Parenting Blog

“Those who make peaceful revolutions impossible will make violent revolutions inevitable”  -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

July 4th marks the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the formal beginning of the revolution that established the United States of America.  Fireworks displays across the country will symbolize our citizens' willingness to fight and die so that we could run our own country.

It's a great opportunity to think about the process of children becoming independent.  How, exactly, does that happen?

Children become independent in a natural process of growth.  When we meet their biological need for a secure base when they're little, they can gradually explore further and further away from us, returning regularly for refueling.  Eventually, they can manage without us emotionally.  Being there when our kids need us keeps them from "looking for love in all the wrong places" such as their peer group, which some kids use as a substitute "secure base."

Of course, there's that tricky balance, which allows us to step back when our kids don't need us.  Kids need a step-by-step loosening of parental restrictions as they grow.  Beginning when they're about a year old, they usually begin rebelling if they don't get the right to make some decisions, even if only about the red cup versus the blue cup.  By the time they're two, parents need to be saying things like "You're in charge of your own body,"  by the time they're three, "You're in charge of picking your own clothes from this drawer" and by the time they're five, "You're in charge of your own playtime, so you decide whether you want to go to that party."

Our job as parents is to provide our kids with the lifeline of a strong relationship with us while giving them steadily increasing control over their own lives.  Kids who are given gradual, appropriate autonomy learn how to use it responsibly.  They grow into unique individuals who feel confident in their own skin.  They aren't as prone to peer pressure. 

Maybe most important, the peaceful evolution of independence protects our kids from the violent revolution that otherwise characterizes the teen years. It's a myth that teens have an inherent need to rebel.  What they need is to become themselves, with our blessing.