Parenting Blog

"Children learn what they live." --Dorothy Law Nolte

Today we're exploring the fourth commitment of "10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person!"  (You can find details on the earlier commitments on my blog.)

 Commit to role-modeling RESPECT.

Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years?  Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully.  Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember the cardinal rules of managing your emotions with kids:  You’re the role model, don’t take it personally, and this too shall pass!

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? Never.  But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely. 

What's effective is to calmly and kindly re-establish the standard for respect, while offering the understanding that your child is obviously upset to speak like this, and as always you're there to support him.  Here's the three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness in every interaction with your child.  If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect.  Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to.  Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving him your focused, positive attention. If your child lashes out at you, that's a symptom of pain that you want to address.

3. When your child speaks disrespectfully, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying warmly connected to your child. Say in the kindest voice you can manage:  "Wow, your tone of voice hurts. You must be very upset to speak to me that way. That's not like you. You know I don't speak to you in that tone.  Want to tell me what's upsetting you?"  Or, if you know already, "I'm hearing that you're very angry at me right now.  I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Of course, if you've been speaking to your child in a disrespectul tone (and yes, that includes yelling), this only works if you resolve now to stop.  Just start catching yourself in the middle of yelling, and closing your mouth.  Walk out of the room if you need to ("I'm sorry I'm yelling.  I don't want us to speak to each other this way.  I need to take a few minutes to calm down and then we'll try again.")

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person.  If we ignore their disrespect, we teach them it's ok to treat others that way.  If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we role model disrespectful behavior and insure that it will continue. 

If, instead, we greet their upset with kindness and caring, it immediately de-escalates the situation and highlights their rudeness as inappropriate.  Once kids get used to being treated this way, they usually calm down quickly and offer an unprompted apology.

Sound hard? Yes. This is the hardest stuff there is -- managing our own unruly emotions so that we can coach our kids on how to handle theirs.  But my experience is that any parent can make this transition and change the tone in their house to one of respect and warmth. And that's a miracle worth creating.

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen.  When they're finished, I climb out."  -- Erma Bombeck

So how did taking care of yourself go yesterday? Did you find a way to make yourself feel happier and less stressed?  (Work out? Take a walk?  Meditate? Pray?)  Can you do that again today? If you're having a hard time fitting this in, think of it as something you do so you can be a more inspired parent.

Today, notice what happens when your kid does something that makes you want to scream. When you get upset, doesn't it escalate the situation?  When you can stay calm, doesn't it settle things down? 

Maybe you're wondering how your child will learn not to do such things if you stay calm.  Research shows that when we get upset, our kids get more upset -- and the learning functions of their brains shut down. Kids learn best through a limit given empathically so that it lessens their upset, followed by a problem-solving discussion once they calm down.

And, of course, when kids act their worst it's because they're feeling their worst, which is when they most need our love and intervention.  Spanking, yelling, even timeouts don't give an upset kid what she needs to learn to manage herself.

So what can you do today when your kid makes you want to scream?  Take a deep breath and stay calm. Set a limit as empathically as you can. Connect with your child and help him calm down. Then talk with him about how he might handle such a situation in the future. ("I know you're mad, but we don't throw toys.  Let's sit together and calm down for a few minutes....hmmm...so you were really mad, huh?...hmmm...What could you do next time instead of throwing something?....do you think you could call me for help?")

You'll be amazed when your child starts participating in your "problem-solving" discussions, and even more amazed when she starts using the solutions you come up with, even when she's upset.  Before you know it, your child won't make you feel like screaming.  How's that for creating a miracle?

"The achievement of your goal is assured the moment you commit yourself to it." -- Mack R. Douglas

"Set your goals high, and don't stop till you get there."-- Bo Jackson

"It is possible to act a little nicer than you feel, but not much." -- Nancy Samalin

Next time your kid is pushing your buttons and driving you crazy, try committing yourself.  No, not to a mental institution.  To being a parent who doesn't yell.

Research shows that when we consciously, verbally "commit" ourselves to a course of action we're likely to achieve it, especially if we work at it daily.  By contrast, simply "wishing" something would be different, or even "regretting" things we've done, doesn't usually change a thing.

