Parenting Blog

“The error is that as a culture we try to teach the rules and limits when they're being broken. Energy given to an undesirable behavior actually reinforces it." -- Howard Glasser

Step Seven of Ten Steps to Heal Your Ability to Love Unconditionally is about teachable moments:

Forget about teaching your child lessons unless you're in a state of love and can teach lovingly.  Anger and punishment are never based in love.  A teachable moment is always when both people are receptive and positive.

When our child does something she knows is off-limits, our immediate impulse is fury.  We want to teach her a lesson she won't forget.  And as her parents, that's our job, right? 

But cracking down at the moment when you and your child are both upset always backfires. A teachable moment is only teachable if the student is ready to learn. 

We all get frustrated at having to give our child the same reminders, day after day.  Some of that is unavoidable:  We help our kids create positive life habits by ensuring, over and over, that they brush their teeth, hang up their jacket, and put the homework in their backpack.  That's just part of our job description, best accepted with a smile.

But the bigger challenges, like rudeness or hitting, aren't taught by "reminders"  Those are solvable only by going to the core of the feelings driving your child's behavior (Step 6: When Your Child Drives You Crazy)  

Once those deeper issues are attended to, you can remind your child that his behavior isn't how your family treats each other, and brainstorm how he'll handle such a situation in the future.  Parents who love unconditionally guide their kids and set limits, but they stay emotionally connected while they do it -- both through the upset, and through the teaching that follows later, once everyone is calm -- sometimes hours later.

That means we don't have the luxury of visiting our anger on our child.  Will you get angry?  Sure, as long as you're human.  Can you learn now to take a deep breath and a few minutes for yourself, instead of unloading your anger on this small person entrusted to your care and guidance? (Step 5: When You're Angry at Your Kid). Then you'll be able to show up as a real teacher for your child, and teach emotional intelligence by helping him process his upset constructively (Step 6: When Your Child Drives You Crazy.)

If you make your teachable moments into learnable moments, your teaching will stick. And your child will get something even better than the lesson about behavior. The skills for emotional self-management -- and the unshakable conviction that he is wholly and unconditionally loved exactly as he is, including all those messy, passionate emotions that make us human.

"Let there be times when you don't tell someone everything you know about her problem, even if your understanding of it is better than hers." -- Guy Finley

Ever notice how kids don't really want to hear your solutions to their problems?  Teenagers, particularly, often react with downright hostility when we give them our good advice.  But even eight year olds like to think they can solve their own problems.

And they can. Especially if they have a parent with a warm heart who's willing to really listen, and simply reflect what they say.  "Hmm...So you got pretty mad, huh? ...Sounds like you're considering giving him a piece of your mind.....But you think that might make things worse?...You're wondering if it might be better to....."

Before you know it, your kid gives you a quick hug and dashes out the door.  With lots of confidence in his ability to sort out his own life.  What a wonderful parent!  And what a lucky kid.

Guest Blog by Joanne Stern
author of Parenting Is a Contact Sport
ParentingIsaContactSport.com

Listen to Joanne Stern live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!
Wednesday July 8
MyExpertSolution.com
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When you overhear other parents bad-mouthing kids from the sidelines

Badmouthing kids at a sporting event is not only inappropriate. It’s obnoxious and disgusting as well, and most parents know it and feel it the second they hear it. They feel uncomfortable because they’re torn between doing something and doing nothing. They may suddenly become engrossed in conversation with a neighbor to cover up the noise. They may get overly absorbed in the game and pretend they don’t hear. They may choose to walk away to avoid the scene altogether. Or they may struggle internally trying to figure out what to say that would challenge the bad behavior without causing an even bigger stir.

As parents we already know two things:
1.  We are role models to kids—not only to our own, but to others as well, and our behaviors speak loudly to kids about who we are as people.
2.  We can’t police the world and we can’t control other parents, even though we might like to.

But sometimes we forget another important thing: that we have the opportunity for very powerful and positive input with our kids within our own homes. So, take advantage of situations in the outside world to teach our kids the valuable lessons we want them to learn.

