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"If
you entertain thoughts that people are doing things to you -- for
example, that your child (or anyone else) is manipulating you, taking
advantage of you, ignoring you, or disrespecting you -- you will often
feel annoyed, irritated, and angry. However, when instead you think in
terms of the needs that you and your child are trying to meet in every
action taken, then you are more likely to feel compassion and
connection. And you are much more likely to take action that
contributes to your child's well-being as well as your own." -- Sura
Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hodson
We all have
needs -- for food, touch, fun, safety, self-expression, connection with
others. Children are born completely powerless. They're still trying
to figure out how to get their needs met. Once kids are convinced their
needs matter to their parents -- on whom they depend to meet those
needs -- they can relax and listen to their parents' agenda. In other
words, they don't have to fight with us to try to get their needs met.
They feel the way we all feel when our needs are met: comfortable,
happy, open, appreciative. That's when they're ready to cooperate.
When your kids use a dysfunctional strategy to meet their needs, notice
the deeper need they're trying to fill.
Kids who compete with siblings
often need to feel more valued for who they are.
Kids who keep pushing for limits usually need to know the parent is in charge and will keep them safe.
Kids who "don't listen" often don't feel heard.
Kids who are always rebelling usually need to feel more powerful and competent.
Kids who are always cranky usually need more sleep.
Kids who disrespect you are always showing you they don't feel connected enough to you.
What can you do to address that deeper need behind your child's behavior?
Guest Blog by Jane Nelsen,
(From Positive Discipline in the Classroom)
www.positivediscipline.com
Listen to Jane Nelsen live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday June 24
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)
NO MORE LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES -- At least hardly ever! FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS
For years I advocated the use of logical consequences. However, I was continually frustrated when I heard parents and teachers give me examples of the consequences they imposed. They sounded like punishment to me. I thought I was the first to discover this phenomenon until I reread Children the Challenge and found the following quote by Dreikurs. (Dreikurs, Rudolf and Soltz, V. Children the Challenge, New York, Plume, p. 80 )
When we use the term “logical consequences,” parents so frequently misinterpret it as a new way to impose their demands upon children. This children see for what it is – disguised punishment.
Even though I knew parents and teachers usually misused logical consequences, my real epiphany came from students. During a class meeting, students in a fifth grade class were asked to brainstorm logical consequences for two students who didn’t hear the recess bell and were late for class. Following is their list of “consequences:”
1. Make them write their names on the board.
2. Make them stay after school that many minutes.
3. Take away that many minutes off tomorrow’s recess.
4. No recess tomorrow
5. The teacher could yell at them.
I became more and more uncomfortable as I heard all these punishments being suggested as “logical consequences. I interrupted the process and asked the students to forget about consequences and brainstorm for solutions that would help the students be on time. Following is their list of solutions:
1. Everyone could yell together, “Bell!”
2. They could play closer to the bell.
3. Someone could tap them on the shoulder when the bell rings
3. They could watch others to see when they are going in.
4. Adjust the bell so it is louder.
5. They could choose a buddy to remind them that it is time to come in.
The difference between these two lists is profound. The first looks and sounds like punishment. It focuses on the past and making kids “pay” for their mistakes. The second list looks and sounds like solutions that focus on “helping” the kids do better in the future. It focuses on seeing problems as opportunities for learning. It other words, the first list is designed to hurt, the second is designed to help.
In the first list, the kids try to disguise punishment by calling it a logical consequence. Why do they do that? Could it be that this is what they are learning from adults? The Four Rs of Logical Consequences (Related, Respectful, Reasonable, and Revealed in advance) were conceived in an attempt to stop the trend of logical consequences sounding like punishment, but they have not totally eliminated this problem.
Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children DO better first we have to make them FEEL worse? When people first hear this quote from Positive Discipline, they usually feel stunned as they think about how it doesn’t make sense. However, when it comes to application, it seems that parents, teachers, and students have difficulty accepting that people do better when they feel better.
For example, many teachers like Nos. 2 and 3 on the first list above, (“Make them stay after school that many minutes,” and “Take away that many minutes off tomorrow’s recess.”) It is true that those suggestions are related, reasonable, and could be enforced respectfully and revealed in advance. However, they all focus on making the child pay for the past mistake instead of finding a solution to solve the problem in the future. In other words, they are designed to make the children feel bad in the hopes that that will motivate them to do better. Punishment often stops misbehavior, but it hardly ever motivates children to do better in the future—unless they are approval junkies. Instead, they are motivated to rebel, get revenge, or to be more careful about getting caught.
