Parenting Blog

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Wednesday March 4
MyExpertSolution.com
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Is your child a cat-napper? Does your baby fall asleep being fed, while in a car seat, sling, rocker, or someone’s arms? When transferred to bed, does your baby then sleep 30 to 50 minutes? That’s the exact length of one sleep cycle. These factors combined define the main cause of mini-naps: an inability to fall asleep or stay asleep without aid – your baby wakes fully at the end of the first sleep cycle, resulting in a too-short nap. I refer to this problem as One-Cycle Sleep Syndrome (OCSS). This leads us to understand the reason that many babies are cat-nappers and also directs us to potential solutions.

Cycle-Blender Naps
One way to help your baby sleep longer is to put him for a nap in a setting that will lull him back to sleep when he wakes between sleep cycles. Cycle-Blender naps occur in slings, cradle-swings, rocking cradles, or baby hammocks. Any of these can help cat-nappers extend their sleep time because when Baby begins to awaken the rhythmic motion can lull him back to sleep.

You can also create a Cycle-Blender nap in a stroller. Take a daily walk outside (it’s good for both of you!) or bring your stroller in the house. Walk your baby until she falls asleep, and then park the stroller near you. If she starts to move about, resume walking or give her a bit of a bounce and jiggle.

Once your baby gets used to taking a longer nap in the stroller, you can make a transition to bed naps. Start by reducing the movement, rolling slower and for less time. After your baby is asleep, park the stroller, using the jiggle if she wakes mid-nap. Over time, let your baby fall asleep in the stationary stroller parked next to his crib, and when the nap habit is in place, change to naps in the crib.

Create a Sleep-Inducing Bedroom
To encourage longer naps, keep the sleeping room dark so bright light doesn’t keep him alert between sleep cycles. To soothe your child through sleep cycle changes, use white noise (a recording of nature sounds), or relaxing music. Keep this on all through naptime. This creates a sleep cue and will mask noises that can wake a child who is shifting through sleep cycles.

Build a Better Bed
To entice your baby to have a longer nap, recreate the crib into a cozier nest. Use softer sheets, such as flannel, plus a thicker, softer crib mattress pad. You can also warm the bed surface before naptime with a towel fresh from the dryer (remove this and test the surface before laying your baby down.)

Make the Bed a Familiar Place
Let your baby have several play sessions in his crib during waking hours. Stay with him, engage his interest and introduce a few new toys. Let him see you as a part of the crib experience so that he gets a happy feeling being there. This way, when he is put in his crib for naptime and wakes up mid-nap it won’t be a lonely, foreign place, but one that carries familiar memories of fun times with you. This can help him accept it as a safe place for sleep and allow him to fall back into slumber after that first sleep cycle.

Interpret Signs of Tiredness
If you put your child for a nap before he is tired, or when he is overtired he won’t sleep as well as when you hit that ideal just-tired moment. Observe your child for signs of tiredness, such as losing interest in toys, looking glazed, becoming cranky, or slumping in his seat. Put your child for a nap the moment you see any sign of fatigue. If you take note of the time that this occurs over a week you should see a pattern emerge. This can help you set up a daily nap schedule that suits your child’s tired times perfectly.

Gauge time spans between naps
In addition to signs of tiredness also watch to see how long your child has been awake. Children can only stay happily awake for a certain period of time until they receive a biological pull towards a nap. Once that “pull” begins your child becomes fatigued and his cheerful mood begins to deteriorate. Each child has unique sleep needs, but this chart shows the typical span of time a child can stay happily awake:

Age Awake time span
Newborn 1 – 2 hours
6 month old 2 – 3 hours
12 month old 3 – 4 hours
18 month old 4 – 6 hours
2 year old 5 – 7 hours
3 year old 6 – 8 hours
4 year old 6 – 12 hours

Keep in mind that children grow and change and their nap schedule should change with them. What’s perfect today may be different than what is perfect next month. Keep your eye on your baby and on the clock..

Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Nap Solution (McGraw-Hill, 2009).

Listen to Nancy Samalin live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!

Wednesday February 25
MyExpertSolution.com
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When Barbara became a parent, she swore she’d never utter the words “because I said so.” Her own parents had frequently responded to her questions that way, and she’d always resented it. But that was before she had an inquisitive child of her own. Now, as she races to get everyone out of the house in the morning, Barbara faces endless questions from four-year-old Natalie: “Why do I have to go to school? Why do you have to go work? Why can’t we stay home and play?"

The first morning Natalie asked “why?” Barbara took the time to explain patiently -- even though they were running late. “I thought I could nip the problem in the bud by clearly pointing out the reasons to Natalie,” she recalls. “I told her about all the kids in my class who were waiting for me to come and be their teachers. I reminded her about what fun she had at preschool and how much her friends would miss her if she weren’t there. I told her we could spend lots of time together over the weekend.

“When I was finished with my long and convincing list, Natalie looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘But why, Mommy?”

“Now we go through this routine every morning,” Barbara concludes, “and Because I said so is looking better and better.”

When kids repeatedly ask, “why?” they don’t always require a reason. Often, they just want to get you to change your mind. “Why?” is their way of expressing displeasure with a decision you’ve made. Or it can be a way to get your attention.

Parents, meanwhile, often believe that if they take the time to explain their reasons, their kids will more readily comply and they can avoid making their children unhappy. Not so! When you try to reason with your child about why he can’t have a cookie, stay up late, or ride his bike in the dark, your goal is to get him to see things your way -- to give up wanting what he wants. His goal is quite different -- to nudge you from a no to a yes.

Children don’t do this because they are naughty, obstinate, or deliberately indifferent to your explanations. Reasoning is an acquired skills, which requires a cognitive ability that young children don’t yet possess. Before age three or four, children react to situations based on their emotions and their physical comfort levels. Between the ages of four and six, they gain a limited understanding of the way the world works but still lack well-developed reasoning skills. They live in the moment. When your young child wants to stay up past her bedtime and you say no, she won’t be satisfied by your explanation that she’ll be tired in the morning. She is totally engaged in the here and now, and isn’t the least bit concerned with how she might feel the next day.
Trying to reason with a child who lacks the ability to be reasonable leads to frustration on both sides. Not only does the child remain unconvinced, but you may find that when your explanation doesn’t work, you become angrier than if you hadn’t offered any at all. The more time you invest, the greater your resentment: “Here I went to all this effort to explain, and she’s still not satisfied!”

When kids ask serious question that are truly a search for clarity, information, or understanding, they almost never start with “Why can’t I?” or “Why won’t you let me?” Serious questions do merit discussion or a thoughtful explanation. But most kids’ “why” questions are designed simply to engage you -- and rarely in a positive way. They enjoy trying to get you to change your mind. I call their talent for endless questioning and prodding “the sandpaper technique.” They ask and ask and ask until your resistance is worn away.

Any question that begins, “Why can’t I?” or “Why won’t you let me?” should send up a red flag -- especially if you’ve answered it before. It’s pointless to keep repeating the same explanation. Instead, turn the question around and put the onus on your child to answer it. One mom in my workshop has a child who comes up with another why, then another. So she turns it into a thinking game, saying, “I’ll come up with one reason, then you think of another.”

Turning the question around can be extremely effective, as another mother in my workshop discovered when she used it with her six-year-old son:

Tony: Why can’t I have a gerbil?
Mom: We’ve been through this before.
Tony: But why can’t I?
Mom: I’ll bet you know the answer to that. You tell me.
Tony: (reluctantly) Because we already have a cat and a rabbit and we don’t have any more room?
Mom: Right. Those are all good reasons.

