Parenting Blog

"If you entertain thoughts that people are doing things to you -- for example, that your child (or anyone else) is manipulating you, taking advantage of you, ignoring you, or disrespecting you -- you will often feel annoyed, irritated, and angry.  However, when instead you think in terms of the needs that you and your child are trying to meet in every action taken, then you are more likely to feel compassion and connection.  And you are much more likely to take action that contributes to your child's well-being as well as your own."  -- Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hodson

We all have needs -- for food, touch, fun, safety, self-expression, connection with others.  Children are born completely powerless.  They're still trying to figure out how to get their needs met. Once kids are convinced their needs matter to their parents -- on whom they depend to meet those needs -- they can relax and listen to their parents' agenda.  In other words, they don't have to fight with us to try to get their needs met.  They feel the way we all feel when our needs are met: comfortable, happy, open, appreciative.  That's when they're ready to cooperate.

When your kids use a dysfunctional strategy to meet their needs, notice the deeper need they're trying to fill.   READ POST

Guest Blog by Jane Nelsen,
(From Positive Discipline in the Classroom)
www.positivediscipline.com  READ POST

"The average parent spends twice as long each day dealing with their email as they do playing with their child." — British government survey finding

We all know that feeling of trying to tear ourselves away from the computer to tend to our kid.  Back in the days when more of our work was manual -- kneading bread dough, darning socks -- we could at least attend to kids while we accomplished our tasks.  Computers rivet our attention and take us right out of the room. Our kids feel that.

Of course, dealing with kids can be challenging at the end of a long day.  Most parents say they have to psych themselves up to remain calm and cheerful through the dinner, bath and bedtime routine.  But the tone of this time together is what creates the fabric of your child's life. 

Can you make your child your priority for these few hours?  Can you resist that urgent need to quickly check your email, and focus instead on connecting with your kid?  Can you stay calm through all the bedtime testing so the last thing your child feels is safe warmth, rather than angry threats?

How?   READ POST

I was walking down a NY city street last Sunday when I saw a young family out walking.  Mom was pregnant.  Dad was holding the hand of his two year old son.  The little boy was crying. “Up!” he said. “Up, Daddy!”

“No,” says Dad. “You’ve been up on my shoulders all morning.  You walk now.”  He was literally yanking his kid’s arm, half pulling him along the sidewalk.

The boy cried harder.  I was so glad I wasn’t him.  I was also glad I wasn’t his mom, who was too pregnant to carry him and looked pretty unhappy.  And I was glad I wasn’t his dad, who must have had aching shoulders.

Then I realized that it was early afternoon, and clearly nap time.  Apparently, this boy had been out all morning doing things with his parents.  So naturally he was having a meltdown.  Not a great time for dad to be setting this limit.  Not a great time to be anywhere except home, putting this little guy down for his nap.

Now, I don’t doubt Dad was tired of carrying Junior.  For all I know, he had a bad back, and could have put his back out if he lifted any more.  It’s so hard to balance our needs against our kids.  Who knows what drove these parents to have their tired toddler out on the street half the day, without even a stroller?  Maybe it was important.  Maybe the kid refuses to get into a stroller.  And who am I to judge this dad and his aching shoulders?  

But I do know that moments like this are important in a child’s life, because they teach our kids defining messages.  Like whether the world is a nurturing place.  Whether the child is lovable enough for his parents to care about meeting his needs.     READ POST

My Aha parenting moment this week comes from my Pregnancy.org forum.  I regularly reprint letters from that forum here (without identifying info) so that more parents can benefit from the answers.  You can also join me for a free online chat once a month at Pregnancy.org on Wednesdays.  READ POST

Everyone knows that stress is bad for us, but why?    READ POST