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Who hasn't had a hard time with this? I know that when my child starts to lose it, something in me wants to scream "No!"
- No, I don't have time for this right now!
- No, you're embarrassing me, people are looking!
- No, why can't she be reasonable?
- No, we've been through this, not again!
- No, she is so self-centered, I need to teach her a lesson!
- No, what am I doing wrong that she's tantrumming again?
- No, I know this is my fault, I should have... I shouldn't have...!
- No, why is she doing this to me?!
- No, why can't you just suck it up the way I do?
Bingo. If I had acted like that as a child, I would have had it knocked out of me -- probably physically, but at least with the threat of abandonment. Like most kids in my generation, I learned to stuff my feelings. I learned they were dangerous.
I was lucky enough to have some excellent therapy and a meditation practice before I had kids. That helped me to notice my own thoughts and feelings, and train myself to tolerate my child's. But most of us enter parenting without that head start.
So when our child has a meltdown, the little one inside of us gets triggered. Danger signs flash. As always when danger looms, we feel a sense of panic. We just want to get away (that's flight) or we feel a sudden rage -- we want to MAKE him shut up (that's fight) or we go numb (that's freeze).
Holding him with empathy, allowing him to let all those feelings out? Witnessing his anger without taking it personally? That's a stretch for most parents, maybe an impossible one. All of our good intentions fly out the window.
And yet every child has numerous experiences of fear, anger, frustration and sadness that need to be expressed and accepted. That's a foundation of emotional intelligence, which allows kids to learn to manage their emotions.
So what can we do to address our own deep-rooted feelings, so we can be there for our kids?
1. Acknowledge your own feelings. Our panic in the face of our child's raw emotions is an issue from our own childhoods. The only way to uproot it is to see how it served us when we were little. Say to your rising panic: "Thanks for keeping me safe when I was little. I'm grown now. All these feelings are ok. I can handle this."
2. Remind yourself that it isn't an emergency. This isn't a threat; it's your beloved child, who needs your love right now. Whatever happens, you can handle it. If your mind persists in setting off alarms, tell it you'll deal with those concerns later, not now.
3. Remind yourself that this is a good thing. We know your child will feel these feelings, no matter what. The only question is whether you make it ok for him to express them, or whether you teach him they're dangerous. (Just in case you're wondering, it's the emotions we repress that pop out without warning and get us into trouble.) Even if you can't say a whole-hearted YES! when your child starts to melt down, try to move from your automatic NO! to a warm-hearted OK, just the way you do at other times when your child needs you.
4. Take the pressure off. You don't have to fix your child or the situation. All you have to do is stay present. Your child doesn't even need the red cup, or whatever he's crying for, he needs your loving acceptance of him, complete with all his tangled up feelings. His disappointment, rage, grief? They're all ok, and they will all pass without you doing a thing.
5. Take a deep breath and choose love. Every choice we make, at core, is a move towards either love or fear. Let your caring for your child give you the courage to choose love. Not just love for your child, but love for the child you once were, and the parent you are now. Just keep breathing, and saying to yourself "I choose love." (Too corny? Research shows this works. But you can easily find another effective mantra: "She's acting like a kid because she IS a kid....This too shall pass....I came out ok and she will too." Whatever works for you.)
6. Keep it simple. Your child needs you to witness her outpouring of emotion and let her know that she is still a good person, despite all these yucky feelings. So she needs your reassurance and permission. Explanations, negotiations, remorse, recriminations, analysis of why she's so upset, or attempts to "comfort" her ("There, there, you don't have to cry, that's enough") will all shut down this natural emotive process. You don't have to say much. Your calm, loving tone is what matters. Maybe:
You are so upset.
Go ahead and cry.
That's ok. Everybody needs to cry sometimes.
I hear how mad and sad you are.
I will stay right here while you get all those mad and sad feelings out.
You're telling me to go away, so I will move back a little bit, but I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings.
When you're ready, I am right here to hug you.
7. Find a good listener so that you can talk about your feelings. Nothing triggers primal emotions like parenting. You also need to vent, which means you need someone to listen. Someone who will resist giving you advice. Someone who won't be shocked when you admit that you wanted to slam your kid against the wall or leave him there in the grocery store, because they know everyone has felt this way, and you wouldn't actually do it. Someone who won't get triggered and go into a panic about whether it's ok for you, or your child, to feel such things. Someone who will let you cry, who will be there for you just as you're there for your child.
This is hard work for parents, but a great gift to our children. The good news is that once we say YES to children's full range of feelings, they learn to manage them in healthy ways. In fact, you'll see positive results immediately after every "tantrum" that you meet with love, because your child will feel so much better for the rest of the day. That's unconditional love in action.
"An impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a 'Good job!'"-- Alfie Kohn
If you think you should always praise your kids, you may be
surprised to hear that studies show praise often backfires.
We know that rewards rob kids of the joy inherent in an
accomplishment. For instance, kids who receive money for grades stop
taking joy in a job well done and operate in single-minded pursuit of
the monetary reward, even to the point of being more likely to cheat.
But it turns out that praise, given it's potency as a
reward, has similar effects. Kids who are praised for eating vegetables
learn that vegetables aren't inherently delicious -- they need to come
with a spoonful of sugar in the form of praise. Kids who are praised
for reading learn that reading isn't inherently rewarding -- you have to
be rewarded for doing it. And kids who are praised for sharing begin
to share less, because they have apparently learned from the praise that
no one in their right mind would share out of the goodness of their
heart.
