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"I just don't believe that kids learn to do what's right by us giving them hugs. The only reason I ever did my homework was the strap waiting if I brought home a bad report card." -- Jack
It's true. Kids need our hugs, but that's not what teaches them to do right. How do kids learn?
Our modeling. When we take responsibility, when we
apologize, when we regulate our own emotions so we aren't yelling at
them, children learn to take responsibility, to apologize, to regulate
their own emotions and treat others with respect.
Our guidance. When we talk with them about the choices
in their lives, kids learn. Should he lie about his age to get a
cheaper admission price at the amusement park? Can she break a date
with a friend when she gets a more exciting offer? Should he help pay
for the window he broke with his baseball? Talk about the fact that
ethical choices are worth making, even when it costs you...And what
ethical choice doesn't cost you?
Our family habits. When kids get used to "repair"
rather than punishment, they automatically look to make things better
after a fight with their sibling. When they learn that everyone has big
feelings, but emotions aren't an emergency, they learn to take
responsibility for their emotions and their behavior. READ POST
"Children
who have been responded to, led to believe - in a healthy way - that
their voice is valued, that all they have to do is object and action
will be taken - they will push boundaries. And this is really healthy
behaviour. Compliance? They've learned there's no point arguing because
their voice isn't valued." - Alison Roy
Most
parents feel embarrassed when their child doesn't obey them. When we say
jump, they're supposed to jump, right? If they don't, isn't that
evidence that we're lousy parents? READ POST
"There's one thing you've touched on over the years that I can
happily
say is now integrated in my soul, and that is that ultimately my
children want my love and acceptance. I no longer have to remember this
on an academic level, and repeat it as a mantra. It is there inside me
naturally, and surfaces often when I feel uncertain how to proceed with a
conflict. My girls are 6 and 7 and I've noticed that lately they
respond with a dramatic "No!!!" when I ask them to do something they
don't want to do. Instead of reacting to the "No!" as a power struggle
and a test of my authority which would inevitably came out in a forceful
and angry tone, I calmly repeat the request and expand on the reason,
knowing all the while that they ultimately want to do what's right. I
have to
say, they always do what I want. When I hear another mother say that
she
doesn't tolerate a verbal "No" from her children and reminds them that
she's the "boss", I cringe." --Terry
Most of us wish our kids would obey our every request
without a fuss. But that would mean we were raising automatons who
weren't thinking for themselves. There will be many times in your
child's teen years where having practiced saying No! could save her
life. Your child isn't wrong to say No!; she has a reason. It may not
be what you consider a good reason, but she certainly thinks it is. READ POST
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