Parenting Blog

"The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well” -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

We all know that children require unconditional love to thrive. But how many of us feel capable of giving it?  We can't, quite simply, give something we don't have inside.  Loving your child starts with loving yourself.

So if you didn’t have a perfect childhood, if you're more cranky than compassionate, should you just give up on being a good parent?  No.  Research shows that we can always grow inside, to become more loving to ourselves and others.  In fact, the fastest path to stretching our hearts is parenting, because our love for our child motivates us to grow.  It takes work, but the good news is that as our hearts get bigger, we’re not just better parents.  We’re happier people.  READ POST

This is Step 8 from our series Ten Steps to Heal Your Ability to Love Unconditionally. 
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“My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring. I also believe that I sometimes need some mercy and love myself.” -- BarelyKnitTogether  READ POST

"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied. Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...."-- Katrina Kenison  READ POST

“How would your life change if you genuinely accepted yourself, just the way you are?" -- Dr. Tara Brach.

Today we're exploring the 9th commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person -- in 2010:  READ POST

“Although few parents purposely raise their children to lead lives of quiet desperation, the parent who raises her child without taking the time to know his heart may discover that she unwittingly led him straight down this path.” – Laura Ramirez

I shouldn’t have to remind my children to do what’s right. They should know by now.

Of course. But knowing what’s right and wanting to do what’s right are two different things.

My children should WANT do right. Their good intentions should win out over their darker impulses.

Of course. But do yours, always?  How long did it take you to WANT to do right? Do you ALWAYS do right?

But I’ve taught my children what’s right. Why can’t they do what I say?

Because for us humans to do right, our hearts need to WANT to.  That's the secret of free will -- it starts in the heart. The more unhappy your child’s heart, the more unhappy her behavior.

Why’s her heart so unhappy?  She knows I love her. What’s her problem?

Human hearts are 100% a product of our experiences in the world, which aren’t wholly positive, even for the luckiest person. Who among us feels 100% lovable, that we’re more than enough, exactly as we are?

How do I change my child’s heart, then?

By embracing your child and accepting him exactly as he is. Stop sending him the message that he has to change to be ok.  Once his heart stops struggling for a foothold, it can relax into love.  Humans who feel good about themselves WANT to do right.

I don’t have time for all this “heart” stuff. Why can’t my kid just behave?

Your kid can “just behave,” as soon as his heart can choose love. Your choice is to help that process, or hinder it. We don’t have to like the way humans are built, but like ignoring the laws of gravity, ignoring the way humans are put together doesn't give us the best results.

I think kids should just behave. 

As a parent, I often do too.  But as a mentor to my children, I want the best long-term result, not the best short-term result. That comes from going beyond the behavior to the heart.   READ POST

My Aha Parenting moment this week came during a dinner party.  A conversation about the recent furor in the New York TImes and on NPR about Alfie Kohn and timeouts led to a discussion of discipline methods, including spankings. I felt compelled to point out that both timeouts and spanking are punishments, not discipline.  Discipline means “to guide” and there are more effective ways to guide kids than punishment.  As always in these social conversations where no one has hired me as their parenting expert, I tried to walk the line between saying what I think --  punishment gets in the way of raising cooperative kids -- and making other parents wrong.  I do understand, after all, how a parent can feel at the end of her rope and use a timeout.  READ POST