This approach is a gentle way of reminding your child that you’ve already been around this track numerous times, and that you have faith in his ability to figure out the answer himself. It requires him -- the person asking the question -- to take the answer more seriously. This tactic lets you encourage your child in a positive way and puts him in the position of reinforcing your message. What’s more he ends up feeling good because he has come up with his own answers.

Many parents tell me they want to learn from the mistakes their own parents made and do it differently. While they accept the fact that children need rules and guidelines, they are determined to find a warmer, more child-friendly style of parenting than they experienced in the authoritarian households of their youth. In the process, they often discover ways to make no’s seem less abrupt and “I’m the boss” sound more like “I’m in charge.” And they learn the best lesson there is : You can be loving and still say no!

Guest Blog by Lisa Stroyan

founder of Empathic Parenting

(first published by North Star Family Matters Magazine)

One day, my five-year-old son said something I never expected to hear.  “But, Mom, can't I keep playing next to you instead of watching a video?  Cleaning is more fun…” 

What?  Did he just say cleaning is fun??  One of my inherited, unconscious beliefs was that some things in life (like cleaning) are boring and children just have to learn to do the boring things in order to get to the "good" stuff (the corollary being that it is the parent’s job to make them do "boring" stuff in order to teach this lesson.)    

Of course, all children encounter situations that aren’t necessarily fun, and they need to be able to handle them, but no longer do I believe that it is my duty to provide the “boring stuff”. I want him to make the best out of life, instead of viewing it as a chore.  In fact, one of the key things I learned as a stay-at-home mom is how to keep life fun—even while changing a diaper or mopping the floor! 

Now, I teach my child to make the best out of each situation.  And indeed, as he has gotten older, the chores that used to be problematic (getting dressed, getting out the door, brushing teeth, etc.) are now, for the most part, routine and struggle-free.

Playfulness is an appropriate and helpful tool, even when (or especially when!) children "misbehave."  In his book, Playful Parenting, Lawrence J. Cohen writes, "being playful is not about rewards/punishment, but about restoring the ingredient that was missing in the first place—connection."  This book describes the value of using play to help us reconnect with our children in a variety of situations.  

Occasionally, playfulness turns into competition.  Cohen points out that children get enough experience about losing out in the real world.  We do them a favor by letting them win in their early games with us; their self-confidence and sense of personal power are enhanced when they learn to lead the way.  When more than one child is involved, having the children team up and win “against” the adult will encourage cooperation. As they get older, if we listen and trust them, we will hear whether they need a "win" or a challenge.  

Over the years, our family has developed many ways to cooperate and connect using play.  Here are some of our favorites, many of which my son created.  Modify them to fit your situation and have fun with your children creating new ones!

“Relay-Race” Jammies-  A child takes off one piece of clothing, runs to another room, and touches a certain spot; then runs back, takes off the next item or puts on the next bed-time item, and then repeats until dressed.  This gets out the evening energy and takes the focus off of “getting ready for bed.”  Be sure to follow with a calming activity such as reading bedtime stories.

Airplane
This is a great solution to seatbelt wars and can get you out the door on time, without a struggle.  Pretend you are going on an airplane.  Start by playing the flight attendant, saying, "Flight 1234 will begin boarding in 5 minutes.  Please collect your baggage and proceed to the gate.“  And, later, “All ticketed passengers should now be on board.”  Once in the "airplane" the flight attendant asks all passengers to make sure their seatbelts are buckled "low and tight across their laps," etc.  You can "prepare for takeoff" on the driveway and off you fly. 

Code Red Alert!
“Code Red Alert!” is only used when you’re in a rush; this keeps the preparations fun.  Either the child or parent "rings the bell" to signal an emergency.  Then see how fast the kids can get into their clothes, or get into the car to leave.  Only use this one when you are almost ready to go (no-one stops to run the dishwasher in an emergency!) and make sure that everyone knows the differences between this and real thing.  

