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Most of us deny that somewhere inside we feel unimportant. We can't bear the feeling, so we've buried it. Even if we do feel unimportant at times, we're ashamed to admit it. Meanwhile, slights and disrespect upset us. If we were confident of our importance in the world, we wouldn't even notice disrespect, much less feel slighted by it.
And yet most of us raise our children -- the children we adore, would do anything for, even if they do sometimes drive us crazy -- to secretly feel unimportant.
How do we do this? The list is endless, and we all do them:
- We give them the message that our work is more important, by going off to work while they're crying behind us.
- We give in to their demands even though we (and, secretly, they) know the request we're granting is bad for them, because it's easier than setting limits and loving them through their upset.
- We give them the message that they're not as important as our chores; we're "too busy" to sit and play with them or just hang out.
- We spend family time at movies or watching TV instead of interacting.
- We don't listen deeply to their feelings or opinions.
- We call them "drama queens" instead of respecting the depth of their feelings.
- We don't accept our child's angry, sad or other "negative" feelings, so he feels like only part of him is ok and the rest is shameful.
- We cast around for "playdates" on weekends even though they've been at childcare all week, so we can get some time to ourselves.
- We get exasperated at having to "do" for our child.
- We work from home in their presence, which they interpret as meaning our work is more important than their needs.
- We travel a lot for work.
- We go on trips with our spouse when our children are small.
- We don't want to give our kids a "swelled head" so we withhold admiration.
- We give admiration for surface things, like looks, rather than who our child is inside and the choices she makes.
Even if you've never done any of these things -- and who hasn't?! -- what percentage of the time do young children want their parents' attention? 100%? No wonder most kids form the belief that they're unimportant, or not valued for who they are.
No parent is perfect. We will all, sometimes, unintentionally give our kids this message. How can we compensate? Just by according our child the respect of acknowledging his needs, whenever possible.
This weekend, notice what message you give your child about her importance. That doesn't mean putting her needs first. It means acknowledging them and balancing them with your own. For instance, "I really want to hear what you have to say to me. As soon as I'm done with this, I will give you my full attention." Follow up on your promise.
May your weekend be filled with miracles, large and small.
My Aha Moment parenting this week came while I was reading some brain research. Neuroscientists have found that the critical period for the development of certain parts of the brain coincides precisely with the critical period for attachment development—during the first three years of life.
Dr. Allan Schore, from the Department of Psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, has done a lot of research on the orbito-frontal cortex. If you’ve lost track of yours, it’s located above the eyes in the forehead area between the left and right hemispheres. The orbito-frontal cortex plays a central role in the development of empathy, emotional memory, infant attachment and emotional regulation. Schore believes that the process of parent-infant attunement has a direct impact on the development of the orbito-frontal cortex. The neurons located in this area are particularly sensitive to the emotional expressions of the human face. When a parent holds her baby and gazes lovingly at him, it stimulates the neurons in this area to develop. These neurons form the foundation of the child’s later moods, relationships, self esteem, and ability to control himself.
My Aha moment was realizing that the majority of babies in the United States are in daycare during much of this developmental period. Are their brains developing optimally? I doubt it. How many daycare workers are holding babies and gazing lovingly at them? They simply don’t have time. As Penelope Leach says, those infant smiles are so slow in coming with babies. You smile at a two month old, and it takes her awhile to make contact with her facial muscles and smile back at you. That dance is part of what develops the neurons in the orbito-frontal cortex. But by the time the baby smiles, the daycare worker has moved on. Even while feeding, babies are often propped with bottles rather than held. I’m not criticizing the daycare workers. They are ill-paid and usually have little education in child development. Why should they be expected to love all those babies the way parents would? In fact, how could they? But even if they have the inclination, they certainly don’t have the time.
All of which means that the epidemic of children unable to regulate their emotions and behavior – and often growing into adults who are medicated – may be related to the prevalence of infant daycare in our society. Even when kids come out ok, how much better off could they have been if they’d had more of those loving gazes?
This is the kind of subtle effect that it’s hard to trace, that may not show up in studies of kids in daycare. So all this worrying parents do about playing classical music for their babies to make them smarter, and getting them to read early? And here we may be compromising their brain development – and their later happiness and life adjustment - in much more fundamental ways.
