Parenting Blog

"Imagine that your children's behavior is a coded message. To break the code, translate what they are doing into a sentence that starts with "I need__________" or "I feel _______."  Fill in the blank, and then respond to that need or feeling, not the behavior." -- Dr. Larry Cohen
 
Sometimes we all make choices that make us feel bad about ourselves. Whether it's more cake, that comment to our spouse, sleeping through the alarm clock, or yelling at our kid, we know better but do it anyway.  Why?  We're driven by some unmet need or unaddressed feeling. If we can fill that need or resolve that feeling, we can change our behavior.

Your child is no different. Punishing him for acting on his unmet needs or turbulent feelings only gets temporary obedience, if that.  Addressing the need or feeling eliminates the source of the misbehavior and allows your child to make choices that make him feel good about himself. How?

To cranky toddler:  "Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning after we stayed up so late last night....I think we need an early nap so you can get rid of your crankiness and enjoy your afternoon."

To angry four year old: "You're yelling and very upset....I can hold this pillow for you to hit....I will stay with you while you let out all your angry and sad feelings....it's ok....everybody needs to cry sometimes..."

To whining seven year old: "You've been trying to get my attention all day....I'm closing my computer.  You have my undivided attention for twenty minutes. What should we do?"

To moping nine year old: "You seem sad and bored to me. I miss our special times together, since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. When the little ones nap today, let's have special time for just you and me."

To anxious twelve year old: "You're having a hard time falling asleep at night now, aren't you? That often happens with kids your age.  There's a lot going on --- your body changing, your friendships shifting, school getting harder.  Even I must seem different -- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down with you for a bit at bedtime so we can chat for awhile?"

To disrespectful fourteen year old: "I notice you're snapping at me lately.... you know we don't talk to each other that way in this house....it's not like you to be disrespectful....I'm wondering if this is because you've been wanting more independence and I've been saying no to things you want to do....come sit with me on the couch and let me rub your shoulders....Let's talk about how you can have the independence you want and I can still trust that you're safe."

Watch for unmet needs like sleep, connection and autonomy.  Feelings that need to vent include anger, usually with sadness or fear right behind it. You don't have to be a detective or a therapist.  Just give your child the benefit of the doubt when he misbehaves, the chance to express himself, and the miracle of your attention.  I guarantee a happier, more cooperative child.

"The most important parenting skill is effective communication. If you can effectively communicate with your child, you can move mountains -- or at least get them to clean their room on a regular basis."
-- Denise Witmer

It's no surprise that kids often feel rebellious toward their parents. Research shows the average parent gives hundreds of orders every day, most in a negative tone.  How would you react to that?

To get your child cooperating, try giving fewer orders and remove the negative judgments that trigger resistance.  Instead, try to keep it calm and kind. Offer observations. Ask questions. Give choices. State the house rule. Help your child take responsibility to solve the problem, with your support.
 
 Instead of:                                                                       Try:
 
 "Leave the cat alone!"  ..... "I notice the cat runs away when you pull her tail."
 "Clean up those toys." ....."Do you want to clean up your toys now or after lunch?"
 "Brush your teeth."  ......."What do you need to do before you leave for school?"
 "Go take your bath." ........ "It's bath time. Want to go now or in 5 minutes?"
 "Empty the dishwasher."....."I need your help--Would you empty the dishwasher please? "
 "Finish your homework first."....."The rule is, we finish homework before we play."
"Stop squabbling this instant!"..... "I see two kids and only one toy. How will you work this out?"

Of course, if it really is an order, and it's non-negotiable, just say it, without blame, and with empathy for the child's feelings:  "You're mad, but we don't hit.  Let's tell your brother how mad you are that he knocked over your tower. And then can we all repair it together?"

Your child will hear the difference.  And you'll see a world of difference in the response.

"Ten minutes of play up front will save you a half hour of nagging on the back end...Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child." -- Dr. Lawrence Cohen

Have things been tense around your house lately?  Wondering how to interrupt the cycle of whining, dawdling, nagging, yelling? Tired of working so hard to stay patient when you're exhausted? Want an easy way to lift the mood and reconnect with your kid?

Parenting isn't supposed to be so hard.  And when everyone in a family feels good about themselves and close to each other, it isn't. But all families get off track sometimes. The answer is to stop working so hard, and start playing! There's nothing like play to ease tension and create closeness.  How?

1. Get goofy and get the giggles going. Young children love the incongruity of funny voices.  And they're still learning to manage their own bodies, so they find it hilarious when grownups fall down. Giggling is as good as crying to let off tension -- and lots more fun! (The only caveat -- don't tickle kids unless they ask you, and then keep it mild. Tickling may produce involuntary giggles, but it creates a sense of physical powerlessness you don't want to force on your child.)

2. Get your energy going with a chase game. Chase your child but bumble so much you can't catch him, or catch him briefly but let him get away. Emphasize your incompetence by loudly announcing your prowess:  "I'm a superhero.  Nobody gets away from me!" -- then trip and fall down!  Or let your child chase you, and allow yourself to be easily caught as you brag. Kids feel small, incompetent and powerless much of the time. Turning the tables helps them release anxiety and feel better about themselves.

