Parenting Blog

When my daughter comes home from school or a playdate and starts acting out, I set the limit: "I know that something must've really made you mad at school today.  I am here to help you or to just talk about it but  you may not smack your brother in the head." ... If I persist,  "Boy, you seem so mad ....Can you tell me what's going on?" ... She will yell "STOP TALKING; I DON'T WANT TO TALK or "QUIT ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE ME TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS"... I let her know that I am here for her when she's ready to talk.  At bedtime I may try one last time with no luck. She may get up the next morning and the negative attention seeking behaviors are still there and she has to go about her day lugging around what happened yesterday and I was not able to help her sort through it.  She is opening up more and more these last few weeks (since I have stopped yelling!) but at times she still completely shuts down.  READ POST

"Are you part of the problem, or part of the solution?"

We all feel the urge to blame someone when things go wrong.  We seem to think that fixing blame prevents a recurrence of the problem, or absolves us of responsibility.  In reality, blaming makes everyone defensive, more inclined to watch their back -- and to attack -- than to make amends.   READ POST

"When your son and daughter are fighting with each other, you want them to learn to resolve their differences successfully, but you may have never learned to successfully work through conflicts yourself. Before you can teach your kids to listen, identify the problem, express their feelings, generate solutions, and find common ground, you have to learn those problem-solving skills yourself"- Laura Davis & Janis Keyser   READ POST

"Parents often fail to realize the importance of playing with children of all ages. Some new research, for example, by Anthony Pellegrini, suggests that boys who engage in playful rough and tumble wrestling with their dads have more positive social skills than boys who don't.  I always recommend what I call PlayTime, which is one-on-one time between a parent and a child where the child is completely in charge of what they do, and the parent gets down on the floor and gives their undivided, enthusiastic attention (no phone calls or dinner preparations or paying the bills)." -- Lawrence Cohen, Playful Parenting*  READ POST

"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label.  Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom."
-- Anonymous

Are there things about your child that drive you crazy?  Often we think we our job is to "stamp out" those traits and mold the perfect child.  But humans can't pare away our weaknesses, because they're the flip side of our strengths.  That's who we ARE.

If she has trouble controlling her anger when her brother disrespects her, is she an equally passionate fighter against other injustices?  Is his dawdling a sign of immense imagination  --  like Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, is he secretly Spaceman Spiff?  Will her emphasis on socializing shape the perfect talk-show host?  Will his stubbornness help him succeed at a difficult task against all odds?

We can't sculpt our kids. All we can really do is give them nurturing conditions in which to grow into who they are, and teach them to manage their weaknesses so their strengths can blossom.    READ POST

"The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children." --  Elaine Heffner

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? Never.  But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely. 

What's effective is to always keep the connection with the child at the same time that you calmly and kindly re-establish the standard for respect.  Here's the three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness in every interaction with your child.  If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect.  Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to.  Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving him your focused, positive attention.

3. If your child speaks hurtfully to you, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying connected to your child:  "Wow, your tone of voice hurts. You must be very upset to speak to me that way. That's not like you. You know I don't speak to you in that tone.  Want to tell me what's upsetting you?"  Or, if you know already, "I'm hearing that you're very angry at me right now.  I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person.  If we ignore their disrespect, we do them no favors.  If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we perpetuate the behavior. The secret?  They learn their behavior from us.  READ POST