Parenting Blog

"How many times have you felt forced/nudged/shamed/coerced into parenting in a way you don't usually because you were in a public situation? I know I have, and it still happens now that my kids are out of the toddler tantrum stage." - Ask Moxie

"Where I struggle is under the judgmental gaze of grandparents who believe in PUNISHMENT and CONSEQUENCES when the line is crossed. I can almost hear a tsk, tsk as I do my empathic parenting. .. No matter how old I get....I still want parents' approval, you know?" - Ann

Kids don't always behave as we'd like when we're out and about.  And when they're at family gatherings, they're often over-excited and off their schedules, so their behavior can be particularly challenging. 

The hard part is that not only do we have to be extra creative to help our child cope in a way that doesn't infringe on the rights of others...We have to do it in front of an audience! An audience that we just know is judging us as bad parents. It doesn't matter whether it's grandparents judging us as Permissive and Clueless or supermarket cashiers judging us as Yelling and Mean. If we were good parents, our child wouldn't be acting up to begin with.  Right?  READ POST

“I can't believe you're telling parents not to discipline! I'm so tired of parents who can't say No to their child and let them rule the roost. No wonder kids today don't have any self-discipline."

Yesterday, we talked about Daring Not To Discipline. (And yes, I'm using discipline as the dictionary defines it: punishment.)

Like the above commenter, most parents assume that not punishing means permissive parenting. This is a new idea for most people, which is why it's the lengthiest chapter in my new book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. But resisting the urge to punish doesn't mean we don't set limits! In fact, neither permissive parenting nor authoritarian parenting work to raise self-disciplined kids.  The research on this is very clear: the kids who develop self-discipline, resilience, and emotional intelligence are raised with empathic limits.

So yes, LIMITS are an essential part of raising great kids. But not just any limits. EMPATHIC limits. That's because children develop self-discipline more readily when they feel more connected to us. Empathic limits means we:  READ POST

"Sending children away to get control of their anger perpetuates the feeling of 'badness" inside them...Chances are they were already feeling not very good about themselves before the outburst and the isolation just serves to confirm in their own minds that they were right." -- Otto Weininger,Ph.D. Time-In Parenting

When our kids get angry, it pushes buttons for most of us.  We want to be loving parents.  Why is our child lashing out like this?  READ POST

“So just to clarify: 3-year-old girl kicks 1-year-old, and I am to hold my 3-year-old (after making sure the crying 1-year-old is fine, got that) and just sit with her until she feels better? No time-out, just hold her and tell her that I love her and that I know she is hurting too....So, no discipline, just love, i.e. more attention....more attention for kicking the baby?!"... Kerri

I know exactly what Kerri means.  Someone kicks my baby?  The lion-mama in me roars.  The last thing I would feel like doing is lavishing love on the perpetrator.

Except that the perp is my three year old, who is also my baby.  And who is clearly in a state of emotional dysregulation, or she wouldn't have done such a thing.  She's sending me a clear signal that she needs my help, desperately.   READ POST

"Before we're 8 years old, we have almost no capacity to filter out information that comes to us. So if parents or teachers, people we count on to nurture us, say something hurtful to us before the age of eight...it goes in quite deep and we carry those misbeliefs with us. They profoundly affect our relationship to ourselves, to others...our sense of value in the world."  -- Dr. David Simon

What did you learn before you were eight?  That you're a capable person, worthy of adoration and an abundant life, lovable exactly as you are, even with all of your messy imperfections, bodily functions, anger, fear, and neediness?  Or maybe that you somehow aren't lovable enough to have your needs completely met, that some of your feelings and body parts are shameful, that harsh words or even blows might rain down on you at any time?  READ POST

"If you entertain thoughts that... your child is manipulating you, taking advantage of you, ignoring you, or disrespecting you -- you will often feel annoyed, irritated, and angry.  However, when instead you think in terms of the needs that you and your child are trying to meet, then you are more likely to feel compassion and connection.  And you are much more likely to take action that contributes to your child's well-being as well as your own."  -- Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hodson

Is your child's behavior irritating you? Whether he's whining, bossy, or defiant, here's why -- what you can do about it.  READ POST

"Currently, a fantastic evening for me is crashing into my son’s bath with my clothes on, chasing him around the house with a diaper on my aqua blue bubble bath covered head, cooking cheap crappy pizza (side of green beans too, don’t worry), and reading Llama Llama Red Pajama to him.  Pretty much all the same stuff I did when I was single, just now I do it with my son instead of my date. I used to run around the world looking for the exact thing I now have sitting in ... my home. " -- Mark Holder

If you're like me, you have a long "To Do" list, and at the end of the day you never feel like you've accomplished enough.  This is your official reminder that your In Box will never be empty, but your children will grow up.  Sooner than you think, you will be the last person they'll want to spend time with.  READ POST