Parenting Blog

My Aha parenting moment this week comes from my Pregnancy.org forum.  I regularly reprint letters from that forum here (without identifying info) so that more parents can benefit from the answers.  You can also join me for a free online chat once a month at Pregnancy.org on Wednesdays.

A wonderful single mom wrote to me.  She has a two and a half year old who’s been toilet trained since he was 2 and wearing underwear and making it through naps and night times without pee accidents.  But she wrote to tell me that just in the last week, he's been wetting the bed at night.  Even more concerning, three times this weekend, he peed on the bathroom floor!  

She said he had previously been amazing at going into the washroom, taking his pants off, moving his stepstool over so he could reach, going pee, flushing, and getting dressed - all by himself.   But then, three times, he went in the washroom and proceeded to pee all over her bathroom floor without even taking his clothes off!  And once he even went into the washroom and sat on his potty and went pee – but BUT DIDN'T PUT THE LID UP AND PEED ON THE POTTY LID!  She wrote to me that it just made her feeling like crying.

I wrote this mom back and asked whether she could think of anything that could be causing this regression. I could see why she felt like crying, since she knows he is capable of not having accidents. And when something doesn’t make sense like this, that’s when we have to really pay attention to things from the kid’s point of view.

Has he had any upsetting incidents in his life recently? Is he in a daycare situation where something could have happened that Mom’s not aware of? Is he angry about something? Did Mom start seeing someone? Adopt a new discipline strategy? Switch babysitters?

I also suggested that despite her tears, she not respond harshly to her son. He's not peeing all over just to be ornery. Something clearly is not right inside him, and he is reacting to that. Just stay calm and say "Oops, you had an accident. Let's clean this up together. Here's a towel for you to clean the floor."  Some patience, having him help clean up, and some detective work on what could be upsetting him should get him back to normal, because a child who mastered potty training so early is not likely to have accidents for long, as long as the parents don’t over-react to his regression.

This mom wrote me back that yes, she had adopted a new discipline strategy.  Sadly, she’s been finding it really hard to be patient these past few weeks.  After losing a good friend at daycare, her toddler had gone from no behavior problems AT ALL, to testing her a lot, pushing the envelope, ignoring her at times, and not listening. She said she found it hard to keep calm - and had started yelling at her son even though afterwards she always felt terrible about it.   She realized that she hadn’t been responding to his accidents at all like she would want to, because she just couldn’t find the patience.   

Now, this is a terrific mom who adores her son.  She really tries to be patient with him.  But it is completely age appropriate for him to be a handful right now. That's hard for a single mom, it’s hard on any parent.  Being the parent of a toddler takes tremendous patience.

So here’s an AHA moment! Telling ourselves to be more patient is good but it’s never enough. We have to actually feel good inside in order to be loving and patient with our child. Without own internal cup being full, our love simply doesn't overflow into our kids' cups.  What overflows?  Anger. Negativity.  And our kids always feel that, and they always respond by acting out.  

So what’s the only way to fill our internal cup when we feel depleted?  That’s right, we have to give love to ourselves. In fact, until we learn to do that – give love to ourselves -- it is difficult to really take in love from anyone else, or even to attract it into our lives in the form of a loving partner.

So of course I reminded this mom that her son is being an appropriate two year old and her job is to remain lovingly patient with her toddler, turn things into games, give him warning about transitions, make sure his basic needs for snuggling and good connection are met, and not to yell at him.

But I also asked her to shower herself with love and forgiveness. In whatever ways we are down on ourselves, we need to let ourselves off the hook. No human is perfect, not her, not me, not you.  That’s right, you're human like the rest of us. And you'll be a better parent if you embrace yourself with total love, as well as embracing your child.

And, yes, another AHA! here is that yelling at a two year old CAN make them regress and pee all over the bathroom. When we get mad at our kids, they get mad back at us, but they feel so guilty about it. They can't admit it, even to themselves, because they love us, but it comes out anyway and they pee all over and then they feel worse. The more gentle you can be with a little one who is regressing, the more quickly he will be back to his cooperative, toilet trained self.

This wonderful mom wrote back to say that once she realized that HER negative attitude and yelling at her son was part of what was causing him to pee on the floor, everything changed. She said she realized that those times of getting upset really had nothing to do with her son - it was how she was seeing things, interpreting things, expecting things to be.  And then this mom did the three basic things that all of us would be wise to do when things aren’t going well with our kids.

First, she figured out that she was unhappy about some things that had nothing to do with her son, specifically her job and the way she was eating.  She was taking that out on her son, so she started addressing those issues directly.  

Second, she decided to plan their mornings and bedtimes better so she could feel less stressed, and be more patient.

Finally, she started reminding herself that he was acting like a two year old because he IS a two year old.  She said that thinking differently changed her feelings so she could be calmer.  She didn’t feel that anxiety rising in her chest when her son did something wrong.   She started to feel matter-of-fact when he wet his bed, so then she could act matter-of-fact.  So for instance, when she went in to wake him and noticed his bed was wet, she didn't feel herself react at all! He said "Mom, my bed is wet." and she just said "I know love, it’s ok" and he said "I help you clean up." (She said her heart melted!)

And guess what?  Once she started to be positive with her son again, his behavior completely changed.  He stopped peeing on the bathroom floor, and this is the big one for a toddler – he stopped being difficult.  

So we have a lot of aha moments here.  First, don’t under-estimate your impact on your child.  If you are relating to your child negatively, his or her behavior WILL be negative.  

Second, the only way to be calm with your child is to change the way you’re thinking about him or her.  Your thoughts are what create your emotions.  If you think negative thoughts, like that he should be acting better, it will be impossible to stay calm like you want to.  Your first discipline step when a child is misbehaving is always to change your own thoughts so they’re positive.  

Third, even when you feel like crying, there’s ALWAYS something positive you can do that will turn the situation around.  Really.  Look at the three things this mom did:  First, she figured out what was bugging her that had nothing to do with her son and took positive action. Second, she got more on top of their schedule so she felt less stressed and could be more patient.  Finally, she realized that her child’s behavior – like most of what we call “bad” behavior from children – was actually age-appropriate, so she could stop seeing him as “bad” and feel loving toward him.  Our kids always feel whatever we’re feeling toward them, and they always respond accordingly.

Great parenting?  Yes.  Hard?  Absolutely.  But that’s why they call Parenting the work of the angels.  Because doing this work is not just what we owe our kids.  It’s also what makes us grow into better people and create more love in our hearts, and in the world.  And, after all, what else is the point of being alive?