My other Aha moment was how many times I’ve heard the view that something that happens before a child can talk won’t affect them, because they won’t remember it. And here we’re finding that some of the most important brain development takes place mostly before kids can talk! I’ve had parents say to me that babies don’t need their parents when they’re little – that anyone could be holding them or feeding them. They point out that babies often don’t seem to know the difference during their first six months. Well, babies may not show that they know the difference, but their brain development, and their life adjustment, turns out to be shaped by those early interactions. Seems to me our society needs a little Aha Moment about this!
“You don't drown by falling in water, but by staying there."
--Tina Nocera
When you walk into your home, do you feel wonderful? Or like you're drowning?
You
know all those things you walk past and sigh? They wear you down, or
build resentment. They slowly poison you and your family. It's
Spring! What better time to give your home a once-over so that it
better supports your family?
This
weekend, gather your family for a few hours. If the kids resist,
explain that in a family everyone pitches in and works together. Grab
a pad of paper, a box, and garbage bags. Walk through your house
together. Anything you're ready to give away goes in the box. Anything
you can throw away goes in the garbage. Anything that repeatedly
annoys you gets written down on the pad. (Each person is limited to
four things, so the list doesn't get overwhelming. You can always do
this again next month!)
Then sit down over pizza and talk about your list. What can you fix
today? Keep the list manageable and give everyone tasks according to
their age and ability. Brainstorm how the whole family can tackle the
remaining issues over the next month. If an item will cost money,
budget how to accomplish that goal over time. Set up a jar, label it,
and celebrate as everyone starts contributing funds (in the form of
cash or checks).
Fix as many things as possible this weekend and then celebrate with ice
cream. Brainstorm together how you can keep your home feeling this
orderly in the future. Your whole family will feel more connected,
energetic and empowered. Your kids will have learned some terrific
lessons. And you'll begin next week feeling like you can walk on water.
May your weekend be filled with miracles, large and small.
Everyone
knows that stress is bad for us, but why? Did you know that stress
causes spikes in cortisol, the stress hormone produced by the adrenal
glands? That’s okay if you’re grabbing your kid away from the side of
the pool, but chronic high cortisol levels are bad for your body.
Among other nasty effects, elevated cortisol can interfere with your
body’s progesterone production and throw all your hormones all out of
whack. Some symptoms of chronically elevated cortisol and
out-of-balance progesterone include:
• Slower metabolism and weight gain
• Anxiety, including difficulty falling asleep
• Emotional outbursts and moodiness
• Difficulty concentrating
• Depression, exhaustion, sluggishness, crankiness.
• PMS
• Heavy periods with cramps
• Food cravings and binging
As every mother learns, to her dismay, you can't be a good mom when you're stressed out, no matter how positive your intentions. It's true that modern life creates stress, but it's also true that what stresses out one person may just roll off the back of another. A three pronged approach works best: Strengthen your body so you can parent with
more energy and calm, pare down the stressors in your life -- and commit yourself to remaining calm and not letting yourself get provoked into stress-mode. Here are ten stress-busting strategies you can use starting today.
1.
Eat right. Think protein at every meal and for snacks. (That doesn’t
necessarily mean meat. Try beans, tofu, nuts, dairy, eggs and fish.) Five
to eight servings of whole fruits and veggies (not juice). Healthy
fats are fine in moderation (olive oil, nuts, avocado) but hydrogenated
oils are really dangerous to your long-term health. Sugar and sweet
treats are just that – occasional treats – and should not be part of
your regular diet. Limit carbs except for whole grains. Carbs throw
off your blood sugar and hormones, make you tired and moody, and put on
weight. And make sure you take a multivitamin and a calcium/magnesium
supplement, unless you’re sure you’re getting enough.
2. Half
an hour of sweat inducing activity daily will cut cortisol levels,
boost progesterone, and burn fat. What more incentive do you need?
Turn on the music and get your kids dancing with you!
3. This is the hardest one by far for mothers. Get enough sleep, even if it means napping when your kids nap and going to bed at 9pm. Don't worry, these years are over fast.
4.
Pare down your schedule. Prioritize your kids and your relationship.