3. Defuse aggression with a pillow fight. Toddler hitting you or the baby?  Preschooler whacking playmates?  Siblings squabbling? Teenager ignoring you? The answer is mock aggression in the form of a pillow fight. Show your teen you can still have fun together by dumping pillows on her head (gently) as you issue a pillow-dueling challenge. Get the kids to bond by teaming up against you. Let your preschooler experiment with aggression by hitting the pillow while you hold it up in front of you. Help your toddler feel powerful by clobbering you with the pillow while you try to escape, howling in mock terror.  End the pillow fight by submitting (with loud protest) to your child's powerful pillow-fighting skills and collapsing together for big hugs and snuggles.

After fifteen minutes of play, you'll be amazed how your child cooperates for the rest of the evening.  And how much sweeter parenting feels to you.

“When we do things that are controlling, whether intentional or not, we are not going to get the long-term outcomes we all want for our kids.”" -- Alfie Kohn

Today we're exploring the 7th commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person in 2010:

Commit to guidance rather than punishment. 

What kind of kid do you want to raise?  Happy, responsible, considerate, respectful, honest -- whether 6 or 16? Your chances of that go way up if you never punish your child. That means no spanking, no timeouts, no yelling, no contrived consequences. Really. No punishment.

The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn't help kids learn to behave. Studies show that ALL punishment makes kids feel worse about themselves and act worse. If punishment helped kids become more self disciplined and behave better, you'd only have to do it once. Punishment is also associated with lying. Kids who aren't punished don't lie to their parents, because they don't need to -- and the relationship is too important to them.

So why do we punish? We think we should. It alleviates our own frustration. It makes us feel less powerless. We're afraid we don't have any other way to coax good behavior out of our kids.

But children who are guided (which is what the word discipline means) and treated respectfully are better behaved and happier.  Yes, of course, there are expectations for behavior.  But no need to punish. These kids WANT to behave.

So how can you help kids behave without punishment?

1. Lead by loving example.  That means managing your own unruly emotions and speaking respectfully to your child.

2. Stay connected, even while you guide, so your child wants to please you. When they feel they can't please us, kids harden their hearts to us. So set limits, but set them with empathy: “You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit.  Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."

4. Address the needs that are motivating the misbehavior.

5. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us. If your child ignores your guidance, it means your relationship isn't strong enough to support the teaching. Back off and focus on rebuilding a close relationship.

6. Redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“We don't throw balls in the house. You can throw the ball outside”).

7. Help your child learn to manage his own emotions.

8. Remember that kids need to feel like they can be themselves and still be loved. Being themselves means being age-appropriate, which always includes asserting some control over their own lives. Stick to your guns on what's most important, which is the way your child treats others, but give where you can, and always give choices.

9. Model "win-win" problem solving. You can always find a solution that everyone can live with.

10. Resist the urge to make your child wrong. You're the grown up. You have nothing to prove.  But you do have a responsibility to be the guide through this territory of life, which means modeling maturity and compassion.

Sound hard? I'm afraid it is. The catch is obvious: The parent has to be the one who changes first. We can't indulge in blame and punishment, we have to be more patient, we have to work with our child to solve problems and get everyone's needs met. But the payoff is huge. Because once we change, our child changes.

May your day be filled with miracles, large and small.

P.S. All the links above will help you put these ideas into practice. For more support, please join me on my next teleseminar, where I'll be answering questions about how to make all this work at your house!

"All communication is either an SOS or a care package." -- Kelly Bryson

Today we're exploring the sixth commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person in 2010!:

Commit to looking for the needs behind your child’s behavior.

Your kid has a reason for whatever he’s doing that displeases you. It might not be what you consider a good reason, but he has a reason, and it’s what’s motivating his behavior. 

If yelling at him about his behavior were going to change it, that would have worked already, right?  Berating, nagging, and criticizing actually add to the problem by making him defensive. Only by addressing the underlying need can we participate in the solution and change our child’s behavior. 

Does that mean you shouldn't get annoyed?  You probably can't avoid it, if you're human.  But it's possible to transform your annoyance, which will make you more effective in redirecting your child's behavior. 

How? By remembering that your kid is just trying to meet legitimate human needs, like the rest of us -- except in an immature way (because, by definition, a child is an immature human). By seeing all "misbehavior" as an SOS.

What kinds of needs are we talking about?  Attention, self-determination, food, sleep, physical activity, physical affection, love, power (everyone needs to feel like they can have an impact on their world!).  All the needs that motivate all humans. But often what lies behind our kids' most irritating behaviors are these questions: 

• "Do you love me?"
• "Do you see me?"
• "Do you know how much I need you?"
• "Can I be wholly myself and still be acceptable to you?"

Kids who don't have to fight to get their needs met mature faster, so their needs are expressed with more maturity. And parents who address kids’ needs pre-emptively by noticing problem areas (“Hmm….looks like she wants to choose her own clothes, even if they don’t match!”) are rewarded with kids who cooperate.

And, miracle of miracles, you'll start to get Care Packages -- your child responding to YOUR needs -- among those SOS behaviors.