So if you want to be a parent who doesn't yell, start today.  Commit yourself.  And then watch how resourceful you become in meeting your goal.

Step One? Notice that by the time you're losing it, not yelling is only possible if you bite your tongue so hard you give yourself a piercing.  That's not what I recommend.  You can't act much nicer than you feel.  So after you commit yourself, the first step in becoming a parent who doesn't yell is taking care of yourself. 

What can you do to take care of yourself today, so you feel happier and less stressed?  Can you do it right now? If not now, when?

“You’ll make mistakes, sure, but you desire to do the best you can for him. He knows that and it’ll make all the difference in the world for him.” -- Karen Reime 

Most of us find it easy to express love for our kids when things are going right. But when they do things we don't like, we assume we have to withdraw our love to show our disappointment in our child.  That's the best way to change their behavior, right?

Actually, no.  Like the rest of us, kids change because they're motivated to change and believe they can.  In other words, they're motivated by wanting to please us, and they need confidence they can live up to our expectations. 

Kids who already feel we're not on their side, and they're always disappointing us, just give up.  You can usually tell when your child gives up because she gets defiant, or because you're disciplining more, rather than less.  (When kids know we're on their side and believe they can please us, discipline becomes rare, and mild.)

So the first step in influencing our child's behavior is reaffirming the connection, letting him know we're on his side.  The next step is offering whatever support is necessary for him to achieve the desired behavior, so that he thinks of himself as a kid who can please us, rather than a kid who is always disappointing us.

How?  Psychologists call it scaffolding, but you can think of it as insuring your kid is on the right path by rewarding every step in the right direction.  More on that tomorrow.

“You don't start training a killer whale by hanging a bucket of fish 22 feet high and commanding Shamu to jump.  Even though Shamu may want the fish, the proper connections have not yet been linked up with the sequence of development of Shamu's natural talents....The trainers actually started out with the rope under the water, at the bottom of the tank. Shamu was appreciated, patted, loved and rewarded when he first happened to cruise over the rope accidentally.  Once Shamu had experienced rewards every time he passed over the rope, he began to make the connection: if I swim over this twisted thing, I get a snack and lots of love.  At this point, the trainers could begin, slowly and incrementally, to raise the rope.  Hallelujah! The willingness of the trainers to start with the rope at the bottom, creating succesess that would not otherwise exist, directly leads to a faster path of learning...” -- Howard Glasser

So often in my coaching sessions with parents, I hear about a child who is well down a path none of us would want for our children.  It's not impossible to turn kids around and get them onto a better path.  But it's a whole lot harder than making sure they start out on the right path to begin with.

In yesterday's email, we talked about how to motivate kids to change their behavior. I promised that today we'd look at how to offer your child whatever support is necessary for him to achieve a desired behavior, so that he thinks of himself as a kid who can please us, rather than a kid who is always disappointing us.

Psychologists call this scaffolding, meaning that parents offer the child the necessary structure for her to develop a new behavioral habit. But we could think of it as starting the rope in the water, and then rewarding our child every time he passes over it, and very slowly raising that rope.  In other words, you get your child on the right path by rewarding every step in the right direction. 

I know, you think your kid should already be falling asleep by himself at night, using the toilet, taking responsibility for his own homework, _______________(fill in the blank.)  But as with Shamu, kids don't learn by being criticized for failing. They learn when we start from where they are and help them to succeed, one step at a time.  I'm not for a minute suggesting you should lower your standards. I'm suggesting that you help your child meet your high standards by starting where he is and teaching him how to get himself there. 

With sleep, we teach them to fall asleep by themselves one step at a time.
With potty training, we give our child the experience of success by letting her drive the process.
With homework, we begin by being present while all the homework is done, insuring understanding, gradually stepping back as our child takes more and more responsibility.

In each case, this "scaffolding" takes more effort from us. But the end result is that our child internalizes a feeling of accomplishment that strengthens her character, her confidence, and her ability to manage herself. Your child  becomes motivated to please you -- and herself.  Discipline becomes unnecessary. Your child is on the right path.