Then drop anything else you can. Your house can stay a mess a little
longer. Serve scrambled eggs for dinner. Just say no. You’ll thank
yourself. Your kids will thrive.
5. Pay attention to breathing, calmly and deeply, as
often as you remember, all day long. Feeling stressed out? Breathe.
Kids just dump their toys in the toilet? Breathe. This will change
your life.
6. Count your blessings and cultivate optimism.
Every time you start to feel negative, find as many things as you can
to be grateful for, and really feel that gratitude. Research shows this practice reduces stress and improves health and attitude.
7. Cut
your kids some slack. Kids aren’t bad, they’re just young. The fact
that Michael clobbered his playmate or Jillian smeared poop on the wall
doesn’t mean they’ll be psychopaths. When they’re hardest to love is
when they most need our love and understanding.
8. Cut
yourself some slack. There are no perfect moms, and there are no
perfect people. Practice positive self-talk. Find ways to nurture
yourself. Loving yourself – really feeling your love for yourself –
is the single most important thing you can do for yourself, and for
your kids.
9. Life is too short for you to be stressing over bad
relationships. If you’re feeling stressed about your relationship with
your husband or partner, make working things out a priority. Go to
counseling if necessary. If you need more support in your life, find
other moms with whom you feel comfortable and start building new
friendships.
10. Find spirit in your life.
This doesn’t have
to mean a higher power, although it might. For some of us, it’s as
simple as a walk in the woods or gazing at the stars. Your kids
benefit from quiet time in nature too. We all need to reconnect
regularly with the miracles that make life worth living.
Guest Blog by Anne R. Pierce
Author of Ships without a Shore: America's Undernurtured Children
Listen to Anne R. Pierce live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday March 25
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)
The Demise of Childhood
Childhood in America is nearly lost. In fast-paced, competitively charged modern-America, there is unyielding pressure upon children of a younger and younger age.
Today, young children expend their energy on long days in group situations, on preschool activities and after-school programs, on team sports and music and athletic lessons. Steeped in an intellectual permissiveness, which allows us to believe something is true because our modern outlook tells us that it should be, we have convinced ourselves of these suppositions: that parental substitutes are as good as parents themselves at “caring for” children, that more lessons and sports are better than less and that the earlier children embark upon them the better, and that childhood innocence is less important than the development of worldly attitudes and competitive skills.
There is a definite sense that, if everyone else is increasing their step, we had better increase our step too, never mind the why. We have become unsympathetic to exhaustion, vexation, and demoralization, seeing them as necessary corollaries to achievement -whether it’s the parent’s achievement or the child’s.
“They’ll get over it” we are told when babies in full-time institutional day care show signs of stress, fatigue and detachment. ”Come on you can do it” parents shout as children “try again” to achieve the perfect pitch of the ball, the perfect ballet pose, the perfect runner’s mile, the perfect musical performance.
Thus, we are taken by surprise when success strategies backfire; when, instead of gaining momentum, children lose energy, motivation and enthusiasm. But, this end result simply makes sense. For, when we emphasize outward displays of accomplishment over children’s actual moral and intellectual advancement, children inevitably feel a void.
Moreover, when we fill their lives with every opportunity except relaxed parent-child interaction, it is less likely that they will thrive.
It is sad to think of young children with little time at home and little time to play. They are missing the multifarious opportunities that homelife and play provides: for relaxing, imagining, exploring, creating, interacting, relating, role-playing, learning and just having fun. Our busy lives allow too little time to question whether all this busyness is necessary or whether the content that fills our children’s lives is good.
The possibility that children might find their activities less rather than more desirable when they are older because these activities were forced upon them at an inappropriately young age is not addressed. The possibility that they will never find their own passionate interests because they spent so much time in structured situations does not enter in. The possibility that having a competitive edge might not be as important as leading a virtuous, intelligently thought out life is not addressed nor is the fact that one needs a certain amount of time to be a thinker; a certain amount of freedom to be creative.
Teaching children to be tough and prepared for the world, achieving doers instead of capable thinkers, has its consequences. Children’s innate curiosity is intense. When that curiosity has no room to fulfill itself, it burns out like a smothered flame.
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