Surprise Me
My son invented this game.  The parent expresses doubt that the child is able to do something easy and then acts surprised when it happens.  Use this one only if it gets your child giggling so you know they are in on the game and so as not to use it manipulatively.  A variation of this is to act surprised that something has changed, e.g., "Now how did that plate get from the table to the counter?”

Time-It
Run a stopwatch to see how long it takes your children to do a task, e..g, cleaning up all the toys.  Instead of comparing to last time, just say, "Wow—3 minutes and 9 seconds!”  Or, agree to see how many toys you can pick up together in a certain amount of time or until a particular piece of music ends.  When the timer goes off, you’re done picking up, even if some toys are still left.  Make sure that the tasks are short enough that your kids can stay focused and engaged.  Both of these games help kids gain a sense of time and responsibility.

Let's Race!
This is a great game for getting dressed.  Race your child to see who gets dressed first, or let him try to get dressed before you finish something, such as making breakfast.  When more than one child is involved, have the children team up and help each other.

The "Can-Do Team"
This idea came from a working mom with three children.  When her husband travels, it's hard to get all three kids out the door, dinner made, everyone to bed, etc.  The idea is to tell your kids, "We can do it together, because we're a 'Can-Do Team!”  Let your kids help each other get dressed, brush teeth, get breakfast, pack backpacks, and load the car while you cheer them on.  Encourage each of them to communicate with each other to figure out when and where help is needed.  Everything is a team effort with all parties sharing ideas and suggestions on how to get something done.  When something breaks down, everyone stops what they're doing and problem-solves the breakdown.  You might even have them pick an actual team name ("Fireballs," "Eagles," "Howling Wolves," or…)   "Can-Do Team, let's make dinner!  What are we having?” (Let them create a menu).  “Can-Do team, who's setting the table?  Ready?!?  Go!"

Top-to-Bottom Cleanup
Have you ever noticed how it is more fun to do someone else's work than your own?  In this game, work together to clean the house, without attention to who made the mess.   Take a laundry basket with you to put items that belong in other rooms, and ask your child to "drive" it from room to room,  putting things away as you travel.  Use your imagination – e.g., the laundry basket can be a dumptruck and the vacuum can be a bulldozer.  This game also offers an opportunity to talk about how nice it feels when rooms are clean and how great it feels to work together.  

Drop us a note with ideas you've used successfully to "Make It Fun" with your kids.

Lisa Stroyan, founder of Empathic Discipline, is a parenting facilitator, writer, and coach.  She empowers parents across the country to create positive and respectful relationships with their children.  You can find her on the web at www.empathic-discipline.com.  

Copyright 2003 Lisa Stroyan 

I was at a social gathering with the most beautiful toddler.  His grandmother was sitting with him while he played with his toy cars.  “What color is that one?” she would ask, and this little boy, only two years old, would say “Wed!” or “Boo!”  He even knew “Geen” and “Yewwow.”  Then she showed him the aqua-colored car, and he said “Boo?”  “That’s Turquoise.” corrected Grandma. “Can you say Turquoise?”

Watching this little boy’s face, I realized that he felt bad.  Then it hit me.  He felt dumb.  Here he is, only two, and he knows all these colors, and he feels bad because he doesn’t Turquoise! Think about it. By definition, the game escalates through all the right answers until the child is stumped.  It wouldn’t matter if the two year old knew what chartreuse was but then stumbled on mauve.  His take-away is that he was tested and he failed. HE doesn’t know that he has done better than most kids his age.

For the grownup, this is a fun game, a teaching game.  For even the smartest child, it’s an exercise that always ends up making him feel dumb.

So don't test your youngster, and don't let Grandma do it either. It doesn't matter if you're quizzing a toddler about what color the cars are, or a preschooler on what the stop sign says; or a budding genius on trigonometry.  The game is designed to continue until the child fails, so sooner or later they don't know the answer, and they'll feel like they should, no matter how unreasonable it is. That self-doubt can last for the rest of his life, even if he’s brilliant.