Tip #1
Talk with your own kids at home about what happened at the game—even if they didn’t hear the badmouthing—and use the conversation as a springboard to reinforce the importance of sensitivity, good sportsmanship and compassion.

Tip #2
Badmouthing another, under any circumstances, is the ultimate in disrespect. Use this opportunity to talk with your kids at home about your family value of respect. Reconfirm that you treat them with respect and you expect them to treat you and others with respect as well—no matter what poor role models they may see in other adults.

If you feel the need to do something about the badmouthing itself:

Tip #3
Comment quietly and calmly to the offending parent about what a shame it would be if the team were penalized for offensive behaviors from the stands.

Tip #4
Talk with the coach after the game and ask if he/she would address the issue.

Tip #5
Counteract the badmouthing with cheers and words of encouragement to the kid being badmouthed.

My Aha! Parenting moment this week came when my almost 14 year old daughter had some friends over for a sleepover.  Now, this was the second night in a row of sleepovers, which is not something we normally do.  I agreed reluctantly, after extracting several promises from my daughter, including her reassurance that the girls would have the lights off and actually try to go to sleep at 11pm. Not only did they have to get up for summer camp at 7:30am, but I personally wanted to be in bed at 11!  I knew one of the girls likes to stay up late at her own house, so I made a big deal about this, pointing out that if they wanted to stay up late, I would recommend they sleep at their own houses.

The next day, my daughter shared with me that the other two girls had wanted to wait until I went to bed and then get up and sneak outside.  My daughter nixed it, pointing out that she had an agreement with me.  One of the other girls -- and by the way, these girls spend a lot of time at my house, and I had made the agreement clear to them as well -- said "You won't do it just because your Mom said No?  Who cares what she wants? Why would you just do what your parents want?"  Alice answered "Because I want to!"

And that was the Aha Moment.  Plenty of kids DON'T want to do what their parents want them to, particularly by the time they're 14.  And of course Alice has plenty of times when she wants something different than I do, which can lead to long discussions about why she should be allowed to do something I'm reluctant to permit.  This sleepover, in fact, is a good example of a time when I decided to allow it -- but only after we agreed on certain terms.

Of course Alice wanted to keep those terms.  She knows our whole relationship is based on trust, and our relationship is one of the most important things in her life.  If she had broken our agreement, and I had found out, I would have been terribly wounded, and she knew that.  At core, Alice keeps her agreements with me for the same reason I keep mine with her -- we would never intentionally hurt each other.  We tend our relationship, we nurture it and make repairs when it frays, and we would no more betray each other than we'd set fire to our house.

The interesting thing to me is that the girl in question has told Alice she and her mother have a terrible relationship.  Clearly, she wouldn't think twice about violating an agreement with her mom.  And yet says that Alice is so lucky to have "the best Mom in the world."  She clearly can' even imagine the kind of relationship Alice has with me, and the fact that it isn't about having a great mom, but about working together to have a great relationship. 

I have to admit, it brings tears to my eyes to think about this girl's disconnection from her parents, a disconnection she is clearly now making worse with her behavior.  I know her parents love her.  I know she longs for their love.  But without a substantial intervention, I see things getting worse before they get better.  I wish I knew her parents well enough to have this conversation.  But even more, I wish I could tell every parent of a six year old to start now to build a close relationship with their child.  You'll be so grateful you did, when they're 14.

"The purpose of life is to let love use us for its purposes." – Guy Finley

If the purpose of life is to bring more love into the world, then raising children is a particularly good opportunity to live your mission.

Today, get down on your child's level and hug him or her. Tell him all the positive things you notice about him.  Spend time listening to him with an open heart, without judging or jumping in with solutions or opinions. 

Time yourself and don't let interruptions in. Your goal is to spend at least ten minutes focusing positively on each child, without a structured activity.  Just be present and make a loving, warm connection while you let your child know how lucky you feel to be their parent.

If discipline is required today, think of it as loving guidance and keep the positive connection while you guide your child.

Tomorrow, repeat.  In a month, your child will be showing up differently in the world.  And, of course, so will you.

May your week be filled with miracles, large and small.