Maybe worst of all, studies show that kids who are praised a
lot conclude that someone is constantly evaluating their performance.
They become much more insecure about expressing their own ideas and
opinions, worried about whether they will measure up.
Positive evaluations, like "What a smart boy!" sabotage
children. Kids who are told they're smart don't want to disprove it so
they avoid situations in which they may not appear smart, such as
learning new things they might have to work at. They often simply give
up at a task they could master with a little effort. (By contrast, when
we comment on kids' effort -- "You are really working at that"
-- they work harder.)
To review, Praise:
1. Robs kids of their joy in their accomplishments.
2. Makes it less likely that they will independently
practice the behaviors they are praised for.
3. Undermines kids' self-confidence and teaches them to look
for outside feedback to feel ok.
4. Keeps kids from applying themselves for fear they won't
live up to the praise.
But that doesn't mean you can't engage positively with your
child. The key is unconditional positive regard -- seeing your child
and saying what you see -- rather than conditional praise.
Tomorrow: What to say instead of praising.
“I'm afraid that if I continue to parent DS as I did when he was a baby (meeting his needs) he won't learn to control his emotions." -- Joanna, mom of one year old on Continuum Concept Forum
It's true that when little ones get to about 14 months, parenting gets more complicated. Babies have needs that parents aspire to meet whenever possible. Kids have wants, which are their strategies to meet their needs. We still try to meet kids' needs, of course -- but we can't, and shouldn't, meet all their wants. That's where parents have to get creative, or maybe where the real parenting begins!
But this fear so many of us have about whether our child will learn to control his emotions is, I think, where we start to go wrong as parents. Most of us assume that when kids stop being so easily controlled, we have to stop giving them unconditional love. We start putting conditions on our love in order to control them. We think we're changing their behavior but in actuality we're withdrawing the support they need to thrive.
And this is all based on a mistaken idea of how kids learn to control emotions. Denying emotion or making ourselves wrong for having emotions doesn't help us control them.
Here's how a child actually learns to control his emotions:
1. We accept ALL of his feelings, and help our child feel safe enough to express them, even while we limit his actions (for instance, he can be as mad as he wants, but he can't hit the other child.)
2. We resist all forms of discipline, which are essentially punishment (such as time outs, or consequences.) Instead, we meet our child's needs, including her need for a deep nurturing connection with us, which eliminates most "misbehavior." Then, we help our child stay on track with positive, respectful guidance and scaffolding (which just means that we help them to learn the skills until they can do it themselves.)
3. We model healthy emotional self-management by resisting our own little "tantrums" such as yelling and instead choosing to speak respectfully to our child and everyone else. (This is the one most of us are still working on!)
When kids feel good, they "act good." Kids who are parented this way turn out to be respectful, considerate, delightful kids, right through the teen years. They learn to "control" their emotions because they have a healthy emotional life, not because they have been humiliated, made wrong, or forced to be untrue to themselves in some way.
If you're still working on "controlling" your own "tantrums," you'll be glad to hear that your kids will almost certainly be better at managing their emotions than you are. Why? You're doing the hard work now to help them learn how!
“My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring. I also believe that I sometimes need some mercy and love myself.” -- BarelyKnitTogether
Humans have somewhere between 10,000 and 70,000 thoughts per day. The majority of these thoughts are “negative.” Our minds, doing their job of trying to protect us, constantly compare, judge, find fault, and warn.
The information they give us is often valuable. The nitpicking isn’t. All those negative thoughts are what create your anxiety, upset moods and mommy or daddy tantrums. In fact, our minds’ negativity is downright destructive.
It’s our job as grownups to keep our inner critics from running our lives. We can start by noticing all those subtle inner critic attacks.
Today, just notice every time your inner critic comments. Are you criticizing yourself? Your kids? Your partner? Life?
Does that really help anybody change? (Hint: When
we feel attacked, we defend. Our natural desire to cooperate vanishes.)
Does your inner critic help you feel more relaxed, empowered, loving?
Does your inner critic help your kids feel more loved, secure, open, eager to please?
Why not kiss your inner critic goodbye?
Why not offer your family – and yourself -- some mercy and love?
You might make miracles.
"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied. Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...."-- Katrina Kenison
All of us have needs that are never satisfied, as do our children. Some of them we can name: An hour alone to chill out. A bit more money to make ends meet. More help around the house.
Our deeper needs -- which feed our souls -- may be more elusive: More meaning. More aliveness. More connection.
Kids can't name their deepest needs:
- To have all of who they are be truly seen and appreciated -- even the "bad" parts.
- To know their parents adore them and love to care for them.
- More relaxed, playful, unstructured, affirming time with each parent.
They can’t name these things, but when they're hungry for them, they don't thrive. They seem unhappy, uncooperative, whiny, insatiable. Nothing feels like enough to them. So they demand more, more, and more. More time before bedtime. More treats than their sibling. More material possessions. But more of what we didn't really need to begin with can never fill our deepest desires.
Not meeting our family’s deepest needs is like starving our children – and ourselves.
Do you suspect your child has unsatisfied needs? What could they be? How could you attend to them?
What need do you have that is crying out for deeper fulfillment?
How could you change things in your family life to better nourish your own and your children's souls this weekend -- and every day?
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