Parenting Blog

"If you entertain thoughts that... your child is manipulating you, taking advantage of you, ignoring you, or disrespecting you -- you will often feel annoyed, irritated, and angry.  However, when instead you think in terms of the needs that you and your child are trying to meet, then you are more likely to feel compassion and connection.  And you are much more likely to take action that contributes to your child's well-being as well as your own."  -- Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hodson

Is your child's behavior irritating you? Whether he's whining, bossy, or defiant, here's why -- what you can do about it.  READ POST

"I love all your advice.  But I find it only works when I can stay calm, which is really hard.  I'm a yeller.  My mother was a yeller. I come from a long line of yellers.  How do I break that cycle?" - Cynthia

"Making yourself accountable to your kids for these kinds of changes is really powerful, for you and for them! It models so much amazing stuff for them (how to set goals, how to do emotional work, etc.) and makes them feel like an important and capable ally in your life. It's not difficult to see how "Hey Billy, can you help me with problem X I am having in my life" translates to "Hey Mom, can you help me with problem Y I am having in my life" in the teen years, and beyond."- Jennifer Dillon

Most parents yell.  We don't even notice ourselves doing it half the time.  Our voice just gets louder and louder.  Or we do know we're doing it, but at that moment, it seems completely justified.  After all, did you SEE what that kid DID?!  READ POST

Did you know that one out of every four girls in middle school today will be date-raped by the time she's 22?  That predators try to abduct about 100,000 teenage girls each year, with the risk peaking at age 15?   As I consider my 16 year old and her friends, these statistics are shocking, unbearable.    READ POST

"Are you part of the problem, or part of the solution?"

We all feel the urge to blame someone when things go wrong.  We seem to think that fixing blame prevents a recurrence of the problem, or absolves us of responsibility.  In reality, blaming makes everyone defensive, more inclined to watch their back -- and to attack -- than to make amends.   READ POST

BlogHer and LG (one of the largest cell phone manufacturers in the world) asked me to post about Mobile Meanness on BlogHer.com.  Their “LG TextEd Ambassador” program hopes to arm parents with the info they need to help kids use their cell phones responsibly. My post, which includes Rules to Help Your Child Handle a Cell Phone Responsibly, is here on BlogHer.
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"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label.  Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom."
-- Anonymous

Are there things about your child that drive you crazy?  Often we think we our job is to "stamp out" those traits and mold the perfect child.  But humans can't pare away our weaknesses, because they're the flip side of our strengths.  That's who we ARE.

If she has trouble controlling her anger when her brother disrespects her, is she an equally passionate fighter against other injustices?  Is his dawdling a sign of immense imagination  --  like Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, is he secretly Spaceman Spiff?  Will her emphasis on socializing shape the perfect talk-show host?  Will his stubbornness help him succeed at a difficult task against all odds?

We can't sculpt our kids. All we can really do is give them nurturing conditions in which to grow into who they are, and teach them to manage their weaknesses so their strengths can blossom.    READ POST

"The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children." --  Elaine Heffner

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? Never.  But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely. 

What's effective is to always keep the connection with the child at the same time that you calmly and kindly re-establish the standard for respect.  Here's the three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness in every interaction with your child.  If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect.  Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to.  Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving him your focused, positive attention.

3. If your child speaks hurtfully to you, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying connected to your child:  "Wow, your tone of voice hurts. You must be very upset to speak to me that way. That's not like you. You know I don't speak to you in that tone.  Want to tell me what's upsetting you?"  Or, if you know already, "I'm hearing that you're very angry at me right now.  I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person.  If we ignore their disrespect, we do them no favors.  If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we perpetuate the behavior. The secret?  They learn their behavior from us.  READ POST