones nap today, let's have special time for just you and me."

To anxious twelve year old: "You're having a hard time falling asleep at night now, aren't you? That often happens with kids your age.  There's a lot going on --- your body changing, your friendships shifting, school getting harder.  Even I must seem different -- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down with you for a bit at bedtime so we can chat for awhile?"

To disrespectful fourteen year old: "I notice you're snapping at me lately.... you know we don't talk to each other that way in this house....it's not like you to be disrespectful....I'm wondering if this is because you've been wanting more independence and I've been saying no to things you want to do....come sit with me on the couch and let me rub your shoulders....Let's talk about how you can have the independence you want and I can still trust that you're safe."

Watch for unmet needs like sleep, connection and autonomy.  Feelings that need to vent include anger, usually with sadness or fear right behind it. You don't have to be a detective or a therapist.  Just give your child the benefit of the doubt when he misbehaves, the chance to express himself, and the miracle of your attention.  I guarantee a happier, more cooperative child.  READ POST

“When we do things that are controlling, whether intentional or not, we are not going to get the long-term outcomes we all want for our kids.”" -- Alfie Kohn  READ POST

"All communication is either an SOS or a care package." -- Kelly Bryson
  READ POST