Parenting Blog

"Imagine that your children's behavior is a coded message. To break the code, translate what they are doing into a sentence that starts with "I need__________" or "I feel _______."  Fill in the blank, and then respond to that need or feeling, not the behavior." -- Dr. Larry Cohen
 
Sometimes we all make choices that make us feel bad about ourselves. Whether it's more cake, that comment to our spouse, sleeping through the alarm clock, or yelling at our kid, we know better but do it anyway.  Why?  We're driven by some unmet need or unaddressed feeling. If we can fill that need or resolve that feeling, we can change our behavior.

Your child is no different. Punishing him for acting on his unmet needs or turbulent feelings only gets temporary obedience, if that.  Addressing the need or feeling eliminates the source of the misbehavior and allows your child to make choices that make him feel good about himself. How?

To cranky toddler:  "Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning after we stayed up so late last night....I think we need an early nap so you can get rid of your crankiness and enjoy your afternoon."

To angry four year old: "You're yelling and very upset....I can hold this pillow for you to hit....I will stay with you while you let out all your angry and sad feelings....it's ok....everybody needs to cry sometimes..."

To whining seven year old: "You've been trying to get my attention all day....I'm closing my computer.  You have my undivided attention for twenty minutes. What should we do?"

To moping nine year old: "You seem sad and bored to me. I miss our special times together, since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. When the little ones nap today, let's have special time for just you and me."

To anxious twelve year old: "You're having a hard time falling asleep at night now, aren't you? That often happens with kids your age.  There's a lot going on --- your body changing, your friendships shifting, school getting harder.  Even I must seem different -- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down with you for a bit at bedtime so we can chat for awhile?"

To disrespectful fourteen year old: "I notice you're snapping at me lately.... you know we don't talk to each other that way in this house....it's not like you to be disrespectful....I'm wondering if this is because you've been wanting more independence and I've been saying no to things you want to do....come sit with me on the couch and let me rub your shoulders....Let's talk about how you can have the independence you want and I can still trust that you're safe."

Watch for unmet needs like sleep, connection and autonomy.  Feelings that need to vent include anger, usually with sadness or fear right behind it. You don't have to be a detective or a therapist.  Just give your child the benefit of the doubt when he misbehaves, the chance to express himself, and the miracle of your attention.  I guarantee a happier, more cooperative child.  READ POST

"Looking back, I cannot recall any crisis that wasn't 75% ‘age-appropriate behavior.’  There is no doubt that it helped if I behaved with sensitivity and compassion, and that it hindered growth when I behaved hysterically and stupidly, but really and truly, a lot of it was just a matter of learning to wait, having faith in my daughter's innate capacity for growing and changing." — Eda LeShan  

The definition of child is an immature human being, so you can expect a lot of immature behavior.  If you're expecting anything else, you'll be making yourself and your child miserable.

The parents' job is to have faith in our children's growth and eventual maturity, even when they're stuck in the frustrations of their current age. When that gets hard, remember that you grew up and came out ok. And your child is almost certainly getting better parenting than you had.

Be reasonable. They're kids. And, like you, they're human. Don’t expect perfection, from your kids or yourself, and keep your priorities straight. Your child is taking shape before your very eyes. Her messy room matters much less than how she treats her little brother.

Children need to know that they don’t make mistakes because they're bad, but because they're human, and, in many cases, because they're children. This is especially important when she feels bad about her progress.  “Soon you'll make it to the potty every time...You're learning more every day...You're getting better and better at that....I know you didn’t mean to yell at your sister when you got upset...When I was your age, I remember how hard it was to learn to ride a bike but I just kept practicing and it got easier all the time...Practice makes perfect...Nobody bats 1000....Don't worry, it will get easier as you get older.”

Every age has its ups and downs.  As the mother of an 18 year old who's off to college, I guarantee you that someday you'll look back and wish you could enjoy just one more day of your child at whatever age he or she is now. 

Why wait?  Why not rejoice in who your child is, today?   READ POST

“When we do things that are controlling, whether intentional or not, we are not going to get the long-term outcomes we all want for our kids.”" -- Alfie Kohn  READ POST

"All communication is either an SOS or a care package." -- Kelly Bryson
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"If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far." --Daniel Goleman
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"Before we're 8 years old, we have almost no capacity to filter out information that comes to us. So if parents or teachers, people we count on to nurture us, say something hurtful to us before the age of eight...it goes in quite deep and we carry those misbeliefs with us. They profoundly affect our relationship to ourselves, to others...our sense of value in the world."  -- Dr. David Simon
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