Kay Rogers, a recently retired teacher from Sharon School in North Carolina said, “After I heard about the possibility of focusing on solutions instead of consequences, it was the hardest habit for me to break. All my life I had believed that kids learned from punishment—or at least from consequences. I can now see that my students and I both tried to disguise punishment by calling it consequences. I had to learn about the effectiveness of focusing on solutions right along with my students. We were all surprised by the difference it made in our classroom. The level of respect and caring for each other was raised ten fold. Students became pleased to find their name on the agenda because they knew that we would have a whole room full of consultants to give them valuable suggestions. And, the solutions they found were much more effective in changing behavior than anything we had done before.”
This does not mean logical consequences cannot be effective when properly understood and appropriately used. However, logical consequences are rarely necessary and are only one possibility. Looking for solutions is more effective in most situations.
Of course, focusing on solutions instead of consequences is more effective in homes also. One parent said, “I can’t believe how many power struggles I created by trying to impose ‘logical consequences’. We have so much more peace in our home now that we focus on solutions.”
Most of us deny that somewhere inside we feel unimportant. We can't bear the feeling, so we've buried it. Even if we do feel unimportant at times, we're ashamed to admit it. Meanwhile, slights and disrespect upset us. If we were confident of our importance in the world, we wouldn't even notice disrespect, much less feel slighted by it.
And yet most of us raise our children -- the children we adore, would do anything for, even if they do sometimes drive us crazy -- to secretly feel unimportant.
How do we do this? The list is endless, and we all do them:
- We give them the message that our work is more important, by going off to work while they're crying behind us.
- We give in to their demands even though we (and, secretly, they) know the request we're granting is bad for them, because it's easier than setting limits and loving them through their upset.
- We give them the message that they're not as important as our chores; we're "too busy" to sit and play with them or just hang out.
- We spend family time at movies or watching TV instead of interacting.
- We don't listen deeply to their feelings or opinions.
- We call them "drama queens" instead of respecting the depth of their feelings.
- We don't accept our child's angry, sad or other "negative" feelings, so he feels like only part of him is ok and the rest is shameful.
- We cast around for "playdates" on weekends even though they've been at childcare all week, so we can get some time to ourselves.
- We get exasperated at having to "do" for our child.
- We work from home in their presence, which they interpret as meaning our work is more important than their needs.
- We travel a lot for work.
- We go on trips with our spouse when our children are small.
- We don't want to give our kids a "swelled head" so we withhold admiration.
- We give admiration for surface things, like looks, rather than who our child is inside and the choices she makes.
Even if you've never done any of these things -- and who hasn't?! -- what percentage of the time do young children want their parents' attention? 100%? No wonder most kids form the belief that they're unimportant, or not valued for who they are.
No parent is perfect. We will all, sometimes, unintentionally give our kids this message. How can we compensate? Just by according our child the respect of acknowledging his needs, whenever possible.
This weekend, notice what message you give your child about her importance. That doesn't mean putting her needs first. It means acknowledging them and balancing them with your own. For instance, "I really want to hear what you have to say to me. As soon as I'm done with this, I will give you my full attention." Follow up on your promise.
May your weekend be filled with miracles, large and small.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
-- Maria Robinson
You're making history, right now. When your kid looks back, this will
be the childhood he remembers. The foundation of everything she
accomplishes in the world.
Our kids will remember little of what we say to them. The memories
that color their lives will be about how we made them feel. They'll be
living those, every day.
How we feel about ourselves and the world comes from our experience of
life when we're quite young. Are we good enough? Lovable enough so
that other people come through for us? Are we competent? Can we find
help and comfort when we need it? Is it a friendly world, or a lonely
one?
By the time kids are six, we can see their beliefs about themselves and
about us in the way they act. Age-appropriate developmental challenges
are fine; recurring unhappiness is a call for help. That gives us only
about five more years to help our child rewire those feelings. While
it's never too late, it's much harder to influence them once they hit
puberty and begin looking elsewhere for love.
Can you look ahead in your child's story and see the happy ending? Feel that gratitude.
If you can't, now's the time to transform yourself into a fairy godmother.
"In moments of silence, you see children's souls." -- Rabbi Sandy Eisenberg Sasso
A reader wrote recently, "Why is it my child always wants to have intense conversations after lights out at bedtime?"
Don't worry, your child isn't consciously manipulating you. Humans,
including kids, are busy and distracted all day. When the lights go
out and the stillness settles, the unresolved issues of the heart press
in on us.
Setting your child's bedtime a
wee bit earlier with the assumption that you'll spend some time
visiting and snuggling in the dark is one of the best things you can do
for your child. Sometimes, you might even have an agenda for your
visit. But most of the time, you'll want to cuddle in silence. Those
companionable, safe moments of silence invite whatever your child is
currently grappling with to surface.
Do you have to resolve it then? No. Just listen. Acknowledge
feelings. Reassure your child that you hear their concern, and that
together you will solve it, tomorrow. The next day, follow up. You'll
be amazed how your relationship with your child deepens.
You might even catch a glimpse of your child's soul.
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